Happy new year! May 2018 be a better year than the last.
I haven’t been here for a while because I felt uncomfortable (and to be honest, I’m still uncomfortable), but please excuse my word vomit.
I think 2017 was a depressing year for me because I felt disconnected. I wasn’t emotionally there, and I selfishly spent every hour outside of studying trying to make myself feel better - and being selfish is never good. I remember a long time ago, someone told me I’m too kind to others but not myself. I took that advice and started treating myself better but look where that got me. When I picked up Bubzbeauty’s book at the end of December, I read a chapter about being kind to others to feel beautiful on the inside, and you know what, I think I’ll do that again starting this year.
School has been one of the biggest things that make me sad. It’s a vicious cycle of getting bad grades, fear of the next bad grade, and having your fears reinforced with more bad grades. It’s gotten to a point where I don’t even care if I failed anymore (my coping mechanism so I don’t go insane) because failure is just an extra year (and additional costs). I’ll gladly take that time off, and money can always be earned. This might sound dramatic to some (cough, people who get an odd 80 and call it a disappointment to their ancestors), but it really eats away at you after experiencing it for 8 years. I’ve always been a good “bad” student, so it’s really, really painful to have your efforts represented like this. But I mean, I passed my last fall term, so I shouldn’t be complaining. But it just really, really sucks and drains the hell out of you. I’m tired.
I still don’t know how to deal with my expectations of people. I’ve realized early 2017 what my mistake was after my first ‘great depression’ (let’s call it that) in 2016. I tried hard not to let it affect me when people don’t meet my expectations and I try to accept it, but every once in a while, I’m brought back up only to be betrayed by them again. There are some people in life that you know you shouldn’t expect anything from, but time and time again you subconsciously give them a second, third, fourth, fifth chance, and they unknowingly (or knowingly) break your heart over and over again. To be honest, I’m at a loss. I don’t think my expectations are unrealistic. I just want the bare minimum that exists in any other one of my human-human relationships. I mean, I could be wrong, but I just hope I’ll be able to find a solution for it this year without letting my emotions run cold, or my bridges burn (which, truth be told, is a miracle worker from past experiences).
On other notes, I’m going to try my hardest to forgive (but doesn’t mean it’s forgotten), to love more, to create a healthier balance, and to make it a good year myself instead of hoping for it. But all wishes will be greatly accepted (: Have a good one y’all.
