Many of you who have read my blog for a while know that I have a huge challenge with understanding relationships. I have improved in my understanding in many ways and it has helped me with settling certain fears, confusions with some of my relationships. My sudden anxieties, confusion, fears about uncertainties of relationships, and panic attacks about what I have said or done have not gone away. My panicky loops, heart crushing feeling, lump in my throat, nausea filled thoughts are still there. Yep, they are still here lingering, waiting, and looping whenever triggered. When it happens, I feel a sudden blackness fill my mind. My heart feels like it has been slivered into pieces – its glass shattered all over the place! I have a lump in my throat, that at times manifests into tears, or hyperventilating episodes. I close my eyes tightly, clutching every muscle in my body desperate to try and make my mind make sense of the situation. It’s like I can literally feel my neurons get blocked at pathways, they cluster at some road block and no matter how hard I try to understand what is going on I cannot. With all of my relationships, I have no idea what “we” are anymore. It does not happen as frequently as before, but when it does happen it is frightening. It is a frightening feeling to be in long-term relationships with people, especially, people you are related to, live with, or have been in a relationship with for several years. It is confusing for those in my life who care so deeply for me … who I have been able to express this to through communication, mostly written. They cannot imagine feeling this way; I cannot imagine having the feeling of “knowing” in a relationship.
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