So…I usually try to stay out of things like this online. I don’t want to overstep my place as a person with privilege generally, and I’ll admit I often just do not have the emotional/mental stamina to stand up online the way I do my best to in person.
But I also think it’s important to, when possible, step up and take responsibility as a person of privilege because, like is said above, it shouldn’t be other people’s job to constantly defend themselves. That isn’t fair. The rest of us should be bearing the weight 100% of the time because it is not their fault that they are targets of persecution. It’s ours.
So I hope it’s okay if I try to explain this on behalf of my friend, who shouldn’t have to because being asked to (and he is asked to constantly, over and over) is not fair, even if he is outspoken and a stalwart voice for his faith and generally very kind about sharing information. I asked if he was okay with me posting this, so friends can be assured I’m not being too presumptive doing so…
It has nothing to do with having a good or “bad” day, it has everything to do with the responsibility of the rest of us to know when not to demand their emotional and spiritual labor because that too is a form of privilege abuse. Not wanting to constantly give of themselves in order to be allowed to exist is completely reasonable, and saying “you seem to be having a bad day” is wrong and insulting. This is every day.
It’s like saying, “You seem to be hormonal today. Is it that time of the month?” when a woman is upset about something a man said. Or “No need to be so defensive,” when a person asks not to be touched.
People have a right to their bodies, faiths, and selves that does not require them to constantly take their hearts out of their chests and dissect them for the rest of us.
Anyway, on to the point of the whole headcanon thing.
1) It is okay for Jewish people to claim any and all fictional characters they choose to as being Jewish. They don’t even have to say it is a headcanon. They can say, with veracity, that “X is Jewish, this is a fact,” and no one should dispute it. Why? Because they need to, and that’s their business, and the character is fucking fictional, a figment of imagination, and carving out representation from wherever a Jewish person needs to—or for that matter a gay person, or a black person, or a trans person, or an autistic person—is a form of self-care, claiming a place in a world rife with white, hetero, cis characters, Christian or non-religious or otherwise. It is a right of creative consumption.
Let me clear: there is NO DANGER to a Christian person in Christian-dominated society when they choose to think of a character as Christian, whether this is a canonical fact according to the character’s creators/writers/owners or unstated. And if you want to, fine.
But it is not okay for a Christian person to depict, describe, mention, or assume a Jewish character as anything other than Jewish because THERE IS A REAL DANGER to Jewish persons simply because they are Jewish. Do not dispute this. It is a fact, a horrible, awful fact that we should be doing everything in our power to put to an end. The value of Jewish characters is therefore so important to the growth of normalizing acceptance of Jewishness in all aspects of culture that to “steal” even one canon Jewish character is a violation in the line of antisemitic abuse. One part of genocidal practices is to take objects, stories, and histories of a people and wipe them out, or to replace them with revisions that degrade or wipe out that culture’s ties to it. Every single tiny piece of Jewishness is a tiny piece of a massive tapestry of Jewish existence in our world, of the Jewish part of our humanity, and it is endangered because Jewishness is persecuted.
Same with Muslim, black, gay, trans, queer, or other minority/persecuted representation.
“But I don’t mean any harm. I like Jewish people! Some of my friends are Jewish! They think it’s fine!” No. Don’t do it. Doing this is like being at a party and hearing a guy make a rape joke, and not saying anything, or laughing it off, or smiling (even if inside you don’t agree), because it TELLS THAT GUY that what he’s doing okay.
When you steal a Jewish character and make it anything but, you tell Nazis it’s okay to wipe out Jewishness. Don’t think a Nazi is watching? HOW DO YOU KNOW? Are you keeping a constant watch on every person who uses the internet, or overhears you at a comic con or in the bread aisle at Walmart, their entire lives, to make sure they’re not Nazis? No. And I assure you, by participating in the tiny wittling away of Jewishness in any form, fictional or real, you are engaging in antisemitic behavior. Yes, even if a Jewish friend tells you it’s okay. Because they do not represent the entirety of their Jewish people, and they may not necessarily be being honest with you when they say it’s okay. Not because they’re lying when they say it, but because they’ve been bullied into millions of submissions of microaggressions in their day-to-day lives already, and at some point it just becomes exhausting to say, “No, please don’t.”
Because then they’re asked, “Why not?”
And they have to defend themselves.
(Also, 100% true that Jewish creators created comic book heroes, especially superheroes, and therefore Jewish people can say that any and all comic book characters are all inherently Jewish by fact of existence. It’s very likely they wouldn’t even exist without Jewish culture.)
2) When a person gets upset/frustrated/offended and says you’re being antisemitic/homophobic/prejudiced after you ask a question of them regarding their beliefs/sexuality/identity/descriptor-of-whatever-kind, do not defend yourself.
Yes, even if you feel you had good intentions or were genuinely trying to learn something to be a better ally or whatever. Just apologize and be gracious. No buts. No defense. Don’t even say “I didn’t mean to.” Just say, “I’m very sorry. I will try to do better.”
And then self-examine your question and the place it came from. Often, the reason you were told you were being prejudiced is because you came from a place of assumption and privilege. Always remember that if the question is “why is it okay for Minority Group X to say/headcanon/style/dance/wear/whatever XYZ, but not for me/other people to?” then the answer is almost unerringly going to be “because you’re not Group X; they are, and they’ve been through fucking enough,” and moreover, “if you have to ask, that’s the problem.”
Just take the fact, respect it, and even celebrate that it is THEIRS.
If you got told off, accept the feeling of being told off, or made to feel like an idiot, because that feeling will help you to remember: Don’t Do That Shit Again.
3) When asking minorities or persecuted persons for information, opinions, or education on topics regarding the issues relevant to them, do not assume a right to response or a friendly and submissive tone. And yes, expecting someone to give you the answers you’ve requested even if they don’t want to is expecting submission. I hope we don’t have to go into why that’s a problem.
Not every person is going to be Malcom X, Martin Luther King, Jr., Elie Wiesel, Harvey Milk… Not every person should be expected to speak perfectly at all times, with patience and tolerance. That assumption of persecuted persons that they should cater to the dominance of those with privilege by saying, “oh, yes, sir, of course, sir, I am happy to help, sir,”—that’s fucking abusive. These are human beings, who get upset, and have been through a lot, every day of their lives, in ways we cannot begin to understand because we have not been in their shoes. They have a right to feel upset, and angry, and bitter, and hurt!
“But you’ll catch more flies with honey than vinegar.” Yeah. That’s unfortunately true. You know why? Because it makes us feel better about ourselves when people talk UP to us rather than as equals. “I’m not asking them to talk up to me! I don’t think I’m superior to them.” You are doing exactly that if you get a response that you then say anything to regarding their tone.
Tone policing is absolutely a thing that has been used to subjugate and disempower minorities throughout history. Try not to contribute to it, please!
So, if someone responds saying, “I can’t fucking believe you asked me that. Fuck you.” Take it. They’ve dealt with enough and they’re saying so by that very response. As I said before, just…apologize and move on.
4) This one is simple, if you just listen: you do not have a right to others’ trauma, personal or cultural. They do not have a duty to share it every time they are asked. It isn’t about you, so don’t try to make it about you.
The expectation to a response whenever you ask questions regarding their issues (notice “THEIR” issues, not OURS) is a form of appropriation. The things that minorities and persecuted persons have suffered through, still do suffer through, entitles them to a degree of peace after so long living with that horrible, unfair burden. That means they have the right to say, “No. I can’t talk about this today. I don’t want to talk about this at all, ever.”
If your family was slaughtered and you were left to suffer decades of little abuses every day of your life thereafter, no one would demand you talk about it in detail every single time someone, anyone, walked up and said, “Hey, we’re not friends, but I want to know about…” So why would you expect them to? Because that’s what their reality is and how dare you think you have a right to that?
As it happens, online, you will often find that people’s social media profiles/about me/FAQ pages will state what they are not willing to talk about. If you’re thinking about asking someone a question, check for that information first.
5) Yes, sometimes people will talk to you. Sometimes they’ll answer your questions. Sometimes they will give you eloquent, extensive, educational essays on why things are the way they are. But you may have noticed that these people are not every person. Remember that, and respect it.
And further, remember that, historically, those people were often murdered for speaking up. So remember too that the rest of minorities and persecuted groups may feel afraid of what happens if they speak up too. Respect that fear too, and do your best to make it safe for them to speak when they are ready. Someday, with diligence of kindness, no one will have to be afraid.
4) Exception to #1: If a character is canon Nazi, or canon antisemitic? Leave ‘em fucking Nazi. Don’t try to redeem them. They’re dead to all existence but Nazi existence. They were designed to be a representation of hate, and should be stigmatized and hated for it. They are a villain. Do not try to say they’re Christian or they made a mistake or they learned to be better. And do NOT FUCKING SAY IT’S BECAUSE THEY’RE VICTIMS. Fuck ‘em. They’re dead to us. Let ‘em burn.
If I have to explain why, you’re already thinking in an antisemitic and hateful fashion, even if you did not realize it, and you need to examine your shit.
Exception to #2: If a person is a Nazi, and they say they’re allowed to do something but a person of a descriptor they persecute isn’t? For example, “White people should own businesses, but Jews shouldn’t,” or maybe, “Other people shouldn’t punch me.” That you can fight them on. That you should fight them on. And never apologize. They’re always wrong.
I’m going to stop now. I hope this helps, somehow.
(edited 12/6 to address issues with tone policing and trauma appropriation)
