Ayin

the blue that tags along with the golden is sometimes refreshing and sometimes cold. 

[9fruit]

archive mb for @peoplehood !! 🫂🌱🥭

[monoasy]

human

i hope to be held like the glassware, a couple moving into their dream home would. i hope to be talked to like how a loner would, to the moon. i hope my hands to be held, while the roughness of it, erasing the lines made for us, does not cause him to bother. i hope to kissed at the corner of my lips while the saltiness accompanying it, doesn't make him pull away. i hope to be hugged like how a child would hug the biggest teddy. i hope to be the rain that takes the fever off from a human's body. i wish to be seen as a human. i wish to be a human.

[monoasy]

Ashes

Sitting in my room Staring at the wall, Where and when did I lose it all? I’m talking with my friends I am told to get away How and why should I let it go? Consumed three summers here Wanted it for all I sit in hope and just wait and wait All the time It’s taking way to long To have you look at me Gives me an ache I’ve never known of ‘fore Tired of picking quiet In hopes of me being heard I don’t wish to sit in silence more The mattress’ out of shape The walls are blurry now Guess this’ the mess that I’ve made for you

To burn me alive And leave no ashes behind.

[monoasy]

ego is not what we think it is. ego is not a bad personality. ego is not a complete personality. ego is that element of ourselves which lets us know who we are. while our persona talks about which version of us we want others to see, ego talks about the us who either only we know or no one at all does. while persona is who we want to be, who want to be perceived as, ego is the sense of self, being aware of at least the minimal amount of ourselves. ego is the key of self protection. our ego knows who and what can hurt us, pain us and therefore acts like a defense. just like shadow is not about everything being dark, wrong and sinful, ego is not all about being narcissistic and prideful.

[monoasy]

stand still

and it still remains the same not knowing change is what the world is built on and it still remains unchanged  knowing it’s going against the nature. and i still bounce back  to whatever i am unfamiliar with and i still cannot seem to find a way to let go off the fight and it still makes me crumple  down on the holy ground and it still chokes my throat as if it’s no else but the serpent itself. and i still try to shun  every thought evoked in my head and it still seems like  the unfamiliarity had always been my suitor. and it still happens ‘fore me again and again over a million times and i stand still not uttering a single noise. and i still hate whenever it occurs and skins me to toe but i stand still  and still let it torment the pieces.

[altruisticwriter]

-Albert Einstein

[monoasy]

white ceiling

i lay on my bed as i look up letting the white ceiling evoke my thoughts of the breeze that cleared my skin, of the shine that glittered me cheeks, of the rain that kissed my arms, of the moon the listened my heart, judging the effects it had on the love i gave, the love i drew.

i was a born runner with who to take a grasp of me? coerced to exile, the creation kept me alive

adjusting to the new life softer that usual every comment i make sounds more like apology i grew and grew until i knew the land was not ever a maze every time i crumpled down a glimpse of your face was sufficient to wake me up

[monoasy]

People are different shades of gray

yoongi on https://youtu.be/rejl6KNXbgo?t=1346 at 22:25

[monoasy]

마지막도 너와 함께라면 I'm okay 그곳은 카드로 만든 집, 바보같이 우린 헛된 꿈이래도 이대로 조금 더 stay

[monoasy]

but i'm a fire, and i'll keep your brittle heart warm; if your cascade ocean wave blues come. all these people think love's for show, but i would die for you in secret. the devil's in the details, but you got a friend in me. would it be enough if i could never give you peace? your integrity makes me seem small, you paint dreamscapes on the wall. i talk bad things with my friends — it's like i'm wasting your honor. and you know that i'd swing with you for the fences, sit with you in the trenches, give you my wild, give you a child, give you the silence that only comes when two people understand each other. family that i chose, now that i see your brother as my brother, is it enough? but there's robbers to the east, clowns to the west. i'd give you my sunshine, give you my best. but the rain is always gonna come if you're standin' with me. would it be enough if i could never give you peace?

🎵 : peace, folklore — taylor swift

[monoasy]

rain

it rained yesterday. i got myself drenched in it. i felt each drop of water touching my skin. i felt it taking away the warmth of my burning skin. i could hear the sound of the rain drops clashing with the leaves of the banana plant. i kept giggling while the water delicately kissed my skin. i stood underneath the cloud until my clothes were heavy enough after having soaked in the rain. at that point i could feel the world stopping at once. i could feel all my worries chasing away from me. all that i could see was a blurry view in front of me, hear faint noises of rain, smell the sweet scent of the earth, feel the cold touch of the drops. rain... it felt like you. rain felt you. rain, yesterday was you for me.

[monoasy]

celebrate what we had.

and if i could do something, i would have kept you with me for a bit longer. if i could do barely anything i would have spent a bit longer exploring the world with you. i would have walked down the streets to the lake with your hand in my hand, would have taken you to old bookstores and sat on the floor, reading the texts from senescent pages. i would have let that kiss we had in the rain go on for a little longer, would have held your hand tighter and kept you closer while we shared that little dance to your favourite music. if i can do anything, i will go down the alley, to the dear lake and sit at the shore with my limbs half-sinking in it. i will go to those aged bookstores and find every piece, which i could have read for you. i will let the taste of your kiss linger over my lips as if it just happened yesterday; will always dance myself to our music to just celebrate what we had.

[monoasy]

Three years

I was quite young that I knew that nobody will be with me forever. Forever is nothing, but a lie. I had understood the methodology of life. People come, people go. There’s no way you can make someone stay with you forever. It’s either you who leaves or it’s them. Either way, you would never find someone who has not broken a heart or someone who has not had their heart broken.

I had it all in my mind but a lie is always prettier at first.  Forever is that pretty lie which I used to use to reassure myself about the people I have around me. I knew they’d leave. I know I’d let their hand slip through my hand, yet I wanted to believe that they will stay; no matter what, I’ll have them with me. What I had no idea about is the mess I was getting myself into. A mess where it was all cloudy; so cloudy that one could barely see anything. It basically felt like laying on a raft which is floating in the middle of the ocean. You feel the coolness of the water around you and the warmth of the sun above you. It feels like a perfect balance. But, you’ll die anyways. Either because you starved or because of a shark.

All of what I have, helped me in meeting various kinds of people. Different personalities, different behaviors, different vibes. All of them having their own little world which is either only understood by them or by no one. Exactly. It's either them, themselves or not a single soul else. And that is exactly what made it difficult for me to understand the people I have around me. A thing is shown which is not real, a thing is hidden which is not false.

With every bond there comes a question mark. A minute question mark which covers the expectation that one has for the other. Expectations that are not noticed by anyone. It is never true when someone says that they do not have any expectation from the other party because it’s all about the circumstances. At a point, one might not be able to acknowledge the expectations that tag along with every kind of relationship that is formed — may that be a relation between a parent and a child, siblings, friends, a teacher and her/his students, lovers, a husband and a wife or anything of that sort. The expectations one holds for the other is always noticed when the time comes. And the worst thing about it is that it is not how it is portrayed in the Hollywood movies that we watch. It’s much difficult to understand the complexities, the emotions and to admit what you feel. It is harder to accept the truth if it is not in your favor and you know you will be the one to lose the game.

Life is not a competition. But we make it one. We make lives a competition by wanting to win always. I mean, that should be a given. No one likes getting hurt or put down by a rank or two. We know that it is either we, who win and rejoice with champagnes or we, who lose and cry all night. Who would even prefer crying all night when feeding oneself with lies is much easier and would also keep one happy enou- This. This is the part where we decide not to get that overflowing water out of our boat and decide to drown in along with the boat.

But oh, such hypocrites we are. Whilst being aware of it all, we still continue feeding ourselves on the lies. Despite knowing that it’ll be us who’ll be shredded down to uncountable number of disproportionate pieces, we still continue.

Three years. All I did is convince my own mind into believing something which is not true. I do. I do have expectations. Quite small ones, I thought. But it is there somewhere hidden in my heart and I know it exists. And what I didn’t know was how huge those can be and how heavier it can get when time comes. Seeing those ‘little’ expectations being dismissed felt awful. It might sound as cliché as it does, but it was just horrible. The emptiness, the numbness, the dejection, the anger, the overwhelm felt a bit to much to handle. What is worse is the complexities I talked about. We never know who wants what, who feels what.

I never understood her. I don’t think I’ll ever understand him. All that I can do is tell myself that it is all fine, they might just not be up for it; that it’ll be okay with time and everything will be back to normal — back to how it used to be. But, how long is this time? How long will it take until it’s normal? How long will it take for us to look at each other eye to eye with no mixed feelings within either of us? Just how long? How long do I still have to keep trying for? Because, at a point it just gets exhausting. All that I had within my reach is to look for signs to stay, signs to not give up, signs to keep looking forward. And, right now, I am tired of it — tired of waiting and thinking and regretting.

I realized how I had bound my life around theirs, how everything I did was a result of what they did, how they had a leverage on me without them knowing anything about it. 

Three years. It revolved around people who could never provide me an ounce of peace for a long term. Three years and I made myself turn into someone that is not me. I don’t know how my 9-year-old-self would feel about the 14 years-old me, but I know it would not hold any grudges against the me, that I am today — the me who just learnt to let go. All that I can say is that it was difficult. The memories, the laughs, the echoes of the voices, it’s all a bit too difficult to let go of but why not if they are the elements that bring you down and make you lose yourself?

I am not who I was a year ago. People change, don’t they? Changes are essential for adaptation and acceptance. It makes you realize that you growing up. And today it’s all about me and I like the change I went through. I like knowing that I am growing up. 

PS: I am finally able to listen the album Lover by @taylorswift, again the way I did when I listened it for the first time all by myself. I am quite happy that it is not so very difficult for my anymore to not think about the past memories attached to the album. It still is the most painfully beautiful album but right now, at least I can listen it all in one go hehe >.< okieee byeeee

[monoasy]

will you?

i don't know what love is. i don't know what love feels like. i don't know whether or not the things i felt and feel can be called loved. i'm unaware of how happy the feeling is. i'm unaware of how much of suffering it comes with. i'm unaware of the way love works. but what i know is what i feel is so so better than anything else. what i am aware about, is no matter what happens, only this feeling gives me hope and will. what i know is whenever i return back home after a tiring day, i find myself seeking it. i just know that however i feel, when you make me smile, is the prettiest feeling. i just know that whatever i feel, when you hold me close, is the safest i ever felt. if love is prettier than what i feel, let me know, now, will you? if love is better than what i feel, let me feel it too, now, will you?

[monoasy]

it’s us

i don't think people are telling me the truth. i don't think it was all a game of destiny. i don't think it was god's way for whatever happened. i do not, now, want to believe it was written. i do not want to listen the preaching. it tiring to listen people talk about everything and nothing, all day saying it happened for a reason. it’s even silly to see people blame it all on the destiny and fate and whatever they call it as. i do believe in fate. but completely relying on it seems like a denseness to me. we aren’t here to inculpate our fate for everything that happens. finding depth in a person's soul is exactly what takes it all up. all we need to see is what we are like and what we can do. seven billion people and every one of us has a grasp on at least one thing. one thing that can change everything around us. i don't think things happen because they were supposed to happen. things happen because we make it happen. things which we have a hold on are exactly what allows us to make the choice. it's not the destiny written by stars, the moon and the sun. it is what is written by us. maybe everything had been meaningless. and i certainly do not want to talk about the meaning. do not tell me about the meaning. things don’t always happen for a reason. what i want from you is to tell me about you. tell me about what you can take charge of. tell me how and why you would do it. tell me about things that you can write about yourself. tell me whether or not you would it write for yourself. if it was within your reach, would you want to take the responsibility? would you be capable of holding yourself accountable for things that would be happening? tell me how much of it you are capable of. tell me how much of it you believe.

[monoasy]

would let them ruin us

i would let the world separate us by distance. i would let the almighty drift us apart by hundreds of years. i would let the people keep us apart. i would let the omnipotent bring us back to the world back as different people. i would let it all happen because i know i still would love you the same. i know you still would have the same emotions within you. i would still be able to find you, recognize you. after all whatever we are made of is known to only us. after all we know every bit of whatever it is that made us. in any case, you found me, i found you. in any case, you know me, i know you.

[monoasy]

my only one

it is from the moment i realized that only you make me happy the way no one else can, that i knew what you mean to me. it was then when i realized that i can pour my heart out to you without hesitation, that i knew how delicately you handle my vulnerable being. it was when i felt safe with you, that i knew you are the one to share my happiness and sadness with; that you are the one who would laugh with me when i am in the light and shed tears with me when i am tearing apart. it took a quite long time but i realized how it was and had always been you who ever helped me accept me and my feelings. it was and has always been you and only you who ever made me feel that both i and my feelings are valid are valuable, valid and worth it.