Words, Words, Words @mindknackered - Tumblr Blog

I thought I was done with games from the people I love. I thought I was worth more than this. I thought I deserved more than lies and behind the back shit.

I need you to realize I'm what you need.

And if I've learned anything in my 23 years on this earth it's that you can love someone with every ounce of yourself you have and it still may not be enough. Doesn't matter if they know it or not. Love is shit. It means nothing. You know what does? Laughs, an intoxicating smell of someone, their eyes, how their hair feels as it drapes through the spaces between your fingers, how you know at that one part of that song they clap their hands to the beat. You know what means something? When they call you first, when they ask what's wrong cause they can just tell. When they know exactly what stupid voice to use to make you smile when your mother tells you on the phone how much of a piece of shit you are and ruins your night. How her lips hold the filter of that cigarette she's smoking. How her skin feels against yours when you're against each other and can't catch your breath. How she wants to know how your day was. You know what matters? That shit. Because love is just love. These mean something. And I could love you. I do love you. But if those things about me don't make your world stop, then what I feel for you....has no value.

You still follow this blog. I wonder if you'll see it. I wonder if I ever still cross your mind. And if I do I wonder if it's just cruel and nasty thoughts. Or if you ever remember any of the good times. You can deny yourself of them but we both know you had some. I don't want you to remember me as the bad guy. As the villain you painted me to be to make your decisions hurt less. To make you feel less guilty. Because we both know I would have done anything for you. I stupidly fell hand over foot for you. I can't rationalize your thoughts or your actions because honesty, I don't even think you can. I hate that more than a year later I still have dreams of you. That if I hear your name my ears perk up. That if I hear a song my heart grows heavy. I hate that I miss you so much still. And not even in a romantic way. I just miss you. We made each other laugh. I got you. We had fun. If anything I just miss your friendship. I'm still hurt that I lost that. Please don't hold it against me the behavior I had after what happened. I was hurt and did what I did because I was. Though things got blown out of proportion by people I didn't help my own case. Just please don't remember me that way. Remember me from the aquarium, remember from the parade, remember me from the golf course, remember me from taking care of you when you were sick, remember me from our first kiss. Remember me from that if you remember me at all. And if you miss me too it's okay. Cause like I said before, I don't resent you at all.

Maybe I'm delusional and you don't give an absolute shit about me anymore and that very well may be. But I'm still here. That letter, probably burned by now or thrown away or buried under some boxes in your room I don't know. That letter is still valid. I just wanted you to know I'm sorry. That I miss you. And I still think about you every day and wonder how you are. I can't help it. I hope you're okay and I hope you don't hate me. I do hope you're happy. And in case you ever forget it, you are amazing and important.

#anna #i'm sorry I couldn't have kept you #maybe you'll read this maybe you wont #but i felt compelled to write this tonight #so here it is #this was mostly just for me to vent

You were the one thing I never wanted to lose. And knowing I'll probably never speak to you again in my entire life is the most gut wrenching feeling. Especially when it's because of nothing I did wrong. Not being able to justify it makes it that much worse and harder to deal with. All I do is miss you. It's not getting easier and I still long for you. It's not fair. It shouldn't be like this. I shouldn't have to deal with these feelings.