When it’s obvious you are and have been the problem in your parent’s lives. Ever since you started to use drugs at 22 over a man that was a horrible dealer and you lost everything you owned and worked for over this craving of something you never had a chance to experience, the experience and feeling of not being told every move to make, worrying about what others think of you, making yourself have to predict everything hyper vigilance in determining how your parents feel or their mood depending on their behavior or how many cans are Ina box and how low the bottle is after each new drink that is made. Having every fight they ever had broke it’s because of you or it’s because they don’t see eye to eye and multiple times in your youth all you ever saw was fighting, yelling, threats and your mom always walking out the door them coming back because she fills she had no where to go. You get my point. Back to the main focus after you finally got out and away from this man that help you lose everything. You have a total and complete mental breakdown and want nothing but to rage against anyone who had wronged you, treated you badly or abused and made fun of you for being naive or gullible then when you got fit off of pure anger, hatred and revenge you meet an other man have a child and the man you have this child with couldn’t even meet up to the expectations of what to do when you have a child. Then he does everything he wants while you’re pregnant and working not one but two jobs plus over time saving up money that you just stay quite and eat your feelings until you gain over 100 plus lbs because you learned at a young age that no matter how you feel you are wrong and made to feel invalidated. But OHHHH does it get even better! You are told by the person you have a child with that they were just there to be the fun and have fun not wanting the responsibility that comes with having a child. Now your 29 still living at your parents not able to keep a job because all you do is constantly hate who you are and what your life has become so you try and numb the pain by bad coping mechanisms then while looking at your own child and watching her play and even playing with her and smiling but inside you know you are completely and utterly worthless and just wanting to die even begged for people to kill you, made problems in the past to see if people would kill you and even asked wtf ever is out in the universe to take you because unfortunately you aren’t able to just do it yourself.
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