Modern Lonlinezz

Basically Brain Puke in the way of Poetry, Prose, Words, & Thoughts

[modernlonlinezz]

You fucked me for 2 minutes

Then told me I had to leave

Once upon a time you were kind

I don’t know where you went

While I cried

You told our coworkers what you did

As if it was something you were proud of

[modernlonlinezz]

It’s all one big fucked up balancing act rigged from the start

My lifestyle feels so unrelatable. My job is unrelatable and this unrelatebility I fear feeds right into my isolative tendencies. It’s sad and really lonely at times and that’s okay except it it’s also very triggering. The feelings of loneliness and being misunderstood have been two very real struggles in my life. Trauma and past experiences have made those two feelings major triggers for me. Have I chosen unrelatable work as a form of Self sabotage? Choosing jobs and a lifestyle that fits right into this belief system that I don’t deserve belonging or to fit in? What a thought that subconsciously my brain could be making actions that lead me to directly act in ways that bring me down. I’ve been so used to not fitting in and belonging that when I have an opportunity i sabotage it because it’s new and scary and not what we’re used to? How toxic is that. The thing I crave the most is the thing my brain actively sabotages because of a long time belief system and experiences of not belonging or feeling worthy of love. The questions what’s wrong with me ? What the fuck am i even doing? Start to circle back around and it’s back to square one. Why is this a constant in my life. I’ve worked so incredibly hard for everything I have and suffered deeply along the way. I’ve actually got to a point where my goals and dreams are completely reachable and attainable yet I still hold myself back in so many other ways. I stand in my way and myself alone. Why? Why can’t I just believe that I deserve belonging and love and good things to come my way? Would that be so bad? It would be different and scary but healthy and entirely powerful at the same time. For the first time a couple weeks ago I felt a shift. I was thanked for my service and the work that I do by a lady who doesnt fully know me and instead of feeling uncomfortable at the sight of a compliment coming my way I actually felt good. I felt acknowledged and seen. It felt new and I cried about it for a while but it felt so good to feel seen and acknowledged. And by someone who hardly even knew me I thought to myself how sad is it that can she acknowledge and see me when I barely acknowledge and see myself. I hide myself from myself. i let accomplishments go so far past unnoticed. I achieve something big, small or major and move on so fast I can barely catch my breath. It’s as if it never happened and I’m beating myself up for not being so much further ahead.

[modernlonlinezz]

Picking up the pieces of my own mess

Fading away like the memories of fleeting happiness I seem to have once had laying on the floor, its comfortable here. Staring up at this fan that won’t stop spinning words around and around and around. laying in this now jumbled mess of thoughts and words flying around I contemplate what I’m doing with my life, if I’m doing anything at all. Getting up off the ground is too big a task to handle at this time. Please come back later. Or don't come back at all.

[modernlonlinezz]

2018

Have you ever been so drunk on despear you roared at the streetlights in the darkness of the deep night. Crazed and burdened with the horrors of yesterdays past. The crooked wink of an eye the humming of my fried brain. High on L while the rest of the world passes by watching with amusement. Angels and Demons dancing in the streets by night and weeping in the puddles of love by day, floating around hopelessly. 50 maybe 60 men I have slept with who has the time to look back and remember all those mindless lonely fucks they've had.

[modernlonlinezz]

Ramblings from a hysterically crying voice recording at work February 7th 2021

Crying in my cat at night lifes really hard right nowI don't know what I'm doing Why am I not enough for myself I really should be  I've done alot of good things I chase my dreams  I eat my greens I'm healthy I'm alive Somethings just not enough i sit in my cat alone at night I got on runs to escape my thoughts they always catch up Im not drowning in my sorrows but i’m drowning in my tears If they didn’t evaporate I'd be living in a fishbowl of my own salty tears Everyday is really hard But i get up and do it anyways Why is it so fucking hard Sitting in my cat crying at night I do something to be proud of                                                                                   I move onto the next before I even realize it and beat myself up for not being there yet i really want this job how am i supposed to wait 3 weeks to be rejected? or maybe be accepted  its fucking torture I don't know what to do with myself with my fucking life i want connection its been a fucking year i still think about you all the time do you even think about me you moved on so quick I couldn't even catch my breath you were there and then you weren't what the fuck? life is really hard right now im crying in my cat sitting in a big machine and im crying like a little girl why am i not enough for myself? thats always been the fucking question hasn't it? I always do good things i always try i always work hard but it never is enough for my goddamn fucking self its fucking hard sometimes and all i fucking do is cry i go on runs to escape my thoughts they always catch up there quicker than I thought i  throw myself into my work to give myself something to be proud of but now im doing a new job, learning a new skill, and its fucking hard im not good at it and its fucking hard i like being good at things i feel good about myself i miss my fucking friends i miss my fucking life crying in my cat at night my lifes so fucking sad its really not though i have so many amazing people that have my back why is it not enough for myself i think about you all the time do you still think of me?   you moved on so quick                                                                               carried on your life is happy she drives a big truck shes got tattoos shes got a barbershop man she's happy too i don't even have Franklin crying in my cat at night life is really hard thinking, thinking theres something wrong with me i usually cover it with humor and joke about it too but its really hitting me hard today wheres my punching bag I need to hit something fucking hard today not drowning in the booze not drowning in my sorrows  drowning in my own fucking tears and horrors sitting in my cat at night                                                                                            i cry and cry  and cry life is really hard right now

[modernlonlinezz]

Where am I going ?

Headed down a long road into isolation? 

Maybe?

Probably. 

Not wanting to make the effort. Judging people Because why? With some people there's no need for effort, it’s just magically there. No need to try and try because you’ve already got it? Not individually but together. The two way street is already paved in both brains and was just waiting for you to walk it? Maybe. Then why the judging why do I get to decide if I think someone is worth getting to know. And how do I get to decide this? How does something in may brain magically look and exchange a few words with someone and decide either No you’re not it or Yeah I wanna know you. How does a decision like this even get made??? So here I go within down a path of mild isolation. A path that may cause temporary insanity. A path that either makes some sense or makes no sense at all. 

[modernlonlinezz]

Waiting for you.

I long for you For your love For your touch For your beauty  I long for you to see me To find me To rescue me? To love me To accept me You who does not exist  You who does not know I exist  I wait for you Day and night  Night and day Dreaming of what could be You and me  You and me I wait for you.

[modernlonlinezz]

iFight

I fight for the life I live every single day I fight to smile I fight to not self sabotage I fight to be happy I fight for my dreams  I fight for the jobs I have  I fight to be alive every damn day I fight for my fucking sanity I fight to push through the pain I fight to take care of myself daily I fight  I fight  I fight  I fight for my fucking life.

[modernlonlinezz]

Some days

Somedays are great  Somedays I feel so ugly I just want to hide in my sheets all day Somedays I pretend I hate myself  Somedays I pretend I am okay  Somedays I have to tell myself is all going to be okay Somedays are mediocre Somedays Its the best day off my life Somedays I just want to yell and scream at the world around me Somedays I am so stuck in my head I forget how to breathe Somedays feel happy Somedays I  feel really really sad Somedays I get stuck on the floor and can't move for a couple hours Somedays all I do is cry  Somedays I have nothing figured out  Somedays I know exactly what I’m doing  Somedays everything seems to be falling apart  Somedays I want to crawl into a cave of depression and hide there forever  Somedays the sun hurts my eyes Somedays I can’t tell which way is up or down

[modernlonlinezz]

Closure

Why did you tell our coworkers you fucked me then had me leave? Do you feel good about that ? I don’t You make me wanna cry Over and over and over again But also I cried so hard when you told me you wanted to sleep alone. Is this because I told you I didn’t want a cuddle once when I was high on L ? I was fucking high on L I liked you “ I adore you much more platonically” Then why did you fuck me? You know I have feelings right? I have hand tatts but I still cry Cry about you “Thanks for reaching out!” Get bent baby. I’m gonna go dance on a bar table with my best friend and laugh at you from above.

[modernlonlinezz]

Birthdays for what?

My birthday is in a week I want to crawl into a hole and hide From this wild world around me Find a nice little crack in the sidewalk and squeeze right into it Soak in a bath of depression and anxiety Eat my feelings and drown in my tears Wear earplugs for 4 days straight and tune out everything and everyone around me Blow out my cake candles so I can sit in the dark and cry in comfort Lie on my floor for 2 hours in a crippling panic where I cannot find a way to move Cry cry cry maybe even cry some more Cry until there’s no more tears to cry

[modernlonlinezz]

New Bike New Life?

I just bought a 2006 Honda rebel 

a sexy black bike 

250 cc

And she's gonna be the best thing between my thighs in 2022

Easily 

Why ride a man when I can ride a bike?

[modernlonlinezz]

one week too much

Monday -

 Dancing late at night to forget the purposelessness my life has failed to find

Tuesday - 

Falling asleep to the horrors of dreams that play out everything i need in my sick twisted branch of a mind

Wednesday- 

Stuck in the shower of shame hoping to cry all the pain of existing away

Thursday -

Attempting to outrun my mind gone wild, i put on my running shoes and blast music music music in my ears to drown out any thought that tries to sneak its way in

Friday-

Drowning in my bowl of packet soup trying desperately to grab onto the spoon and pull myself up

Saturday- 

Wakes up late with nothing better to do than fall back asleep into the world of scattered thoughts and pavement cracks in my skull

Sunday- 

At this point in the never ending week system my brain is a fried egg on the pan left for 5 minutes too long on high heat

[modernlonlinezz]

Richard Will You Marry Me?

RICHARD WILL YOU MARRY ME?

Gosh you had me staring at you nearly drooling hanging onto each word,every sentence that you spoke; was utterly gorgeous. Richard will you marry me? I barely know you and i'm not even sure if I believe in marriage but here I am asking anyways. From the moment you knew who Shane McConkey was From all the way across the globe I was astonished. You continued to blow my mind the further I spoke to you and the more I heard you speak to others. I don't have a clue where you are right now or what you're doing but I'd like to take you on a date. I'd like to send you a message in a bottle that you find on some secluded beach and smile when you read it. I think about you from time to time but you don't occupy my mind incessantly. you come up as a beautiful memory a distant fairytale that never happened. we would probably get divorced but Richard will you Marry me? I know you've thought about me and that's hardly a guess I have a little birdy who let me in on a little drunken conversation you had that involved me. I smiled when I heard about that. Fuck, Richard will you marry me? Lets go stargazing at the bombala look out and stay up far too late. I'm a madman for writing this but hey richard why don't you just marry me? You were my christmas root far too long ago and have more likely forgotten all about me. But hey do you wanna go ride horses in Tumbarumba with me?