#hurtingkind

[bestcurse]

would say it’s taken him awhile to get to this point. awhile for the guilt, that had carved out a home in his stomach, to dissipate, at least enough that it no longer absorbs him, no longer poses as a constant threat to swallow him whole. his liability still weighs on his shoulders, in some form, although not as heavy as it once had, seemingly alleviating a little more each day they spend with each other, each day they near closer and closer to a life that should’ve been theirs from the very beginning. and it’s seemingly less apparent tonight— maybe it’s because he’s already on his whatever number drink of the night, and that familiar buzz, the one that has his nerves, his usual anxieties, receding until a wave of confidence is settling in is place. hasn’t been able to reach this place yet before, finding it to be a huge adjustment, a barrier, allowing this desire he’s always had for her, this yearning and love that’s always run deep, to be on full show, right in front of the very people, their closest of friends, they tried to desperately conceal it from for years, despite it being something they’re allowed to do now that the news is out; that she’d called off her wedding, that they had been involved with one another all along. it hadn’t been an easy pill to swallow, the news getting out in the way it had, a certain narrative presented, but he’s coming to terms with it, now that the dust has settled, now that enough time has passed for everyone else to adjust, too. and now that they have, now that they’ve taken enough heat from the group of familiar faces around the table, over these past few weeks— that it was obvious all along, that they were never good at hiding it, miller’s finally reached a place where he’s outwardly able to show off his affection, in the direct light, rather than behind closed doors, in darkened corners, like he’d once grown used to. so, yeah— it’s taken him awhile to get here, with his palm laid flat against the warmth of her thigh, thumb brushing absentmindedly back and forth, fingers occasionally giving a light squeeze. and he’s almost certain that he looks like some sort of fool, with how big he’s smiling over at her, nothing but admiration gleaming in his hues, unable to remember the last time he’s ever felt this content before. it’s enough to have him inching that much more towards her, free arm moving so it can grasp the back of her chair for stability, though really it’s acting as an excuse to be as close as he can. “ you know, i don’t think i got the chance to mention it before— just how good you look, tonight, ” actually, even if he hadn’t verbally mentioned it, he’s sure that the way his eyes haven’t been able to stop landing on her, or the way he could barely keep his hands off of her before they’d arrived, might’ve expressed it. he just wants to reiterate it now. “ i mean, not that you don’t always look good, or anything, ” it comes with a low chuckle, remembering how he equally likes the sight of her after they’ve just woken up, or getting ready for bed, or fuck, even in the middle of the day. “ it’s just... especially so, tonight, i guess. you look happy, i don’t know, like genuinely happy. ” / @hurtingkind​

[moonscngsarchive]

･ﾟ∗ ∘     closed starter for     @hurtingkind​      .

     expletives  fly  out  of  jac’s  mouth  as  dilated  pupils  attempt  to  focus  on  ezra’s  tail  lights,  watching  helplessly  as  he  pulls  away  and  turns  a  corner  —  he  had  officially  left  her  stranded.  her  heart  sinks  to  the  pit  of  her  gut  as  panic  simultaneously  springs  up  and  forms  a  lump  in  her  throat,  a  seesaw  of  uncontrollable  emotion.  a  cacophony  of  noise  seeps  out  of  the  dive  bar  behind  her  and  she  immediately  feels  vulnerable,  unsafe.  stands  here  for  a  few  minutes,  in  a  state  of  shock  and  dizzy  haze.  hates  that  she  has  no  options  as  she  begins  to  follow  her  first  instinct,  pulling  out  her  phone  and  pressing  the  call  icon  next  to  grey’s  name.  feels  tears  prick  at  her  eyes  as  the  ringing  tone  drolls  in  her  ears,  but  her  stubborn  nature  won’t  allow  them  to  spill  over.  it  rings  for  what  feels  like  minutes,  only  making  her  panic  more  at  the  thought  of  not  trusting  anyone  else  in  this  moment,  until  grey’s  voice  finally  comes  over  the  receiver  and  she  feels  a  semblance  of  relief.  jac  explains  everything  as  quickly  as  she  can,  silently  thankful  that  grey  doesn’t  comment  when  her  voice  cracks,  but  even  more  thankful  when  he  lets  her  know  he’ll  be  on  his  way  soon.  once  they  hang  up,  she  walks  a  safe  distance  away  from  the  bar  and  toward  the  intersecting  street  that  she  let  him  know  he  would  be  at.  when  grey’s  car  eventually  pulls  up  and  she  sets  eyes  on  him  in  the  driver  seat,  jac  feels  the  sting  of  tears  once  again.  “if  music  doesn't  work,  you  should  feel  comfort  in  knowing  that  i  would  offer  you  your  first  five  star  rating  on  uber,”   she  jokes,  buckling  her  seatbelt  once  she’s  inside  the  car.  shifts  in  her  seat,  obviously  uncomfortable.  "but  thank  you...  for  coming.  i  didn't  want  to  call  you,  but  you  saved  me."

[caligiinous]

had tonight been his finest moment ? no, probably not. but that didn’t mean he entirely regretted it. entirely being the key word, because now that he was outside, burning his way through a cigarette, and had the time to reflect back on the night’s events ─ yeah, he probably shouldn’t have fucking done that. but he’d been downing his drinks a little quicker than usual, anything to stop that unusual feeling in his chest, in his abdomen ─ almost as if his insides were consistently winding and unwinding themselves together at the mere sight of her with somebody else. with somebody who treated her so poorly, talked about her so poorly. yeah, that was it. had been the reason why he’d taken the first swing, at least; something he was growing to be more embarrassed by, by the second. upon hearing the door open, miller’s head pivots towards the sound, expecting to see anybody other than her, assuming she would’ve been inside, tending to the damage he’d caused.  “ if you’re gonna be mad or lecture me, i’ve already heard it all from everyone inside, ” he sighs, turning his back to her. it had been out of character for him, he knew that ─ completely uncalled for, causing unnecessary drama, as some of their friends had put it. and while he didn’t entirely regret it, no, that had been enough to have him feeling disconcerted, to feel as if removing himself from the situation was the best option for everyone involved, to aid to his aching, bruising knuckles alone ─ which surprisingly, didn’t hurt as much as he thought it would. come to think about it, the amount he’d consumed tonight probably offered an explanation for that, his gaze still a little hooded, unfocused, even if he’d lost some of his buzz, following the fight. still, he couldn’t tell if that part was because of the liquor that lined his stomach, or if he was just too embarrassed to look at her. whatever it is, he’ll distract himself with another drag, releasing the smoke into the cold night’s air. except miller didn’t feel particularly cold, deciding to reach for the bottle he’d brought out with him, another swig, and then another ─ maybe to make up for some of the feeling he’d lost, or maybe to prepare himself for whatever she had to say to him. “ i know i shouldn’t have done that, i don’t know why i did─ ” yes he did. “ but seriously, dev. everyone’s already told me i’m an asshole. i don’t need to hear it from you, too. ” / @hurtingkind​

[bestcurse]

it feels almost surreal, waking up next to her like this— such a long time coming, that he finds it hard to believe that it’s even real. the undertone of today doesn’t fail him, however. in fact, it’s dense in the air, serving as a reminder of what a day like today was supposed to bring, up until last night. that it was meant to be one of the biggest day’s of her life, and yet they’ve ended up here, instead— together, like he always hoped it would turn out. years spent wanting this privately, secretly, has finally come to a halt, and he’s free, now, to want her openly, shamelessly. there’s a soft, content appearance upon his countenance as he rolls to face her that much more, hands outstretched, seeking, for any form of contact, anything that will let him know that this was tangible, that she was here with him, and not apart of some far off dream that he had become accustom to, after weaving in and out of each other’s lives, over all this time. the pads of his fingertips come into contiguity with bare flesh, and suddenly he can breathe easy again, each breath timed evenly, as open eyes adjust to the now sunlit room. she’s the first thing he focuses on, heavy-lidded and still half asleep, but the memories that swarm of the previous night, of all that they’d admitted, how even through it all, they still wanted one another, remind him of all he needs to know. it was as if a weight had been lifted, light shining down on an existence that had once been clouded with darkness, without her presence in his life, afraid of how it might’ve remained that way permanently, had she made the decision to proceed with today— that he would’ve lost her for good, if she had. there’s still a faint quell of that fear in his chest, rattling around his bones, infiltrating his previous calm breaths. still, he tries to shield it as best he can; those doubts, that guilt. it’s easy enough to do, waking up to the sight of her, to the warmth of her frame curled up against his own, after such a long time without it. “ morning, ” he whispers, voice coarse, raspy, as a small smile stretches at the corners of his mouth, enough for his smile lines to carve into each side. long fingers explore further, then, tracing softly against her hipbone; absentminded patterns sketched against her skin. “ i forgot how loud you snore, you know— don’t know how i’m supposed to ever get any sleep, if we keep on doing this each night, ” he’s teasing, of course, voice filtered with gaiety, but it soon falls away from him, eyebrows furrowing, as he begins to worry he’s said too much, too soon. “ i mean, that’s if you’re still wanting this... if you’re still sure about everything, about today. ” / @hurtingkind​

[bestcurse]

truthfully, miller doesn’t even remember what he had been sad about before he’d met her, tonight. he can remember broken shards of it now; the overwhelming sense of dread that had loomed above him like a darkening cloud, the melancholy that had been carved into his bones, permanently, somehow, as if he’d been carrying around those feelings with him for the entirety of his lifetime. but, with every step alongside her, further away and further away from what he’d left at that party, and into his new direction, with her at this side, he feels them diminishing, squashed by the soles of his shoes. and it’s clear, by the way he consistently turns his head to look over in her direction, a certain tenderness in his gaze, that he’s never had this happen to him, before— hasn’t ever experienced this unexplainable pull towards another person, a feeling that’s so strongly tied around his gut, pulsing through the rest of his frame. supposes that’s why he hadn’t been able to bring himself to say goodbye, just yet, to break for their separate ways. he just wanted to keep talking and talking, about anything, everything— nothing felt like it was off limits, right now. “ so, i think i’ve concluded you don’t have one bone in your body that would allow you to be an axe murder, ” he begins, trace of a smile apparent as he looks at her again, illuminated by the streetlamps they cross under. “ which means i’m pretty certain it’s safe to ask you to go sit on those swings with me, over there, without the risk of, like, being chopped up because there’s no one else around, or anything, ” and it’s a chuckle, then, that departs his lips, a sound that’s only beginning to sound authentic, now that he’s around her. he nods his head in the direction he was meaning, trying to gauge her reaction to the suggestion. but, it’s as he looks at her differently, in this new light, that he’s voicing something that’s been on the tip of his tongue, all night long. “ i know we’ve already spoken about this, but you’re sure we haven’t met before? i don’t know, this probably sounds fucking ridiculous, but i just feel like i know you, like i always have, from somewhere. ” / @hurtingkind​

[bestcurse]

fuck. this was the last thing miller had expected to walk in on— the last thing he had wanted to walk in on, finding the two in the way that they are, in the middle of a tiff. it’s evident upon his countenance, cheeks flushed a subtle crimson as his head bows, serving as a non-verbal apology for his unfortunate timing, as he stands there, alike to a deer caught in headlights. and he doesn’t register it at first, the words that begin their climb up from the depths of his throat, the way his gaze settles upon her, as if searching for any trace of damage that could come from raised voices, barbed words. “ everything okay in here? ” it’s smooth, gentle, even if his body language differs, pushing that much further into the kitchen, their space. a year ago, miller would have never thought he’d be here like this— a trip amongst friends, the both of them able to join, finally in a place where they had both agreed to resume their friendship. what he hadn’t expected, either, was for seeing them together, ring weighing promptly on her finger, to affect him so much, for that wound in his chest to reopen, to intertwine into every other piece of him. and as much as he welcomed the sense of normalcy, of her presence in his life again, he couldn’t deny how much it hurt; how heavy of a reminder it was of all that he’d fucked up in the span of a night, all that he’d lost. he felt it in every joke that they shared, every glance from across the room, every brush of their shoulders, their hands. it wasn’t as it was before— that was something they could never get back. for the sake of maintaining a friendship, however, he pushes it aside, plasters on a persona that shows he’s okay with this, with all that’s changed between them; that she’s getting married, that he isn’t hopelessly in love with her. still, even after all this time. finds it all put on the back burner, anyway, now that he’s intervened in their conversation, jaw taut as if to hide his obvious distaste towards the way she’s been spoken to, not just now but earlier in the night, too. “ shit, sorry— i didn’t mean to interrupt, either. i’ve just been tasked with grabbing another bottle, ” and it’s then that he’s reaching across the counter, hands clasped around the neck of an unopened bottle, cautious glance sent in her direction to determine if she was okay, without garnering any unwanted attention, trying to diffuse any heightened tensions. “ — either of you seen the bottle opener? ” / @hurtingkind​

[bestcurse]

it felt so misplaced, now— all that anger and confusion he once held towards her, that night everything came collapsing down around them; melted away merely from her name flashing across his screen. he hadn’t expected to hear from her, not after they went through so much turbulence during their last interaction, which provides the essence to his surprise when he does, but one quick glance at the time tells him that he shouldn’t have been; he didn’t know another soul that would be up at the same odd hour he is, other than her. and it doesn’t take long, for his eyes to scan over the message she’s sent, to absorb the word emergency, for him to be stopping his current task (which isn’t much, anyway), jacket and shoes pulled on, already heading in the direction of her apartment. with each step, the concrete foundation of his last decision, where he established a boundary they needed to stick to, where he expressed that he couldn’t be there for her in the way they were both accustomed to, crumbles away. it didn’t matter why she needed him, how long it had been since they’d last spoken, the reasoning behind why they weren’t speaking any longer— he’d always be there for her, in some way, would always feel that constant tug towards her. wasn’t as if that had dissipated in their second round of time apart; in fact, he was certain that the feeling would always live with him in some way, no matter how detrimental it was. it’s what has him pausing, now, closed fist raised to the front of her door, as if to determine whether or not he should proceed. but as quick as the doubt seeps in, it vanishes, fist knocking against the frame, because, as he had to remind himself, it didn’t matter; if she needed him, he’d be there, no questions asked. “ dev? ” he calls from the other side, as though he’s making his presence known, rather than letting himself in, like he once might’ve— he wasn’t exactly sure where they stood with that, any longer. “ it’s me... i— do you want me to come in? ” / @hurtingkind​

[bestcurse]

it might not look it from a glance in his direction, but miller can't quite remember the last time he's ever felt this miserable before. parties, he could usually handle— well, he's grown a lot more accustom to them, as of late, now that he's got devon, a kindred spirit to stick by— but tonight she's far out of reach, and he's been pushed towards someone their friends think would be a good match for him, introducing them both in the hopes that they'll hit it off. and it's not as though miller's trying to be rude, but he can't seem to help the way his eyes continue to drift over towards the person of his true affection, seemingly always able to find her, no matter how thick the crowd is, or where she ends up. but, it's here, when longing stares of his own shoot across the room, that confusion begins to settle within his frame, too. he knows that there's something deeper going on between the pair of them; that their illusion of just friends wasn't holding up any longer. truthfully, for him, it hasn't been since that night they shared their first kiss, but it's only in the aftermath of her previous relationship, once it had ended, that the sentiment has really rung true for him. it's stemmed from the nights they've spent glued at the hip; the new discoveries he makes of her each and every day, only liking her all the more, because of it. there's nothing else, really, that he'd like, other than to be directly by her side, right now, continuing to build on what they've already started to develop, but it's as he stands across the other side of the room, stuck in a loop of conversation he barely has an interest in, that he realises nothing's been set in concrete. that they've never had that conversation of exclusivity, or anything of the sort— that actually, this was a completely normal thing for him to be doing, considering he barely knows where he stands with her. and so, maybe with the aid of a few drinks, he finds himself entertaining the other as much as he can; not necessarily to raise feelings of jealously, or anything similar, but more so to garner an understanding of where they stood, what any of the past few weeks have meant. though, as much as he tries to, he can't hold out for very long, soon excusing himself under the guise of getting another drink, but really he's just looking for the excuse to bump into devon, which he does, once he reaches the kitchen. " oh, hey, " he begins, voice a little too casual, considering this is one of the first times he's spoken to her all night long, fingers reaching out for a fresh red cup. " having fun? " / @hurtingkind