river of fear

narisa ' nana ' suwanarat penned by alli, under daydreamfm

[mistyblossoms]

INTRODUCING . . . NANA !

( kitty chicha amatayakul , cis woman, she/her, muse f ) i just saw narisa ‘ nana ’ suwanarat rocking out in their hotel room , blasting fairy tale by seori out loud. aren’t they supposed to be at the studios since they’re the rhythm guitarist ? the tabloids have been saying that the twenty-eight year old is + imaginative, but can also be - mercurial — overall they’re the chameleon. but their fans say they remind them of scribbling lyrics haphazardly on diner napkins, chipped nail polish, sound reverberating in your chest from studio speakers, and putting on her sticker-covered headphones when no longer interested in conversation.

stats (coming soon!). pinterest.

BACKGROUND

born in the outskirts of bangkok, raised in brighton, england by a single dad as an only child. her mom was never really in the picture, but that didn’t matter much. narisa suwanarat was natthan’s little pride and joy and did everything he could to fill the shoes of both parents. sure, his sister would come around now and then to babysit whenever work at the recording studio would take him into the long hours of the night, but he was never an absent father, not in the slightest.

that being said, having a musician/producer as a father meant there wasn’t a moment nana’s childhood wasn’t surrounded by music. whether it was the tune of old vinyls playing throughout the house or raw instrumental reverberating through studio speakers, she lived and breathed music. whenever she was asked what her dream was when she grew up, it's no surprise she said she wanted to make great music just like her dad. whenever it was bring your parent to school day, he would introduce himself as a musician and producer and everyone in her class would admire him the same way she has her whole life. he was the best dad she could ever ask for in his eyes.

she tried out a bunch of instruments, but the one that stuck was the good ol’ classic electric guitar. on days there wasn't an amp she could plug it into, the acoustic did just fine. over time, she’d hum some notes and certain lyrics would pop into her head and she’d immediately scribble them down in the margins of her notebook and spend her evenings fiddling with chords, eventually consulting her dad for advice and feedback on new songs.

fast forward to 2010; one night, they were both sitting on the couch, scrolling through channels on the tv when they stumbled upon a commercial for a survival show called the x-factor, encouraging watchers to sign up to audition and grab the chance to be the “next big star.” sixteen year old nana’s eyes sparkled — she wanted to show the world what she’s capable of, winning would just be the cherry on top. her dad was, of course, very supportive every step of the way and lended a hand when she needed one. as she auditioned with a self-produced song, the judges were not only impressed with her producing and songwriting skills at such a young age, but what surprised her was how much they loved her voice. nana considered herself a musician before a singer, up until that point she didn't even think her voice was an asset. but the judges loved her and so did the viewers, she supposed that's all she could ask for.

more fast forwarding, she placed 3rd overall! it SHOCKED twitter the day she was eliminated, they had expected her to sweep the whole thing. not soon after, she was offered a huge record deal that, in hindsight, sounded too good to be true. they would give her dad a place to live in america, allow her creative freedom, what more could she want? they clearly saw her potential. so she signed the contract, packed her bags, and moved to america.

but all things have to go downhill somewhere. when nana finally got her bearings and released a few smash hits was when her dad began seeing someone. she knew it must've been lonely raising her and giving her his everything, so it was only fair to do the same. except whoop dee doo, his girlfriend was a piece of shit! she really wanted natthan all to herself, saying how nana didn't need him anymore and made tons of shitty remarks about her at any available opportunity. truly ridiculous how tight she had him wrapped around her finger. not to mention, her management at the time slowly began to exercise more control over her music and her presence in the public eye and she was Not having any of it.

nana’s 18th birthday rolls around and she’s out eating dinner with record executives and staff, but no sight of her dad or his girlfriend. calls, nothing. texts, nothing. it wasn't until about the middle of the dinner they both arrived clearly disheveled, couth thrown out the window. fuck management, fuck everything, she thought. her patience wore out and she stormed out before they tried to explain themselves. tmz snapped pics of her giant outburst, and when natthan’s girlfriend chased after her, nana’s first instinct was to slap her. and she slapped her hard. “you will never deserve my dad! you will never be my mother, you gold-digging bitch!”

headlines after headlines, rumors spread like wildfire. the #1 music production institute she applied to was “unable to consider her application in light of recent controversy.”  in the label’s eyes no amount of PR would fix her reputation, so they dropped her when her career was just getting started. maybe this was a sign, she thought. for the best. as painful as it was, she packed her bags, left a note behind for her dad before moving across the country. 

the next couple years were lonely for nana. she had enough money saved up to last her a few more years, but she felt like her time was running out. with the remaining connections she had, she eventually found an opportunity through a friend of a friend at a recording studio, and the rest is history.

PRESENT

the only female producer at their recording studio, nana helped compose and write some of afternoon daydream’s discography. it didn't even cross her mind to consider that she could be a part of the band until fernanda pitched it to her. nana was perfectly content with being behind the scenes, behind the curtain. not that she thought she wouldn't be be a good addition, but she was technically already a part of them, would adding her really benefit them? even to this day, nana still has some qualms about the whole thing, but the rest of them (well, besides mackey and kal) have reassured her that she’s their missing piece of the puzzle.

HEADCANONS

a largely unknown fact among the general public or afternoon daydream is that her first instrument wasn't actually the guitar, but the flute (lizzo’s got NOTHING on ms nana 😤😤). her dad’s a classically trained musician and producer, and he encouraged her to pick up his first instrument, but it didn't last too long. she dabbles in other instruments, but deep down she knows the flute is her first love. no offense to betty, her vintage stratocaster—yes, she named her guitar, doesn’t everyone?

before nana officially joined the band, she’s been credited in a decent amount of afternoon daydream’s discography, from producing to songwriting to even some hidden background vocals sprinkled in there—as GOLDEN, her pen name. suwan means gold in thai. there are fanmade compilations of her isolated vocals praising how smoothly they blended with mackey’s, joking how she’s the secret 6th member of ad. some thought her vocals were fernanda’s for a minute but was soon debunked from live performances. joked about how golden was the 6th member of ad, and… well, look how the turns have tabled! when the tracklist drops and they see GOLDEN in there? immediately certified bop <3

not only is she hella clumsy, she bruises so easily!! if a peach were a person truly. if she goes too hard at a party and wakes up the next day, she doesn't remember how these black and blue splotches suddenly appeared on her body. she trips up the stairs? walks into the sharp edge of the table? bam, you name it, she’s probably done it at least once. but she handles it with such grace to the point it doesn’t phase her anymore.

nana has an emotional support blanket, one she’s had since she was a wee lil baby. it’s very soft and is all kinds of tattered and frayed at the edges now but she doesn't have the heart to throw it out. she’s usually seen wrapped up like a burrito whenever she’s the studio or on the tour bus and gets a lot of unwarranted flack for it, she just wants to be comfy at all times 🥺

she can take on a more serious, almost authoritative persona when producing versus the stark contrast of her just… radiating when she’s on stage. miss girl has a magnetic, effortless stage presence and she’s just the rhythm guitarist! every now and then she tries not to outshine her new fellow bandmates—especially mackey—but a little spotlight never hurt nobody 🤭

[feignedhues]

Two friends— two best friends that had come to him at different points in his life and he never anticipated that they’d ever come together. It was something Blue should have taken with excitement, cherished over the sheer luck of having them both at once, but it was the circumstance that killed it. He had to balance the way he’d been the secret, and now the secret they held together. It was a reunion where everything he knew didn’t play a single role.

“There’s nothing to talk about.”

It couldn’t be real, that was the conclusion Blue could stomach. He’d been in the industry long enough to be able to taste the artificial coating sold. He’d just thought that as a product, he wouldn’t be indulging himself like the rest. He was wrong.

A huff of air cut the chuckle brought on by the fake smile as he moved away from the swarm of cameras, but he was still caught in Nana’s company. What could he say, if she didn’t know? Was it just Fionn’s play or were they both in on the stunt?

“Nana,” Blue looked at her, but dark hues fall back to the floor. She was up to do no wrong, and he could already feel himself sick again to hold it against her. To pin his sentiment on her still meant he had to take the needle and pierce her with it, and could he really her bleed like that? He didn’t want to blame her for what he should have buried with Fionn a long time ago. All he muster is a lie, one he should have said in front of the camera instead. “I’m not fine, but there’s nothing to be done about it. I’m just getting tired of having to hear about you and your boyfriend instead of the album and what we’re doing tonight. After a while, it gets old. Sorry.”

[mistyblossoms]

“don't give me that shit, blue.” says the other liar, tone flat. if it were up to nana, she would’ve let the band in on the truth the moment she stepped out of the meeting room it was created out of—but she was outnumbered. she didn't expect any less from the label to be so stringent about letting the lie slip through the cracks, but for fionn to agree with them? there had to be some serious stakes she wasn’t aware of, and nobody planned on letting her in on the secret within the secret, especially not the tiebreaker.

fine, she thought. go ahead, keep me out of the loop. but when this ends up in flames later down the line, don't pin the blame on me.

they're a good earshot away from the press when she stops to really look at him, pretending it's only them in the middle of this hallway to the venue. they’re still friends—best friends first and foremost before coworkers. he has no idea how much it hurts her to tiptoe around the truth on this big of a scale, but small moments like these make up for it when her “real” (whatever that means nowadays) self shines through behind the curtain.

"but you have a point. those people are only here to sell headlines, how many people they can trick with clickbait titles. smack a dumb thumbnail on top of it and boom, you’ve scraped the bottom of the barrel of social media. fuck it, i’m a hater to my core.” she walks a thin line between fact and fiction every day, and that line blurs the longer he spends in her presence. “if it makes you feel any better, i thought we didn't need an official announcement. everyone who doesn't live under a rock already knows, and you’re right—tonight's supposed to be about all of us, the music! hmph, leave it to management to go big or go home.”

her patience along with her curiosity runs thin as she starts to gauge a reaction. “speaking of us, and please be honest with me, are you absolutely sure you're okay with me and fionn… together? i know you said you’re tired of the dating talk and i understand completely, but hear me out,” releasing a deep breath, nana wastes no time waiting for an objection before diving headfirst, albeit reluctantly. “did you think we all haven’t noticed you avoiding fionn like the plague since he joined the band? rehearsals, in between recording sessions. when all of us are just out, you barely talk to him, let alone look at him. tonight’s the closest i’ve seen you both because i wanted my favorite boys by my side. what’s the matter with you two?”

[fvrnandas]

location : fernanda’s place availability : open

’ i don’t know, ’ fernanda said, shrugging her shoulders as she placed her favorite bowl of chips, hot dill pickle lays, onto the coffee table. she took a seat on the opposite side of the couch, brought her knees up to her chest, and reached over to grab a handful of chips. ’ ’ personally, I think I could be a successful dj, like calvin harris-level, ’ fern finished her thought with another shrug. ’ anyway… ’ she muttered with a chip in her mouth, ’ if we go on tour, do you think it’ll be a bus situation ? i don’t think that would work out so well… ’

[mistyblossoms]

“dj fefe has a nice ring to it. she could definitely headline coachella in a few years time,” she chuckles, grabbing a couple chips from the bowl. “my guess is depends how many cities we’re visiting. at least a tour bus seems more efficient than flying all the time,” nana shrugs. “remember when the swifties found out how much CO2 taylor’s private jet uses? the fact she takes it everywhere made it so much worse.”

[metamorphesque]

  — The Bourne Identity, The Last Shadow Puppets

[text ID: Glass-bottomed ego / It's still afloat but can't you see the / Cracks appearing in the base?]

[mistyblossoms]

@splayedwreckage​​ / location: karaoke bar in pick-random-city

afternoon daydream just finished yet another successful gig, and some of the members split off either to retire to the hotel or explore what kind of nightlife the city has to offer. post-concert adrenaline still at a high, nana chose to let spontaneity take over the evening, discovering a bar not too far down the street from the hotel. turns out tonight’s karaoke night, and nana couldn’t be more elated at the realization. fun atmosphere, delicious cocktails, not to mention the prettiest bartender—what’s the worst that can happen? well, a stranger, presumably a regular, offered to buy her a drink. when she refused, it didn't take long for the man to start relentlessly hitting on her. immense discomfort shot through her body as she released an exasperated sigh. what a vibe killer.

“my boyfriend should be back from the bathroom any minute now…” which was half true, executives thought the two newest members of a band becoming lovebirds would bring even more eyes to their already booming popularity. she didn’t even know if he was here. “we really need to head out—fi, there you are!” odd, she never saw him once throughout the whole night. but the moment fionn’s in her line of sight, she eagerly jumps to his side, an arm finding purchase around his waist and her free hand placed gingerly on his chest, head nudging toward the exit. “it's getting awfully late, love. it's about time we call it a night, don't you think?” if her lips set in a jut and puppy-eyed look is any indication, she needs to get the fuck away from this creep, stat.

[feignedhues]

open to: nana suwanarat | @mistyblossoms​ location: red carpet

He should have been excited— taking the sweet taste of adrenaline and the bitterness of anxiety to make the perfect mixture to get him through the night with little help. His nerves were always swallowed, but he wasn’t void of them. All of them had to be nervous at this point, and Blue was no exception. 

Yet, Blue wasn’t nervous. The prick and pull of his nerves wasn’t from the stress of saying the right thing or trying to pick out which voice in a swarm of camera flashes and yells to pay attention to. Tension pinned on every part of him came from the two people who stood the closest together. Every and any excuse brewed in his thoughts, claiming his focus to deter from the fact that Blue had simply turned a shade of green above all else. He’d fallen away to the background, moving along the carpet into the venue that seemed to get longer rather than shorter with every passing minute. Every time he thought he was ahead, he’d get stopped by a set of questions and they’d catch up. 

“Now, you know we gotta ask. What’s it like having a couple in the band, any fears of following suit of the greats?” The interviewer asked, keeping him in place long enough for at the very least Nana to get close. Attention was almost immediately darted towards her. “Oh, Nana! How are you? We were just asking about what it’s like to be dating within the band. So, what’s your take?”

Blue interjected to finish off the first question, remorse too weak to be felt. “It’s alright. We’re all friends, it’s bound to happen. But I mean, they’re not getting each other off— in front off us, that is, so it’s not weird. If anything, they’re just something pretty to look at.”

He could feel the knots in his stomach, and he swore that it was words that were acidic above all else. He knew the truth behind the facade they created, what feigned hues of the world stopping and submitting to the single palette of the other. There was a time where Blue had to take that same truth and hide it for Fionn’s sake. It had been their downfall, and what withered hadn’t been buried. It simply rotted until they both couldn’t handle the stench of it, and they pulled apart for good. No one knew, especially not Nana, and he couldn’t help the burn he felt watching someone else take the lie that ruined him and turn it into a pedestal. 

[mistyblossoms]

wherever nana looks, cameras flash in her direction, the sea of entitled photographers yelling her name. she always hated the paparazzi, or as she’d put it, legalized stalkers. they get paid to breach celebrities’ privacy to get that perfect shot, smack a fabricated story under it and call it a day. they’re simply waiting for her to paint her as the villain once more, to bare her teeth in front of the same people who captured her career shattering in an instant years prior.

the only thing stopping her is the man whose arm she’s clinging onto like a lifeline, her play pretend partner, fionn. tonight’s the red carpet debut of their little charade, and her nerves are beginning to fray the louder their names ring in her ears. it isn't until she notices no one is on her left that blue is wandering near the end of the carpet, occupied with the last interviewer. she unlinks arms for the first time that night as she catches up to him, catching the tail-end of the question directed at her.

taking media training since she was a teen has prepared her for these kinds of intrusive questions, but that doesn't mean she still isn't struck by the gall of some of these so-called first-rate journalists. alas, she greets them before responding, “first off, i think i can speak on behalf of fionn and me that we can’t be appreciative enough for all the love we’ve received lately. of course, dating can tread some murky waters, especially in this industry, but we’re all friends here, and the members have all been more than supportive,” she morphs her gaze to one of fondness at blue before darting back to the reporter. “besides, if anyone has any concerns, we can step aside and talk it out like the grown adults we are.” 

a candid, graceful answer that should have been left by itself. yet nothing could have prepared nana for blue’s sudden retort, unprovoked in every sense of the word, nearly lifting the veil of their ‘relationship’. way to save the best for last. before she can process what just came out of his mouth he’s already storming into the venue. nana leaves her bandmates behind as she follows behind him, a myriad of confusion and shock coloring her features.

“hey, blue… i know that was a loaded question just now, but where the hell did that come from? are you feeling okay, do you wanna talk about it?”

[mistyblossoms]

NANA SUWANARAT / AESTHETIC

[kittychicha]

KITTY CHICHA IN NICECNX - รักดี (MV)

[mistyblossoms]

feignedhues​:

Blue wanted to ask for more than five minutes, maybe even five days but he knew better than to entertain even the thought of it. The hum of excitement that hung around Afternoon Daydream should have been invigorating, but there was a small sense of guilt creeping in on him now for seemingly denying them of it so long ago. Blue continued to remind himself that this was a far better break than the one he turned down, but the feeling remained. He blamed it on the band’s expansion and how nostalgia for how things were had taken a small toll on him. Though, Blue knew if he mentioned to anyone that he was having trouble with change, they would call bullshit. What was it that they said to him, something about being a pisces and going with the flow? And so he kept it to himself, and the pen and paper in his hands.

“I’m here, I’m here,” He assured her, this time with more effort. He used a heavy sigh to clear his thoughts and land back into the room. “It’s just a hard song to work on when I’m not feeling… that way right now. I don’t have much input for what you want because I don’t really have anything on my end to convey right now, but whatever you want, Nana, I’ll do it. I trust you, clearly, because I gave up my one hour lunch break because I believed we could nail it in less time.”

despite how nana gained more independence and security over the years, the road she took to get there was challenging, to say the least. luckily she met people who proved to her that good things come to those who wait, one of them being blue. not to discredit her other colleagues in the industry, but he was the closest thing to family she had after her short-lived solo career turned to dust. a friend of a friend turned roommate turned bandmate, blue helped her in more ways than one could imagine. afternoon daydream is just an extension of that, and she doesn’t want to lose it. though, nana would be found dead before muttering a single word.

“what? nuh-uh, there's no way i’m letting you skip lunch for this! how about i order something for the both of us and we can work on this while we wait for it to arrive,” nana phrases it like a question, but her tone leaves no room for debate, already scrolling for possible options before the drummer could refuse. “are you feeling pizza? noodles?”

[mistyblossoms]

kalkalil​:

“No,” he smirks, “I got about a foot on Puth. Remember?” The band had only run into the singer-songwriter once and Puth’s security team had barely let them brush shoulders. That said, Kal had banged on for about a week at how deeply his neck hurt having to look alll that way down at the award winner.   It’s the same smirk now, bending halfway out his bunk to meet Nana’s gaze  “Go on, test me! I’m gonna rock your world.” He nods at the phone keyboard, looking every bit the dictionary definition of ‘cocky’ personified.  

“yeah, and you wouldn’t shut up about it,” as kal’s bunkmate, nana deals with the brunt of his many complaints right before she’s about to doze off. the yawn that escapes her is her cue to call it a day, but the giant below her has other plans. “how did your spiel go again—‘oh my poor neck’s bent, someone book me a massage asap! it hurts so much, woe is me.’” if anyone asks, her kal impersonation is spot on. hand on the forehead like a damsel in distress and everything. “okay, this one should be easy, so someone like you should get this right away. no cheating!” she taps the middle c on the keyboard, arguably the most important note on a piano. the bar is in hell.

[infvrno]

starter for @mistyblossoms​ location: AD’s tour bus, on the road

The worst part of being a touring band was easily the travel, or at least, the travel that required being stuck on a claustrophobia inducing bus for endless hours at a time. Kal went stir-crazy after two consecutive hours in one place and by hour eight he was searching for any and everything to distract himself.  Unfortunately, it seemed the rest of his band was preoccupied at the moment - everyone except for Nana.   So, sue him, he casts the bait.  “Narisa, did you know I have perfect pitch?”

[mistyblossoms]

the use of her full name doesn't fail to make nana squint her eyes at the bassist. all it took was an offhand comment in an interview how hearing narisa sounds foreign to her since everyone’s always called her nana, and kal seemed to take that as a challenge to annoy her about it as much as  possible. so it's only fair to be just as annoying, if not more so, right back at him. “yeah fuckin’ right. who are you, charlie puth?” she pulls up garageband on her phone before he has a chance to respond, her screen revealing black and white keys. “khalil, do you want to play a little game?”

[feignedhues]

open to: narisa “nana” suwanarat | @mistyblossoms​ location: recording studio

Blue didn’t remember when it started, but surely if he looked through the bottom drawer of his dresser, he could trace back through hundreds of letters to find the first. It had been a few years now and despite how much longer he’d been with those in Afternoon Daydream, he felt like the one he knew through handwritten notes and confessions knew him the best. There was a sense of dissociation with the person he wrote was more than an ocean away that allowed him to be as honest as he could. Maybe it was that the last time they’d seen each other in person was too long ago for him to remember, that he felt that the image he had of them was more his own idea than what they actually looked like. Either way, they had a single promise between the two— anything and everything they said they’d hold close to their chest, and never tell a soul. 

He hadn’t told anyone about his pen pal, though there was something about mail day that got Blue particularly excited enough for them to notice. He’d just gotten a response back, and it didn’t take long for him to turn away from the song he was making notes for his drumming to write back. It had been delayed for nearly a week, and he felt like he had so much to say and so little time to put it all down. Looking up from where he sat in the studio, he hadn’t realized his name had been called more than once. Even as Blue tried to pull himself away from the letter halfway out of his notebook, he couldn’t seem to bring himself back to the room. His focus was still glazed over, the only words on his tongue what he’d been interrupted in scribbling down. What finally came out was nothing more than a stammer, and he finally acknowledged the sounds pointed at him.

“So-Sorry, you were saying? I got the part about slowing down at the third verse, and the switch between the second and third line should be faster at the final chorus,” He repeated, but he knew those alterations were from minutes ago. “What else did you want me to change?”

[mistyblossoms]

so far, nana’s official redebut in afternoon daydream has been going off without a hitch. fans seem to be taking the news positively and it's bringing even more buzz to the band than ever. everyone’s curious how her addition will affect the band’s dynamic considering her previous experience with them as a producer for so long. besides a few quarrels with a couple certain somebodies, she at least has positive rapport with the rest of the members, including the drummer in front of her. but at the studio, business means business when she’s in charge, and his attention has since been long gone.  “look, if you’re gonna act like you haven't been drowning me out for the past ten minutes, you can at least do a better job,” she releases a drawn-out sigh, peering up from the monitor to her bandmate through the screen. “how about we take five minutes and come back to this later? seems like you need it.”

[fvrnandas]

location : studio after hours availability : for @mistyblossomssoms

at this point fernanda deserved her own pair of keys to the band's go to studio. she was almost constantly there , she was acquainted with every member of the staff , but most of all she was constantly bugging them to get access at the oddest hours of the day. she wasn't able to sleep so she texted the one person she knew would agree to her plans for the restless night. ' oh nana... ', fernanda softly sang before planting a small kiss on top of the other's head once they arrived to the door they met at so often. ' you're the only one who keeps me sane. seriously , thank you for coming out so late. ', she added as she opened the door , holding it open for the other before entering herself.

[mistyblossoms]

“you’re lucky i was out getting mcdonald’s before you texted. got a sudden craving and i asked the guys if they wanted anything, but no one responded,” nana shrugs, popping a fry in her mouth. she chalks it up to them either being asleep or ignoring her texts—too bad, sucks for them! handing the other the bag of food previously cradled in her arm, her hands fiddle in her pockets before finding her keys and opening the door. “and i got you your usual. but seriously, there's no need to thank me, fern.” there really isn't. denial won't change the fact that nana will find excuses to work even on her ‘days off’, the studio is practically her home away from home. “so you have an idea?”

[sweetmorninglamb]

i don’t forgive you (but please don’t hold me to it)

1. the front bottoms; father 2. shameless; the american dream 3. phoebe bridgers; kyoto 4. unknown 5. ocean vuong; someday i’ll love ocean vuong 6. domenico ghirlandaio; francesco sassetti and his son teodoro 7. mitski; a burning hill 8. unknown 9. halsey; i would leave me if i could 10. euphoria; the theater and its double

[theoptia]

Anaïs Nin, from Ladders to Fire; “Cities of the Interior”

Text ID: I’m insatiable, you know. I’ll ask you for the impossible.

[kittychicha]

KITTY CHICHA BEN BIZZY & LAZYLOXY - เพื่อนเธอโคตรได้