Kiana Khansmith
Jules of Nature
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Claire Keane
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@mindmumbler
I like your voice
But I don’t like the words that come out of it
I like your face
But I don’t like the mask you wear
I like how tall you are
But now you seem so small
I liked the way you held me
But now you’re just holding me back
I liked my head on your chest
And the feeling of your heart inside my head
But now that I’ve been torn apart
And I know your heart
I like my freedom
More than I like your fuss
I made a meme
I reblogged it
I hope today you remember that the sky is not humiliated by its vastness, and the mountains remain unashamed of their height. Mother Earth and her oceans are not afraid of their size, and the sun is not concerned if someone has to squint their eyes— it will shine. And it will not apologize for its light. And like the trees teach us that it’s okay to lose our leaves as seasons change and then come back to life, I hope that nature teaches us to look at ourselves and be kind. I hope that we don’t dim or shrink or fold into spaces far too tight. Yes, today I hope you look at yourself and you are kind. BE KIND TO YOURSELF from Sophie Diener’s Someone Somewhere Maybe (St. Martin’s Press/Griffin, 2023)
Just what I needed to read today 🤍 Unashamed. Vulnerable. Invincible.
And again after everything was said done. We sat beside each other. In a puddle of the aftermath of a rainy day. A rainy day you spent alone. A rainy day I dealt with alone. I thought I had so much to say to you. But only our silences fumbled. I smiled at you. Youou smiled back. Masking well that slight sigh of relief and asked me if I was okay with this? With silences.
“Yes”, I said assuredly. Knowingly. I liked the quiet! Intimate, vulnerable, pristine.
“Can I hold you?”
“Yess”, you said. As s if you said ‘obviously’
I have this unquenchable urge to feel for something deeply and rest my head in your lap. Something that's not to do with you at all.
But only sleeping it off in your lap, while you graze my hair, the follicles of my eyebrow hair relax, and so.. I do too.
Tears dry off my face, but soak the clothes you have on. Instead I fall asleep crying. Face down on my pillow.
Yet again, I find that, I haven't found You...
I wake up. Plan a day completely void of another you.
I have to find Me again, me again always, me again first.
Dekho waha tabaahi ho rahi hain. Dekh liya? Dekho yaha bhookhe bache sadak par ro rahe hain. Sunayi diya?
Tapti garmi main bina jooton ke bache signal par bewajah tumhaare banaavati pehenaave ko dekh kar kuch soch rahe hain.
Haath failaaye tumhaari or bina jazbaat aur kisi haq ki buniyaad par tumse bheekh ki ummeed bhi kar rahe hain.
Dekho waha baarish ke na girne par saari fasal ruth gayi. Kisaan ka jeena na jeena, unke fasal ka safal hona na hona.
Kisi ke jigar ke tukde ka bimaari se ladte bura haal ho gaya hoga. Yaad ata hain koi aisa?
Sab yaad kar lo
Sab dekh lo
Sab jaan lo
Kahi koi bhediya kisi bachi ko maas samajh kar nighal ne ki koshish kar raha hoga iss waqt
Jaan kar tumhe kaisa mehsoos hua?
Ab agar sab jaan liya tumne?
Kisi ke tabaahi ko bakhubi darsha diya tumne?
Umeed ki jalti lau ko visphoto, bhukampo, dard mein cheekte anjaamo mein samaa liya tumne
Toh shayad thhak gaye hoge!
Thak gaye ho agar, toh baith kar do pal Uska deedaar bhi kardo
Shaayad befizool ki hi baat ho
Lekin kuch waqt ke liye hi sahi
Apne aap, aur saare awaam ko
Aaram ka bhi takht dikha do!
Sab kuch jaan ne ka agar ahem samet liya ho tumne
Har zarre mein uske wajood ka agham bhi jaan lo !
say NO to romance!
I want simple things. I want to tell you to buy groceries on the way back and take our dog to the vet tomorrow cuz his poop smell funky. I want to tell you to put balm on my back and instead end up massaging your legs and back cuz we both worked so hard the last week. I want to say “listen to this” the moment I read something simple or profound yet touching from a book I’m reading while you’re working somewhere in the same room, doing something you want to cuz that’s what we do besides each other. You do you. I do you too. And I do me and ohhh! how you do me. I want us to fight for hours about something so banal that we end up wanting to kiss each other instead. And I want to make plans to go out with my friends once in a while cuz I only spend free time with you anymore and you find it endearing that that irritates me. I want you to not care who’s watching when you kiss me and forget to buy the things I asked you to when you get back home. Then we fight and sleep facing our dumb backs to each other and then I wake up with my head on your chest and a leg across your body and your arm around my back and shoulder.
- Quantum Entanglement in Spatial Proximity
I come here when my heart wants to stop beating. And spill out some words that could ease the choking up of feelings inside my cello-taped-rib-caged heart. You know when sometimes you’re hurting because of this one source for a considerable amount of time. And you let go of stuff everytime. Build better memories. Curb the pain, the expectations, the need. Fill the void of all that’s not. With the hope for all that could be? And what if one day you run out of hope? Is that possible? I quite feel that way right now. Like I’m running out of hope. I even think I know when it feels that way. Its when you love again. When you give yourself in completely to an undeserving cause. And it starts to matter. You hurt about little things too deeply and about big things like skin bruises. The little things seep into you and leave a fading continuous pain for your everyday. And the big problems burn on the skin so horribly in that moment but fade out eventually like nothing had even happened. But does it? It leads to something else. Doesn’t it? It leads me here. To write to you. To another hurting entity that’s reading through this to feel like being in pain is being human. Its relatable. Its not that bad. It happens to this person too. Hope these broken words and silly metaphors help you walk through this temporary painful junction feeling like you’re not alone out there. We’ll be fine. We’ll always be fine.
Jen
Lucky
When he hit her and she cried helplessly I died a little and grew up still When he took his belt out to slap my timid body I died a little then, blurry images all instill When he touched me where he shouldn’t have, Behind close doors sealed Trapped in my flesh and bones, a little girl died a little more still But that didn’t stop him, nothing does He went on opening my buttons He got what he wanted, a little worthless piece of me He ravished my impure body and my soul distil He stayed till he pleased, beside a sleepless shadow of me Then he walked away satisfied with no feelings of guilt Love is saved, he said, for the ones who’ve saved themselves Love is for the lucky ones, love is for them, love is for anybody else
How did I forget? We’d been through this already. You’d said the same things to me before. I cried the same tears for you before. I remember it now. It was the same. My eyes burnt hot with tears. My wrist hurt from the inside like my veins were about to pop because the pain got so physically unbearable. Every word you said sounded just the same. It echoed in my head. It’s all boiled down to one thing. You didn’t need me. You didn’t even want me anymore. My voice choked because I knew you hated the sound of it. My cranky tone got to your nerves. It only infuriated you to hear me whine and beg for your time. You couldn’t feel my pain like you did once. You couldn’t relate to me. You were yelling and all I could hear is the resent you felt towards me. The words didn’t even have to make any sense but like a little dog I knew you didn’t want me close to you then. But I waited by the phone thinking you’ll need me like I need you. And I’ll be there when you do. Hours went by. A tear rolled down my cheek, occasionally now. And sometimes they just flood at the thought that you didn’t want me. My cheeks tightened with the tears that had dried up. The side of my lips got salty, somehow it had all creeped into my mouth. My throat got smaller. My appetite nonexistent. Hunger started kicking in, but my tongue rejected edibles. All I could chew is the insides of my mouth. And I was still waiting. And the worse part was that I knew that it would be alright. It shouldn’t be alright. Nobody should be made to feel this way. Nobody should let themselves feel this way. And then I thought in a loser like moment, trying to buck my self up. That I’m doing this to myself. If I love myself enough, he’ll love me again just fine. Straighten up. Smile. It’s going to be fine. You haven’t called yet. But I know it’ll be fine. Love conquers all. Doesn’t it? Love conquers us all.
Jen
Children Everywhere I've seen the worst in good people Are they good then? Are they even people I cried for them to stop They didn't. No they didn't. I see the pain of children Innocent feeble fickle Their helpless But what am I? Do I really deserve To be not where they are Who decides their fate Not god. God couldn't be so cruel Right? God couldn't be so cruel I saw the other day Children swimming in a crater A bomb fell there Burst open a water pipe The void filled Transforming into a pool Happy children dove in This can't be the place For happy little children This can't be the place Is this Gods own kingdom? I remember how much I loved Swimming in pools As a child When my dad died Our holiday had to be cancelled It was the month of May When he left us and went Far far away I was sad But more so because The hotel with a pool Was now a mirage And I was fooled So much for a pool So much for a pool My dad was dead And I didn't know What I'd lost I'd never swim again With dad in a pool Never would I ride With him on our bullet To that stupid Oh that stupid school Never would he .. Never would we That stupid school Was stupid so The teachers made fun of me I remember their faces They asked me how that peon touched me And what did he do In the washroom with me And then they judged me Said I was the tool Oh those lovely childhood days Can't say I miss them Can't say I do So when you sit there In your comfortable homes And judge other lives With emoticons and shares and likes Remember one day you too might have a child A child who doesn't realise What happens when what happens The child will grow up And maybe mostly what he'll do is survive While you will be unaware, busy Oblivious to all the crimes The children everywhere The children here and far over there Are all alive and they all smile They're all meant for greatness But a few will only toil They will walk for miles And still get nowhere Close to your closed unempathetic Beautiful blessed lives. We are the children We will strive
-Jen
I’ve healed. I’ve forgotten. I suppose I’ve forgiven too. It doesn’t pinch anymore when I realise I dont have you. As a matter of fact, I thought when I’d be over you I’d be relieved. I thought that in that future aspect of having “moved on” I would understand why I met you. Why what happened happened and then the whole thing would make sense. All of it would finally make some sense. But here I am. In the future. Completely void of you. But with no understanding of why I needed to cross paths with somebody like you. Somebody so different than I am. Someone I can’t place anywhere in my life. Although there is one thing I learnt. I learnt that you might think you want something so badly at a certain point in your life but the truth of it could be far from what it seems to you at that time. I didn’t want someone like you. A part of me always knew that. And that little part wished I wouldn’t love you anymore and I wished that it would stop hurting to want you. And so not wanting you would be healing. And it’s strange that I knew that all the while. And yet, I stayed, and fought and cried myself to sleep because I didn’t have you. At least not in the way that I wanted you. But now that I don’t have you at all and it doesn’t feel like I’m missing something in my life, I see that I was stupid thinking that I did. Because if I did, I wouldn’t let it end. And if it was meant to be it wouldn’t end. No matter what. And wanting you was the part that was painful and not the part that I did not have you. So now I trust my gut more. And believe everything I tell myself lesser. I’ve learnt to wait it out. Let things become what they become instead of making everything the way I want it to be. I’m glad to have met you and loved you like I did. Because if I didn’t love you as much as I did, I would’ve never truly understood you. And I would never then understand what I did not want. People get hurt and build walls and stop trusting people in return. But all you have to do is channelise your trust inwards. Trust yourself more. Trust yourself to make the right decisions. And trust in the alignment of your heart with your mind. So love fearlessly. Don’t let a passing dull cloud rain over the fire inside you and destroy your ability to love like you do. That fire in your belly is who you are and the fierce light it emits will guide the right people to you. And more importantly, that very fire will force out the people that don’t belong.
The Right About Wrong Choices - Jen
If someone really wants to be with you, they will tell you that. Exactly that. No more, no less. And if they haven’t done that yet, you need to let yourself see that and realise your value. They may not see your worth. And if you’re still sticking around, you aren’t being any better towards yourself than they are. You need to realise your worth, and value your self enough to get away from any situation where your value is undermined. If you want to be loved, you will first need to love yourself. You don’t need anybody else’s judgement to see your worth. You are the only one person that can decide it and the rest will follow your lead. Know where you stand. And if you don’t like where it is that you are, then move; you aren’t a lamp. Don’t let a parasite of a person with fake ass emotions slow you down. You deserve better.
Jen
The phone rang today and it was you. And she was stuck somewhere between her voice and her feelings. And all she could do is stare at the phone till it stopped ringing. There was nothing she could have done then that could make you fall in love with her. And she doubted she’d be able to say anything to you to change that even today. She did not want to know.. How you were.. If you missed her.. Or if you wanted her back.. Or if you were just curious how she was doing. She got herself used to not having you in her life. And had pulled you out of her heart. Sealed it again and now there was no way back in. The girl you knew did not exist anymore. She left the same day she let you go.
Missed Call - Jen
As a child I feared darkness I would wet my bed, asleep; Fearing the presence of ghosts In the room filled with shadows I wouldn’t get out of bed Put my feet on the ground; Fearing blistered hands Emerging from beneath. The monster hands would catch me And I wouldn’t go anywhere from that bed; I would cover all the parts of my body With the thin blanket, My only saviour from the dead. I worried if a part of me was seen The devil would have it devoured I covered myself carefully And peeped through the holes in the sheet The shadows in the darkness Made me wait for the lights to pour in. Now I’ve grown up, I think But I still fear the darkness Only now it’s the darkness in their hearts My fears still innocent Bed still wet too, this time My eyes to be blamed They’ll have me trapped in beds And let me get no further still The coldness in their touch Will make me as cold as the dead No blankets keep me warm Every part of me they can see now They’ll destroy like a tin The light never came in And never saved my nights But then one day I found my hero The light, Yes It came from within
Jen
When you met her you knew she was meant for greatness; And in that moment you realised she wasn’t meant to be with you. You convinced yourself you did not want her to stay anyway. Convinced yourself it wasn’t love. It was a good thing; what you did. It was the right thing to do. Both for yourself and for her. Sometimes love is only and all about letting them go. Sometimes you have to see beyond what is. To be able to see the truth sometimes, You have to lie to yourself and make it your reality. She is grateful you broke her heart. She is grateful you let her go. Or maybe she thought exactly the way you did. And she hopes that you’re happy too.
Two Ends That Meet -Jen
