I Am Aware @monotonous-lifestyle - Tumblr Blog

fixing your relationship with your mother is all fun and games until you remember she thinks you’re gonna burn in hell

#Will I really never see her again in heaven?

My mother has told me since I was little they cut me out of her because I was gripping on her insides too tight

Has it always been this way

Out of fear

Or out of love

Did I hold on to be close to you

Or to shield myself from the world you created outside

Lil bloodied hands curled around organs

A vice like grip

It was a memory probably given to me too early

I dont remember if she always told the story with venom on the tip of her tongue or if its my own imagination coloring the past red.

She’s carried the scar with her forever

With its bumped and raised edges I marveled at it

I think that angered her

My creation was never a marvel

It was a curse

Theres little to be known of the psychological connection women have to their fetuses

But I think I always knew

My mother wished I wasnt there

And so I didnt either

Not into a world where her fist reached me more easily

Where her words echoed through my caverns

On my worst days I imagine herself

Grossly pregnant

Staring longingly at a flight of stairs

Too scared to do it but consumed by possibilities

Ive doomed her since the beginning

Back then it wasnt my fault

But now she can blame me for everything I couldnt be

Who has been let down most

Who has been proven wrong

Her mother or mine?

#spilled ink #personal #ignore me

I wish i were dead

I haven’t posted in years , but i’m drunk and dwelling on my mommy issues. Here’s some shitty words.

Ps. Should I just post all my shitty emotional writing at once? I have some about my dead grandpa.

Anyway,

……………..

What is a troubled child?

11/29/21

I was not an easy child to raise

But you werent easy to be raised by

And should I be penalized for my childish ways

I called out to you

reached for you with arms outstretched

And was met with empty space, unmerciful hands, and cutting words

When I spoke to you looking for answers

You silenced me

You only listened when the anger bubbled up and exploded from my lips

Waited until my small frame couldnt hold the pain

And then punished me for it

I scraped my body hallow

Taking away pieces of myself

Trying to hide the bruises you caused

Every raised voice and raised hand plays itself over and over again in the subconscious

Even now, your anger converts me to a child again

Your danger has long worn off but I still flinch

Still unsure weather your palms will hold me or cause more welts

Unsure if the next sentence spilled from your mouth will stitch my being together

Or break it apart again

But oh

Oh I had my faults too

Faults you can not blame on another

But did I not try to kill them?

drowned myself in Jesus for you

Tried to make your belief my own and better

A childhood prophet spreading your wisdom

Taking my peers to your altar

Bitterly worshiping at the foot of the temple I built for you

Excuse my adolescent naivety

But you cant say I didnt try

Though misguided, all the effort I could muster

I did for you

I believed in god but my faith was in you

And the truths you fed me

I saw your suffering and made a cross of it

Placed it on my shoulders

And carry it to this day

I saw your self pity and could not do anything but pity you too

Shared the load in hopes you’d feel it lighten

But you laid bricks on my back

You buried me

And watched me suffocate

An unwanted inheritance

I used to be kind and gentle

Spoke in soft words and lullabies

But I was not allowed to speak

I used to cry in front of others

Bared my naked soul bravely

But you left me scarred

Was I so flawed

To have to change myself completely

Just so I could hear the gentle tone of your voice

Did I deserve it?

I dont know who I am

Or who you are to me

Who I couldve been if I was treated like a child and not a nuisance

Or labeled as the punishment for your own crimes

Reminded that I should be grateful I even existed

Until I didnt want to exist at all

You never wanted me to exist at all

I was not a perfect child

Or maybe even a good one

But should a child be expected to

Was it my own fault

Could you be faulted too

………

#spilled ink #potentially triggering #writing #ignore this really bad whatever the fuck this is #personal

I am the stagnant earth

I am the stubborn earth

If forces shall move me I will shake every burden that has been built upon the mountains of my back

My footsteps echo through the canyons

My screams howl through dense and fogged forests

My breath carries birds across the horizon

I am the earth

You are the flowing river

You are the stubborn river

Time is your friend and with it you've cut my surface

Even the stone of my being couldnt stop you

youve watered crops

They thrive and bloom and flower

Your voice murmurs in my ear

Your touch smooths my edges

You are the Nile

But

You slip between my fingertips

I wish I could call out to you but I have stitched my mouth shut with the thread I’ve woven from

every past regret I've created for myself

every fear I have built up in my head

And every expectation created for me

every ounce of self-doubt I've poured down my own throat I’ve done so willingly

It burns; it's poison; but I will pour myself another glass if it means that I might have the chance to sit in your waters again

Or hear the trickle of your laugh

You are a river

and I have drowned in you

#personal #writing #spilled ink #poetry #eww

holmesmikotoba

I havent seen this posted on here yet so.

pelirroja-peligrosa

Daveed Diggs in Blindspotting (2018)

thehopefulquotes

When something bothered me, I didn't talk with anyone about it. I thought it over all by myself, came to a conclusion, and took action alone. Not that I really felt lonely. I thought that's just the way things are. Human beings, in the final analysis, have to survive on their own.

— Haruki Murakami

Me: I have such control over my depression; it doesnt affect me at all!!

Also me: *Stays in bed for nearly 24 hours straight* I am completley fine 🙂

#personal #uh oh im getting bad again