[icaseybaybee]

[margaretmcpoyle]

I super do not want to

[moonchalant]

things i will do once this sem ends:

cut all contact. i dont think i wanna talk to anyone of my friends or family. after the 13th (family event) im cutting everyone off.

ask the tutorial agency for work. i need to work alongside taking midyear classes

fix routine. need to prove to myself that i can stick to one

get a gym membership (?) if im going into a spiral, might as well have something stable in my routine

cook chapaguri. ooooh i can almost smell it. gonna be so yummy

[moonchalant]

some days i feel like im drowning in guilt.

guilt for not being good enough. guilt for not showing up for myself a lot. does anyone feel that? like when they've done something wrong, they just know they're probably going to blame themselves for a bit and carry the guilt every month like they're on a fucking subscription?

these days, i feel like i've been carrying more guilt than i ever have. more resentment, more loathing. some are directed at me. some are directed towards others.

i never know if this cycle is going to end. i hope it does.

[moonchalant]

bombed an exam today. i hope it doesnt affect my grade for this subject too much.

[moonchalant]

fucking exhausted. last 2 reqs to go. want this sem to be over so bad

[tall]

[slaygentford]

[moonchalant]

solved the sudoku hard level in like 5 smth mins

[justsayfkit]

hey no worries lol that just hurt my feelings forever

[moonchalant]

i chose this degree bcs 1. i love math and hate engineering 2. i want to be employed my struggles as of late isnt really particularly about the contents of this degree (altho i think i might fail like 2 classes), it's moreso abt the everyday things that i need to do to learn stuff abt stat. like commuting. i cant commute anymore the conditions are getting worse. truly. and then eating. i cant meal prep, we dont have enough food in the house for me to do it.

there are other things but commuting really takes the cake. it takes 3-5 hours of my day, takes away a lot of hours from my sleeping time, takes my energy away that i dont have enough to study when i get home, etc.

solution obviously is to dorm but if i do, im gonna be the one to have to fund it. my mom cant (and probably wont) fund anything else, except for my measly transportation bcs her job sucks (we've talked and argued abt this, wc was pointless bcs it literally does nothing to solve the problem and everything to hurt her feelings). i cant get a freaking job bcs this is not a degree that i get a job for. this degree is kinda like a jealous partner, it only wants my attention on them and when it's not, it sets out to destroy my life. so part time jobs are my only options, which most part time work is not reliable bcs i could earn this month and none for the next.

what the hell is my move supposed to be here? am i supposed to just study? even though my grades are slipping and i know exactly what to do to fix them but the means are just Simply Not With Me?

[moonchalant]

i love pursuing this degree, believe me. i just wish i got to take a few classes per semester bcs what the actual hell why is my workload like this and why am i so burnt out and why is it always unfailingly during the second semester?????

[honeydewdrops333]

what doesn’t kill you makes your nervous system more sensitive for the rest of your life

[a-concert-just-for-me]

They should invent a me that wants to do tasks. And maybe if they’re feeling generous, a me that feels good after completing a task, too.

[yourtryhard]

[moonchalant]

i had my film final today. i was the asst director while simultaneously being the lead actress ! thank god this class is over whew

[moonchalant]

being told my dad is still my dad is like telling little me that you can hear the ocean in a seashell. i hope one day people have the heart not to lie to me any longer