Hey there @scribl-oi ! Thought you might enjoy this insane little paragraph. It's like all the classic 'oh Damon...' moments in one go. Putting all the blame on himself, unresolved trauma, imprinting on other father figures, accepting the lack of support as reasonable, just 🫠.
[ Watching the Wheels, page 281 ]
When I tell you this crushed my soul and breakdanced on my corpse. Jesus Christ this is actually so painful to read because I once read a quote from Frank about Alan Jones which was:
“And he was great fun to be with. He never needed propping up mentally, because he was a very determined and bullish character. He didn't need any babysitting or hand-holding and that's the way it should be. It shouldn't be necessary for me to ask a driver if he is happy, or if he needs his underwear changed.”
“The problem was with me. I looked up to them as father figures and I was projecting onto them a role they had no desire to play.”
“Great guys though they might be, I can understand them not wanting to be surrogate parents.”
GOOD LORD.
This goes back to my old post about Damon regarding Ayrton’s lecture to him before becoming teammates as “fatherly advice.” His projection of a father figure role towards Frank and Patrick had definitely branched out towards his brief time with Ayrton then and probably even with Alain, who was 5 years older. Though Ayrton was just 6 months older, there was a huge gap between them in terms of experience and Damon looked up to that the same way he looked up to Frank and Patrick. And when that companionship got torn away from him violently the same way his own father was taken away from him—his grief got ten times worse when his own team boss could barely treat him with the proper support. The fact that he puts the blame on himself and just accepts it as it is. My god he was searching for his father in every man, and this was also why he probably came to love George (Harrison) so easily because George really treated him like his own son, which was something Damon desperately needed during that time when his grief was still unresolved.
I’m also still reeling from an article where Damon was recounting a story where Barry Sheene told him to stand up for himself since Williams wasn’t giving him a proper paycheck and Damon basically went to Patrick and straight up told him, “You always hurt the ones you love, Patrick, I’m sorry.” Now this definitely checks out the line:
“I had been the son of the team principal and as such I had enjoyed a special relationship with the boss.”
He had a genuine belief that Frank and Patrick had cared about him more than just being their driver, only to be met with disappointment after disappointment that he’s no more than just a driver waiting to be replaced.
Thank you for sharing and tagging me. Now if you’ll excuse me I’m gonna go listen to my Damon Hill playlist and cry my eyes out.
