i wrote this so my hands wouldn’t reach for the phone again
And I had to let you go because every time you
talked about her I wanted to scream why can’t you just love me instead
and I had to let you go because every time you
spoke i wanted to cry and wrap my arms around you and
protect you from everything that ever hurt you
and i had to let you go because i
shook at the thought of someone hurting you,
shook at the thought of someone telling you off.
and it scared me how much i was
willing to
destroy myself for you
and i had to let you go because the only
time i heard you say you loved me was when i
dragged it out of your mouth with
all these sweet words i said like i was always
trying to slip a ring of your finger but it usually got stuck half way.
some days even lotion didn’t work.
and i had to let you go because i
loved you too much that i was burning to ashes. if i had
held on any longer i don’t think i would have been able to
recognize myself when i walked out of the fire.
and i had to let you go because that scene from a
book i read in middle school
flashes in my head where he
wonders if she even really loved him, because after all she was the
kind of girl who would give her kidney to a
stranger she met off the street
and i had to let you go because i
worried that you were just a stranger i met off the street, and i was pretty
sure i would have cut my kidney out with a scissor and the best pliers I could find and handed it to you
if you said you were looking for a donor.
And because if I mentioned afterwards that I was feeling a little dizzy,
You would have glanced at me with an unimpressed, unamused face.
Somehow I think you can tell when someone is trying too hard
and i had to let you go because i was
scared to death that i was trying to love you and
justify my existence in the process
and i had to let you go because i
knew that giving you a part of me doesn’t mean you have to
love me back, and you most certainly wouldn’t have, anyway
and i had to let you go because i kept
waiting for you to wake up and love me and then if you
finally did i would sigh in relief because the
days i went to class armed with only two hours of sleep and sunken eyes would have
been for something
and i had to let you go because if i just went
quiet every once in awhile i would
always have the option of never letting you go
and i had to let you go because i was
flipping through my journal this september when
all of a sudden i realized i’d known you for almost a year and i was
still writing about the same stupid things you made me feel.
so i finally let you go
because i wanted something
new to write about.
Demons are most powerful when they leave fresh wounds,
And you’re fading fast like an old scar.
