“ why can’t you let me in? what are you so afraid of? ” — coop
@nofinalgirl | 𝐐𝐔𝐄𝐒𝐓𝐈𝐎𝐍 𝐏𝐑𝐎𝐌𝐏𝐓𝐒.
she asks that like it's such a simple question with an easy answer; one that he could put into any words that even he could understand himself. it wasn’t like they haven’t grown close by now ― jackie had been one of the people he’s let the closest to himself. whatever kind of senses he had could tell she wasn’t like other humans. getting to know her deeper, he made the conclusion she wasn’t one that was going to do harm to him. so why couldn’t he let her in more?
"jackie, it's--" he’s ready to make his usual rehearsed answer: it’s nothing i can’t handle myself. it's enough to even give a hint and talk about the nightmares. that alone makes people uneasy and unsure what to say. they don't like hearing about that stuff. it doesn't matter what they are, human, demon, vampire, it doesn't matter. it doesn't make it easier that he always has to have a film of lies around anything he does tell people. the idea of being completely raw seems impossible. his whole being was enhanced in paper mache with the intent to protect others from him.
"i― i don't know what i am. i don't know why i am the way that i am. i don't have any kind of guidance, i haven't in three centuries. i'm not doing work for the devil. i'm not the devil in disguise, or whatever other stories there are out there about what i’m labeled as. i'm not cursed, this can't be lifted off of me. i just am.” oh, so he let’s it spill. his voice even changes from his classic monotone to one on the edge of rushing to get spiraling thoughts out. “i have this bizarre cross to bare and not even i can understand it, how is anybody else supposed to?"
he sighs out, a little nervous chuckle even slipping out as his tattooed hands move up to comb through his dark strains. striking green eyes stare down to the floor momentarily before hands come to a rest back on his lap. seemingly lost in wondering thought for a few seconds longer.
"...i don't know how to let you." he speaks, voice deathly soft this time. “i don’t want you to know more, to see more and then― “ words are cut off, his leg starts bouncing up and down, or maybe it was already? he didn’t notice before now if it was. “it’s bad, the details of what i do. what i remember.” eyes glance down to his hands, then over to hers. he chews on the inside of his cheek before gingerly holding his hand out, palm up. “do you want to see what i mean? go on. do it.”
it was better to have her tap out of this, sooner than later.
