collecting light

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Nicky-mouse! :(( i just read your post on 1 May and it really broke my heart coz i felt the same but then, as I've viewed your recent tumblr post? I was like, wow!! i have to move on too just like this girl over here thanks for being an inspiration, nickyy! Let's both keep the faith burningggggg wohoo! *insert me having puppy eyes* --doozyvyn

aw thanks, bb! i’m really glad to hear that. yes yes let’s keep having faith in - and living for - things beyond ourselves! c: this little life is too precious to be wasted. i came across this line in some restroom in our school (haha) w/c helped me realize just how important it is to have purpose in everything we do. it goes like this (non-verbatim): ‘all these things and moments are as instantaneous as life itself. if you’re not going to truly live for them, why the hell are you still alive?’ i think it’s really a powerful message. let’s take it to heart, shall we? :)

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I really miss you blogging.

i really miss blogging too! :c i’ll (try to) start again this holiday break!

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backreading my posts in here feels really...disorienting. i feel like an overseas worker returning - after so long - to her home, only to discover she is no longer welcome to stay. it’s weird to be this detached, of course - but it’s not necessarily a bad thing. in fact, i’m quite relieved to realize i have changed so, so much in just a span of one year. i remember starting 2015 thinking about how distressing the coming months would be, and how i wasn’t ready for it. i was really scared of the future, you guys. i was scared of moving even just a step out of my comfort zone. i was this sad, stressed, scared teenager trying to survive life mainly by drifting through it - and i knew it’s a toxic habit that needs to stop. 

i can’t pinpoint exactly when - and how - i was able to move past that phase, but i’m just really, really grateful i had the courage to do it. i am no longer crippled by my own destructive ways and thoughts. i have accomplished so many things and have reached important milestones this 2015: one, i did my internship with CCJD and got the opportunity to meet (and work with!) the two of the most passionate people on earth; two, i had my faith in God renewed and found my way out of the pit hole and into the light; three, i was accepted into a scholarship i didn’t expect to pass seeing as i sucked at the exam and interview; four, i applied at the Philippine Star and was blessed with a decent part-time job with decent pay; among many other things. i’m also appointed as editor-in-chief of our org’s official publication, creative director of our lit folio, and director of our documentary to be released this february. i have the best set of friends and a very supportive mother and a talented brother. i have helpful workmates and intelligent professors who inspire me to serve incessantly and sincerely wherever i may be. i have z, who always leaves me in awe of how principled he is. i have my dad who i’m sure walks with me through this life. and of course, i have the Lord with me, who knows i am still confused about so many things yet remains patient enough to guide and wait on me to find out more about his glory. for all these things and more, i am grateful. life is good and my heart is just so, so full of love and thanks.

it was my 20th birthday yesterday and when they asked me what my wish was, i couldn’t tell them anything. and for the first time in my life it’s not because i didn’t want my wish to be jinxed, but because i really had none. i know God’s plans are way better than mine.

so here it is, the start of a new chapter in my life: the overseas worker has left her old house to build a better home overseas. and that’s okay. 

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having my internship with ccjd is one of my best and most rewarding college decisions so far, i swear. it’s barely been a week and yet i am already learning so much!! i have the best (and the cutest!) mentors and gaaaahh i am just so, so lucky to be working with such passionate hard-working people who really know how to harness journalism for the good of all. gah i dunno it’s probably too early to say this but i can’t help but think i (may) have found my life’s work: (aside from making documentaries, of course) i want to work in NGOs!!!!!! in particular i want to work for ccjd and help bring back (and sustain) the kind of journalism that is anchored upon the idea of stewardship and always, always empowers citizens to take action. man, i am so full of passion and enthusiasm right now i don’t want to go back to the university anymore! this is the kind of work that doesn’t feel like work and god knows i have never! felt! like this! in a long time! most (if not all) of my requirements at the university drain me so much and honestly sometimes i feel like i am just doing them for the sake of having decent grades and finishing my degree and not because i am actually enjoying or learning from them. which is sad, really, because i love to learn - but the more i get closer to finishing college, the more i realize the university (or school, in general) is not at all the best learning ground for me. but anyway! i have already spent (and somehow wasted) fifteen years of my life going to school so i might as well just finish my degree. and then i can finally start working and pursuing what i truly want! ahhh i am so excited (and a little afraid). but i just need to believe i can do it! i just need to have the courage to believe! there is so much i want to do in this life and i know right now i’m running slowly and clumsily but i hope it’s not too late to catch up. i just really, really need to have faith in my own goals. for now, that faith is enough. [...]

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(this is the poem my brother wrote. the last stanza is killing me most of all)

"A Beat in Silence"

Tick, tock. In the traquility of dawn, When everyone lies sleeping: I close my eyes awake, With pictures in my head Of that cold winter's night When I was wrapped in your embrace. 

Tick, tock. One after another, a beat in silence. Telling of the tomorrow that may come While drifting away farther from the past; The past when you were here; To lay a kiss upon my forehead And carry me on your shoulders. 

Tick, tock. Says the watch you wore on your wrist. Yelling at me to hold you tighter; To memorize your warmth Before time pulls you away. 

Tick, tock. So finite, unpredictable and brief. So fast I lost the chance to even bid you my farewell, and make you proud of your legacy: your son.

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(i just read the poem my brother wrote about dad and now i’m really really really trying my best not to cry) (but i’m failing) (i’m crying) (for the first time in the longest time i’m crying... again... about dad’s absence) (it’s always about dad’s absence) (the tragedy of being here - of existing where he isn’t) (of becoming when your reason for becoming isn’t all that clear anymore) (dad, why) (i swear to god, nights like this are the worst. something about the silence amplifies the quiet childlike longing in my heart) (i close my eyes only to be flooded with memories i thought i had already deeply buried, but no - after all this time they are still here, just sitting in limbo, waiting for a chance to anchor me down again with the heaviness and pain they carry) (do you feel that: the heaviness of pain? the pain of heaviness?) (they’re both different and the same - they are both loud in their quietness) (dad, do you hear that? your absence is so loud in its quietness) [...]

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you know nicole has seriously, legitimately given up on life when she starts missing deadlines on purpose; forgets--or rather, doesn’t have the motivation at all--to exercise, jog, or simply even get out of bed; starts ditching her eat-clean diet for big portions of junk food even though it makes her feel like a total crap; ignores chat messages no matter how important and urgent the messages are; and most importantly: stops writing

u g h 

i blame the academic calendar shi(f)t

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man, i dunno... faith is such a dangerous, perplexing thing.

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Hi! Thank you for making me feel comfortable for answering my ta. I feel better now. i was just so sad at that moment and really, your answer changed my mood. Take care, dear. :* :))

aw yay i’m glad you feel better! you’re welcome!! take care and good luck on your thesis! :)

Anonymous said:what are some of your favourite books? sorry if you've been asked this before. i'm a new follower :)

hi! it’s here: http://uniquecole.tumblr.com/tagged/recommendations

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I just wanted to tell you how beautifully thought and written your posts are. There's definitely sincerity in the way you write and sadly, that's not evident within a lot of bloggers. Props to you and your amazing talent, and relatability.

maaaan, do you know how hard i grinned! thank you for this, really, thank you. for real, this is so sweet <3

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hi. i feel sad right now and i don't know why my hands brought your page for me but idk i just feel like to talking to someone right now. i feel so dumb because of what i've read while ago. see, my professor made his status of his disappointment about my thesis. yeah he was speaking in general but i know i was the reason and idk i feel so down and sad after. ugh. sorry for my rant. i just don't know how to get over with this :(((

>:(< aw, baby. it is normal to feel down, but please don’t drown too much on that feeling. it will eat you whole. i suggest you talk to your professor about it! ask him/her for tips on how to improve your thesis - what are lacking? are there important points/themes that are not being touched upon? 

tbh though, i think it’s quite rude and insensitive for your professor to make that status. i mean, it’s okay to express disappointment, but not like this. thesis advisers are there to guide and help you in your thesis, not let you down.

but anyway: the fact that you are putting much effort into writing your thesis already means a lot, and you have to always, always keep that in mind! you are doing something worthwhile! :) so don’t be sad, please.

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flight; fright

i’ve been having a lot of nightmares lately, all of them revolving around the same theme: me, running away and hiding. me, being chased by a rabid dog. me, hiding at the rooftop of my high school in the middle of the night. me, running away from a stranger who wants to kill me with his gun. and yet: no matter how good i am at escaping, they always find their way to me in the end.

dreammoods tells me chase dreams can signal avoidance and anxiety--that there is an issue, a feeling, or a person i have been trying to avoid in my waking life. it’s crazy though: i think i know exactly what i’m trying to avoid, but i still don’t know how to confront it. or rather: i don’t want to confront it at all. i’m so goddamn scared of confrontation. 

god, i don’t know. the truth is, everything terrifies me. the past, the present, the future: i’ve been running away from them, all my life. i’ve been keeping myself to myself, all my life. i’m all flight, all fright, and no fight. it hurts my head to wonder how much more i can endure before everything--every regret, every memory, every pain--becomes too much that it explodes right in front of me and knocks down altogether the pseudo-reality i’ve been trying to believe in. and you know what the scariest part is? the fact that it’s all my fault: i am a walking, talking time bomb set to destroy my own fucking self.

unless: i do something that deactivates the ticking. 

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things that would help me right now:

i. re-reading everything is illuminated ii. reading the year of magical thinking iii. binge-watching orange is the new black  iv. a vacation  v. someone holding my hand v. softly without speaking

things i have to be doing right now:

i. building my curriculum vitae ii. starting my socio essay iii. working on my comm res report iv. basically getting my shit together and repressing all unnecessary feelings/thoughts so i can function enough to get through all of these

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you know, the thing about studying in UP (more so if you're pursuing a media/social science degree) is that you are constantly bombarded with all these facts and analyses and theories about the world and the society in general and you are trained to always be ingenious and critical and principled in whatever you do or say that it's hard to not develop some sort of youthful idealism in you...in the sense that you believe you can still do something to change the system--that it's never too late to stop this culture of maltreatment and fight all these injustices or something--because you are taught to never be apathetic and complacent in situations like these and because what the hell, apathy is humanity's greatest sin and danger and enemy and if we just sit here and do nothing it will be the death of all of us

anyway

i actually forgot where i was going with this one lol but i guess what i'm trying to say is that when you graduate and begin to work in the real world, you realize that all the things you learned in college are accurate and true--that the real world is a very cruel place full of cruel people leading cruel lives; and that it's hard to keep your determination, keep your soft heart and open mind when injustice lingers in the air like thick smoke and overworked yet underpaid workers don't have much choice but to succumb to it because they would be in danger of getting fired if they choose to fight those in power or something

and also, it's very hard to not lose your idealism when you are faced with the dilemma of going after what you want (i.e. your passion; the track where you're happy but more often than not, you don't have the money) and pursuing the track which leads to the supposed better life (i.e. the track with the money but no glory at all) and i dunno, man

you work and you work and you work, and one day (probably twenty, thirty years from now) you find yourself realizing that you do not have your idealism anymore, you lost it along the way and you didn't even notice it because you were too busy making money investing here investing there or whatever

and it sucks and it's scary and the vicious cycle just continues on and on

and i just--i don't want to be part of that !!!

i don't ever want to lose my youthful idealism. i want this to change i want this to stop i want to topple this system! but i dunno, god, how do you change something that is so rotten to its core?

i'm pretty much just rambling right now, i'm so disillusioned with everything it breaks my heart. agh what have we made of this world

[miseramble]

hello! i changed my theme and blog title despite being on blogging hiatus because ha ha i am v. good at wasting my time over things i shouldn't be doing to begin with and putting off more important more urgent things indefinitely (e.g. my readings for tomorrow's sociology class) and then feeling guilty about it regretting it beating myself up for not trying to fix my misplaced priorities and for doing the same mistakes over and over without ever actually learning anything

(cue: glen hansard singing the line "when will you learn?" with his soft, low voice with the clearwater intonation)

[teremisu]

Liham ni Andres Bonifacio kay Ka Oryang

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1897 Mayo 1

Mahal kong Oryang,

Mali ka. Hindi kita nakasalubong upang sa dulo ng kalsada, ako ay liliko sa kanan at ikaw sa kaliwa. Sapagkat saan man tayo dalhin ng ating pakikibaka, ikaw lang ang aking itatangi at makailang ulit na ihaharap sa pulang bandila. Hindi tayo nagpalitan ng mga kwento upang sa pinakahuling tuldok ng pangungusap, ang karugtong ay alingawngaw ng katahimikan. Walang pagod kitang aawitan ng imnong pambayan, Oryang. Hindi kailanman ako mauubusan ng salita upang maialay sa iyo bilang mga tula. Maging ang bulong at buntung-hininga’y magpapahayag ng pagsinta sa tulad mong umiibig din sa bansa. Hindi tayo sabay na tumawa, nagkatinginan, at tumawa pa nang mas malakas, upang sa paghupa ng halakhak ay may butil ng luha na mamimintana sa ating mga mata. Loobin man ng Maykapal na pansamantala tayong magkawalay, tandaan mong ang halakhak at sigaw ng ating mga kasamahan ay sa akin rin. Hindi ka dapat masabik sa akin sapagkat ako’y mananatili sa iyong piling. Hindi kita niyakap nang ilang ulit upang sa pagkalas ng mga braso ko sayo ay maramdaman mong iniiwan kita. Habambuhay akong magiging tapat sa ating panata, Oryang. Kapara ng binitawan kong sumpa sa ngalan ng bayan, tayo’y mananatiling katipun, kawal, at bayani ng ating pagmamahalan. Hindi tayo bumuo ng mga alaala sa umaga, tanghali at gabi upang sa muli mong paggising ay maisip mong hindi tayo nagkasama sa pakikidigma. Hindi ko man hawak ang bukas, nais kong tanganan mo ang aking pangako na ilang ulit kong pipiliing mabuhay at pumanaw upang patunayan sa iyong mali ka. At kung magkataong ako’y paharapin sa ating anak na si Andres, buo ang loob kong haharap sa kanya at sasabihin ko sa kanyang mali ka. Hindi ako bumati sa simula upang sa huli ay magpaalam.

Ikaw ang aking bayan, Andres

*Ibinigay ni Julio Nakpil ang liham na ito kay Oryang ilang gabi makalipas ang pagpaslang kay Andres sa Maragondon.

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you look (and sound) so carefree and classic ugh im in love with you

<3 thank u

Anonymous said: Nicky~mouse! Thank you so much for answering my 'what your favorite tea query' hihi! ♥ Btw, i'm a tea addict and i do want you to recommend me your favorites so yeah, thanks for such a long answer. You dunno how much you made my heart bounce upon reading it. Ehihii. Btw, i'm Doozydvyn (doozy divine). Once again, thanks mucho for the answer. Love ya Nicky! *u*

you're welcome, D! :) yay