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[misanthropiiist]

Crazy, the guy I’m with was none of the ones with the alibis. He might be the one … that’s scary.

[misanthropiiist]

There is farzin and two others. Here’s their Alias.

F-> Abdulla

S-> Navid

Abdullah has small hands but a really nice face and hair. He could treat me well, when it comes to being spoiled. I went to his place last night/ this morning and we went to a cactus dinner date.

Navid is a viiiiibe. I love his artistic personhood. I feel like he gets me.

Then there’s farzin who also tried to kiss me.

Oh I also have to return the engineering ring.

I wonder what Ayo’s love life is looking like…

[misanthropiiist]

Bout to fly to the 6ix ix Ix to see pariya.

I miss her.

Funny, in the Uber I was trying to plan how I was going to bank my hours sleeping.

“Ok 2 h before the Uber in my bed + maybe 3 h on the plane + hopefully a couple on the bus?!?!?”

I’m coming baby.

With you, I feel safe. With you, I feel love. With you, I feel at home and oh, am I home sick.

[misanthropiiist]

Nov 8 2022

Randomly and spontaneously, I decided after submitting my first discussion post of the week (York ethics) that I had just outdone myself and deserved a break. I demanded farsheen send his location lololol he had no idea I was going to show up at his shop.

Anyways.

Something about the way the words “or you could come over to my place” rolled off his tongue that shook up my body. I was, unsettled.

And I know it’s not him. He’s not the type to make a move like that.

I didn’t think Ayo would betray me.

Men are men and I’m completely and utterly traumatized by them.

[misanthropiiist]

Im in the Uber that B -> farsheen called to send me home in and this drivers music is totally up my alley. So much so that I didn’t even realize I didn’t turn my own music on, and especially during this looooong drive home (from Londonderry mall)

[misanthropiiist]

Dishab dishab dishab mese harshab

Jk

Not like everynight. Completely unlike any night instead.

R -> Pariya

I’m writing this because I’m proud of pariya. I feel as though she has gotten so strong. While she is broken and going through one of the most difficult moments of her life, feeling her weakest, it makes her appear ever more brave.

There was a time that I feared this very moment. Her heartbreak. And now that the time has come, I am extremely relieved.

I love her. And I’m starting to have a newfound admiration for her. Thank you pariya, for inspiring and sparking the rebirth of something with in me. I feel I’ve regained a bit of my faith in myself as a result of witnessing your strength.

[misanthropiiist]

I’m going to bring back the whole thing around putting my feelings into thoughts (and vice-versa) and translating that chaos into words.

Today, I spent time with this woman I find both admirable and adorable. She was going through a heart break, which made two of us.

Maybe I’ll give alias names

E -> Delilah

I -> it’s hard to consider what kind of name suits him because idk it’s hard to think about but maybe we’ll just go with something like Ayo

Anyways

Tbh I think I would be down to explore myself with Delilah. Why? Idk she gives me nurturing soft loving kind smart femme but with a twist woman.

[misanthropiiist]

I should start posting on here again

[misanthropiiist]

Tbh to me, life is like being at a party you never wanted to go to.

but now youre there.

and instead of hating it (life), you jus say fuck it and jus try to enjoy what you can.

like yeah, someone is going to spill their drink on that fav outfit you wore to the party, your shoes will get muddy, and someone might shove you into the pool.

but man, the house is built on this hill with the most breath taking view with sunset that paints the sky in numerous palettes. & theres this cute guy in the corner who chuckles every time you do something clumsy. and for a little while, when the crowd dies down, they finally start playing the music you like. There is a moment of serenity embedded in the chaos.

That’s life to me.

I hope you can envision the image I was trying to paint.

[misanthropiiist]

I wonder what Erikson, the lifespan developmental psychologist, would have to say about this. What is it that I am going thru? Is it simply a stage in life in which I must over come some kind of challenge? Or is this just the oh-so-familiar cycle where I lose my mind, regain it, and all to repeat it yet again?

I’m tired. I thought I had made peace with this?

Maybe I’m bored. Maybe I’m tired of being stimulated. Maybe I’m both and neither.

I don’t know what I am.

[misanthropiiist]

I want to feel awake again

[misanthropiiist]

I want to feel alive again

[misanthropiiist]

I want to feel inspired again

[misanthropiiist]

Ugh I don’t want this. I don’t want to write. I don’t want to sit and ponder. I don’t want to reflect. I don’t want to-

Be.

I don’t want to be.

I don’t want to be.

I don’t want to be... this. This. Whatever this is. I don’t want it. I need to rip it out of my chest. I need to wash it off my body. I need to throw it up. I have to shed this skin.

I’m not comfortable. I’m not comfortable. I don’t want this. I don’t want any of this. I’m not comfortable with my place in the world, myself in my body, or my soul. I feel trapped.

I need to break free.

I don’t want to write.

[misanthropiiist]

My last post was 204 days ago. Today, it has been more than 365 days since I truly realized how short summer really is (this is a tabestoon kootahe reference, I feel I need to explain for my non-Persian readers, more specifically, Raman).

Tabestoon kootahe: Summer is short.

This was our song. I thought about it recently. Debated listening to it but alas who wants to reopen freshly healed wounds.

...Freshly healed? Have they? Really? Been healed?

I had a dream I got another tattoo of a square on my inner right ankle to mirror the left ankle.

I just feel... uh... I- I don’t, I don’t feel.

I don’t feel anything.

[misanthropiiist]

A person who thinks all the time

Has nothing to think about except thoughts

So, he loses touch with reality

And lives in a world of illusions

By thoughts I mean specifically, chatter in the skull

Perpetual and compulsive repetition of words

Of reckoning and calculating

I'm not saying that thinking is bad

Like everything else, It's useful in moderation

[misanthropiiist]

Ah last time I was at this park was with them. Is it perhaps not a coincidence that the world has chose to grieve? Is it not a coincidence that we weren’t able to experience the park the way it was set up before?

I don’t know man. I dreamt about you.