Yes, it’s everywhere now. People are talking about loving your body no matter what, but that doesn’t mean that people aren’t still insecure about their bodies. And I’m a victim of that. From when I was little I always had a round face and was a bit of a chub. I wasn’t what doctors would consider “overweight,” but I definitely had some pudge. All my life I wasn’t ever super confident about my body, but I was ok with it. It wasn’t a big deal that I didn’t look like America’s next top model, but once in a while it would bother me when I saw other girls who were about my size, same bone structure and frame, yet I was about 20 pounds more. When I went to college I took going to the gym more seriously, by then I was more concerned with muscle tone and definition than I was with losing weight. Cause when you go to school in a state where you have to be beach ready at all times, you want to look your best. And guess what? I did lose weight. I dropped about 20 pounds from my heaviest weight in high school. I don’t know if it’s cause I was a starving college student or cause I had access to a “free” gym. Either way, for the first time, I was actually pretty happy and confident in my own body. I felt amazing!
Now let’s fast forward to present day. I am still about 20 pounds less than I was at my heaviest weight, which is amazing considering how much of a foodie I am. I will admit that I did fluctuate a lot since coming back home from college, but I’ve managed to magically keep my weight down. I don’t do any crazy dieting or devote myself to going to the gym, I just monitor what I’m eating and workout from home. Mostly cause I can’t afford a gym membership at this time. And I love food too much to diet. You only have one life, eat whatever makes you happy!
More recently I’ve been devoting myself to working out more and trying to get back in shape like I was when I was in college. And this may sound super silly, but a huge motivator for me is to look just as good, if not better, in a swimsuit as one of my “skinny” friends. Now before you jump to conclusions, she has just always been one of the thinner ones in our group. Just naturally thin, genetics were kind to her after puberty. All in all, she has been blessed with a very nice body. And I think she looks fantastic! But since we are about the same size and I can finally say that I am at a weight where I can compete with her, I chose her to help motivate me through this workout program I’ve started. Which, by the way, has been insane but amazing. Continuing on....Of course working out is mostly for me, but I can’t help wanting to “win” this nonexistent competition. I know...it’s crazy, why am I so damn competitive with my own friends?? To be honest, I think everyone is, it’s just not something people admit or talk about. A little competition helps better ourselves in our lives. It pushes us to do better. Anyways, back onto topic, I was telling my boyfriend about this “goal” because I think it’s silly and would make for a good laugh. WELL, I didn’t realize how self conscious and insecure I was about my body until he said that it would be “difficult” for me to look as good or better than my friend! And then proceeded to talk about how good of a body she has...don’t worry, this is normal, we are very open about when we think people are attractive. ANYWHO! I guess I was expecting him to say something positive about my body or just support me in my journey of working out and getting fit. But after he said that, I was suddenly very self conscious and felt like I could never achieve that goal I had set for myself. I DIDN’T REALIZE HOW WEAK I AM!! I felt like I had reverted back to chubby me and now just wanted to be lazy and eat all day long. If it’s apparently impossible for me, why am I even trying?? Once a fat kid, always a fat kid. But basically I just couldn’t get over what he said. It’s really sticking to me. I just feel like I went from thinking how good I look, to seeing every little flaw. “Oh gosh, my cellulite is more prominent now. Just look at how squishy my stomach is. Why do my arms jiggle so much?! Is my double chin growing?!?!” My mind is swirling with these thoughts. And as much as the logical part of me is screaming that this is dumb and I look fantastic, all I see in the mirror is past me with all her insecurities. I know that wanting to look better than my friend is a silly motivator, but it’s not like I was saying that I want to look like a movie star! I just wanted to be where she is at right now (in terms of body size and whatnot). I guess maybe it’s too close to home? I don’t know. The point is, I needed to say that even for people who lost weight, know and feel they are fantastic, who don’t usually give a flying f*** about other people’s opinions, can still get offended and be insecure.
