[monotone-roses]

Well my therapist was fully on board with the idea that my previously unspecified dissociative disorder is in fact some iteration of DID/OSDD and I am a system. It still feels so weird and foreign. But I'm getting more comfortable with it the more I learn about it and the more it makes things make sense.

So, I guess it's official?

Nothing like learning something this huge about yourself at fucking 32 years old 🤷

[road0flife]

[that-house]

partially-managed mental illness is so fucking funny i'll be sitting around doing my job and suddenly think "wow i hate myself" and immediately get confused because, like, that's not TRUE! i love myself so much. who are you to talk to me like that

[that-house]

^ its like this

[monotone-roses]

Chat I hit styr0 for the first time and I fucking love it

It looks so good. It felt so good to do. It feels good to run my fingers over it. It felt so good to watch it bl33d

I'm cooked

[eldritchwhor3r]

Realizing you're not the kind of person people see as permanent in their life

[maxxie-or-smth]

nothing a cigarette and a blunt and some vodka and calling my senate and researching moral ocd and destroying all of my interpersonal relationships and acting on the urges and jacking off and killing myself cant fix

[monotone-roses]

I said it.

We had fallen onto the floor, entangled, laughing, completely at ease with each other. We kissed. I looked into your eyes and wanted to say it. We kissed again and. I said it. Not loudly, not forcefully. My eyes were closed as I said it.

I love you.

And he froze.

So I held him. That might have been the tightest he's ever held me. I was holding just as tightly, equally for him as myself. I knew he was doing the same.

I said, don't worry about it. It's genuinely, actually okay. You don't have to. What I said was, actions speak louder than words. What I meant by that was, that hug just communicated everything you needed to. I kissed his forehead.

He said his horrid ex, on their FIRST date, FORCED him to say it back. Despite him explaining his understanding of being aromantic.

I said, you don't have to. In fact, don't. You aren't allowed. We're throwing that one away.

I care you. I cherish you. I adore you. I'll go through the thesaurus. The words are just sounds. I don't need to hear it back. I'm not saying it for me. I'm saying it for you.

After he left, I had to tell myself out loud that we are not going to be sad about it. It is genuinely okay. There was no rejection. I said something I wanted to say, and it worked out just fine. I'm choosing to be okay about this. And it feels actually okay. I am at peace, and it is unfamiliar but beautiful.

[wizard-email]

i lied. put your clothes back off, I do actually like sex

[monotone-roses]

I associate the taste of acoustic weed with you

I mistakenly sense the smell of you sometimes (hallucinate???)

I am still scared to say it, but the fact that I really definitively want to say it I really think means every part of me agrees. I don't have evidence for that, other than my overall severe aversion to saying that up til now, but it feels right?

I fear I'm obsessed with you

And worse, I fear you don't feel the same

[loveridden1999]

my two mood these days

[squaresaw]

[monotone-roses]

Uh oh chat, guess who's currently unemployed

[vibzblog]

not sure what's worse ny detachment issue or my attachment issue

[monotone-roses]

Hey besties what are we using to edit SH photos with a transparent overlay? I got some good ones

[monotone-roses]

I swear to god if I could I would give you the world. I would sell my organs, I would commit crimes, i would sell my soul, I would die, if it gave you the money you need to feel safe. I wish I could hold you closer. Hug every last ounce of fear and pain and anguish out of you. I would go to jail for the rest of my life for murdering the horrible, disgusting ex that hurt you.

In other words, I love you and I'm sorry that isn't worth more. I love you and I'm sorry I can't make things better. I love you and I'm sorry I'm too broken myself to say it. I love you and I'm sorry so many people have failed you. I love you and I'm sorry that's worthless

[cynnnr]

Slit my wrists and pray to the sky for a better life

[badtundra]

maturing is realizing none of us are easy to be with. it's about who's willing to stay committed to understanding you and actually wants to grow with you

[monotone-roses]

Staying the night with my bf (he is already asleep) (I am clearly not asleep) (I don't sleep well outside my own bed) (I am in my own head and have so many things I want to tell him but am too scared) and all I want to do is slice myself open (I'm sorry)