meg 🍋‍🟩

[minilemons]

[minilemons]

If you drink cutwater and soju and vodka you will wake up and feel like you can see green sludge in your veins

[minilemons]

Either years of therapy are finally working or turning 25 does really develop your brain cause I’ve noticed so much change in myself in the last year and done so much reflecting and realizing why I am the way I am, while also healing from those things. My whole life I’ve been afraid of confrontation to the point where I would suffer internally or talk about it to other people which would end up causing more issues. Probably also last year losing my best friend of nearly 20 years partially due to letting resentment build rather than doing healthy confrontation really put things into perspective. I’m really enjoying this change in myself but at the same time it’s kinda like allegory of the cave type dilemma where now that I’m aware of it I can’t go back to being un-self ware and NOT choosing to bring up issues… I typed this in the car so idk if it made any sense

[minilemons]

The taken seats for my Leviticus showing form a crucifix

[minilemons]

Woke up kind of happy and thinking maybe the spravato treatments I’m doing for depression have started working. It’s kind of died back down and I’m really struggling to get up and leave the house to pick up my new glasses and contacts. I’m still actually hopeful about it for the first time in a while, which is big for me cause I feel like I have tried everything for my depression and nothing has ever really made a dent.

I quit my job and I keep telling myself she wasn’t the only reason, but I think our evil 50 year old lead who decided to pick on me is definitely the biggest reason. I’m so upset that I let people like her get to me so much. I honestly think it stems back to the psychological warfare my father has inflicted upon me throughout my life. Sometimes he still manages to make me cry, but the past few years avoiding him as much as possible and realizing he’s not as powerful as he always felt has helped.

Also I just received a text from a man I never thought I’d hear from again #weird

[minilemons]

I asked my doctor about the possibility of POTS and told her my symptoms and she was like, “yeah it sounds likely, but getting a diagnoses is extremely hard, so good luck!” And I’m on the ticking time clock of turning 26 in 6 months and losing my parents insurance, so I decided I don’t need to know that bad, it’s fine.

[minilemons]

I have possibly blown up my life a bit in the last few days but I think it will be alright. I’m mainly just disappointed in myself that at 25 I still let bullies and miserable people have so much control over me. I was going to revoke my two week notice at work and say I need to quit immediately but I realized I’ve already let this woman who has nothing better to do than harass someone she deems as “too emotional” have too much control over me. I think I’m going to show up to work on my last shifts and completely ignore her and spend some last time with my coworkers I actually enjoy working with. I feel like my whole life I’ve been so ashamed of how little control I have over my emotions and my tears, but I know it’s so much of what makes me who I am as a person so I’m trying to be kinder to myself.

I don’t really know if this is how you use tumblr, I haven’t been able to get into it in all my time on the internet, but rn it feels good to post.

[minilemons]

It’s raining, but I’m alright.

[minilemons]

I spent last weekend with my “online friends” and ever since I got back home I’m genuinely moving like the ghost of oomf past. Take me back.