repentance
Give us clean hands Give us pure hearts Let us not give our hearts to another
When I finally headed to bed at 4am last night after binge-watching 1.5 seasons of Downton Abbey on fast forward, I fell asleep thinking about indulgence and what motivates it.Ā As I was having my breakfast this morning, that was the song I craved.
I am being awoken to the necessity and constancy that repentance should take place but there is an uncomfortable and nagging feeling in my heart. Partially, I am mad about all those wasted hours engaging in pointless activities which does not strengthen my discipleship. Mostly, I am disappointed at myself for the hurdles I create in my mind, stunting and hindering all the repenting and growing that could have done.Ā
There is a very long list of things I need to repent for, but today these are the most salient in my mind: Slothfulness Gluttony Self-centredness (idolatry of self?)
The solution is probably to pray more habitually. This way, I can repent more habitually too. I also think itās important to name each thing I wish to repent for, rather than usingĀ a blanket (and quite robotic, to be frank) statement ofĀ penitence.
It has been ~5 years since I formally accepted Christ and ~17 years since I first appreciated Godās presence in my life. While this is not linear nor should it be conveniently measurable, my spiritual maturity brings to mind the phrase en retard. Ives recently reminded me that a big move will be a great time to instill new habits and I am determined to prioritize time for prayer and discipleship, at least if not more than the extent to which time is prioritized for work.Ā
***
The good things that have come of a series of indulgence = precious realizations:
There is no doubt that the enemy would prefer that I waste my life away on unwholesome and useless endeavours. In doing so, I will not make time to love God with all my heart, soul, mind, and strength.Ā
There are endless ways to indulge...to the point of guilt. As I know too well, when I try to compensate for that guilt, it often spirals into a vicious cycle (since I was 16 I might add). I realized by indulging myself, I do not actually love myself. Another interesting realization is that It is guilt and not shame that first comes to mind because I have not learned to fully love myself either. This lack of self-love, self-care, and self-respect explains all too well many of the little decisions I have made, decisions that have stealthily pieced themselves together into a weapon over the years. Since you cannot give what you do not have, this explains why I am incompetent at showing others love as well.
I have started to wonder if I continuously engage in mindless and distracting activities in order to avoid having silence and time to think. It is as though I were afraid of my thoughts. A ridiculous hypothesis at first mention but upon deeper consideration, I am reminded of the frequency that I rebuke myself when I am alone with my thoughts. Maybe this has trained my heart to be weary of my thoughts then. How shameful because I live as if I am without Grace. How inane because it is a gift that has already been given, at great, tremendous cost. (Note to self: notice the tone of self-rebuke absolutely oozing from that sentence!) Because we have Grace, we are liberated. I truly want to be freed from self-centredness and therefore have to start living with the knowledge that God has gifted this wonderful beautiful present that I have the freedom to use and draw from whenever I need to.
Next steps: - pray more habitually - pray about living with Grace - repent more habitually