one hand raises from the steering wheel to rub at his cheek, as if to wipe some of the deep confusion muddled there, in his features. somehow he couldn’t say the right words, couldn’t get her to understand what he’s trying to say. what was it, that he was trying to say, anyway ? maybe that’s the problem, that neither of them can speak truthfully, that they continue to wade around it, never fully delving in. he didn’t know how, exactly–– he would much rather write about it, later, unleash it all with pen to paper. all the emotions, all the words he wished he had been able to string together in the moment, turned to lyrics on a page. “jesus christ, jac,” he mutters, confusion now morphing into frustration as her assumption hits the air–– as if you care. knuckles glow white in the car’s dim interior, jaw clenched so tightly he’s afraid it might snap. “why the fuck do you think i’ve never had anything nice to say about him? it’s not my fault he’s an asshole. but no, apparently i don’t care,” tosses a glance in her direction, then, the strain ever present in his voice, melding with the bite of his sarcasm. in truth, he did care–– he thought showing up tonight at her call would prove enough, that he valued her more than the other male who left her there, so callously. that’s why he’s so confused, so shocked with this sudden antagonism emanating from her side of the car. “it wasn’t a secret, you just never asked. why do you care so much that i was on a date? you never said anything about jess before this.” at least not to his recollection, but he was attempting to pull more out of her, something that sounded a little more like the truth, if he could. doesn’t push too hard, though, scared that he’s misreading it, that it isn’t jealousy he’s detecting in her tone, or if she’s just taking her shitty night out on him. either way, his decision was clear–– he couldn’t leave her there, like ezra. even the sheer mention of his name could force his skin to crawl, for his own well of jealousy to rise. grey couldn’t understand why anyone would waste their time pining over someone who wouldn’t even spit on them if they were on fire. jac deserved better than that, at least. he wasn’t sure if he was what she deserved, if he might be any better, in the end, but at least he wouldn’t dare to ditch her outside a busy club in the middle of the night. seems as though she’s finally realizing that, too, or at least, the tide’s shifting, somewhat, glancing over at her out of the corner of his eye as she presses her hands to her face, brows furrowing softly. wants to turn to her, take her hands in his own, but he can’t, obviously, at least not yet. there’s a yellow light up ahead, however, one that quickly fades to red, his foot pressing down on the brake, to bring them to a somewhat jerky stop. “it’s fine, i say stupid shit all the time,” he breathes, turning then to look at her, almost as if he’s daring her to say it. he’s no longer focusing on the road, or on the light ahead. didn’t matter if it changed–– he wasn’t moving from this spot. features twist with confusion, however, at her words, a strangled breath slipping past his lips. “you think that song’s about jess?” the denial’s written plainly on his features, unknowingly shaking his head, as if on instinct. “no, tell me who you thought it was about, jac.” it’s spoken softly, even as he places the car into park, eyes checking the rearview mirror to assure there’s no one behind them. “we’re not moving until you do.”
she wanted to scream; stretch her impossibly tensed jaw until it creaked with ache and finally unleash the storm inside of her chest. instead, jac focused her eyes on the dashboard directly in front of her, as if the road just outside the windshield in front of them was too much. opts to completely ignore his rebuttals about ezra. grey was right, even if it wasn’t really the point that jac was trying to get across, she knew that ezra had never really done anything to elicit his support. crosses her arms now at his line of questioning, breaking her fixation on the dashboard in front of her. “i don’t care! i don’t care that you were on a date! god, marry her tomorrow and i literally will not care,” frustration in her voice edges toward anger, sick of forcing herself to lie like this. “fuck! i guess i’m just sad, grey. i didn’t know that knowing about your life was all dependent on asking the right questions.” silently, jac’s angry at herself for biting the hand that feeds. why was she displaying the absolute worst version of herself to the one person who was always there? tried to think of anyone other than grey who would tolerate this inquisition teetering toward full-fledged argument while still having her best intentions in mind. the car comes to a jarring stop at a red light, jac’s back slamming against the awkward position she had maneuvered herself into. he turns to look at her and jac’s heart is loud in her ears. god, toeing this line had become tiresome. in fact, above everything else, jac was tired. tired of the game they played, both miserably losing. she wanted to tell him everything; how he has saved her life many times, how he has become her lighthouse of sorts, how this feeling she carries for him breathes with her body — alive like it’s own organism, how heavy her journal has become with her sad prose in a distant tongue that is nothing but him. his face manifests genuine confusion, causing jac’s cheeks to immediately redden. she watches, helpless as he pushes the car into park, swearing if she were to open her mouth her heart would tumble out into the empty space between them. his eyes bore into hers with a sort of intensity that’s unfamiliar and jac feels a visceral urge to close the gap between them. never has seen him like this before. so resolute, taking complete control. the blasé disposition that jac was so used to was long gone. the pause between them is hard to endure, feeling like hours. when the light eventually turns green, her peripheral notices the cars that swerve around them in impatience. jac swallows hard, shaking her head. “it’s your song, grey,” jac moves into the upright position, trying to feign confidence in the midst of this chaos. “i want you to tell me.”
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