I honestly hope and wish that youāre better than I am right now. The way that I am right now, if you continue down this line, after college you wonāt amount to much and nobody could even be with you even if they wanted too. Cause right now youāre too caught up in trying to keep yourself from spinning out that you canāt even focus on the things that you realistically should.
But this is what always happens doesnāt it? You get yourself in a situation where you either help someone really important to you or put yourself in a situation where you have to get yourself out of the ditch you pushed yourself into in the first place. Iām sensing a pattern here and I donāt really like this. I hope I break this soon. For both of oursā sake.
I know things seem harder because of this quarantine and being away from the people you love. But I don't really know if things wouldāve been better even if the current situation wasnāt the one which you were in. If things werenāt the way they are now, sure, things would be different. But how? Thatās the question right?
SO first of all, letās evaluate how you are right now and whatās in your head before we go on to see what couldāve been if the scenario was different.
(1) You have a shitload of things you could do to pass your time. Those things include- going to the kitchen and actually learning to cook instead of just blabbering about doing so, talking to mom and dad about things, learning Japanese on Duolingo, researching about various things you could research about on google, reading and finishing Murakami or Paulo Coelho, working out a bit at hoe, helping around the house, calling Dadi and Nani on your own.
Those were just the various ways you could pass your time. And if we talk about being productive then you could always finish your Sociology, Political Science, English and Economics assignments and read the Study Material that the teachers forwarded you but you canāt really focus on any one thing at the moment. How fucking useless and dumb is that???
(2) Your sleep schedule is seriously fucked up and you sleep at sometime around 5 a.m. and wake up between 1-4 p.m. depending on I have no idea what.
(3) You just broke up with Shivani. Your longest relationship yet. What a wonderful person she was and how lucky you got with her is something I donāt know if I totally understand yet. Sure, you have your reasons about why you broke up,Ā or at least you think that you do.Ā
She was always the one who did the sharing and you never spoke about yourself. And why was that? Maybe because it involved people sheād be jealous of and you didnāt want to make her feel that way? I guess that was part of it but the truth is, you werenāt as open as sharing things with her as you were with kiddo and that pricked you. You didnāt like how someone was better than her in making you feel at ease. That was just a small part of the huge jigsaw puzzle though.
The thing is, you had always imagined a college romance, being a die hard romantic at heart because of how you had grown up being influenced. But the thing is, you didn't get the college romance you had always dreamt about. But because you had Shivani, you were okay with it. You were OKAY. Not the happiest you could be, but happy still. And slowly you began to realise it for yourself.
You didnāt realise it yet, but you liked Arisia a tiny bit. Maybe it was because of her being the person you could talk to freely with. AĀ ātherapist crushā as she said. But the thing is, you started to project yourself and Shivani in place of her and J. And thatās when things got really messy. Because Shivani was still not going to be there, but you three were. From there things just escalated slowly.Ā
(4) If I trace it all back then it was the time when Kaddu tied me the Rakhi that I slowly started to get close to the ones I callĀ āMY PEOPLEā or consider as my family right now. Everyone except Sanchit of course. I honestly have no clue if I hadnāt talked to Kaddu about the Rakhi thing that day. No point in thinking what couldāve been. The main essence here is, that it was all because if that one decisive moment that I am where I am right now. The people that I call my people are my people because of that one moment.
(5) Arisia/Neko chan/Kiddo, call her whatever you want. But thereās no denying how important sheās become to you and how even something minute from her side could amount to the biggest event in your life. You still like her. Hell, youāve idolised her. And you know thatās not good and even though youāre trying to not give her the power she has you canāt seem to help yourself.
Not having texted her today seems like a big accomplishment in itself.Ā
Donāt get me wrong when I say this. Sheās still the most important friend I have and Iād do anything just to make her happy even when I was in total control of my life and didnāt feel like everything I did had some thought of her.Ā
The thing at the moment is that she doesnāt really feel like talking to anyone utna abhi and I understand that. But understanding something and actually being okay with it are two very different things. I want to talk to her but I donāt want to bother her but I guess Iāve already been one for a while now without even realising it. So Iām just going to try to distance myself from her bit by bit. Today was step one. The rest shall follow.
If she needs anything she can always reach out to me and Iāll be here. But other than that, Iām going to try to live for myself.
(6) Love. Any and all ideas I had about the concept, Iāve shelved it at the moment. Sure, Iāll randomly crush on someone or let them go the next moment. But Iāll definitely not label something as love or even think about it for a really ling time now (or at least thatās the plan for now)
I hope youāre well and amazing future me. I hope you have come a long way from the way you were now. I hope that you have the tools necessary to survive in the world out there and most of all, I hope that you are happy and content with yourself.
AbhilashĀ āgetting back to being Awesome againā Mishra
