Over the years Iâve used the phrase âover stimulatedâ to help my husband understand that I literally need to be alone, or go lay down for a nap, or just be without the kids for awhile.
Many husbands spend a lot of time alone. They drive alone to work and back, they may get to go out to the gym alone in the morning or the masjid alone in the morning They eat lunch in peace even if not alone or spend much of their day working but able to focus on the single task in front of them.
They use the restroom. Alone. With no hands under the door.
Meanwhile, if youâve got kids around, you spend a lot of your day constantly being needed by another person. Iâm a homeschooling and working mother with four kids and while my two eldest are finally teens, Iâve still got two younger kids. But still even the teenagersâŚ.
Someone in my house always needs something.
âMom, whereâs the ketchup.â
âI canât find my ballâŚâ
âDid you wash my black dress? I canât find itâŚâ
âI canât reach the soapâ
âShe isnât being nice to meâŚâ
âMooooooomâŚ. can you bring toilet paper up. There is none in the bathroomâŚâŚ hellooooo? âŚ..â
PHONE BEEP: Reminder library books due.
CRASH. âSorry, I spilled my milk. Itâs an accidentâŚâ
PHONE BEEP: Reminder: dentist appointment this week.
*Crying child* âI lost the game and I donât want to play anymore.â
LAUNDRY AVALANCHE ON COUCH: âOopsâŚdidnât see the folded laundry.â
Door opens. Husband enters.
âSalam Alaikum! Hey guys. (Gives hugs) then "Whatâs for dinner?â
I mean⌠thatâs all the short version, right?
Yes husbands work super hard at their jobs. And YES they should be thanked, appreciated, made du'a for, and also treated with love and kindness and respect and all that good stuff.
But being over stimulated is a real thing.
Being burnt out is a real thing.
Wanting to say âI just canâtâŚâ for a day is a real thing.
Itâs just that many women get so upset at their husbands because he doesnât come home and *get* that she is feeling all those things.
In fact, sometimes, she doesnât even know she is feelings those things because sheâs been on auto-pilot all day.
But once you start checking in with yourself you are able to say something like, âIâm feeling super over stimulated. I needâŚ.. â <â and you decide what that is for awhile.
You canât serve and serve and serve and never stop for yourself. Women often donât even stop in Salah. Their minds are occupied or eyeing the prayer mat and a baby crawling away all at the same time. Salah is a struggle not a solace on some days.
We have to keep it real and recognize that itâs normal and ok to reach an over stimulated state.
You are not a bad mother for wanting a break from your kids nor are you a bad wife for wanting a break from your husband or whole family.
But your husband cannot support you if he isnât able to understand whatâs going on.
So next time you feel like you are falling apart honor your need for a break.
âHey honey, itâs great to see you. Iâm glad you are here. Iâm feeling super over stimulated right now and Iâm desperate for a 20 minute walk around the block alone and in silence. If I do this Iâll be a much nicer person to be around. Iâll be back shortlyâŚâ
Alone time or self-care time is as necessary as eating and going to the bathroom! Itâs not an option.
Many women have no idea how to get their husbands on board with this. If you never get alone time, or pause time, or a chance to catch your breath youâll have to teach him your needs, stand firm for your needs, and over time heâll understand.
When he sees you smiling again heâll understand the difference it makes.
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kianamaiart
romaincrisis
germansingergirl
blakekathryn
