Do You Ever Look At Your Life and Wonder...
...how on earth did I get here? How is this what my life is? How did it happen this way? I’ve been having these moments a lot lately, and not just about the fact that I’ve turned 31 now, and I’m still single, although that is definitely a big one. It’s also one that I’m often not terribly surprised by. When I was young I always assumed that finding someone and getting married would just happen, you know, when I was older, when I was more spiritual, when I was girly-er, when I was more mature. Then It changed to thinking it would happen if, you know, if I get my life together, if I become strong in the gospel, if I ever get prettier, if people ever like me.
When I was 18-19 and all of my Mormon friends were starting to get married, it didn’t bother me much that I wasn’t getting married too. I in no way felt prepared to be married! (I don’t really feel ready now either, but, hey, is anyone ever ready?) The first couple, I couldn’t even imagine how they felt ready for such a thing, so why should I be bothered by “missing out” on jumping into marriage so young. Not that it was exactly by choice mind you, I hardly had boys lining up to try to date me, and I’m not at all the type to begin pursuing them. I still can’t imagine doing that.
The actual “how did this happen” crisis happened last year when the last of my non-Mormon friends from high school got engaged. Suddenly it wasn’t just my friends raised in a culture that encourages early marriage that were leaving me in the dust, but also everyone else.
But, truth be told, by the time I was about 22-23 the idea that I might never get married had fully taken root. That feeling I had at 18, that not caring that I wasn’t in that place yet was fading and being replaced with a disappointment. Disappointment mostly with myself, for not being enough, for not being able to reach that milestone.
Once when I was 18 a friend of mine told me that there was just “something about me that guys didn’t like”. It was hands down the least helpful thing anyone has every told me about myself. What was this thing about me that guys didn’t like? Was it something I could change? Was it my looks? My personality? My lack of feminine wiles? And worse than the ridiculous vagueness of her statement was the fact that this idea infected me. I would wonder frequently what could it be, can I change it? To this day I still wonder if she’s right, is there some quality to me that repels (repulses?) men, have I changed enough to get rid of it, or am I still just as repellent as ever?
I try not to dwell on such thoughts very often, they’re depressing, and ultimately not just unhelpful but actually actively harmful. But hey, at least I can recognize that, most of the time.