listlessness and dissatisfaction

a journal for things so insignificant that i won't put them in my actual journal; THIS BLOG IS UNTAGGED, UNCENSORED, AND MAY CONTAIN TRIGGERING CONTENT

[mon-ennui]

me: counts calories obsessively, distressed if i go over 700, body checks 24/7, constantly cold, constantly thinking about food, constantly thinking about my weight

me: nooo i dont have an ED aha

[mon-ennui]

why arent things getting better why are they getting worse why why why

[mon-ennui]

i change myself for everyone i meet because ive never been enough. nobody ever likes me for me and i had to learn that early

ill be your chameleon, your mirror, you'll love me because i remind you of you and everyone else you love and hate me because i remind you of you and everyone else you hate and then you'll forget me and move on and ill move on to my next reflection

[mon-ennui]

i deserve love. fuck. i deserve love. i deserve love

i know im lying to myself but if i say it enough times maybe ill start to believe it

i deserve love i deserve love i deserve love i deserve love i deserve love

[mon-ennui]

costar stop feeding my delusions challenge

[mon-ennui]

im so tired. god im so tired. how is it so easy for everyone around me to find love how do some of my friends find multiple people that love them at once how how how

there has to be something wrong with me, ill never know what it feels like to be loved never never never never

[samsketchbook]

How to Decay Gracefully (ink redux)

[pansylair]

YOU FORGET HOW TO CRY AND HOLD IT DEEP IN YOUR CHEST 

[demiiwhiffin]

leave (get out) // jojo

[mon-ennui]

i need to die. im a worthless fucking failure and i need to die. id kill myself but im not even worth the effort

i wish i was dead

[luthienne]

“You freeze up in childhood, you go numb, because you cannot change your circumstances and to recognize, name, and feel the emotions and their cruel causes would be unbearable, and so you wait.”

— Rebecca Solnit, from The Faraway Nearby

[mon-ennui]

i just want to die i wanna die i wanna die i wanna die i wanna die i wanna die ill never get better i wanna die

[mon-ennui]

IT HURTS SO FUCKING BAD

[jeangenet]

please ask me if im okay. god please. please. someone ask me if im okay. why does nobody ever ask me if im okay. please please someone anyone ask me if im okay so i can lie to you instead of myself. please wont someone ask me if im okay

[lungslit]

[pathologising]

[mon-ennui]

ill never be happy ill never have anything because i dont deserve it i never will

my youth was over before it began