A bargain has kept you away from your mate for centuries. Will you finally be able to accept the bond?
(It's quite long, over 12k words...)
“What do you think?” I had to hold myself back from not grabbing Amren’s shoulders and shake the answer out of her. My entire body was trembling, both from exhaustion and stress. Amren’s answer would tell me if it was a good stress or a bad one.
“I don’t know,” Amren answered, clearly turning her mind to find all the knowledge she had on the topic. “It isn’t often the carrier of a blood bargain dies and come back to life.”
I tried to not shoot her an annoyed look. She had just given it all away. Everyone would know it was Rhys they were talking about. Who had been unknowingly keeping me away from me mate for all these centuries.
“What?” I heard the quiet question coming from my brother. I couldn’t decipher if it was fear or confusion tinting the sound of his voice. I also couldn’t turn to meet his gaze. All my focus was on Amren.
“Don’t look at me like that, it’s time he gets to know,” Amren said to her defence.
I hadn’t noticed him moving, but suddenly Azriel’s hand rested on my back. He wrapped his wing so that everyone else from our family, except Amren, were hidden from my view. He’d noticed my stress, my exhaustion. I tried to hold back shivers as his wing graced my arm. His touch was wanted more than anything. “But he did die, and her tattoo is gone,” Azriel spoke softly. It felt like he was doing his best not to get his hopes up. “Isn’t that a sign that the bargain has been broken?”
The tattoo that had sat almost like a collar around my neck for centuries was gone. It felt weird looking at myself, but at the same time it gave so much hope. The bargain tattoo was gone, the bargain had to be broken…right?
“This has never happened before,” Amren repeated. “There is no way of knowing for sure.”
I tried to keep my shoulder from sinking. However, it was impossible to prevent the pain in my heart. This had caused us so much heartache. So much pain and suffering we had to fight through each and every day. I suddenly felt foolish for thinking that it was over. That we should finally be free to love each other loudly.
I felt Azriel’s wing tighten around me. I heard him draw a sharp breath. He was breaking too, silently, hiding it much better than I was.
I turned my head and met his gaze. His magnificent hazel eyes were lined with tears, and the first sob escaped me. I expected it to be the first of many.
However, then Amren spoke.
“It always been your choice, and it will always be your choice,” she began, her voice and gaze softer than I had ever seen them. “You have waited centuries, this might be the only chance you have. This might be the closest you’ll come to know. Maybe it’s worth the risk.”
Amren stopped speaking and her eyes immediately found Varian. Amren had helps me with the research from the start. She had damned me a fool for getting into this situation, and a fool for setting love above all else, but she had helped. It warmed my heart that the female finally got to experience love for herself. I only hoped that I would too.
I remembered back to my apartment in Velaris. Where I had prepared all of Azriel’s favourite foods. If everything went wrong, if Hybern won, I would have winnowed us both to Velaris and I would have made sure to accept the bond. We would die either way, so I figured I might as well die accepting the bond. To finally accept my mate.
“I know what you have prepared,” Amren added softly, looking directly at me. “What you were planning to do, should it all go wrong.”
I still hadn’t decided, but I had understood making such a decision in front of our concerned friends and family probably wasn’t the best idea. I would need to talk to Azriel. We would need to agree. Even though it would be the hardest decision we’d ever make.
I turned around on my heal and grabbed Azriel’s hand. He lowered his wings and turned to stand beside me.
I looked directly into my little brother’s worried eyes. He looked that he was rethinking everything. He had understood something, that was for sure.
“We’ll explain everything,” I started, but then stopped myself. I shouldn’t sound this certain. “We’ll hopefully explain everything, or Amren will.”
I saw their mouths open but winnowed away before I could hear their demands for answers.
We landed in the middle of my kitchen, my knees instantly buckled. Winnowing directly after finishing a war was more than my body could handle.
Azriel’s arms instantly caught me. He used his foot to drag out a chair and helped me into it. Both of us stayed silent as he moved a chair and sat down before me. His gaze was at the food.
“I spent all of yesterday cooking,” I explained with a sad laugh. However, the second I started speaking, something inside me broke. “I can’t do this anymore. The uncertainty, the hope that breaks time and time again, it’s too much for me.”
Azriel’s hands cupped my face. Shadows swirled down his arms and into my hair.
“I say we do it,” he told me confidently. “Amren’s right. This is probably the closest we’ll get to an answer. I don’t think I can wait another second.”
His hands started trembling, and a shadow dried a tear from his eyes.
“If it fails, it’ll still be worth it. I’ll regret nothing. All these years, I’ve stood by your side and I’m proud of us and what we are. If this is the end, I’m not scared.”
I leaned deeper into his touch, unable to speak through the emotions building in my chest. I took a few deep breaths to collect myself, before I spoke.
“We’ve done the best out of the worst, and I’m honoured to have done it with you.” I carefully take his hands away from my face and into my own hands. My thumb tracing his biggest scars. “I still remember the day I first met you. How I felt sick in the head for crushing on a sixteen-year-old.”
I had just finished my last exam for the semester and the last exam for my degree. Spring was turning into summer in Velaris, and I was almost a little too excited about seeing my mother.
She lived in Windhaven together with my little brother and his two friends. I had never been one for fighting, so I couldn’t say I was jealous at them living in a war-camp, however I missed my mother.
While I spent most of my days at campus or out with friends, I still lived at the House of Wind with my father. My father always supported my decisions, but that was about it. My father was only my father, my mother was my best friend.
The flight to Windhaven was still familiar, even though I hadn’t been there in years. Mother and Rhys would come home for the holidays, and I hadn’t been able to take enough time off my studies to visit.
The flying felt freeing and comfortable, but the breaks I had to take told me I had to exercise more. Now that I had finished my degree, I hopefully would be able to.
I landed in the woods behind the house. Smoke was coming from the chimney. I felt my shoulders lower, remembering back to all the summers Mother and I used to spend together at the house. It symbolized a comforting and happy childhood.
I stood outside the door, suddenly unsure if I should knock or just walk in and say hallo. They knew I was coming.
However, I didn’t need to make the decision. Suddenly the door flew open, quick enough that I had to hold my hands up to stop it from hitting me.
“Y/N!” My little brother’s voice sounded behind the door. “Let me out!”
I laughed at how he already was annoyed at me. When we last met at Starfall, he had transitioned into a proper moody teen.
Not in the mood to annoy him further, I opened stepped back from the door and allowed him out. I think I expected a hug or at least a welcome, however he only grabbed my hand and pulled me into the house.
“We’re starving,” he muttered and he dragged me into the kitchen.
I tried my best not to start teasing him over his mood. I couldn’t recall being that moody myself when I was a teen, but I probably was. I just felt weird seeing my brother, who is still five in my head, being a moody teen.
Mother stood up from the dining table and immediately embraced me. I felt myself lean deep into her chest. I had spent the last couple of months writing and writing and writing. I was exhausted and my mother’s embrace felt comforting.
“Staaaaarving,” Rhys said once more and I had to laugh. Not at him, but at the way our mother, who was the most patient woman I had ever met, rolled her eyes and gave me a smile.
Mother turned to sit down at the table. Rhys and one other boy were already serving themselves with soup, while Mother and the last boy waited patiently. The boy who had already started eating looked stronger than my brother, he was probably taler too. He had a big bruise on his face, which made him look similar to all the other Illyrian boys his age.
The other boy was currently looking directly at me, his eyes wide with a beautiful hazel colour. He looked smaller, and kinder. Cute. He was absolutely adorable. He sat there, covered in shadows who seemed like they were more intrigued in me than anything else. They were pulling away from him, but he held them back.
He was Azriel, the shadowsinger. I had heard about him, however I hadn’t expected him to look so…
What the caldron am I thinking??? He’s sixteen.
I held back from slapping my own face. I had to be more delirious than I thought.
However, I wasn’t delirious. Because as Azriel grew, he got even more…hot. We still hadn’t talked much. He was 25 by the time we had our first proper conversation. And cauldron, he made me laugh like no other. He had moved into Velaris, while Rhys and Cass were still at the Illyrian camps, Azriel was a spy. And a very good one as well. But he was still young, so I kept my distance.
It had been the most ordinary day I could imagine. I woke up a little too late. Ended up winnowing instead of flying to be at work at time. I had done many different jobs throughout the years. But the last two I had been working at the library. Working with archiving perhaps wasn’t what people expected from the daughter of a High Lord, but I loved it.
The day went as usual, and during lunch we were gossiping about all the people we knew that were getting married.
“Y/n, haven’t your father found you a handsome prince?” one of my colleagues asked teasingly.
“Eee, nooooo. I’m not planning on marrying until I’m at least 50. Which means I have 15 years left.”
She looked back at me with confusion, but the topic soon changed. In hindsight, I should have known.
I had made sure to take all the opportunities I had the second I got them. Even though I trusted my father, I also knew he was under a lot of pressure. Marrying me away to another court would be a good way of getting deals with the other High Lords. My father knew I really didn’t want to, and he had respected that this far. I hoped he’d respect it forever. I was always afraid my freedom would be taken from me. I had spoken to enough high-fae females to know I had much more freedom than most of them ever had. I would not take it for granted.
That’s why I had travelled a little, studied to get a degree, learned how to use my powers and learned how to cook, dance and sew. I wanted all the opportunities.
After work, I flew back up to the House and started walking towards the dining room. My mother moved back in permanently after Rhys and the others passed the blood rite, and we’d have daily family dinners since. It was just the two of us most of the time, but father joined sometimes.
This was one of the days where father would join, and he expected me to be on time. I was always running late, so this was a struggle.
On the way to the dining room, I walked past the smaller library and saw Azriel. I naturally stopped to say hello. He looked super concentrated and his shadows swirled restlessly around him. He looked as adorable was always. Just the sight of him took my breath away.
“Hello, Azriel,” I spoke softly. I for some reason felt scared to spook him, even though he’s shadows probably let him know I was there a long time ago. “I have to go to dinner, but I thought I should say hello…so yeah, hello, for the third time.”
A smile grew on his lips, but he didn’t look up at me until he had finish reading the sentence he was on.
He lifted his head and started speaking. I saw his lips move, but I didn’t hear him. I only heard:
I felt my hands fall to my side and my jaw fall open. Holy shit.
Azriel’s smile fell and turned into confusion. His lips moved again, but I still didn’t hear anything.
Azriel was my mate. I had found my mate. Of course Azriel was my mate, it was the most natural thing in the world.
My gaze snapped up again. Had I been looking at his lips? Of course I had, he was my mate.
Should I tell him? Did he know? He probably didn’t. Holy shit.
I distantly heard the clock chiming and realized I was late…again.
“I…I’m late for dinner!” I almost yelled as I ran towards the dining room, almost stepping on my dress and falling.
When did I turn back into a teenager???
However, I stopped a couple of meters from the door to the dining room. I looked around, making sure no one was watching, before I started jumping like crazy and letting out a quiet squeal.
AZRIEL IS MY MATE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I then stopped, made sure I looked at least semi presentable, and walked into the dining room.
I stopped abruptly at the door when I saw my mother crying. My father looked gravely, but not sad or heartbroken the way my mother did.
“No,” my mother spoke. “I refuse. You can’t do this.”
My ecstatic mood changed drastically. I rarely saw my mother cry. She always stayed strong for me and the boys.
My mother turned to me, and I saw the panic in her eyes.
“Leave, Y/n,” she almost snapped. It was so very unusual for her to speak to me like that. I didn’t think twice as I turned around to leave the room.
“No, Y/n,” my father’s icy voice sounded. “You’re staying.”
Cauldron, this was bad. Not only did my mother cry, but she was also telling me to go against my father’s orders. She had never ever done that before. At least not in front of me.
I stopped as I stood in the entrance, his voice was so cold, it was impossible to not do what he asked.
I slowly turned around once more.
“Is everything alright? Is Rhys okay?”
I figured something was wrong with Rhys. Mother wouldn’t cry in front of us unless she was absolutely heartbroken. We had talked about it multiple times. She had explained that picturing me or Rhys in pain was the worst thing she could ever imagine.
“Your brother is doing fine,” my father answered, but he sounded almost annoyed. “We have a lot to talk about, Y/n.”
“Me? What did I do?” I asked, looking directly at him. I suddenly felt like a child again. I always did when my father stood like this before me. I felt helpless and like everything I did was wrong. “I was only a couple of minutes late, that’s not that bad to be-”
“I have arranged a marriage for you,” my father interrupted me. However, as his words sunk, I realized quite quickly it wasn’t my father that spoke, it was the High Lord.
“W-What?” I thought back to the conversation at work earlier today. My colleagues had known, they had probably seen a record of it. Stupid, stupid, stupid. “No.”
My voice was quiet and almost breaking. A marriage? To whom?
I didn’t think as I sank down in one of the chairs. It was the craziest day of my life. How can such a normal day go so wrong.
And to think that I was dancing in happiness outside only seconds ago.
I heard some speaking and yelling but didn’t realize what was happening until the door to the dining room smashed closed. I was alone with my father.
He let out a big sigh and sat down in the chair across from me.
“As you know, Keir has been mad at us ever since Morrigan’s marriage with the Autumn boy didn’t work out,” he started explaining. He spoke quietly, almost softly, as if he didn’t really want to hurt me. I opened my mouth, ready to ask what the fuck that had to do with me, but he silenced me by lifting his hand. “Let me speak. Keir has threatened to end their alliance with us, and if we didn’t comply, he’d start a war. As I’m sure you understand, if they would have happened Velaris would have been in danger of being revealed. I couldn’t risk that, you understand that right?”
I only staired at him with my mouth open. It wasn’t a joke. He had actually arranged me a marriage.
“No, what the hell???” slipped out of me before I could speak.
“Stop being this emotional,” the High Lord continued and I stopped speaking. Not from respect, not anymore, but from total anger. I had never experienced such a feeling before. “My advisers suggested you were to marry a darkbringer potion-maker, and Keir was ecstatic. He immediately stopped his threatening.”
“Fuck no,” I almost spat and stood up. Starting to pace the room. “So, you just agreed? Tell me, High Lord, what. Did. You. Do?”
“It was the only solution.”
I almost barked out a laugh.
“The only solution? Are you joking me? I can think of ten other solutions right now. First, did you try telling him no???? You’re the High Lord for fucks sake, you shouldn’t let him dictate you like this.”
“I did it to protect Velaris-”
“Ah, no. Absoluetly not. You did it because you’re a scared coward that didn’t dare to speak against your stupid cousin!” I almost yelled in frustration. “I’m not marrying some random potion-maker, you can forget it.”
“I wasn’t asking, Y/n.” He still spoke just as softly, but it still felt like a punch to the stomach. He wasn’t asking. He had already chosen it. Chosen everything. “I’ve been patient with you. You have gotten many years to explore and be indepented-“
“YOU MARRIED AT 900 YEARS!!!” I threw my arms out in frustration. “I’m 35, that’s nothing!”
“Lower your voice, I’m trying to have a conversation. You’re a female, Y/n. A female being unmarried at 35 is unheard of. Definitely as a High Lord’s daughter.”
“I’m the only daughter of a High Lord! There hasn’t been another daughter in centuries!”
“And therefore, we need to thread carefully not to be looked upon as weak. I’m glad you understand.”
“UNDERSTAND?” His icy gaze made me draw a sharp breath. Time to calm down. Calm down, Y/n, you can do it. “I do not understand, and I will not understand. I am not going to marry this male, that’s out of the question. It doesn’t matter anyway, because I have found my mate and I will marry him.”
I left out the part that my mate didn’t know of the mating bond, or at least he didn’t know that I knew. I didn’t bother telling my father the whole truth, because this was my only way out. He refused to hear me out.
“A mate?” he repeated. The only sign of shook he wore was the way his eyes widened slightly. “Who?”
“Azriel,” I answered without thinking. Then, a small smile grew on my face. Azriel was my mate. Beautiful, kind, amazing Azriel was my mate. It felt so good to say aloud. My mate. I didn’t let myself fall into the thoughts that Azriel might not want me, I didn’t let myself. He’d had to want me for this plan to work. “Azriel is my mate, and I intent on accepting the bond.”
I was expecting a “congratulation”, a couple of questions asking how Azriel was treating me, and maybe a hug.
“That’s a pitty,” my father replied and I gave him a confused look. “I have enjoyed the help of a shadowsinger.”
“What are you talking about?” I asked, and tried to conceal my confusion.
“You can’t have a mate when you’re marrying another male,” he told me as if it was the most obvious thing ever. “We’ll have to kill him.”
I didn’t even think as I moved to cover the door. As if the High Lord was going to kill his spy himself.
“You don’t lay a hand on him,” I told him. My voice sounded foreign, I was so furious. “You don’t hurt him.”
“Y/n, if you could just-” he started to speak as he stood up.
“If you come a step closer,” I started, unsure where I would go with the sentence. “I…I’ll hurt you.”
I watch him let out a sigh as he rubbed his forehead. He was disappointed, that was clear.
“I’m a daemati, sweetheart, the guards are already on their way.”
I turned to run out the door, but he grabbed me. He held me around my waist as I kicked and screamed.
I dug deep into myself and towards my own daemati-powers. Using them, and the newly formed mating bond, I reached out to Azriel’s mind.
His shields were solid, but I had yet to find a shield I couldn’t get through. I pushed through, knowing it probably hurt him, but I was too scared to think.
“You need to run, please! Run!”
I was about to explain more, when I felt a punch to my head. It almost felt like I fell out of Azriel’s mind, as my father’s grip around me disappeared and I collapsed on the ground. A punch. My father had just punched me.
What was going on with this day? Was it all just hallucination?
“Promise you’ll never be with him, promise you’ll never have a romantic relationship with him, and I’ll let him live.”
I didn’t allow myself to hesitate.
“Promise you’ll never end your marriage,” he continued.
“I promise,” I sobbed back.
I realized too late that it wasn’t just an ordinary bargain the High Lord proposed. It was a blood bargain. I didn’t react other than curling myself into a ball, and started sobbing, as my father painted my forehead with blood. The blood from the punch to my head, mixed with his own blood made the bargain eternal. It made it a bargain that would travel through direct relatives. When my father died, the bargain would keep on living through Rhys, and when Rhys died, his children would be the carrier. Only if Rhys died without a child would the bargain be broken.
I didn’t want to imagine a world where Rhys were dead, while Az and I kept on living.
I distantly heard my father step out of the dining room, while I stayed on the ground, sobbing louder than I thought possible. I had maybe saved Azriel, but I had doomed us both. Forever.
The second his lips were against mine, the anger grew so extreme I managed to break into the High Lord’s mental shields.
I had spent the entire ceremony trying, but I was too overwhelmed to manage to use my powers to their full advantage.
I had never wanted a big wedding. Never. Ever since I was a child, love had seemed the most powerful when sacred. I had never understood the plays where the characters screamed from the rooftops. But I had loved the lovers in the background, giving each other small, comforting looks.
I therefore didn’t bother voicing my wishes after the High Lord decided the wedding was to be in front of the whole of Prythian. He had chosen and paid for the location, and my husband to be had chosen my wedding dress. It was white…do I have to say more?
I had been gaslighting myself for the last two weeks from I got to learn about the wedding. I was happy about it. I was happy about the wedding. I had saved Azriel, and that made it all worth it. I had saved my mate.
Marrying someone else also meant I was formally off the marked, which meant Azriel wouldn’t want me. Or, at least I hoped so. I had made the choice for both of us. I had made the choice that we were never to be together. I would do anything to make sure he didn’t resent me for it. At the same time, the marriage to someone else made it easier for him to not want me, hopefully.
I therefore never told him about the mating bond. I stood in front of him, Rhys and Cass and told them I was happy about the marriage.
I lied straight to their faces, of course, but it was worth it. I told myself it was worth it.
My husband’s name was Hemlock Reed. I met him for the first time thirty minutes ago, and now his disgusting lips were against mine. His were chapped, while mine wore multiple layers of lip gloss, per his request.
He smelled like alcohol and dirt, but looked somewhat presentable.
He would never be Azriel.
Which is why the extreme anger hidden inside me grew even more. I had hidden it quite well, people thought the tears that fell from my eyes were from happiness and not anger and heartbreak.
The second my powers made their way through the High Lord’s mental shields, I saw him wincing in the side of my eye.
And while my new husband’s lips tasted mine, I spoke into my former father’s head:
“I’ll never forgive you for this.”
“I can’t believe I didn’t realize that’s when the mating bond snapped for you,” Azriel announced. His hands were still cradling my face as we talked through memory after memory.
“I was so angry when it happened for you, I had no idea,” I responded, leaning deeper into his comforting touch.
“I think that’s the only time you have sworn at me,” Azriel mentioned with a laugh.
The first years went fine. Hemlock forced me to cut all contact with my family, but I had expected that, and decided to turn off my feelings. I got a week of beginner luck, and then the whole society started to hate me. I wore too cheap clothes or too expensive ones, I spoke too much or too little, I smiled too much or too little. I could do nothing right.
Which is why, after five years, I still had no friends. Zero. I attended daily balls, made food for all the males that were coming to speak to Hemlock, and I had tea with the wives. At the end of each day, I wrote down lists over what to improve.
The list turned into an entire notebook and then two, and I eventually gave up.
Until some of the others got a new wife what hadn’t grown up in the society, I would be the victim. And it was rare for that to happen.
Which is also the reason why I had nowhere to go when my husband came home drunk and decided to use me as a punching bag.
The war was just starting, and he was under a lot more stress than usual. He came home and asked me to “Get the fuck out”. However, I had nowhere to go. I opted to hide in our library, but when he found me there. He wasn’t happy.
I fell asleep that evening, curled into a ball on the floor.
I thought back to last time that happened. Only once before had someone hurt me intentionally.
I felt the intense anger grow in my chest once more. It had become a familiar feeling by now.
I welcomed it. I’d rather be angry than feel nothing. I’d rather scream and punch and destroy things than be unable to get out of bed.
I had put myself in this situation by trusting that my father had my best interests in mind. I was proved wrong time and time again.
Which is why I glamoured myself and winnowed straight to Velaris for the first time in five years.
Hemlock didn’t know about the city, so he’d never allow me to go. If we were meeting my family, it would either be in Hewn or at the Moonstone Palace.
Later I regretted not taking some time looking at the city I loved the most. I regretted not walking the Rainbow, as Rhys and I called it, and not eating some food.
However, I was blinded by the rage. I winnowed to right above the House, stretched out my wings for the first time in forever, and used them to land safely. Hemlock didn’t like my wings, he never had. Everything he saw them, his mood got worse. Which is why I hid them almost all the time. I hadn’t flown other than small distanced in five years. It was painful to use them now.
But the pain was better than nothing.
I felt like the world champion in speedwalking as I made my way to the High Lord’s office. Guards stood outside the door, but they didn’t bother stopping me as I rushed past them and threw the door open.
The High Lord’s eyes widened, and the other person in the room turned to look at me. I didn’t look back.
“Out,” I spat as I pointed at the door. I still only looked at the High Lord. He looked almost scared to see me.
“GET THE FUCK OUT,” I yelled, and looked at the male this time. It was like a bucket of cold water hit me. It was Azriel. His concerned hazel eyes looked deep into mine, visibly asking if I was okay. His shadows swirled anxiously. It was like they knew the pain I was feeling. Like they knew my clothes were ripped under the glamour. That it was visible how my eyes were swollen, from both tears and the punches.
And I just wanted to break down into his arms. I wanted to sob and beg. I had imagined what it would be like to be held by him. Every time Hemlock held me, I imagined it was Azriel. I imagined his wings, arms and shadows around me. I sometimes wrapped my own wings around me, pretending it was Azriel’s.
It took all the anger in me to not break at the sight of him. At the sight of his worry.
“Please leave, Azriel,” I spoke softer this time. “I need to speak to the High Lord. It will only take a minute or two.”
Azriel didn’t seem any less worried as he left the room. I turned to close the door behind him.
“Y/n, what do you think you’re-”
The High Lord stopped speaking the second I turned around. My ripped and bloodied clothes was the first that met him. My glamour was gone. My arms were full of smaller cuts, I had one bigger one on my stomach. My face had multiple bruises, and my left eyes was almost closed from the swelling.
“I’m here to show you that you married me off to a horrible male. A male that told me to get the fuck out, knowing I had nowhere to go, only to be mad when I didn’t.”
I started pacing the room.
“He’s been lacing my food with faebane, did you know? Because he wanted to see if he could stop me from having my wings out. He only stopped when he realized the faebane made it impossible for me to use my powers to hide my wings. He’s stupid.”
The High Lord started speaking, but I didn’t let him.
“I live a life of constant bullying. I can’t do anything right. I have no one on my side. They all expect me to have been raised to Hewn City standard when it comes to the Society. I didn’t lean any of it, I’ll have you know. Not a single thing.”
I stopped, only to step closer to him. He looked at me as if I was mad. I probably was.
“I hope you’re happy. I hope you realized your cowardness ruined my life. And I hope you know that the day I chose to kill myself, it will be your fault!”
I didn’t bother waiting for his belittling response before I turned to walk out. I had to get back before Hemlock realized I was gone. I glamoured myself again as I opened the door.
I forced myself to walk right by Azriel on the way out. I heard him say my name, but I couldn’t stop. I wouldn’t be able to keep myself together if I looked into his eyes once more.
I couldn’t allow myself to show him how unhappy I truly was. If he liked me back, which I didn’t know for sure he did, but thought he did, I couldn’t cause him more pain than I already had.
Which is also why my last threat to the High Lord wasn’t a real one. I would never kill myself. I wouldn’t make Azriel go through the pain of losing a mate. I’d already forced him to lose me in one way, I wouldn’t cause him more pain.
I did it all for my mate, hoping it would be worth it one day, expect I knew that was impossible.
I didn’t allow myself to hesitate or to cry. The ball had just started when the news arrived.
The High Lord and his mate are dead.
Suddenly, everyone was looking at me. Suddenly, they didn’t see me as someone to bully, but their eyes were filled with pity.
All the important people, including Hemlock, were rushing to have a meeting. He told me to go home, but I refused.
I tried to reach out to my little brother, to the new High Lord, but my powers were weakened. Hemlock and his soldiers were testing out a new potion for stopping magical powers, and he figured I wouldn’t mind trying it.
Which is also why I miserable failed at winnowing. Cauldron, I was exhausted.
I was prepared to fly all the way to Velaris, but I quickly realized I didn’t need to.
Cool and comforting shadows swirled around me, and one second I was in the ball room, the next we were in free fall above the House. I was about to scream, realizing my dress prevented my wings to stretch out, when Azriel’s arms tightened around my waist.
If I hadn’t been as filled with worry, confusion and grief, I would have savoured the moment. I had dreamt of his arms around me for what felt like all my life.
The second our feet hit the ground, I ran. Ran to my brother who was on the floor, hyperventilating.
I fell to my knees before him, crushing him into my arms.
“It’s okay,” I whispered, brushing my fingers through his hair. “It’s gonna be okay. Breathe Rhys, I need you to breathe for me.”
He only started to sob louder. It was heartbreaking. He was heaping for breaths and eventually threw up.
“Shhh,” I tried my best to calm him down. I took deep audible breaths and hoped he would manage to join me. If not, he would pass out soon. “It’s going to be okay.”
Rhys buried himself deeper into my embrace and eventually managed to control his breath. I don’t know how long we stayed there. I eventually looked around to see Az and Cass crying as well. They’d lost their mother too, in a way.
“Come here,” I whispered to them, and opened my arms.
They hesitated but eventually joined us on the floor. It was one big embrace. And we all stayed there as long as we needed to. I held all of them, knowing they needed someone to comfort them now.
Eventually, Rhys was the first to leave. He apologized and went to his bedroom. He was overwhelmed. He had lost both parents and suddenly become High Lord. He wasn’t even 200. He was younger than we’d all liked him to be when the title got passed down to him.
“I’ll check on him,” Cassian suddenly spoke. He dried some more of his tears as he left.
I was alone with Azriel. For the first time in over 150 years.
I had kept my eyes dry until now. I had shut my feelings off, just as I had taught myself. Azriel’s gaze broke me.
His eyes were red from crying, but they still looked directly at me, filled with worry. He worried about me. He hesitated, but he wanted to comfort me.
“I’m okay,” I whispered to him.
“No,” he stated. “You’re not.”
One second, he sat beside me, and the next his arms, wings and shadows held me in a tight embrace. An embrace I had been dreaming of forever.
“No, I’m not,” I sobbed into his chest.
“What an honour for you to grace us with your presence, High Lord,” I heard Hemlock say and I almost dropped the dinner on the floor.
“What the hell are you doing here?” I used my powers to easily get through his mental shields.
“Can’t I just visit my sister for no special reason?”
I sat down the dinner and slowly walked into the hallway. What was he doing here? By the icy look Hemlock sent my way, I realized he probably thought I knew Rhys was coming.
“Brother,” I spoke kindly. “What a pleasant surprise.”
However, it wasn’t only Rhys. A couple of steps behind my little brother stood Cass and Az. They looked as deadly as always.
“Sweetheart, why don’t you prepare some more food for our guests while I entertain them,” Hemlock pretended to ask. However, we all knew it was a command. His annoyed gaze hit me, and I didn’t bother protest.
This was one of my worst fears. For my brother, for Azriel, to see me like this. Like the good little wife I had become.
“Of course, dear,” I answered with a fake smile.
I felt too ashamed to look into my brother’s eyes again. I just walked straight back into the kitchen. I felt Rhys’ touch on my mental shields, but I didn’t let him in.
I had already spent two hours in the kitchen, because Hemlock wanted this specific dish I had never made before. I had also only made two portions, because we were only supposed to be two.
I spent some time cutting vegetables into really small pieces, so that they’d cook quicker. I suspected I had about thirty minutes before Hemlock demanded dinner.
He ended up only giving me twenty minutes to prepare something new for our guests. I watched them from the kitchen door as they sat down and started to eat. Or at least I thought they started to eat.
When I finished the plain vegetable soup a couple of minutes later, I noticed how only Hemlock was eating. Rhys, Cass and Az sat patiently and waited for me to join.
I used my powers to reach into all three of their minds.
“Thank you,” I told them gratefully as I sat down at the table in between Hemlock and Azriel.
I looked around and noticed how all the food I had spent two hours making were already distributed on the plates of the males. There was no left for me. It was obvious how Hemlock had plated the food for the others. I had to admit, it hurt, but I didn’t let it get to me. I was used to it by now. I wasn’t a rare occurrence that I ended up with only some bread for dinner, because Hemlock and all his unexpected guests had eaten all the food.
I reached for my plate and was about to serve myself some soup, when Azriel stopped me, not by word, but by action. He carefully took my plate and exchange it with his own. Giving me his part of the much better dinner. He then gave himself soup.
He had started eating before Hemlock could protest.
I small smile grew on my face, but I did my best to hide it. We had maybe only had a couple of conversations, and a few shared hugs, but I loved Azriel. I would always love Azriel. And he proved why, again and again.
“You’re sure you want to stay here, Y/n?” Rhys asked into my mind.
And then the moment was over. My smile fell and the heavy feeling of anger and disappointment filled me. Of course I didn’t want to stay. Of course I’d rather go home. But I couldn’t.
“Yes,” I answered, but even my mental voice was shaking. “I have gotten used to this life now, I’d like to stay here for now.”
Rhys didn’t look convinced, but he didn’t pry. He allowed me to make what he thought was my own choice.
“You know, I was seconds away from flying back to Hewn that evening and take you home. I didn’t believe you for one second.”
“I know you didn’t,” I replied truthfully.
“I did actually dance and fly around in happiness when Hemlock died,” Azriel remembered hesitantly.
I didn’t really remember how I ended up at the House. I must have winnowed? Or flown? My wings were basically useless at this point, but maybe the adrenaline made them work.
I sat in down in a couch. It was new, I had never seen it before. I leaned back for what felt like the first time in forever. I made my body relax.
He was dead. He had actually died.
I hated myself for thinking “finally”.
Hemlock died as he tried to invent a new drug and was honoured like a god. I was a widow. That’s what you become when your husband die. You become a widow.
But widows were supposed to be sad. I wasn’t sad.
I looked down on my black dress. Black was the only thing I had worn the last week. I was expected to only wear black for the rest of the decade. That was Hewn Society rules. I didn’t really mind black, but now that I was forced to wear it, it felt suffocating.
I remembered how the females in the Society had walked into my house and removed all clothes with even a hint of colour. They had stripped the place of personality.
Because Hemlock was dead, and he was to be respected and honoured like a god. He was to-
“Y/n?” My gaze snapped up to meet the eyes of my brother who looked at me from the entrace to the living room. It looked like he was only planning on walking past the room, but stopped when he saw me. He was surprised, which made sense since I had suddenly showed up without warning. That had only happened once before, and he was fighting in the war then. “What are you doing here? Are you okay?”
“Yeah,” I answered distantly. I had begun to sone out on the wall behind him. “Didn’t you get my letter?”
He suddenly crunched down before me, which startled me since I hadn’t noticed him moving. Carefully, he laid his hand on my knee. I was still too deep in my thoughts to look at him.
“No, I didn’t get any letter,” he explained.
“Oh…I must have sent it to the Moonstone Palace by mistake,” I thought aloud. “Yeah, that must be it.”
“Y/n, can you tell me what you wrote in the letter?” Rhys asked very patiently. It was like he was speaking to a child.
“He’s dead,” was my only answer. I both felt and saw Rhys straighten beside me. “I-I invited you to the funeral.”
He’s dead. He’s dead. He’s dead.
Hemlock’s dead, and there is no longer anything keeping me from having to see Azriel every day. There is no longer something keeping us apart, except for the invisible bargain that I thought about all day every day. The bargain I agreed too and destroyed my life in the process. I wasn’t stupid, I noticed how Azriel was looking at me. And I knew countless stories from male mates, who didn’t get to be with their mates. How they freaked out and felt their life was torture.
I’m the worst fae to have ever lived. I started sobbing
“No, you’re not! What makes you say that?” Rhys exclaimed, and I realized I had spoken aloud. Rhys moved to sit in the couch beside me. He grabbed my arms tightly before he whispered: “Y/n…did you kill him?”
“No!” I answered with a crying laugh. Remembering how the blood bargain also made me promise not to end the marriage, and while I didn’t know if killing Hemlock would count as “ending” the marriage, I didn’t want to test it. “He died making some sort of potion that turned out to be highly poisonous.”
“Then you’re definitely not the worst fae alive,” Rhys spoke again, now brushing through my hair to sooth me. “Come on, let’s get some food and talk.”
Rhys had to basically lift me up on my feet. He held one arm around my waist and helped me all the way to the kitchen.
On the way, we passed both Mor, Cass and Azriel. Azriel.
I started sobbing once more.
I’m the worst. I’m the worst. I’m the worst.
“Just talk to me,” he almost yelled. Azriel almost yelled. We stood on the balcony of the House, and I was on my way back into the library. Azriel never yelled. At least not at me. “You keep saying you can’t. If I ask, you never say “no”. You never decline! You say you’re sorry and that you can’t. Why? What is it that makes me so awful to you.”
Ice fell down my spine. No, no, no. Please no.
“Awful??” I asked, and I was already crying. “I don’t think you’re awful. You’ve never been awful.”
“Then why?” he asked with tears in his own eyes. His hands were shaking and he looked exasperated. “You care for me. You laugh with me. You smile the second I enter a room. You know my favourite treats, my favourite food and books. You know when I’m feeling sad and you make it all better with just one look. Your smile makes my entire life worth living. And you love me back, and you want me. You fucking moaned my name, Y/n. The shadows hear it. They hear it and they tell me. They beg for me to be with you. They beg for you to give our bond a chance! Please. What do I need to do?”
“Please, Az,” I spoke with a shaky voice. I didn’t know I had been that bad at hiding my feelings. “It’s nothing you can do, you’re perfect. You’re the most amazing mate I could ever ask for. But-”
“But why? Please, Y/n, please just tell me what’s going on. I’m going crazy.”
“I can’t,” I sink down to the ground, my head in my hands. “I can’t”
He fell down to his knees before me. His hands grabbed my arms and tore them from my face.
“I’m begging you, Y/n, I’m begging you for a chance. Please let me. Please let us try. I know you want it. You try to hide it, but I know you. Please-”
He stopped speaking the second my powers touched his mental shield. I couldn’t do it anymore. It had been a decade of living in the same house. Of seeing each other every single day. A decade of wanting to kiss him, and touching him, make him laugh and make him smile. A decade of knowing I’d never be able to do those things, not in the way I wished for.
I would show him, and then I would leave.
I’d leave to the continent and create a new life for myself.
I’d not be able to live in Velaris knowing how mad Azriel would be. I’d destroyed everything. I was the worst mate, and he deserved so much better. He’d be angry and I’m not sure I’d ever be able to look him in the eyes again. I was torturing him.
He opened his shields, welcoming me home.
I took a shaky breath and showed him everything. I showed him how the bond snapped, and how I went straight into what would become the worst moment of my life. I showed him the total fear when I realized the High Lord wanted to kill him. I showed him how I got punched and agreed to the blood bargain. The bargain that made it impossible for me to ever be with Azriel romantically.
However, I also showed him how my heart danced every time I saw him. How I didn’t feel calm when he wasn’t near. How he was the one I wanted every time my husband had touched me.
Azriel hugged me, tightly.
We sat on the floor of the balcony, his arms almost suffocating me, but it was a good kind of suffocation.
He held me and breathed. Tightened the embrace and breathed even deeper.
“Please, say something,” I spoke quietly.
He let out a rough breath. I first then noticed how his breaths had turned shaky. How his shadows seemed to cover us more than usual.
I carefully looked up from the embrace. I expected to see him mad, almost furious. However, I should have known. He wasn’t mad at all, he was heartbroken.
His eyes were distant. He was in deep thought. And tears fell from his eyes and down onto my face.
“You don’t dare apologize, Y/n,” he interrupted me. Azriel had always had this specific way of saying my name. It had always sounded softer from his lips than from anyone else. However, now he was stern. “Who knows about this?”
“No one,” I answered, unable to hide the shame in my voice. “No one knows.”
“You should have told me, Y/n,” he spoke once more.
“Stop that,” he interrupted me once more. “I’m not mad. Not at you. I-I down know what I’m feeling right now.” I met his gaze and my heart fell deep into my stomach as he let go of me. He moved his arms from around my waist, to my arms as he help me up on my feet. He then stepped back, and even though it was only half a step, it felt like we were a millennium apart. “I need to think.”
He gave me a small nod and turned to walk away.
Never in my life had I felt such loneliness.
“What are you doing?” Azriel spoke from behind me. I don’t know how, but I did know he had entered my room. I also knew the shadows that followed me seemed almost angry. Azriel said they were looking out for me without his command, but I sometimes liked to think he found comfort in them clinging to me. I certainly loved having the shadows close. A part of him, when I couldn’t have the rest.
“I’m packing,” I answered without looking at him. It had been a week since the incident on the balcony. A week where meeting Azriel’s eyes had been too hard for me.
I had hurt him. I didn’t deserve to look in his eyes.
I threw the t-shirt I was holding down on the pile of clothes in front of me. I spun around on my heals and looked at my mate for the first time in a week.
“To the continent,” I replied. He was nervous, no, worried. Azriel stood with his back straight, his wings tight and his lips tighter. His shadows were swirling around, noticing all the clothes and belongings I was looking at. His eyes sometimes followed the shadows, sometimes looked other places in the room. But he didn’t look at me.
“Azriel,” I answered with a sigh. Not an annoyed one, but an exhausted one. “I can’t do this anymore. It’s too hard. I want you, I want you so badly. I…It’s too much for me seeing you all the time knowing I could never be yours.”
“You’re not leaving,” he answered. “Not right now.”
“No, please, just listen. I understand, I really do. But I need you to stay here. Please.”
“What’s going on?” I asked, worry laced my voice. He was almost begging, it worried me. I felt the need to hold him, not that it was a new need. I hated seeing him like that and I would do anything to make him feel better.
“I just found out, after 250 years, that my mate doesn’t hate me. That you want me just as badly as I want you. And I know we can’t…But I also know we’re in this together. A-and it might be stupid and weird and possessive, but I want you here. I need you here. Please. I need you to stay.”
His entire posture and expression showed signs of despair. It felt like me leaving was the end of the world. Maybe it was…
“Okay,” I answered softly. His eyes widened a little, as if he expected to have to beg me more to stay. I gave him a small smile, but if was filled with all kinds of emotions. “Of course I’ll stay.”
He just stood and looked at me for a while, before he gave me a firm nod. He then opened his mouth, as if he wanted to say something, but quickly closed it again. He shook his head and left the room.
Azriel needed me close, and then I wouldn’t hesitate to stay close.
We’d figure it out. I wasn’t alone with it anymore.
“Still nothing?” he asked almost the second I walked into the library.
I just shook my head and sat the wine bottle down on the table, together with two glasses.
It had become our thing. Once a year, on the 9th of June, we would meet in the library after everybody had gone to sleep, and we would talk. Talk about everything that happened the past year. All the hopes and dreams we had. Everything we wanted to share with each other and no one else. The wine helped to stop the crying.
We’d keep apart for the rest of the year. We’d still meet when our entire family was gathering, but never just the two of us.
We tried, and it had been nice for about a year. Eventually we realized that being just friends wasn’t possible for us.
“I’ve looked through the library twice, and so has Amren,” I said with a sigh as I sat down in the couch next to him. It felt nice, but unusual to sit so close to him. “The only way to break the bargain is if Rhys dies. I’m then the closest relative, so I’d be the carrier, but since the bargain is between me and the previous High Lord, it would cancel out.”
“What about Keir? He’s a relative too.”
“From what Amren has found out, Keir’s blood is too unlike Rhys’, and it therefore won’t go to him. But there’s not much research, so it’s impossible to know for sure,” I took a deep breath before I continued. “I’m going back to Day this weekend to do some research for the archive. They’ll hopefully have some more information for us.”
I stopped talking, and Azriel didn’t say anything. The sound of me opening the wine bottle and pouring it filled the silence. It wasn’t an uncomfortable silence, but it wasn’t comfortable either. We had too much unspoken for it to be comfortable.
“I hate this,” I said to start the conversation. It was always that way we started the conversation. “I just want to be yours.”
“Come here,” he said and made more room for me on the couch. “We’ll make the most out of our night.”
And we did. We spoke until the night turned into day. Until our eyes were too tired to keep open. Until our hearts felt a little lighter. Until we realized we had to end it, and that made our heart heavier once more, knowing that it was a year until next time.
“It’s going to be worth it,” Azriel whispered into my ear as we hugged goodbye.
Shivers went down my back, both from having him so close, but also from what he was saying. It was going to be worth it. We would be able to have each other eventually.
“No,” Azriel interrupted Rhys, and made all of us look in his direction.
Rhys’ answer was to raise his eyebrows, which told Azriel to keep talking. We were all standing around a table, planning the strategy for the ball and meeting in Hewn tomorrow.
“The most helpful plan would be to make Y/n flirt with him,” Azriel explained, and I was sure I was the only one able to see how furious he was. “However, she’s obviously not comfortable with it, so we need another strategy.”
The second he spoke my shoulders relaxed for the first time since the meeting started. Of course I didn’t want to flirt with the male, but it did seem like the most effective way to get the information we needed. So I had agreed when my brother asked me to do it, even though it almost made me nauseous just to think about it.
I didn’t want to have my hands on anyone, I didn’t want to flatter anyone, or dance with anyone. Except for the one male I couldn’t have.
I could have done it for the cause, but Azriel was correct that I didn’t feel comfortable with it. I also really didn’t like the thought of having to flirt in front of everyone I used to know in Hewn. They already hated me, I didn’t want to make it worse. I still felt belittled by the look in their faces every time I saw them.
However, I didn’t know Azriel realized all of that. He knew me better than I thought.
“I do not think we need someone flirting with him,” Azriel continued. He hadn’t even looked at me since he started speaking, he only looked at Rhys. “I think if you, as the High Lord, can complement his combat skill and he’ll be just as happy. Y/n can stay home, and have a good night rest, before she starts comparing the information we get with the records in the library.”
When he finished speaking and looked over at me, I gave him a grateful smile. He showed no visible reaction, but a shadow coiled around my ankle and stayed there for the rest of the meeting.
I woke from the pain and a groan left me. Cauldron, this is the worst my cycle has ever been. I felt my feverish mind be dizzy even before I opened my eyes.
My entire body was almost vibrating from the pain, and I was seconds from tearing up. I was unbearable.
Even though it hurt like hell, I still forced myself to open my eyes, because I was definitely not sleeping in a bed.
While my body was mostly laying on a soft surface, my head wasn’t on a pillow. It was placed on something hard, and some soft fingers were brushing through my hair, almost massaging my scalp.
“You sure you don’t want me to change place with you?” I distantly heard my brother ask, and I decided to stay still and listen. “It has been two hours.”
I forced myself to not freak out the second I realized exactly who I was laying on, and who was currently massaging my scalp in just the right spot. I almost whined when he stopped his hand movement.
“I’m okay,” my mate answered. “She said she didn’t sleep well tonight, so I don’t want to wake her.”
I could almost imagine how my brother nodded with a slightly worried look. He was worried because I was in pain.
“Okay, but let me know if you need anything.”
“I will,” Azriel answered, and finally continued massaging my scalp. I heard how my brother left the room. “Do you need anything?”
Of course, he already knew that I was awake.
“I’m sorry,” I whispered, feeling too weak to raise my voice. Even as I whispered my voice shook from the pain. “I didn’t realize I fell asleep.”
I felt him tighten his hold around me.
“Don’t apologize,” he answered almost immediately. “You know how much this means, to both of us.”
His words made me cry. I had been a while since I cried from the fact that we couldn’t be together, but now it broke me. I wish I could seek him out and make him hold me every time I was in pain or feeling badly, not only when it happened by accident.
“Shhh,” he tried to calm me down and I felt shadows dry my tears. It didn’t help much, because a cramp made me sit up and lean over in pain. I tried to move to find a position where the pain was manageable.
“Ow, ow, ow,” I spoke as I tried to control my breathing.
“I’m sorry that I didn’t know your cycles were this bad,” Azriel sounded almost guilty as he spoke. “I should have helped you more these years.”
He started rubbing my back, and his movement made it easier for me to control my breathing.
“There is no way you could have known,” I told him in a hope to make him feel less guilty. “And this is the worst it had ever been.” A chill moved through me, and Azriel immediately reacted by helping me into the biggest blanket we had. “It’s manageable, for the most part.”
However, I felt his emotions in my chest and knew that even though my words made him feel less guilty, they only made the amount of longing grow.
I ended up sleeping with my head in his lap in the middle of the living room for the entire night. And even though I was experiencing worse pain than ever before when I was awake, it was the best sleep I had ever gotten.
“We need to give the people some information and that rather quickly,” I spoke, and looked at Cass, Mor and Azriel in front of me. “We don’t know how long this is going to last, but I would guess thinking it’s going to be long-term is the best plan. Cass, you have to go and ask all the landowners to plant as much food as possible. Bring people you think can help. Mor, can you go to the shelter and ask how must is that is only visiting and that needs places to stay and food? Cass can help you when he’s done with his task. Amren is already doing research on the shield around Velaris. Azriel, can you go to the townhouse and make sure it’s filled with enough chairs and seats for all the people coming to ask questions in the coming weeks? I will start writing the letters, explaining to everyone what the strategi will be and what we need from them. The first questioning will start at 10 am tomorrow and I think it would be best if we all were there.”
Cassian and Mor agreed and left without another word. Which left me alone with Azriel. Being alone with him always broke down my wall of hidden emotions. I only took one look from his concerned eyes for my hands to start shaking and my chest to feel tighter.
“You’re doing great,” he told me, but didn’t come any closer. Only his shadows did. They swirled and settled down around my hands and arms, making them stop shaking. “The people trust you, they’ll listen and help with what we need.”
“I’m not worried about the people,” I say with a shaky sigh. Tears pressed at the back of my eyes, but I refused to let them out. I knew that if I did, I wouldn’t be able to stop. I needed to be strong, both for my family, but also for the rest of Velaris. “He’s alone out there.”
“Nuala and Cerridwen are there,” he argued, but we both knew it made little difference.
“I just hate that he went alone. I don’t understand how this could happen. We have no plans for this. I’m basing all this on the records from the kidnapping of my great great grandfather, but that only lasted a month, before they found him living with cows in the woods. We have no idea what’s going on with Rhys or how long it’s going to last.”
“He’ll be fine, I promise you. And so will we, because you’re leading us.”
I had been such a long time since last time he managed to move without me noticing, but this time I was so anxious and worried that I didn’t notice it until he engulfed me in an embrace.
“We’re five people in total governing this city right now,” he spoke softly into my ear. “You’re not alone in this, you’ll never be.”
I savoured the hug for as long as I could. He’s right, of course, but at the same time he was wrong. We were five people governing the city, but I was the only take had to take care of both the city and Azriel, Mor, Cass and Amren. If we fell apart now, our 5000-year-old secret would be revealed. I couldn’t let that happen.
“I thought I might find you here,” Azriel spoke from behind me. I had left the door to my office in the library wide open, knowing that he would come find me sooner rather than later.
“Are you saying you don’t know where I am at all times?” I teased him a little, knowing a shadow had been coiled around my ankle for the most part of the decade.
Azriel, however, was not in a teasing mood.
“It’s 3 am, and you have a meeting at 7 answering more of the people’s questions,” he reminded me. In the first couple of weeks, we had answered questions for hours every day and printed the answers so that it would be available for everyone in the city the next day. Then, we went over to weekly questionings, and now monthly.
“Yeah, I know, I just need-”
“No,” he interrupted me, and it felt so unusual and serious. “Y/n, you need to sleep. And eat. And bathe.”
“Are you saying I smell?”
“That’s the least of our problems,” he argued. “But, yes, you do smell.”
I let out a sigh and stood of from my desk.
“Would you mind finding me something to eat while I take a quick bath?” I asked him carefully.
He looked surprised that I didn’t keep arguing that my work was too important. My work was too important to sleep and eat, but the worry and guilt I felt from Azriel made it impossible to concentrate. I hated to be the cause of his guilt.
“Of course,” he answered almost hesitantly. But then he jumped into action. Before I could react, he picked me up and walked out of the library, ready to fly me to the House of Wind. I was deeply asleep before we even took off.
“What about Azriel?” my brother inquired and I felt my entre body tense up. “Feyre said she’d seen you two in the library together-”
I stood up before he finished the sentence. I almost felt the food I had eating coming back up. It was too much, way too much.
“Oh yeah, I would love to date Azriel, but you’re still alive so I can’t without it killing me on the spot.”
Deep down, I knew that Rhys meant it well. He had found the love of his life, his mate, and he wanted the best for me too. He wanted me to experience a similar love.
However, as he brought it up, I just felt angry. So angry that he was allowed to be with his mate and I wasn’t. It felt like Azriel was being taken away from me all over again.
“Don’t you ever say that,” I told him firmly. “Don’t even think it.”
I left the café we were eating lunch at and ended up flying for three hours before I managed to calm down.
My eyes were blood red, and they were starting to sting. I realized, I should probably have blinked at least twenty times between now and the last blink. Or maybe even more. How long has it been?
“If he makes it through the night, it’s a much bigger chance that he’ll survive,” Madja’s words haunted me. They were all consuming and was probably the reason I didn’t dare to blink. What if I did, and he stopped breathing?
I violent sob left me, and a single shadow dared to leave their master to comfort me.
Azriel’s hand was in mine, and shadows covered his entire upper body as a blanket. They helped me a lot, because I didn’t really need to see the bloody bandages that covered him under the shadows.
“Just keep breathing, Azriel,” I whispered, my voice was hoars from crying. “You can do it.”
I looked away from him for a single second, to see that it was only 2 am. It was going to be a long night, but I wouldn’t stop staring at him. Not even for one second.
“I’ll breathe for you,” I wailed and pressed his hand against my forehead. “Just tell me if you need me to and I’ll find a way to do it. Just don’t leave me, not yet.”
Azriel took my hand and helped me stand up. I tried to ignore the tremor in his hands and in my own.
“I’ll just take a bite, and then we’ll be free from this curse one way or another,” he murmured.
He’d eat the food I prepared, and I’d either drop dead on the spot, or I’d finally be able to kiss my mate.
Something inside me broke at the thought of dying without having experienced his lips on mine. However, accepting the bond felt more necessary. Accepting the bond would tie our souls together, and I was convinced it would make it easier for us to find each other in our next life.
Azriel’s arm wrapped around my waist and held me tightly. His hazel eyes looked deeply into my soul and the feeling of hope quickly extinguished the fear.
He didn’t look away from me as he picked up the fork and used it to collect a bite from one of the dishes. I didn’t look away from his eyes, so I didn’t notice exactly what it was. His eyes carried hope and love, and looking away from them wasn’t a option.
“Ready?” he asked, but he sounded out of breath.
“I love you,” I told him for the first time. And I was suddenly just as out of breath as he was. “I love you so much.”
“I love you too, Y/n,” he answered and raised the fork up against his mouth.
Azriel’s hand started shaking, and I reached up and held softly around his wrist. It made it stop shaking instantly.
We kept eye contact as I helped him leading the fork towards his mouth.
“I can’t believe this is actually happening,” I spoke with as much of a smile as I could.
Azriel gave me a comforting smile back. And then he let out a deep breath before he had the courage to eat the food.
He almost threw it into his mouth and swallowed without chewing. His arm around my waist tightened, and I heard the fork hit the ground and then Azriel’s other hand cradled my neck as his lips met mine.
I don’t know what I had expected from our first kiss. Maybe butterflies exploding in my stomach, wetness dampening my underwear, or my knees buckling.
I didn’t expect total silence.
It was like taking shelter from the wind after it had been loud in your ear for hours. Or like leaving a crowded place after everyone had just laughed their lunges out.
It felt almost like the silence after war, but it wasn’t as sad. It wasn’t sad at all actually.
Azriel’s lips were against mine, and I was alive.
My mate was kissing me and no other feeling would ever compare.
Dividers: @saradika-graphics
