COSMOS // CHAOS

23 | california af

[vanish]

why do i get so attached.. i just end up mentally and emotionally hurting myself

[mise-en-thrope]

hi hello idk how many people still follow me or read my shit but this has always been my way of shouting into the void anonymously and so here it goes:

i’ve been in a really bad space for the past 2.5 months. really bad. i was raped 2.5 months ago. it’s been reported. my rapist is in jail with a bail of $2 million. the events that transpired for him to be put in custody are actually really fucking funny. like, as in, his dumbass came to the scene of the crime the next fucking day while i was there with police collecting evidence. i didn’t know this person before that night. i had just moved into a new apartment in la that i was living in for two weeks when it happened. i was kidnapped (technically), robbed, and sexually assaulted. and i’m still in so much pain from it. i had to move back to my parents’ house in the bay, which, yes, is probably best for me, but it was because my roommate had used my assault as her way out. 

it’s been really hard for me to ask for help. because although i know i have a stable support system, i don’t want to burden anyone with how fucked up i am. and feeling like certain people have left me in the dust at my lowest has gotten into my head, so i don’t know who actually has my back. case in point, there’s a dude. who i left in la, and has said that he was here for me before this happened and he’s still there for me after it happened, but i don’t know if i feel it. fully, at least. especially when we’re apart i don’t. like when we’re together he makes me feel safe and happy, and so i never confront him about what i need. i’ve been better about being more vulnerable, but i can never do it. and then when we’re apart, i have doubts. i’m being vague, sorry. i’m trying to step out of the victim mentality, but god damnit i am a victim. i’m 23 fucking years old and i got raped. not that there’s a timeline on these things, but the past 2.5 months have gotten me thinking about how i can keep going, how i can move past this, and not use it as a crutch. i was supposed to testify against my rapist last week, but my hearing was postponed. the second time around. i drove down to fucking la for that shit. i wanted to get it over with, or at least get the ball rolling in terms of legal action, and yet it was pushed back again. just like my fucking life. i don’t think anyone is reading this, but i just had to actually post it. because to me, at least, there’s a difference between posting shit privately and just out into the ether. this is just where i am in my life. and i hope you’re doing better.

[neddel]

may the last months of 2017 be the plot twist you have been waiting for

[spacecadet]

[vethox]

I’m constantly torn between “if it’s meant to be, it will be” and “if you want it, go and get it.”

[shenori-deactivated20170728]

Ah yes, bed time. The one point during the day where I can suffer horizontally rather than vertically.

[prayforprada-deactivated2019091]

now that we’re talking about The Killers like every time When You Were Young comes on and the “you sit there in your heart ache waiting for some beautiful boy to come save you from your old ways” part comes on i honestly get my wig kicked all the fucking way back because its been years and my dumb ass is still waiting like sis…………..

that song doesn’t have to go off like that

[heathledger]

Aaliyah Dana Haughton (January 16, 1979 - August 25, 2001)

[1boba]

*watches a studio ghibli film* maybe… life is okay

[skookumditty-deactivated2019021]

Visit Original Link

please hurry, leave me  I can’t breathe  please don’t say you love me  胸がはち切れそうで 

[chillin-likeavillainnn]

[hieronymouscock]

friendly reminder that

though👏 we live 👏 on the US dollar 👏 you and me 👏 we’ve got 👏our own sense👏 of time👏

[alwaysbewoke]

bitch ass nazis

[cartoon-dog-deactivated20240105]

[erevshelshoshanim]

Growing up fat, you get made fun of for everything you do, even basic shit like eating and laughing and breathing are funny when you do it because youre fat! And its so hard to not carry that with you as you get older, like I’m still embarassed to eat or dance in front of people or smile in pictures and its ridiculous and I hate it and I wish I was treated with more humanity

[violet-disaster-deactivated2019]

Ok for real! I can’t bear to dance in front of people because ive been made to feel so ashamed of how my body moves. Sometimes I’ll tell thin people this and they’re so shocked and sad and I’m just like, this has been my life since I was a little kid, being hypervigilant of how others will perceive my every movement!!!!!

[aaliyah1979]

[wnq-writers]

It will always be you.

JD (via wordsnquotes)