happy halloween! (and birthday, i guess)
i know you didn’t think i forgot today, right? actually.. i know you did. you’re probably already in bed (your bed, because you’re too mad to sleep in mine) with your Do Not Disturb settings on and my phone number deleted off of your contact list. which i don’t understand because.. when i text you, you still know it’s me. i know you know it’s me. because i don’t even know my phone number, but you do?? which makes me wonder.... how did you memorize my phone number???? anyway, back to the main point of this message.
happy halloween, minam! i love you unconditionally and i’ll love you unconditionally for as long as i live, and i can swear that to you. i know we’ve spent a few halloweens together in the past, but this one is.. undoubtedly different. it’s special... and it’s special because we’re in love -- which i can’t begin to thank you enough for, really. i’ve had feelings for you for as long as i can remember, but i always shoved them aside for a bunch of reasons. i’m not sure what was any different about this summer -- why i didn’t try to ignore them, i mean, but i’m glad i didn’t. i’m actually really, really fucking glad i didn’t, because loving you has made me a better person.. and i hope you like loving me, too. i like to think that you like loving me. if not, then.. you do a really good job at pretending that you do!! let’s make sure to add “acting” under your list of specialties on your wiki page later!! :D
i’m getting carried away in my stupid jokes, and this wasn’t the original intention of this letter. so i’m gonna get back on track. okay, so.. i’m sitting at the park under this really dim streetlight listening to every song that reminds me of you (which is basically almost every song i’ve ever loved) ((was that too cheesy??)) and i really, really wish you were here. but at the same time, i kind of don’t.. only because i can’t focus when you’re around. you distract me without even trying. and i know we would just end up making out in the jungle gym or something, and as great as that sounds.. i need to be productive!! and i need to get better at doing things without you. it’s weird.. it’s like.. you’re not around and something feels like it’s missing. it really, really feels that way every single time. like a part of me isn’t really with me. it’s so frustrating!! because i find myself constantly reaching for somebody that isn’t there. and i’m usually never like this, but.. shit, this sounds pathetic. am i being pathetic??? i probably am. i’m not sure if i care at this point, and that probably makes me even more pathetic. but.. i think sometimes you need to know that i’m this in love with you. i think you forget a lot of the time, and that’s probably my own fault. i’m sorry.
but this is me right now, telling you that i love you. and that i know i’ll always love you, and that i’ve got a lot planned for us and i really hope that doesn’t sound weird. i know i’m young and i’m supposed to be having fun at my age, but i don’t want that. all my friends think it’s boring to be with your first love forever, but.. that’s exactly what i want. and it’s not boring to me. you aren’t boring -- we aren’t boring. i want to feel this forever and i know i could never feel it with anybody else. so if that means having to risk some “fun” for the rest of my life, then so be it. and now that i think of it, that might be where my dad got it all wrong. he got too caught up in having fun and he lost the best thing that’s ever happened to him as a result. god, what an asshole. the guy’s really an idiot, huh?? i don’t wanna be like him. i don’t think i’ll be like him. you know, i was actually really horrified of ending up just like him, but after we started dating, that all kinda went away. i just have this really good feeling that you’re gonna keep me on the right path, and i really appreciate that about you. have i mentioned that i love you?
well, i’m gonna say it again. i love you -- unconditionally, for as long as i live. and i’ll never get tired of saying that. and i’ll never get tired of you. because you’re the best person i know and we’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me. i notice you get really upset at yourself sometimes and i never say anything because i know you like your space, but.. i notice it. and i wish there was something i could do to make you realize that you’re a blessing to everybody you know. and i’m not the only person who thinks so (i’m sure minjae does too) ((SORRY... SORRY)). but really. i can’t even begin to tell you the amount of times you’ve made everything stop spinning for me, and the amount of times you’ve given me a reason to just pull through when times are hard, and the amount of times your smile’s been enough to make my heart sink and make my head feel like it’s in the clouds all day. and i hate you for that. but in a good way. i love you so much that it makes me hate you. please don’t ever change. and your boxy smile isn’t freaky, it’s actually my favorite.
so i guess this is where i stop rambling?? i’m sorry i got sidetracked so often and that i said so much..... i really had no intention of having this get THIS long.. it just happened. and i’m sorry!!!!! i love you. i hope this next year is the best year of your life.
oh, also.. some of our friends have been saying they really think we’re gonna be together forever. what do you think of that?? forever’s a really long time!! but i think we can do it. i really do. enough to promise that i’ll be yours forever.
i love you, minam. thanks for loving me, too. happy birthday, you goof.
