Disclosure
He was unjust. He knew that and she'd pointed that out to him by claiming that he was the very reason that kept her from gaining a proper understanding. Deep down, he wished it was that simple; that he'd have her sit down, look at him and listen while he poured his heart out and flooded her with the events of that fateful night and the rest that followed after, however, it was more complicated than that. He'd buried the past within himself and tried to let go of everything that didn't serve him anymore. He functioned in his day-to-day life and had enough self-control to pretend - for Celeste's sake - that he'd moved on and the past hadn't haunted him, but he never imagined he'd have to face these consequences and open up about the horror that had been his reality to the person who'd been the trigger for the events and whom he loved too much to wish to hurt. Unsurprisingly, she got fed up with his inability to communicate and not only that, she grew aggravated over the fact that he refused to let down his guards, so she changed her approach and reprimanded him, which he endured frozen in that same position. Every word, every criticism that left her mouth was well-deserved, moreover, as she summarised every little hint, every blurry detail he'd shared with her so far, it did become clear to him that he was at fault. He'd not been successful at expressing himself and he needed to change that. At one point, she furiously pushed the covers away from her and to the side, giving him the impression that she'd get up and storm away, leaving him to his thoughts, which set off an alarm in his head, so he jerked up as well, dropping his arms to his sides and turning his head towards her to watch her with a terrified expression, like a deer in the headlights. It did hurt him to see her come undone like that- especially as he was the cause of her distress, though, if anything, it helped him pull himself together and genuinely want to alleviate the situation. "I'm sorry" He breathed with exasperation after long moments, his agitation evaporating as suddenly as it appeared. "I didn't mean to-... *trails off and looks away with embarrassement* I'm not angry at you... no... If anything, I'm furious at myself..." He admitted in defeat as he grabbed the covers draped across his lap and began nervously fiddling with the creases, displeased with how he treated the situation and her. "We shouldn't be having this conversation in the first place if I hadn't- No *shakes his head* What happened, happened. There's no point in blaming yourself as it won't change things for the better... *He murmured, closing his eyes for a bit and cutting himself off, repeating the words his therapist told him during a session, before taking a steadying breath and slowly turning towards her* Cissa... I need you to know that I'm aware I should have told you already... but time never felt right for it... *pauses for a second* When we've met at the party... It was achingly familiar... but you felt distant... I didn't know what to expect- or rather didn't expect to share my life with you again... then... as time went by, it became more and more of a burden to keep it from you- but at the same time, I started to fear losing you more and more-... I didn't want to risk it... I understand if you'll be mad at me for not saying a thing... but please- I beg you to keep in mind that I had the best intentions... that I love you and I don't want to cause you any pain... If I could, I'd go back and change things... just so I wouldn't have to put you through this"
She stared at him in silence after he finished, her anger dissolving into something far less comfortable. Her breathing slowed deliberately as she fought to keep herself composed. She couldn't afford to lose her temper now. Not when every instinct in her was screaming that whatever he had hidden was infinitely worse than she'd imagined. Her eyes dropped to the blankets that she had pushed aside before lifting back to him, searching desperately for something reassuring in his face. "I walked away. Whatever reasons I had... Celeste wouldn't have known them...or really understood. All she'd have seen was that I disappeared." Her fingers twisted together until her knuckles whitened, trying to ground herself. "But...," her voice caught despite her efforts to steady it, "Lucius... that's not all of it, is it?" She swallowed hard as the knot was already forming in her throat while her heart began to race. "You're speaking as though you're trying to prepare me for something terrible and that frightens me. I'm frightened because every time you explain why you kept this from me... you make it sound worse." Her eyes shimmered, anxiety creeping unmistakably into them despite the calm she was desperately trying to maintain. "You keep asking me to remember that you love me... that you wanted to protect me... that you'd change the past if you could." The room fell silent for a few moments. She reached for his hand, not just for his sake but for her own, in an attempt to try and steady her heart and mind. Her thumb brushed unconsciously over his knuckles. "I'm terrified of what you're about to tell me, Lucius. But I'm even more terrified of what my mind is inventing while you stay silent."
