I Like Me Better When I’m Drunk

A small place for my misguided thoughts and messy feelings. Please be kind as you pass through; we are much more fragile than we know.

[diet-mountain-dew-nyc]

"I wanted to be unforgettable. Indelible. I wanted to haunt their hearts and minds—to be everywhere and nowhere, spectacular and out of reach. Only in the chaos did it dawn on me. Being remembered is not the same as being missed."

[misguidedmoonshine]

How long will I haunt these halls alone?

I’m so tired of seeking comfort

in myself.

I miss the feeling of being in love

and having someone

to call home.

Where do you go?

When the liquor has run out

and your friends have left

and all you have is you

to go home to at the end of the night—

Do you hold yourself?

Rock yourself to sleep?

Listen to your own words

and reminisce a time when

you knew

what you had to say mattered to someone…

[buttonpoetry]

“We have built cathedrals out of spite and splintered bone, of course they aren’t pretty, nothing holy ever is.”

— Brenna Twohy, from Swallowtail 

[apriljinxed]

How do you like your wife?

As tall as a carpet

Spun and laid by the door

Hopes kept swept

Neatly underneath

Employed expectedly

As home maker

A contribution

Traditionally without value

Draped in the purity

Of single ownership

Your own personal whore

Malleable for your pleasure

The weight of her breath

Seemingly featherlight

A woman

Truly worthy

Of the title

Wife

She crowns you a martyr

A saint fleeced

Of your value

Your last name

Denotes her as equity

Tell me again

Why you rely on inaction

In the absence of contentment

Tell me again

Why love might feel

So unsatisfying

Tell me again

Of your desire

To capture fire

To keep yourself warm.

[buttonpoetry]

“All songs are about how much of someone we can take into ourselves until we both become dust.”

— Hanif Abdurraqib, from The Crown Ain’t Worth Much 

[misguidedmoonshine]

Happiness

In the quietest of kisses,

Strawberry jam

And honeysuckles

Linger on everything

You touch;

Pressing hope

Into the folds

Of your freshly done linens;

The greatest kindness

You can afford yourself

Is forgiveness.

[jellyfishfest]

[misguidedmoonshine]

Why does it feel like

Rejection

When I never wanted more;

Why does it feel like

Heartbreak

When I didn’t love you so;

Why does it feel like a

Breakup

When you were never really mine;

And why does it feel like

Loss

Like I’ve somehow let you win.

[buttonpoetry]

“If only you could grab madness by the face, pin it against the chain link fence, look it in the eye and say, ‘You touch my kid again, I will fucking crush your life out.”

— Rachel McKibbens, “Glutton”

[apriljinxed]

Translucent

I kneel down by the brook

To wash you from my mind

Fingers dipped in cool black water

Flowing with the purpose of an ocean

I’m captivated by a glimpse of the moon

I thought I was rid of your ghost

Just last night I watched my heart bleed

Across smooth white quartz

Red as rust

Carried away in swaths of persistence

But the stars have brought you

Crashing back into frame

Uninvited

Though not necessarily unwelcome

I think of how I could reach for you

Hands splayed out, grasping

If only my fingers were longer

The task wouldn’t seem so fruitless

Between each outstretched finger

I find the tension of your absence

I also find the truth between my temples

You don’t long to be captured

By my cool wet fingerprints

Surely I deserve the love you don’t offer

But my hips don’t deserve to crack at the prospect

Of your own cool fingers

Dipped in pools of indifference

If you can’t acknowledge my pain

You don’t deserve to hold my heart

Because in between each word I write

For you and about you

Is a story derived of courage

For me and about me

Of all the things that go unsaid

It took whispers from the trees

And a reminder from the stars

To remember what I always knew

.

I kneel down by the brook

And press my lips

Against the cool glossy reflection

Of the moon above

Sure in the buoyancy of my own heart

And thankful for this gift.

[buttonpoetry]

“Choose to spend your whole life telling secrets you owe no one to everyone, until there isn’t anyone who can insult you by calling you what you are: you holy blinking star.”

— Andrea Gibson, "Your Life"

[buttonpoetry]

“It isn’t love, my friends say gently, as if I needed reminding. As if I could mistake my bathtub for an ocean.”

— Brenna Twohy, from Swallowtail

[thepersonalquotes]

[misguidedmoonshine]

I’m looking for ways

To ruin you

The way I feel I have been wronged

Opening up

And spilling my heart

My fears

My trusts;

I don’t know what makes me so

Weary

Of intimacy

And vulnerability

But once I gave it away

A terrible fear

Knotted at the back of my throat

Traveled it’s way

Down into my stomach

And grew it’s roots

To fester in my mind.

I don’t want to be honest-

I want to hurt you

Because you frustrate me

My love, I know it’s not right

I know it’s not fair

But I’m awful

So terrible

And pushing you away feels better

Than admitting I want you-

To devastate me.

When you kissed me

I nearly cried

At the rightness if it all

And perhaps in my mind

It was better to push you away

Than admit I’ve gotten in too deep

With wanting you to want me.

[annaxiin-deactivated20180808]

[etteraths]

Bubble Gum // Clairo

[remanence-of-love]