The weight of the world...
This is one of the hardest blogs I ever had to write. It is one that I never wanted to write.
Hence the long delay since my last post. I have many times sat down and tried to write this, but today is finally the day I will get through it. Not because this is something I want to write but because it's something I believe needs to be written. I am not sure where this is going, or where it will end up but here goes nothing.
Right now I am broken--shattered as a matter of fact, I am destroyed beyond measure and most days I have no desire to put myself back together. Contrary to what you may think what hurts the most isn't falling apart, it's trying to put myself back together.
On the evening of Tuesday September 4th my world began to crumble. Taylor suffered a seizure and was life flighted to Vanderbilt Hospital in Tennessee, she was unconscious. Throughout the night there were some set backs and there were some improvements. She remained on a ventilator, relying on this machine to breathe for her. Many medications kept her sedated and comfortable...being so far away I could do nothing but cry on my knees and ask God to heal her. Heal her so she doesn't have to hurt, and heal her so she can be with us (where she belongs) and living as any normal teenager should.
I begged. I pleaded. I cried. I yelled. I prayed.
I woke up the next morning with swollen eyes, I struggled to get up and go to school knowing I wanted to be no where but with her. I attended what was the second day of university classes I spent most of the day very absent minded; to be honest I don't think I retained one bit of information from that day. I struggled to fight the tears but failed on many occasions.
I kept checking Facebook for updates on her condition. I wanted an update so desperately, but I just wanted a good one. But despite this desperation I did not want an update because I did not want to receive the update I dreaded the most.
And then it happened. At 2:00 EST I got a text message, it contained the 7 most dreadful words that still nauseate me to the day.
"We lost Taylor at 12:54 this afternoon"
I panicked. I was reading the text message over, and over, and over. I couldn't breathe. I didn't know what to do. I felt the world as I knew it collapse right at my feet, every last thread that I was relying on broke. I could not breathe.
I quickly packed up my things and I left. I had no idea where I was going, or who I was going to call--so naturally, I called my mom. I managed to hold in my tears and my breath until I was walking to my car. The only words I could manage to choke out on the phone, "she's gone" The second I stepped into my car I broke down. I hyperventilated until I could no longer breathe, I cried until I could not see. I was lost. I wanted to be anywhere but where I was right now I now realize that I was running away from what I was feeling, not my physical environment. The drive home was gut wrenching. I yelled at the top of my lungs to anyone who could hear me.
The tears did not stop for 3 days. I was consecutively crying in every waking second. I would lay in my bed snuggled in her t-shirt that still smells just like her, and in the blanket we held together this past August. I frantically searched for flights to Tennessee so I could kiss her sweet head and hold her hand one more time, but I had no luck. The fact that I wasn't there destroyed me further. It all seemed so wrong...why did I have to say goodbye to my best friend for the last time? She was only 16. Why the hell was it okay for her to be in a casket?
Days still passed and she was still gone. She had a visitation, an obituary, a mass, and was eventually cremated. At 16 years old. She was gone.
I still cried. I still yelled. I still did not believe this was the new reality. I was sincerely expecting this to blow over, and her to come back.
For those of you who don't know Taylor or didn't have the privilege of getting to know her she is the epitome of an angel. She fought a rare kidney cancer called renal cell carcinoma for years, this cancer is typically found in adult males. Tay tried numerous experimental trials and surgeries yet the cancer still continued to attack. It eventually led to blood clots in her legs and immeasurable amounts of pain. In hear last few months she suffered, yet she fought.
We met in December of 2008. It did not take long for either of us to discover that we were long lost sisters, twins, best friends. Our relationship thrived over numerous e-mails, endless Skype conversations, and text messaging. I know you may wonder how we could have possibly developed such a strong friendship using these methods...but you better believe we did. Every second I was home and she was home we would Skype. We took naps together on Skype, we ate together on Skype, we rarely parted.
But most of all we relied on each other. She was my strength and my saving grace come hell or high water, and I like to think that I was hers. We lived in the same cruel world facing the same unimaginable circumstances and things no one should face at any age, let alone in their teenage years. She understood me, and I understood her. The amount of trust we had in each other was enough to flourish and grow our relationship for almost 4 years.
This past August I had the incredible blessing of spending a few days with her in Tennessee. There was no silence, ever. We did typical things. Things that teenagers do. We went for pedicures, we went out for lunch, we watched General Hospital, we had sleepovers, we had long talks about our lives and the difficulties. And yet we did such normal things, that may not have been to other people. I decorated her pain pump buttons, we took naps during the day to sleep off the drowsiness of the medications, I rubbed her leg to soothe her pain, I rubbed her bald head that was beginning to grow back hair to get her to sleep, I held her when the pain was bad, and watched her sleep. All memories that I am so grateful to have and I would not dare to change. I would take rubbing her back while she got sick over going to the movie theatre any day. I would take massaging her leg over a shopping spree at any moment. I would take her pain and give her peace if that meant that she would live the way she was supposed to.
I would take her back over anything in the world in the blink of an eye.
My mind keeps running back to the conversations we had one night, laying in bed and just soaking the moment in. I will never forget any of her words to me and I hope that she is still holding onto our conversation as well. She was such an old soul, so wise beyond her years.
Taylor had the strongest spirit, she was so resilient. The amount of hope and faith that she had never diminished along her battle, and fear never stood in her path. Rarely did she ever shed tears and never did she complain. She turned to God for answers and any obstacle that was in her way she accepted instead of questioned; she had so much faith that this was the path she was meant to travel...and she never objected to it. She was selfless, she was kind, she was brave. She was a miracle as is our friendship. There is not a time where I don't thank God for allowing me the privilege of knowing such a magnificent, beautiful person. She legitimately had the weight of the world on her shoulders and though she didn't share her battle with others, she took their struggles into her heart and strived to resolve them. There was not a time where Tay didn't put others before herself.
Now here we are 63 days later. The world is still spinning, and it is still crumbling. Yet somehow, some way, I am still functioning. No one's lives have stopped. Why? Why is everyone going about their normal routines when everything is broken? It makes me angry. Why aren't people screaming, and yelling, and crying, and in utter chaos and despair? Though I try to keep composed on the outside, on the inside I am a disaster. I feel incomplete and an unimaginable degree of separation. There is a fire inside of me that continues to grow and consume me and it is not one of passion, it is one of anger.
Anger towards the doctors that could not save her. Anger towards the cancer for attacking her, and eventually taking her. Anger towards the pain that she was forced to endure. Anger towards the advanced medical field that was supposed to cure her. And anger towards the God that is so responsible for human existence and all things good.
I don't think I will ever be able to understand why she had to leave us, I will never understand why she had to suffer and fight for so long only to be taken away. She was destined to do great things, but they should not have been through cancer. I want to know why the Lord insisted that he needed her more than she was needed here, there was so much left for her to do. So much we were supposed to do together.
How can I write a book with only half a story? How can I live when I am only half alive?
There is no way to describe this pain. This is by far the worst pain that I have ever felt, and no medication can ever ease it. I despise the idea of living without her, let alone the reality of it. I miss hearing her voice, and getting her advice, I miss giving her advice, I miss our cries, I miss our bond, and I just miss my best friend.
But the beauty in this all is that she now is not bearing the weight of the world on her shoulders, she is free to run, jump, sing, dance, play softball, and live her life without the burdens and injustice she endured here. The thought of her smiling and laughing fills my heart with joy, and though I miss her with every bone in my body--I am glad she is not hurting.
As if I didn't hate cancer enough, I do now. Though cancer has ripped so much away from us I refuse to let it sever our ties. I refuse to forget our beautiful sisterly-bond. I refuse to forget her smile, and her laugh. I refuse to forget her mismatching socks. I refuse to forget her sweet voice when she sang Luke Bryan. I refuse to forget her sarcastic yet witty and charming personality. And I absolutely refuse to forget all that she stood for, and all that she was.
To the brightest star in the sky, and the most radiant angel in heaven...Godspeed. I cannot wait until we meet again, but until then I'm sending all of my kisses up to you. I will fight for you forever, I promise. I sincerely hope that heaven is enjoying their angel because I sure do want you back.
I love you to the moon and back Tay Tay,
