#mooshua

[mooshua]

hi uh it’s mooshua (aurora, moosh, whatever you want to call me). I’m so sorry about my sudden leave and everything and worrying some of you. that was really uncool of me to do and I really am so regretful for that. honestly I’m kinda embarrassed right now. explaining myself is rather difficult because, I won’t lie, I’ve been having feelings of inadequacy towards both myself and the works I put out. lol so I’m kind of having a hard time articulating my emotions because my mind is all over the place and I’m literally sweating as I type this out.

long story short: I got burnt out, started hating my writing with all my being, accumulated some Not So Nice messages, and then just did not want to be perceived anymore.

the long story: like I said above, I’ve been having Conflicting Feelings with regards to what I have been writing. anytime I read what I wrote I would just feel my gut twist and turn like I was going to throw up because I WAS SO EMBARRASSED. nothing about it was... up to my standard? nothing flowed right, I could point out a billion mistakes, and I wasn’t laughing like I used to. and it wasn’t just feeling embarrassed, it was like whenever I wrote something I would Not Be Having Fun With It because I kept thinking “deadline deadline deadline you need to finish this by the end of this week it’s only 5k words are you saying you can’t come up with a measly chapter in a week you used to be able to write 15 chapters in a month you dog” and I would just force myself to sit in front of my computer for hours and when I finally finished I wasn’t really happy with the final product I would just think “god I need a smoke break” even though I’ve never smoked in my life. and then I’d also get “please update!” messages/comments in the dry periods and, don’t get me wrong I really appreciate that people are reading my stuff, but I’d feel more and more stressed because then I’d automatically think “Oh My God People Are Waiting And I’m Letting Them Down.”

so with all these bad feelings welling up inside me I thought “I need a break.” and that’s what I did. I took like a 3 week break in september/october (I honestly don’t remember because the days have been bleeding together) in hopes that I just needed to rest to get my brain started again! after those 3 weeks I then did the usual routine of writing and updating, but again Things Just Didn’t Feel Right because it felt like I was diving back into that stress inducing spiral of the dreaded Weekly Updates.

I mean, I would get so hung over this stuff because in the back of my mind during my free time I’d be thinking “I could be writing and finishing up both series right now” and you know what? I’d do that. well, I tried at least. I’d force myself to sit and type whenever I had ANY free time because I already had everything planned, I just needed to put words to a page. well, doing that for nights on end was just mentally exhausting me to New Levels. everything I was doing was not sustainable at all.

AND THEN THINGS SLOWLY GOT WORSE because I would have zero confidence in my writing and every week or so I’d get a message in my inbox saying something along the lines of (or rather word for word) “your writing isn’t that good/special/anything new I don’t understand why people are reading it/why you get so many notes/you’re not as funny as you think you are” and at first I would kind of laugh at it and go “oh trust me buddy, I’m wondering the same thing too” and then delete it because I do Not Wish to entertain the thought on my blog, but then I was hitting a new all time low in my mentality and I got another message on the day I deactivated which was a Really Bad Day and it read “your writing isn’t good” and I went back to the chapter I was editing for the day, felt my gut do that twist and I thought “you know what? you’re right. it’s not. goodbye.” pressed the forbidden red button and honestly felt a weight lift off my shoulders because that meant I no longer had to deal with that stupid cycle of constantly updating in order to Feel Something.

I kept thinking “why is this not as fun as it used to be, why am I so stressed out all the time opening that stupid doc and going on my blog?” like I would literally sit down and think about this as if it was a math problem or something. my inadequacies kept rising within me but I would just bottle it up, go to writing and trying to answer messages like nothing was wrong because I really didn’t want to worry anyone or think I was a charity case who needed help, but now that I think about it I really should have talked this out instead keeping my mouth shut. I just thought this was something everyone goes through so I was like whatever it’ll pass. I kept thinking “this shouldn’t be as deep as I’m making it” and brush it aside, but then I kept thinking negatively about my ability to write and literally DREADED sitting down in front of my laptop that I would have to hype myself up in order to get a sentence in. I think the last time I actually felt really proud of something I had written was during the summer...... and then after that it was just downhill.

and listen. I know this is just a Fun endeavor and I really shouldn’t care about what other people think as long as it makes me happy, but along the way I stopped being happy because I started caring Way Too much and putting unrealistic expectations on myself. it’s weird. I know at my Big Age I should have a better mentality, but it’s been eating at me for a while and I just wanted to pull the plug.

okay now the part that a lot of people are wondering: are you going to finish your series? I plan to. I really want to. I think it’d be a waste not to. I’m still feeling pretty conflicted right now with my writing, but I already mapped everything out, and I don’t like to break promises since I already said I was going to do this thing. thanks to anyone who read my works and I’m sorry to have worried you. I just needed to take a step back and think about what’s good for myself.

yeah. so that’s my explanation. this whole thing is so long and for that I’m sorry. if you went through this then pat on the back for you. I don’t know when I’ll come back or how long it will take. I just want time for myself and to not think about anything with regards to writing. like at all. also I only have 1 request: for anyone who downloaded the series from ao3, please do not repost or reupload or redistribute them. please I’m literally begging. I deleted them for a reason and I really don’t like the idea of these stories floating around without my consent. when I do get back into it I’d like to make edits to what I have written. idk if any of my mutuals still want to talk to me after this but feel free to lmk lmfao sorry I know that I sound like I’m off the deep end but I really just need to cool it before I start diving back into a Healthy Relationship With My Writing Hobby lol. why am I so dramatic... SORRY. anyway. I hope you guys are staying happy and healthy during this time. don’t forget that.

[mooshys]

hello, hi, howdy. it’s been awhile. yes, this is @mooshua (aurora, moosh, whatever you want to call me) and this is my new account with which I will be using from now on (I go by the user “mooshys” on ao3 now too)!

I really wanted to say that I appreciate all the kind messages y’all sent 😭 Lord I was at a low point and being able to read your words like “take it easy” and “please take care of yourself” put me at ease. this step back was definitely needed (’: for the past month I’ve been relaxing and focusing on my own wellbeing <3 

alrighty. so! here’s an update nobody asked for. I did a little bit of writing and I actually finished one of the series that I started which is very neat since this was a goal I set for myself this year. I’m still going through the editing process for both fics, so I’ll upload chapters a couple times a week. another thing: I won’t be crossposting either series on tumblr. I’ll only be uploading the fics on ao3. if I come up with a short or an extra then I’ll upload them onto tumblr, but other than that... I just don’t feel like crossposting. I’m sorry about this! instead, I’ll make a post on tumblr whenever I do update a new chapter along with putting a little notice on my navigation. 

yeah, that’s about it! I’m going to continue to take things slow on my part so as to not burn myself out again while also not being so overly critical towards what I am putting out! for the time being, I’m going to also have asks turned off as I ease on into things. apologies for this! 

again, I really appreciate the kindness in this community + I hope you’re all staying happy and healthy (:

[doodleniella]

Ahhh poor Wan-san... don’t mind~ 🤧

This small comic panel, feat. MSBY Black Jackals’ libero, Player No. 6, Inunaki Shion, is inspired/based on the latest chapter (Chapter 12, “Jackasuke Falls Flat”) of @mooshys’ Haikyuu!! fanfic series, “msby black jackals online!”, btw. It’s my first time drawing a member of the said team, and I’m kinda excited to do a fanart of any of them tbh ahaha—

Bonus:

Idk maybe I really like doing comparisons between trad and digital art versions of every artwork lol

Mongol no.1, blue gel pen + fccp, ibisPaint.

For More, See Also: Ella’s Masterlist

[whenyourealizethisisntagoodname]

There was no need for labeling the bird each time, but for me it makes it funnier:

Atsumu has many brian powr, proove me wrong:

This is what happened, I have once again reduced thousands of words to but a simple meme:

Before Atsumu could retort, Manager-chan got hurt so it felt right to leave it be:

This one is a bonus:

@mooshua I am but a humble reader trying to repay your writing kindness

[minqueee]

@mooshua

here she is!!! this is how I imagined her in the fic every time the team does dumb stuff,,,

[koutawoo]

honestly I crawled back to tumblr bc a good friend of mine on here said that the hq community was thriving and was very welcoming so I went. alright, why the heck not! and she was right! everyone on here is so kind and full of love and it constantly blows me away that there's so many genuinely nice people out there in the world! I know tumblr as a site is absolutely horrid and still has the same 2016 interface, but the people I've connected with r the reason why I'm kicking it here (':

ye i didn’t expect the community to be so active LOL and so many nice people dfjklskgdg idk how tumblr can handle all the kindness but im glad they attract it in the very least. and yeah!! it’s great that tumblr remained mostly the same but i did go o__o when i saw that they added the messaging functions n stuff dkhsjfkdg and i used to feel so young on this site (bc i rlly was) and now i’m one of the oldies </3

[cherryonigiri]

6 + a couple other questions! Where do you usually draw inspiration for your writing? If you could only keep one work of yours which would it be and why? What's a writing tip that you think every writer should know? Also, cheers to 600! Can't wait until you reach the next milestone

Mooshua darling you are an angel thank you so much, also I kinda went a bit long/rambly here but I hope you don’t mind <3 

6. Describe your personality in 3 words or less

Sensitive, passionate, caring. 

Sensitive - this is both a good and bad thing. I’m very sensitive/attuned to the emotions of those around me, and I will bend over backwards to make sure people feel comfortable around me or accomodate their preferences. It matters a lot to me that people don’t feel that I’m intruding and that I come off as respectful not rude. On the flipside, my close friends tell me that sometimes this makes me act like a doormat/total pushover but I’m working on trying to be more assertive/confident in myself. 

Passionate: if i’m interested in something I go all in. Like either I have zero interest or I’m going to research and try to know everything I can + engage with the topic. Ex. this blog, or my love of anime/k-pop what I’m studying (history, sociology, biology). I just get so excited about these things and I just want to always know more. 

Caring: I’m just genuinely invested in seeing people be happy? Like IRL or on tumblr whenever I see someone is having a rough or bad day I just feel terrible because I want them to feel good about themselves/what they’re doing. I suppose this comes out as mom instincts lmao. I. JUST. WANT. U. ALL. TO. BE. HAPPY. 

Where do you usually draw inspiration for your writing?

Ummmm - usually it’s a song or piece of music or a quote. Not everything turns into a songfic but usually I’ll be listening to a song and daydreaming and a visual/idea will just come to me and I’ll write it down? Also my own dreams, bc apparently even in my sleep I SIMP for 2D men.

If you could only keep one work of yours which would it be and why?

Ummm that’s a good question. Out of my published works? Probably When and Where, just because it’s the thing I’ve poured the most into out of what’s on my blog. If we’re talking about ALL my writing, then it would have to be my cumulative paper for my history course last semester. I wrote a paper on race and medicine, and how Chinese immigration into the United States was impacted by outbreaks of the plague during the late 1800′s + early 1900′s in Hong Kong/European colonies in Southeast Asia. Like I am so proud of that damn paper I literally spent so many hours perfecting it. Also not gonna say anything, but a quote I’ve resonated a lot with is “history rarely repeats itself but often rhymes” *cough cough* N E WAYS interpret that how you will. 

What's a writing tip that you think every writer should know?

Your first draft should be shitty. There I said it. Like - people think that I magically vomit out amazing prose or whatever but like my GOD if y’all read the first full draft of ‘when and where’ you would legit hate it. If you can’t think of a way to write it that works well, write the most “tell-y” sentence - just literally write down what happens and go back and fix it to make it sound flowery/angsty/pretty later. Ex. for example the quote “Because you can only see me as the finish line, not as someone who runs beside you.” was originally “y/n thinks about some kind of metaphor where she is the end goal and tooru is leaving her alone as a spectator.” Bottom line: IF YOU’RE STUCK, WRITE OUT WHAT YOU WANT THE SENTENCE TO SOUND LIKE/FEEL LIKE/COMMUNICATE AND MOVE ON. It’s so much easier to edit, revise and add on, if you have the whole thing out of paper. If your first draft bugs you that much just do a rewrite, but getting the whole plot/scene out onto a piece of paper or in a document is so so important, especially if you feel like you write slowly! 

[whenyourealizethisisntagoodname]

I think that, some part deep inside of me, gets off when Atsumu suffers because I had to stop myself from making anymore about him

And now for the first few I made. This one is my greatest feat yet until both manager series are complete:

I got some love for Sakusa too:

@mooshua

:3