maybe ready to come back. but i have some things i need to get off my chest. nothing about tumblr, just shit in my personal life and i need to share.
i have been very very depressed for over 10 years now. every friend i had in person up and left for various reasons. either drifting apart, or crashing and burning the friendship until not even the ashes could be salvaged. to this day i still don't know what happened or even if i had a chance of fixing things.
but that kind of shit eats at you, and it eats away at your very core until there's nothing left. i bounced around here and there, trying to find a sense of community, but even online bonds were fickle and shaky at best.
it's been excellent here. the problem is, as a result of all the shit going sideways in my irl life, i tend to take things a lot more personally online than i know i should. every time something even goes slightly haywire, it fucks with my head and i end up having anxiety/panic attacks, and then my boyfriend gets concerned/angry because i'm curled up in a ball sobbing over "online friendships" and it's just a neverending cycle.
my communication sucks. my guilt over not being here sucks. i figured if i took a break, i'd be able to step back and clear my head some, try to actually separate myself from tumblr and focus on other things. and i did.
i found some form of faith. i won't get into detail over it, but it's providing a comfort i didn't know i needed for so many years. i just needed SOME kind of outlet to turn to, and it's helping me little by little. the past month has been a test of my patience too. my boyfriend got covid, i reconnected with my younger sister, and things are still rocky at home, but slowly becoming a little more stable for me.
all in all, i actually, genuinely feel like i could be some level of okay, for the first time in many years. not pretending, not a glimpse or a fleeting moment of happiness, but a genuine sense of okay that is long overdue.
i don't feel like i've outwardly changed. i still feel like me, just with a newfound sense of happiness. all that said though, the hiatus and break was long overdue. THANK YOU for letting me figure myself out once and for all. the break without the overwhelming guilt definitely helped me out, and because of that, i feel ready to come back.
i'm not going to jump headfirst into things, because i still am and will be addicted to tf2 for some time to come (if you want to play it with me, message me. they finally got rid of the bot infestation), and i am making it a POINT to spend more time with my boyfriend and reconnecting with him. it's something we both needed.