English rain.

Goodbye, sir, it has been a real honour.

[morethanwords0475]

One moment I was grieving my graduation from high school, and the next I'm back in this beloved place again for a few weeks of teaching experience. It also feels like a lifetime in between.

C naturally assumed the role of being my mentor, which means officially shifting to first-name basis with him and practically sharing his office space because I don't have anywhere else to stay. We would talk about my experiences and he would give me advice on teaching (or just adult life in general). I've been granted a closer insight into him as a real person too, hearing him complain and swear like he never would with students. Being casual and real – I had always always wanted this with my TCs. I cannot imagine how surreal it would feel if I were still as in love with him as I was back in January.

[morethanwords0475]

I used to often oscillate between being guilt-ridden/self-loathing that I harboured these feelings and then being incredibly proud of the love I carried and treating it as the most sacred thing. No matter what, my love transformed me. And so no one told me that liking a guy my age again would feel so wrong because it isn't grand, it isn't tragic, it's just a pitiful (I can't even use crush or attachment) want to be close, to be loved.

[morethanwords0475]

help I hate how this feels like technically I could text him if I wanted to (crazy ikr)?? but?? what do I even say?? like yeah sorry I haven't been romantic with a guy my age for six years I'll just die I guess??

[morethanwords0475]

I've realised that when I used to describe liking my TCs so much I couldn't extract myself from it, I would use words like "mesmerised" or "enchanted". With him it's the first time I said "bewitched", almost literally. It's a force cast upon me that I cannot understand nor escape. It's like I'm not myself anymore.

[morethanwords0475]

I used to often oscillate between being guilt-ridden/self-loathing that I harboured these feelings and then being incredibly proud of the love I carried and treating it as the most sacred thing. No matter what, my love transformed me. And so no one told me that liking a guy my age again would feel so wrong because it isn't grand, it isn't tragic, it's just a pitiful (I can't even use crush or attachment) want to be close, to be loved.

[morethanwords0475]

help I hate how this feels like technically I could text him if I wanted to (crazy ikr)?? but?? what do I even say?? like yeah sorry I haven't been romantic with a guy my age for six years I'll just die I guess??

[morethanwords0475]

I used to often oscillate between being guilt-ridden/self-loathing that I harboured these feelings and then being incredibly proud of the love I carried and treating it as the most sacred thing. No matter what, my love transformed me. And so no one told me that liking a guy my age again would feel so wrong because it isn't grand, it isn't tragic, it's just a pitiful (I can't even use crush or attachment) want to be close, to be loved.

[morethanwords0475]

a part of me has been dreaming of dating again ever since I got to uni (sometimes literally dreaming), but in reality it would feel so... out of place. my mind, energy, and heart are divided between my studies, missing my TCs, occasionally swooning for my lecturers, and some obscure fandom obsession. where would a new partner fit? how could I start seeing someone here and then go back in June to potentially spend a month with C at school? how would I explain to them that I still sometimes bawl my eyes out at the reminder of T? how do I tell them my life story without mentioning the immense impact that my TCs (and having TCs) had on me?

the first and last time I dated, my feelings for the TCs I had then did abruptly stop, and I did tell my partner and he took it well. but my TCs then were mainly to fill a deep need to be noticed and cared about and good, which I sought from my boyfriend instead. while similar themes have repeated since then, I have loved my TCs for who they were and how they helped me grow so much more. that is irreplaceable.

[morethanwords0475]

T asked if I wanted to show him the poem I was writing, so I did.

ME: It's inspired by a book, not my own experience.

ME *internally*: It was inspired by your wife because I really really like her.

[morethanwords0475]

That poem was about S and the warmth I had felt when she supported me through my leadership application. It had a motif of burning and fire, so one of the lines was:

"A smile, words, and fire, Become my comfort, my inspiration, my desire."

I just found in my texts that I originally wanted to write:

"Her smile, words, that fire burning within; My comfort, my inspiration, my desire to sin."

[morethanwords0475]

C and I aren't on a first-name basis (yet), which I don't mind because I think I would feel weird calling him that, but he has made the point to refer to other teachers by their first names when we talk about them. Like when I saw him last week, he used his wife's last name the first time he mentioned her and actually corrected himself. It either means that he is making an effort towards removing the teacher–student label between us, or that he is switching to his 'real' or casual persona when talking to me and subconsciously acting as such.

Of course there are still times when he falls back on responding like he would before I graduated, and that's also nice sometimes, because that dynamic will always be between us, that age gap will always be between us. It defined a part of our relationship.

[morethanwords0475]

It's hard to imagine that I once went almost an entire year obsessed with C without having romantic feelings – until a year ago today, when I dreamed that we were in a relationship. I'd never felt so much love, safety, and happiness in a dream. While sometimes I'm still not entirely sure what this all is, the romantic feelings were very prominent when I was visiting C on Monday. The entire time I had such a strong urge to latch on to his arms, to feel him, to be close, and I kept hearing the line I love you pop into my head, even after I'd left, desperately trying to break free, to be spoken into existence. No matter what that love is, I really do love him.

[morethanwords0475]

i think C and his partner are going to have a girl. what little soul is going to be so lucky to grow up with them.

[morethanwords0475]

I WAS RIGHT!!! they have a daughter! C showed me photos and she's adorable 😭 still can't fully wrap my head around the fact that he is a father now, but that little girl is going to grow up so so loved.

[morethanwords0475]

I was so nervous in the hours before I went to see C. so nervous it felt like I was going to be sick. so nervous I actually woke up sick. it didn't feel like the giddy excitement from when I went back to school for that event back in June, maybe because the last time I saw him didn't go super well and I was worried that that's just what we were like now. and I feel bad about being back so soon.

but it did go well. it went really well. I got to chat with him for two hours about anything and everything. how our lives have been going. he's still so much like before, and he still feels so close to me. it maybe doesn't feel as exclusive and special as when I was still in school, but having a normal relationship with him now is incredible. he's letting me come back in June to get some school experience and said he'd mentor me, we'll get to spend time together again.

June will come.

[aphrodites-mirror]

when I was in school, it was so easy to motivate myself to do well on my exams because it was an easy way to get attention and validation, especially from my tc.

now that I am in university, none of my professors know me or care, I lost all my drive. I don't enjoy the subjects I used to anymore. there is no one to smile at me proudly when giving me back my assignments, no one to impress.

[morethanwords0475]

found this post again somehow after two years (op wherever you are in life I hope you're doing well), now no longer a senior in high school but in my second year of uni... even though I've continued to enjoy learning and am still propelled by perfectionism, losing that drive from having TCs or teachers who cared about me really does hit hard. I miss when it all inherently meant something because of my love.

[morethanwords0475]

I could worship him, with my gaze, forever, if he'd stayed. A part of me still does. I worshipped every detail he spared for me, worshipped a facade, a perfect, perfect being.

[morethanwords0475]

I never know which is going to win – my intense need to see and spend time with C, or my crippling guilt over taking up his time when he is already so so busy.

last year when I emailed him around this time he casually asked whether I was planning to visit. I said I knew he would be busy, and it felt too soon since August, and he didn't press it. I would have gone if he sounded even just a little bit like he'd have liked seeing me. this year he asked again, which felt like it was more than just a courtesy gesture, so I said I would love to but still gave him an out. he knows I find this difficult to ask. if he catches my conflict, if he catches me...

I always found it ironic (and even said so to him) that I just had to seek help from one of the busiest teachers in the school. and now he also has a baby. gosh. I could never repay him for what he does for me.

[morethanwords0475]

welcome to how long will it take C to respond to my email, and will I stay sane long enough until then to find out?

[morethanwords0475]

no better way to fool yourself into temporarily thinking you're over them than having to wait for a reply because this is agonising

[morethanwords0475]

the way I audibly gasped when I saw the notification while sitting right next to my parents and had to play it off

crisis averted he's still good to me and I still love him

[morethanwords0475]

responded perhaps a bit more enthusiastically than I would have liked (used personal pronouns and actually conveyed a tone of voice), trying desperately to postpone the inevitable downwards spiral where I start to cringe at everything I wrote again.

[morethanwords0475]

welcome to how long will it take C to respond to my email, and will I stay sane long enough until then to find out?

[morethanwords0475]

no better way to fool yourself into temporarily thinking you're over them than having to wait for a reply because this is agonising

[morethanwords0475]

the way I audibly gasped when I saw the notification while sitting right next to my parents and had to play it off

crisis averted he's still good to me and I still love him

[morethanwords0475]

Not sure if this was a good time (i.e., while I'm still waiting for a reply from C) to email one of my favourite past teachers for the first time in 1.5 years, but I always really liked her and don't know when I will be able to reach out again if I didn't now. I hope it doesn't turn into agonising again over another long wait or slightly cold response.

She was so so good to us in the past but I can't be sure it will still be the same now that it's been so long. I would be devastated if she didn't like me as much as she did anymore.

[morethanwords0475]

welcome to how long will it take C to respond to my email, and will I stay sane long enough until then to find out?

[morethanwords0475]

no better way to fool yourself into temporarily thinking you're over them than having to wait for a reply because this is agonising