hi uh itās mooshua (aurora, moosh, whatever you want to call me). Iām so sorry about my sudden leave and everything and worrying some of you. that was really uncool of me to do and I really am so regretful for that. honestly Iām kinda embarrassed right now. explaining myself is rather difficult because, I wonāt lie, Iāve been having feelings of inadequacy towards both myself and the works I put out. lol so Iām kind of having a hard time articulating my emotions because my mind is all over the place and Iām literally sweating as I type this out.
long story short: I got burnt out, started hating my writing with all my being, accumulated some Not So Nice messages, and then just did not want to be perceived anymore.
the long story: like I said above, Iāve been having Conflicting Feelings with regards to what I have been writing. anytime I read what I wrote I would just feel my gut twist and turn like I was going to throw up because I WAS SO EMBARRASSED. nothing about it was... up to my standard? nothing flowed right, I could point out a billion mistakes, and I wasnāt laughing like I used to. and it wasnāt just feeling embarrassed, it was like whenever I wrote something I would Not Be Having Fun With It because I kept thinking ādeadline deadline deadline you need to finish this by the end of this week itās only 5k words are you saying you canāt come up with a measly chapter in a week you used to be able to write 15 chapters in a month you dogā and I would just force myself to sit in front of my computer for hours and when I finally finished I wasnāt really happy with the final product I would just think āgod I need a smoke breakā even though Iāve never smoked in my life. and then Iād also get āplease update!ā messages/comments in the dry periods and, donāt get me wrong I really appreciate that people are reading my stuff, but Iād feel more and more stressed because then Iād automatically think āOh My God People Are Waiting And Iām Letting Them Down.ā
so with all these bad feelings welling up inside me I thought āI need a break.ā and thatās what I did. I took like a 3 week break in september/october (I honestly donāt remember because the days have been bleeding together) in hopes that I just needed to rest to get my brain started again! after those 3 weeks I then did the usual routine of writing and updating, but again Things Just Didnāt Feel Right because it felt like I was diving back into that stress inducing spiral of the dreaded Weekly Updates.
I mean, I would get so hung over this stuff because in the back of my mind during my free time Iād be thinking āI could be writing and finishing up both series right nowā and you know what? Iād do that. well, I tried at least. Iād force myself to sit and type whenever I had ANY free time because I already had everything planned, I just needed to put words to a page. well, doing that for nights on end was just mentally exhausting me to New Levels. everything I was doing was not sustainable at all.
AND THEN THINGS SLOWLY GOT WORSE because I would have zero confidence in my writing and every week or so Iād get a message in my inbox saying something along the lines ofĀ (or rather word for word) āyour writing isnāt that good/special/anything new I donāt understand why people are reading it/why you get so many notes/youāre not as funny as you think you areā and at first I would kind of laugh at it and go āoh trust me buddy, Iām wondering the same thing tooā and then delete it because I do Not Wish to entertain the thought on my blog, but then I was hitting a new all time low in my mentality and I got another message on the day I deactivated which was a Really Bad Day and it read āyour writing isnāt goodā and I went back to the chapter I was editing for the day, felt my gut do that twist and I thought āyou know what? youāre right. itās not. goodbye.ā pressed the forbidden red button and honestly felt a weight lift off my shoulders because that meant I no longer had to deal with that stupid cycle of constantly updating in order to Feel Something.
I kept thinking āwhy is this not as fun as it used to be, why am I so stressed out all the time opening that stupid doc and going on my blog?ā like I would literally sit down and think about this as if it was a math problem or something. my inadequacies kept rising within me but I would just bottle it up, go to writing and trying to answer messages like nothing was wrong because I really didnāt want to worry anyone or think I was a charity case who needed help, but now that I think about it I really should have talked this out instead keeping my mouth shut. I just thought this was something everyone goes through so I was like whatever itāll pass. I kept thinking āthis shouldnāt be as deep as Iām making itā and brush it aside, but then I kept thinking negatively about my ability to write and literally DREADED sitting down in front of my laptop that I would have to hype myself up in order to get a sentence in. I think the last time I actually felt really proud of something I had written was during the summer...... and then after that it was just downhill.
and listen. I know this is just a Fun endeavor and I really shouldnāt care about what other people think as long as it makes me happy, but along the way I stopped being happy because I started caring Way Too much and putting unrealistic expectations on myself. itās weird. I know at my Big Age I should have a better mentality, but itās been eating at me for a while and I just wanted to pull the plug.
okay now the part that a lot of people are wondering: are you going to finish your series? I plan to. I really want to. I think itād be a waste not to. Iām still feeling pretty conflicted right now with my writing, but I already mapped everything out, and I donāt like to break promises since I already said I was going to do this thing. thanks to anyone who read my works and Iām sorry to have worried you. I just needed to take a step back and think about whatās good for myself.
yeah. so thatās my explanation. this whole thing is so long and for that Iām sorry. if you went through this then pat on the back for you. I donāt know when Iāll come back or how long it will take. I just want time for myself and to not think about anything with regards to writing. like at all. also I only have 1 request: for anyone who downloaded the series from ao3, please do not repost or reupload or redistribute them. please Iām literally begging. I deleted them for a reason and I really donāt like the idea of these stories floating around without my consent. when I do get back into it Iād like to make edits to what I have written.Ā idk if any of my mutuals still want to talk to me after this but feel free to lmk lmfao sorry I know that I sound like Iām off the deep end but I really just need to cool it before I start diving back into a Healthy Relationship With My Writing Hobby lol. why am I so dramatic... SORRY. anyway. I hope you guys are staying happy and healthy during this time. donāt forget that.
