(n.) a nostalgic longing to be near again to someone or something that is distant, or that has been loved and then lost; âthe love that remainsâ
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The early morning sunlight, soft and diffuse, gave a way to the first strong rays of the day, the ones that bring true warmth. Spring came to bring a new chapter of life, the epitome of rebirth after the freezing cold of snow buried all of the warmth that the world had offered.
Outside the window, the white blanket of snow started to melted away. The evergreens and cherry blossoms scented the air with their new growth. In rain or shine, there is a new warmth, inviting the lips to smile.
He stood there in front of the mirror in his hotel room, wearing a magnificent gray suit with a white flower adorning his breast pocket. Spring came to bring a new hope in life, the start of something new after weeks full of wintry days.
The man in the mirror was a man with a face that was sculpted by the god. His gunmetal blue eyes beautify his perfect facade, completed by a pair of black eyebrows on top of it.
He smiled all of a sudden, trying to make everyone believe that it was a genuine smile. And after practising the same smile for years, he knew that it was enough, his acting was already perfect.
The chirping of the birds could be heard from where he stood. He opened up the window pane before, making sure the new air from the first day of spring could flow inside the room.
It was an adequate decision, choosing this time of year to hold such a powerful event. He took a deep breath, soaking as much energy from the air that he could gather. He needed it, he needed the hope to overcome today.
His phone vibrates continuously, resounding around the serene room. With a little sigh, he opened up his phone. A gentle smile graced his facade, immediately replacing the once emotionless one. It was genuine, not the one that he practised in front of the mirror before.
âHey,â His voice was so delicate, like he talked to someone that could break if his intonation was higher, âAre you alright?â
âArgh, the truth?â The voice on the other line penetrated his hearing, âI am scared, I donât want to mess everything up, Kaashi.â His name rolled from your tongue oh so smoothly.
âHey, calm down. Take a deep breath, follow me.â You were silent, synchronized your breath with the said man, âThatâs it, youâve done so well.â The gentle smile never left his lips, overjoyed with the fact that you called him, âBetter now?â
âYes, so much better.â Somehow, the man could see how your face calmed down in a matter of seconds, âThank you, Kaashi. I love you so much!â
His heart felt so lightweight when he heard the words. It made him feel at peace every time you said those words to him, like he was seated on the beach with ocean breeze, with you by his side.
âYou are welcome, you know I am always there for you,â He gulped as a daring thought wandering inside his mind for a split second, âAnd I love you too.â Always.
He looked at his phone, your name still adorning the screen until you hung up. There was something in his eyes if someone took a closer look. It was a plea, pleading the world to make you the happiest person alive in this world.
But there was something else too, coating his gunmetal blue eyes as he mindlessly scrolled through his phone gallery. He stopped his motion when he finally found the picture that he was longing for.
It was a picture of him and you, someday on the high school days. There was a culture festival going on, and you were there spending time together with him, running away a little after working hard preparing the show for your class.
His love for you was something that no one could understand. It was rare, a highest form of love, the form where he didnât even think about his own feelings. What mattered was your love, and you found it in someone else.
You found it inside someone named Bokuto Koutarou, his upperclassmen, his best friend that he adored so much. Someone that somehow caught your heart in a matter of a second.
And he couldnât forget it, that one time after a practice match. The first time you laid your eyes on the dual coloured hair man like he was the sun that shone your life, never once dimmed.
âAkaashi!â He flinched, hearing his name being called by the ace. Today, the upperclassmen seemed to be more hampered than any other day.
âYes, Bokuto-san?â The black haired setter was just done gulping away some water into his mouth, âDo you need help?â
âWhat do you think about love?â He blinked, never once expected the heavy question to come out from the ace, âDamn it, Akaashi! I think I am in love!â
Right now, Akaashi just wanted to chuckle. Love was something that you couldnât possibly realise in a split second. It was something that grew somewhere along the way as you started to become acquainted with someone.
At least, that was love in his eyes,
âOh?â He put the bottled waters down on the bench, focusing himself on the pouting upperclassmen, âWho is it?â He knew better if he didnât pay attention to Bokuto, the rest of the practise would be a nightmare.
âI donât know her name yet!â For someone who had a short circuit inside his head, the dual-coloured hair somehow looked so excited for the chance of love, âBut I will tell you who it was if I ever saw her again!â
The setter nodded, right now, he was wondering about the girl, or boy, that could possibly have caught the attention of Bokuto Koutarou. For two whole years befriending the adolescent owl, he never thought he could see him being interested with anything other than meat or volleyball.
âBokuto-san!â The black haired setter called out to the ace, notifying him that he was going to toss the ball towards him. With a wide smile plastered on his face, the ace jumped so high, a sight that the setter was always proud to see.
Of course, with how powerful Bokuto was, the ball hit the opponentâs court with ease. A wide smile plastered on his face, golden eyes lit up immediately when he realised he made a score.
âHEY HEY HEY!!!â The ace screamed out, âYou see that, Akaashi?! I could-â But he stopped, his golden eyes that were once looked at the setter, were now focused on something behind his underclassmen.
Or rather, it was someone, someone that caught his eyes when he first laid eyes on them. Akaashi could see the adoration and awe in the golden orbs, and he smiled, knowing for sure that the one Bokuto was talking about before, must have stood on the gymnasium.
So he turned his head, ready to tell the upperclassmen the name of the person since he knew a lot of names in this school. But the sight in front of him right now was something that he never expected to.
You were standing there with your bag in your shoulder and his book on your hand. Akaashi expected you to look at him by now, but instead, your eyes were focused on someone else.
Your beautiful eyes fixated on someone that shone the brightest in the room. The ace of the team, Bokuto Koutarou. As your heart fluttered with awe, Akaashiâs heart crumbled when he realised what was happening right now.
His best friend that he loves since the first year of high school, setting her heart for someone none other than the upperclassmen that he really cared for too. Someone that apparently, also had his eyes on you.
Thereâs a sudden knock on the door, and it was enough to take him back to the presence. His eyes gazing towards the clock that was hanging on the wall, telling him that it was time.
He walked again in front of the mirror, checking his whole appearance once again, wanting to be perfect on this perfect day. When he was sure, he strode towards the door, opening it up to see none other than the happiest man alive today.
Bokuto stood with nervousness radiated from his whole body. Both of his hands were pocketed on his grey suit. He used to feel moody, down, happy, sad, but nervous was something that rarely occurs in his life.
But of course, behind all of his antics, he was just a normal human being after all,
âAre you alright, Bokuto-san?â Akaashiâs voice rang through the empty hallway, making the poor man jolted, âWedding jitters?â
âNo!â The dual-coloured hair man half-shouted, âI am just a little bit nervous, Akaashi.â He pouted, but it quickly changed as his mind was set on something, âWhen else you could have your first love as your wife, right?â
Huge grin plastered on his best friendâs face, making the black haired man smile with how happy the volleyball player looked right now. Truthfully, the rhetorical questions hit the sore spot in his heart, knowing for sure that he would never do the same.
Because the first woman that he loves, would bear his best friendâs last name at the end of the day.
The two men walked side by side, exiting the main building of the five-star hotel they were in. As they walked, the breezy wind greeted them with a gentle motion, making the volleyball player giggled as he tried to save his styled hair.
It was always your dream, to have a wedding on the first day of spring. You always said that it was the best time of the year. Since it felt like you have been through all the obstacles together as the winter passed, and spring turns out to be the new chapter where hope and love filled the air.
They finally arrived at the venue, and he widened his eyes a little to see how beautiful the theme that you choose with your fiance. It was a Lord of the Rings sort of a wedding in a natural woodland setting. Where you wanted your love to honour what the deity has given rather than the world of money and bling.
âDo I look good?â Once again, the groom was nervous and afraid that he would mess up everything, âAh, I wish (Y/n) could calm me down. She must be acting so cool like she always did!â
Akaashi chuckled a little, remembered how you called him around half an hour ago. You were rambling about how nervous you are, afraid that you would mess up, even later his phone still vibrates with all of your worry.
âTrust me, Bokuto-san.â His calloused hand fell to the shoulder of the groom, the man who would have you in his life, âShe was nervous too.â
No matter how calmed you look outside, you were someone that was always worried about what other people think about you. And Akaashi was always there to reassure you that everything would turn out alright.
But no matter how long he stayed for you, no matter how many times he held you in his embrace to calm you down, no matter how much love that he poured just for you,
He would never be the last destination in your life.
Since he saw how you looked at the volleyballâs team captain, he knew he would do anything to never make you lose the spark. The fact that the captain himself was interested in you, made his plan so much easier.
Akaashi was the one who introduced you with the captain. It was painful to see how the two of you met for the first time officially. Both of you were speechless, gawking at each other as no words could explain the fiery feelings inside your heart.
Akaashi was the one who planned your first date, telling his upperclassmen about what you love and what you hate. It was easy since now the ace has successfully erased all of his awkwardness around you.
Akaashi was the one who pushed Bokuto to ask you to be his girlfriend, telling him that what Bokutoâs feeling was a lot more than just a mere crush. Because somehow, Akaashi could find a glimpse of him inside the ace.
Everything, Akaashi Keiji was the one who made sure that you would live happily ever after with the man that you love so much.
No matter how many times he had to endure the pain in his heart, he would always ended up prioritising your own happiness, all above his.
He was the one who loves you, knowing you like the back of his hand, caring for you for god knows how long.
But he was just the best friend. Nothing less, and nothing more.
âAkaashi!â It was the day, the day when his best friend proposed to you, âThank you so much for all of the help that you gave to me.â The voice of his ex-captain was calm at the moment, âI am sure I would never call her mine if you were not in my life.â
Trust me, Bokuto-san. If itâs not because of the fact that he loves you, I will be the one who called her as mine.
âItâs nothing, Bokuto-san.â He let out a long sigh, trying to compose himself, âSo, she said yes?â
âYeah,â And when he realised he didnât even shed a tear, he knew for sure that his heart was already frozen at the moment, âI wouldnât get this far without you, you know.â
âItâs nothing, Bokuto-san.â It was everything, âI am glad I could be a good help,â Just please, treat her right.
Right now, he wanted to scream out. His mind was filled with the memories that you made with him. He remembered everything that you ever said, every single syllable that came out from your lips, imprinted at the back of his mind.
You said you always wanted his company, saying that he always made you calm. You said you were long for his blunt but yet entertaining thought, saying that it was his best trait. You said you missed him every time he was away for too long, saying that you couldnât be too far without your best friend.
You even said that you loved him,
But itâs not the same love that he harbors towards you.
âThen, I promise I wouldnât ask for more, butâŚâ Somewhere inside his heart, he knew he couldnât cope with the feelings anymore, âI canât do this without you, Akaashi,â But no matter how hard he tried to be away from you, itâs just not possible, âWould you be my best man on our wedding day?â
He knew he had to say no, or the possibilities for him to break down in front of everyone would become a reality. Akaashi knew well when his heart should take a rest. But even after all this time, maybe, just maybe, he could endure it one last time,
âThat would be my pleasure, Bokuto-san.â
And here he was right now, standing near his best friend who was now giddy with the fact you would stride down to the altar in a matter of seconds. He questioned himself at the moment, feeling like a masochist with how much hurt he had to endure just to see you perfectly happy with the man that you loved so much.
It was silent all of a sudden, everyone stood up, turning their heads a little to the bride who finally appeared at the venue. To say that his heart wouldnât stop for a second there would be a lie.
You looked so majestic with the wedding dress wrapped perfectly to compliment your figure. He remembered how you said you didnât like your body type sometimes, but he would say it to you numerous times, that you were just perfect.
The pianist started to play the classic wedding songs, accompanying you as you walked down the aisle. His gunmetal blue eyes were focused on your figure who was now teared up as you looked towards his direction.
But itâs not him where you laid your gaze to.
The smile that was now radiated from your face, the tears that started to brimmed at the corner of your eyes, it was not delivered for him. All of them were for the man that stood proudly with cheeks already filled with tears, the Bokuto Koutarou, the sun in your life.
As your father gave your hand to your soon to be husband, he almost extended his hand, mind clouded with delusion as he wanted to be the one who held your hand on the aisle.
Everythingâs unfolded in front of him like a blur. He tried to distract himself, focused on something else, anything but not at the couple who was now sharing their wedding vows.
As his eyes scanned the scene in front of him, somehow his heart ache a little bit more. He fell once again towards the idea of him to be the groom, the one person who would love you forever.
Spring has always become your favourite season out of all four. And as he heard your reasons every year, he started to feel the same, loving the seasons who screamed hope and prosperity. The start of the new journey, together.
His eyes looking at the two people that he always had a soft spot for. One was his best friend, the one person that he cared and adored since junior high. One other, was his first love, the one person that he knew would always love.
âIf you were given the chance to change your past, would you take it?â Your voice rang as the two of you waited for the second set of Bokutoâs match. He was perplexed, didnât know the answer to the question. You eyed him, wondering what was inside your best friendâs mind at the moment, âYou donât have to answer that today.â
âI wouldnât take it.â You were now the one who was confused, making you pull yourself from his embrace. When the ceremony was done, you immediately tackled him, happy to see the man who gave so much impact in your life.
âWhat?â He chuckled at how comical your face looked right now, âKaashi, I am serious, what do you mean?â
His eyes bore into yours, longingly looked at the only woman who owned his heart. The woman that was now taken, to be loved and cherished by someone else, a man that he hoped would love you forever.
âI answered your question from that one time,â You raised one of your eyebrows, still couldnât grasp what he meant, âIf I was given the chance to change my pastâŚâ He almost chuckled once again when your eyes lit up like a kid, âI wouldnât take it.â
âAnd why is that?â Your eyes were now filled with curiosity, âYou really have no regret? Thereâs nothing, absolutely nothing that you want to change?â
âYes,â He gulped, scanning your whole figure until his gaze fell on your left hand, âI am glad to have you in my life,â Even if itâs meant that I would forever be your best friend, âAnd yeah, that one reason was enough for me not to take that chances.â
You put your hand on in front of your mouth, trying to suppress as many tears that started to brimmed at the corner of your eyes. And Akaashi Keiji once again slapped by the reality that you would never be his once he saw the rose gold wedding ring, fitted perfectly on your finger.
He hoped the first day of spring didnât just become the start of your journey together with your husband. As today, he woke up with hope that maybe, the universe would spare his heart, erasing the love that he had towards you, just to live a life without the immense pain that he must go through every single day.
But apparently, thatâs not how this life works. Even after all these years,
âHey hey hey! What is this?â Your husband suddenly appeared, circling his arms around your waist, hugging you from behind, âWhy are you crying?!â He was frantic, afraid that you were in pain or something.
âI-I am okay, Kou.â You pecked his lips, trying to calm him down, âKaashiâs here just being a softie to me~!â
âAh! I see you crying too, Akaashi!â Bokuto stated, making the black haired man blushed when his best friend exposed him, âYou were crying when we shared our wedding kiss~! Such a softie indeed!â
âWhat?!â You laughed, couldnât believe that you didnât see him when he shed his tears, âReally?! Oh my god, aww.â You were touched, feeling loved by a lot of people at once, âWhat is it that made you cry, Kaashi?â
The fact that I would never feel your love.
âUhm, it was nothing, really.â
I could only pray for you to be happy with him.
âI am just happy to see how perfect you are for each other.â
So, please. Donât make me go through another lie anymore.
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