Red Ink & Racing Thoughts

[missanshutz]

31 JULY

I've changed some of my pills so yesterday I was preparing for some new side effects. As I was trying to fall asleep I started to imagine what my life will be like after all these pills. As a teacher I've been completely incapable of planning my schedule ahead for the last few months because of my sleep issues. So, like... what if the treatment really helps? What if I end up becoming a completely new person? I mean... what if I have never known myself? Like, true and genuine me? Sorry for whining, but... What if?

[missanshutz]

7 JULY

I broke down completely.

Mentally. Emotionally. Physically. Everything collapsed at once.

I've been so exhausted lately—drained by the setting I live in, by the noise I can't escape. And this time, the loneliness hit so hard I couldn't stop crying. I just sat there, tears flooding, and I didn't want to talk.

I felt so helpless it scared me.

And then there's the rest of the world—falling apart, piece by piece. It keeps crushing me. And I just have to endure it.

[missanshutz]

Welcome to my brain. It’s not always a pretty place, but it’s mine.

I live with Mixed Anxiety-Depressive Disorder. Some days I feel everything too intensely, and other days I feel nothing at all. This space isn’t about toxic positivity or "just cheer up" advice. It’s about the messy, raw, and real reality of surviving when your mind is your own worst enemy.

If you’re here, you probably get it. Let’s sit in the quiet chaos together. 🖤

[missanshutz]

I could zone out during lessons or lectures – which, as I can say now as a teacher, was definitely ruining my life.

I woke up dazed every day for no reason and couldn't see any point in doing chores or anything else.

My life depended on what other people told me or said about me.

Something could crack me up unexpectedly, and I was never sure if my reaction was normal or not. I felt like I'd been born as a teenager – like I'd missed millions of basic things that were supposed to be put in your head when you're a toddler.

[missanshutz]

No matter what pills you’re on… sometimes there are days when you have to force yourself to communicate, even with your dearest ones.

I’m Fundah. I’ve been on pills since my first year of uni. I took some breaks from them, and each break was marked by something so traumatizing that I finally gave up and went to a psychiatrist.

The thing is—I’d get so obnoxious every time I went off my pills.

At this point, I feel it’s necessary to say: I DO NOT recommend any pills, even if they’re prescribed by your doctor. Some doctors tend to prescribe the same basic stuff to every patient, which can do more harm than no medication at all.