Mira

I write shit for fun lmao

[mira-shits]

It just makes me so unbelievably sad how people think I'm scary.

I tend to shrug it off with a lighthearted laugh and question "why would you ever think that?" When in reality I want to ask if i resemble my abusive siblings and parent that much. It just hurts when someone sees you the way you don't want to be seen.

[mira-shits]

god I’m such an attention-seeking whore

It seems like the problem for my depressive state lies with me- like depression does, of course. I expected it to be more about society, and about relationships but damn I just need some wittle attention. It pisses me off how I can’t function properly without having talked to one person despite being happier all by myself.

Loneliness has taught me to speak to myself and therefore keep me occupied, but the speaking to myself doesn’t really matter much when I do know all this shit about myself. I get so hung up on little details of me  rather than someone else because let’s face it, I don’t really have anyone to talk to anymore.

[mira-shits]

a walk in the park

There’s this bridge that I’m thinking of falling into. On my first walk in over 9 months, I pass by it not knowing well if I am so sure about eding my life there, but I walked by it.

To and fro the park, I continously have the thought in my head that perhaps that will be the place I’ll puff my last breath.

Someday, I’ll walk to school passing that same bridge and wondering if I can kill myself off instantly, but then one day, I’ll pass by forgetting about any significance it had to me at all.

[mira-shits]

maybe I need to see a therapist

If life isn’t freeing, does death allow you freedom? I’m just really wondering, because in death, even if you regret it before you die or sumn, it’s not like anything that could hurt you before can hurt you again, right?

[mira-shits]

punching bag

It’s always right to apologize after doing something wrong.

Last night, I was in a bad mental state, tired because of all the research I did, and hungry for the dinner I skipped. It was unfortunate that my friend, unaware, invited me to play, and in order to appeal that even if I was tired, I’d still like him enough to play with him. That was a big mistake. 

Halfway through the game, I bailed on him because I had been calling out everything yet my team was still doing wacko. Basically, I rage-quit like a lil baby because I was getting shit on. I left discord immediately and tried to calm myself down, drinking a lot of water and chilling with my cats for a while. It was for a good three hours that I realised what I had done was wrong and needed apologizing for. It was not good on my part to half heartedly accept an invitation from him just because I wanted to keep up my appearance of being a good friend, when in fact, what I did to him was reaaaaaal shitty.

I joined my other friends on discord today just to look for him, and explained why I was going to apologize to him. My close friend then dropped a big bomb that the friend I abandoned always knew that he was a punching bag for all of us. Guess who felt even more shitty afterwards? 

[mira-shits]

suicide

maaaan I really wanna kill myself

I don’t know what’s holding me back at all. I’ve already thought of leaving everything behind. I never really thought that my absence would cause much trouble anyway. It’s a strage feeling I guess.

I have this strange feeling that the reason I don’t wont to leave yet is because I still want to keep pondering? I have yet to answer everything that there is about life and my entire being on this earth is not yet fully complete for me to understand why. I don’t know, and it’s not like I’m gonna kill myself for the sole purpose of feeding my morbid curiousity. I have my own reason as well, but that’s besides the point.

There’s something that’s keeping me here and I don’t like it at all. How much does one have to suffer before ultimately letting go? Yes, I still have a future but the future is so blurry. I don’t even know if in the next few days we’re just all of a sudden going to die because of this big meteor that once eradicated the existence of dinosaurs. I just can’t hang myself or cut my heart open or something. N it’s starting to piss me off. Sooner or later I’m gonna start a group where I make everyone gather the courage to commit suicide. It’s fucked up that I want to see everyone go but myself, but fuck I know all of these methods and all my motive is enough to support me finishing myself off, yet I can’t.

I’m just sad at everything and I can’t help but want to blame other people because of it. 

[mira-shits]

sad times bois

memories are much fragile than life

I refuse to believe that life is all a human being has to offer. Sometimes it’s the things that gives us life matters, a reason to live. A memory, be it fading or still intact.

I’m slowly forgetting things.  All I want is time to come to a complete stop because frankly, I think it’s moving too fast. Za warudo up in here, maybe. I am slowly forgetting the memories of what still encourages me to stay alive, be it a number, name or a sentence. I think it’s sad, but I feel nothing. It was funny in a way, trying to understand the feelings of sadness without actually being sad myself. Sooner or later, perhaps everyone will forget me, but you can’t deny the fact that I’ve planted something inside them that may have prompted a change in their life. 

Me being completely alive is not necesarry for me to inflict anything on a person. Perhaps even my dissapearance can cause someone to change.

[mira-shits]

sexuality

I am a bisexual whamen.

It’s very often that I have these thought about me just going to the trend by being a part of the gays. There are times where I suppose I’m actually straight because I’m attracted to the opposite gender and show no signs of being  attracted to the opposite by the time I actually set my sights on a dude. BUT there are also times where I believe that I’m a lesbian and can’t get turned on by all men surrounding me.

I don’t know what to think about my sexuality sometimes, but here’s something that actually make sense: I just love people by their entire being rather than look at their gender. I think it’s just because society surrounds me with the notion that I’m not supposed to have second thoughts about loving makes it even harder to love. It’s difficult. Especially to those that are hiding and refuse to surface from the deep even if they’re suffocating. Love is just supposed to be a rational, confusing thought that makes your brain go haywire and your heart beating faster than when you almost fall off ledges. I guess we should just love for the heck of it. No matter the sexuality of gender, all it has to be is consensual from both parties. All it has to be is understading from both parties that they want something- or rather someone.

[mira-shits]

Hedonist

There’s this dilemma from this scientis or whateva (with my lack of proper citing you might think this is fake, but hear me out lmao) that if you could plug yourself in to a life full of pleasures but could not go back to reality, what would you do?

I had first thought, hey why not right? This world is so shitty and so bad, nothing ever seems to go right for peopel that deserve it, millions of people don’t have access to clean water n shit. Then he came up with an example about someone cheating on you. The question becomes, “do you deserve to know the truth about your cheating significant other, or would you choose to be blinded by the love and hapiness he gives you?”

The example clarified my answer even more. If you were rich, would you rather indulge in the pleasures you have or would rather give your pleasures to the ‘truth’ or specifically saying the millions of people who don’t have water? You might say I’m so fucking selfish and damn you right, but look at this perspective; I don’t even know the truth. I only know from my knowledge that other people also have access to clean water. That people out there are living life as lavishly as I am. That I have a lover that doesn’t have a mistress. 

It’s such a hedonist way of thinking, yeah, but if you’re in a good mood, you also expect everyone around you to be in a good mood, right? Might even piss off a few people by saying “it’s a wonderful day” and you wouldn’t know that their family member killed themselves the night before.

There’s no actual way of knowing the truth in each every possible way, just that if you plug yourself in you’d be much more comfortable knowing that nothing will ever cause you harm in your paradise. For rich or sorta upper-middle class people, the dilemma of plugging yourself in is such a simple idea that they don’t even have to leave the real world in order to indulge in their fantasies.

I guess it’s just really up to the people curious about each and every little thing. Anyway my onion is kinda fucked up but what ya’ll think? 

[mira-shits]

A day back in school

Or so the title says but nothing in particular happened surrounding school, just a bunch of schoolwork handed to us and expect us to perfect. This morning was a real nice one despite having classes (I skipped because there wasn’t an announcement then forgot that my math teacher doesn’t do that and just straight away starts lessons) because my friends were with me in discord. It was just a fun dandy little time that I had with them.

They first joined in one by one, and two of them were duo queuing in league while I was testing out the error on my valorant- to see if it was still there despite my best efforts to re-installing it more than twice. To my surprise my best friend joined the call not too long after me and the bois were done with our depressing league game where we had to ff at 17. I then played outlast.

Outlast is... a fun game..? Really, it’s fin and adrenaline-rushing but the frustration of not knowing where to go and what the objectives are rise to the top rather than getting mauled by these mutant things chasing you down. The mauling thing is part of the reason, yet just running around like a headless chicken isn’t going to work much either. I either get scared and hide then run out of batteries, or I gather enough courage just from a few minutes of crouching down in a corner and sorting my thoughts. The latter one is rarer in my case. 

I’d like to personalize a story type thing blog on tumblr, but I never really gather enough streng to do so. Something about fully comitting to writing makes me rethink about being a chef and I’m not all up for my indecisiveness to take over. It’s not like there’s nothing wrong with being a writer, but when my hobby starts to turn into my job, the fun that I had with it gets taken away somehow and everything is bleak and dull. Lifeless and I then realize that nothing is what I hope for. N that’s sad.

[mira-shits]

I feel like I’m not supposed to be here

It’s like, I went into a party that they pity invited me in because they always see me alone or some shit. Perhaps my loneliness has made me believe so, but it seems like the place I once had in this world is no longer there, you know? There’s this urgency to keep away from everybody else because of this otherwise I’ll end up exploding on them and I don’t really want to do that. For now, I’ll lay low and not expect to be heard out anymore.

[mira-shits]

I’m bacc

(mostly because I feel lonely but I figured I’m losing my literary genius)

I’m writing this on my PC since I now own one and therefore all my glittery violet mess of a post isn’t really gonna show up at all in this little scripture. Anyway what I want to talk about;

I’m a really easy prey to capture.

I just realized this when I almost got played again by a boy. To shorten the story, he- let’s call him S, was done serandaing this girl he liked, and when we talked on christmas eve, S somehow got me to confess to him. Then S suddenly went for me, right? Telling me he loves me and all that jazz and I never realized that maybe I was just a tool for his brokeness and in the end, he’ll never pick me like he promised he would. The short story has a lot of gaps in it and perhaps I’ll lengthen it because I’m an idiot that doesn’t know the meaning of ‘short.’ 

This seemingly recent event has caused me to think about my life and how many times I’ve been the fool. Which- plot twist- I was. A lot. I went to visit the memories of my ‘closest friends’ and realized that I never saw them outside of school except for my one and only best friend Elly and her girlfriend. The only time we’d actually see each other in our casual clothing was when they needed to finish up projects, or if they wanted to drink alcohol- which my house allowed and theirs didn’t. The friends I considered my whole world, to them, I might’ve seemed like a nobody. A dust in the desert, one among many, yet so insignificant that it doesn’t matter if they find me or not. It re-evaluated my life for me, the time that I wasted for them, and the time that they never really let me in on whatever they were doing. It’s pathetic. Of me, I mean. I now feel used and betrayed. It’s no wonder that I didn’t understand their little inside jokes. It’s no wonder that they were so distant from me whenever I felt lonely. I was the only one begging to get in their little bubble, and they didn’t let me in. Elly is an exception, she was the greatest thing in my life until she devoted herself to her girlfriend. I was forced to get away from them since I caused unecessary arguements between them. I should’ve stayed. But maybe it was better than to get strung along as ‘the friend of the girlfriend.’

It may not matter now. I mean, it already happened and I got to meet new people along the way that actually met with my interests insted of me trying to catch up to them, but damn the experience hurt. I full thought they’d given me their respect. Turns out that was just blatant isolation. 

It’s funny how I went from “_uwu this guy almost hurt my itty bwitty little feewings _to **I now feel meaningless and my life is a lie.” **I could just say it doesn’t matter at all, like I said in the previous paragraph, but why wouldn’t it? It fucks people up, treating someone that way, and the fact that I feel like I can no longer trust anyone outside the borders of the wall I’ve built equated to that. How I don’t value myself as worthy of being heard about the troubles in my life other than anything that characterizes me into the jokester character that has almost-divorcee parents.

I admit, it was really dumb of me not to see it so easily, and I allowed myself to be so indulgent and open to people that I’ve let a couple of pests in and ruin my home but I was just lonely. I was so lonely and just so willing to give the first people that went through the door with baskets full of my love, hoping to get loved back despite saying it’d be fine if they don’t return anything at all. I’d prolly give my everything to anyone that I wouldn’t mind if everything I own gets stolen in the end. 

I’m like a bunny that offers the wold meat in order to get its affection, but indtead I am eaten whole.

[mira-shits]

Cover

When I heard his voice from the monitor of my laptop, a simple melody shushing my demons to rest. I let out a sigh of content, weeping pathetically into my oil-pastel covered hands. I lay on my side before fully embracing my weakness, my head nearly falling off the bed and my feet with so little space in front of me, I cry. I make sure to cry well as I had to embrace what would soon come after. If only I could live in the stories I write, If only I could truly escape this world with no regrets, but no. That feat is nearly impossible, and my empathetic heart would just seek out of my body and wish to comfort those who had not lost me, but I, who have lost them. Letting out a small gasp to release some of the tension I still harbored inside me, I raised my hands to cover the already dying lightbulb above me.

~~~~

This is all over the place, providing little to no imagery. I don’t even know what I’ve written but who I’m writing this for, but I’m sure this was never inteded to be from me even though I made this exist with my own hands.

[mira-shits]

Renjun (IIII)

You feel your face get hot. Embarrassed, you try to hide again under the sheets, but Renjun pulls you out of it, letting you sit between his cross-legged ones. You’re face to face with him and Renjun tucks the hair- that was messed up from all that squirming- away from your face. “You’re so pretty.” Smiling, he cups your cheek, “so don’t hide from me.” Then, he meets his lips with yours. Renjun’s soft lips melt you deep inside, causing you to close your eyes. As if by instinct, you put your arms around him to deepen the kiss, your legs begin to coil around him as well.

Now Renjun has been trapped by (y/n). Smiling against (y/n)’s lips, Renjun wondered vaguely what he’d done to have an adorable girlfriend. Renjun lets go of (y/n)’s lips before meeting it again, this time, with his tongue. Pushing it into her mouth a little, Renjun feels the little jolt (y/n) made when she gasps at the new foreign feeling.

Smirking against her lips, Renjun slowly teases( y/n)’s own tongue out, biting and licking her lips to get a reaction out of his lovely girlfriend. Unexpectedly, (y/n) moans softly, opening her mouth and letting their tongue intwine.

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Yes. Of course I left you hanging with such a short update lol. The actual bed scene is gonna take a while 'cause I- uhh, I got embarrassed while writing it. Like legit I was red-faced while trying to not squeal with what I was writing. So thank you if you're still here lmao

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[mira-shits]

Why would you hate it?

After all it's the very thing that led you closer to me

[mira-shits]

Renjun (III)

Bearing no response, Renjun shrugs and opens  the door to their bedroom. The lamp on their bedside table was still on, the sunset-like color highlighting the bulge underneath the covers. Still trying to contain his laughter, Renjun coughed in an effort to guise it before saying “honey, are you awake?” Renjun walks towards the bed slowly, teasing you by saying your name with a low tone.

Then suddenly, Renjun jumps on you, both arms trapping you in a big hug. You shuffle with surprise, a shriek escaping your mouth when he continues to torment you, “Honeeeeeeey. Are. You Awakeeee?” Renjun asks one more time, his hug tightening with every word he intonates, his laugh getting louder and louder each time as well. 

You stop struggling and listen as the warm angel caging you continues to crack up in his own little prank. Renjun’s laugh is the best sound you could ever hear. The sound of the love of your life, his throat just releasing these boyishly wholehearted chuckles.

Slowly, you peek from under the blankets, and behold, Huang Renjun.

Renjun had let his now dark brown hair grow, reaching just below his ears. They cover his tightly closed eyes from his hysterical laughter, pink lips open wide from his hysteria. He’s wearing your favorite mustard-colored hoodie, one of his hands now covers the part of his stomach. 

Smiling as Renjun recovers from his high, spluttering into a few giggles before they finally die down. You stare at each other, his beautiful dark brown eyes hold a twinkle in them that they always seem to have especially when he’s looking at you. Leaning down, he plants a soft kiss on your forehead. “I’m home.”

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I should probably number these, huh. Also, this probably gonna get heated in the next few, I’ve set up the scene long enough *cracks knuckles*

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[mira-shits]

Renjun

You burst into a fit of giggles after your boyfriend unknowingly said the words you’ve always wanted him to say. Hugging a pillow nearby as you witness his last few minutes on screen, the door opens and you hear the most awaited person’s voice shout, “Honey, I’m home!”

Huang Renjun. The man you’d know would tend to your wants and needs. Renjun is the person you’d best believe can buy you napkins at 4am without hesitating. Even when you grumble at him afterwards because you’d be in a prissy mood, he’d do his very best to try to make your pain go away.

Hearing the door close knocks you out of your daydream, and as you hear Renjun’s familiar footsteps nearing your shared bedroom, you quickly hide under the covers to surprise him

Renjun’s shoulders shake slightly behind the door, trying to fight off the laughter bubble from his lips. When he entered the house, he’d already heard the faint giggle of his lovely girlfriend, so he knew she had to be awake.

Knocking gently on the door, he greets once again “I’m home, darling.”

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Yes. I will be doing this in parts because my crackhead ass can’t comprehend what’s even happening to my story. Taking a break between short stories like these are what makes my brain keep going.

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