Worked on this girl for 9 months. Now this new music video comes out and sheās immensely popular, arguably one of the most popular characters in the LoL universe.
Donāt get me wrong, Iām really glad sheās a huge hit, itās super exciting to see so many people love the character design and the gameplay, and know that I contributed directly and significantly to the behind-the-scenes engineering that makes it all work. Itās validating.
But itās also so fucking melancholy to know I did so much work and put in so much time for such a shitty company, run by shitty people, and the reward I got for it was unemployment.Ā
I threw a lot into this character. I cried at work. I started getting panic attacks, which Iāve never gotten before.Ā I developed persistent heart palpitations from the daily overwhelming stress and had to go to the hospital (this is true, seriously.) I basically dropped all my friends outside of work. My manager (and his manager!) lied to me constantlyĀ to keep me working. They said I was doing a great job but to keep it up. Donāt worry, itās going to turn out great, and itāll all be worth it in the end ā recognition, a raise, probably a promotion in short order. They promised me the world. When she was finally finished, I didnāt even get to go to the release party, they just walked me out.Ā
I remember a quote from my last day, it sticks out in my mind: āI know you realize this is really hard for me,ā my manager said. Yes, in the end, when he awkwardly informed me I didnāt have my dream job anymore ā or any job at all ā and then stared back at my shell-shocked face, my thousand-yard stare, the only thing he felt was sorry for himself.
She launched with no major bugs and was considered a technical success. Doesnāt matter. Get the fuck out.
I donāt know how I feel. A weird sensation of pride and intense bitterness. I did a good job; at least, I think I did. Unfortunately, internal validation is the only kind Iām going to get.
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