J. B. Elder @mostlyprocrastination - Tumblr Blog

ugh the yawning void where my soul should be kinda itches

#I am just fucking…I’m like one minor inconvenience away from just ignoring life entirely to live in daydreams #they’re soooo much better…I have friends there!#the void never screams back #but it does hurt like so much lollllllllllllllllllll #for my future self yes yes I did wake startled and pissed off because of the thing

like I know why having to take care of myself sends me into a fucking breakdown but like could it not? could I just be normal for five goddamn minutes

#it’s normal and good to want to kill yourself because you have to make breakfast while cramping #it’s normal and good to just not eat for the rest of the day because the thought of cooking another fucking meal is gonna make you blow your #brains tf out #it’s totally fine I’m totally fine #thank god this is an empty blog lol #the void never screams back

gritting my teeth and re-imagining myself as a village cryptid in training so I don’t ruin my fucking life over the fact that I will never live 🙃

#the void never screams back

I don’t think there’s a single person on this planet who can make me feel human, what do I do with that? How do I live with that?

#lowkey feel like the answer is either I don’t or I just continue on for no reason other than I have dogs #this is fun I love being alive and do not regret getting dogs #the void never screams back

today I woke up at 7:30 am

last night I went to sleep at 2am

I was tempted to wait until the people living in the rest of the house woke up to do my laundry and yard work but…fuck ‘em!

Life’s too short, like that one girl said “we die at the end, fuck ‘em!”

#the void is either super depressed super numb or actually getting somewhere with mental health!#also it’s cooler in the morning so yeah I’m doing the yard now

i actually don’t have to try pushing people away, I can just be myself and they leave all on their own 😏

#I’m done making sure to say things perfectly so as not to hurt other people’s feelings #everyone can fuck off - they do nothing for me anyway #the void is actually pretty okay with it

it’s nice that I’m delusional enough that I can think “well, at least the weather loves me”

does having people care about you enough to do things for you feel good? serious answers only

#the void never screams back #I’m just so tired of taking care of myself but I know I can’t #trust anyone else to do it #but hey at least it’s overcast and so I’m not sweating my balls off quite as bad anymore

yeah idk why I try to actually improve my life, it requires support but support doesn’t exist, never has lol

taking time out of my work day to read my sister’s suicide note (she survived) with my bestie is just the norm now

#she’s fine she just had a fight with her fiancée #idk how to tag this #I guess #the voice never screams back

mostlyprocrastination

im excited to do the dishes for the rest of my life, it’s fun to do the dishes for the rest of your life

mostlyprocrastination

it’s impossible to be motivated to clean my apartment when im the only one that ever cares about my well being

#like im struggggling but I bet I won’t hear anything from my ‘friends’ unless I they need me right?

im excited to do the dishes for the rest of my life, it’s fun to do the dishes for the rest of your life

#literallyyyyt just wanna die but I have to be everyone else emotional support while I rot away #anyways…

…had a dream that pissed me off so much I woke up at 4am and now I’m angry at someone I can’t yell at

#like bitch I genuinely wish you didn’t exist and had never existed like you’re a plague on this world (really just me)#I’m fucking exhausted because how do you resolve anger that doesn’t exist #the void never screams back

not my therapist wanting me to get more socialized but my and interpersonal relationships are not on good terms, best I can do is new acquaintances at this point

#and tbh even then…

genuinely so happy for the people who’ve overcome mental health struggles to live a good life but if y’all could just shut the fuck up sometimes.

#reposting from main blog for posterity #it still stands but also…like…if I ever need a reminder why I don’t ask for help lol #the void never screams back

it’s like every fucking time I’m feeling mildly at peace with myself the universe just has to remind me that I am in fact a worthless piece of shit

glad I was able to at least provide my mother with free labor and childcare while in my youth

can’t even say it ruined me because like…I was never an actual person and was never going to be one

#yay.#the void never screams back #once again requesting someone just fucking kill me at this point #did express my frustration with life to a friend like an hour ago and no response (she’s busy with her family) so…idk guys that’s like #permission from the universe right?

really hate how life is just empty lol

#gotta clean my apartment house whatever and then what?#I don’t have friends so no one’s coming over and I don’t have the energy to go anywhere #do I like just stare at a wall?#wasting this one and wretched life is fucking boring

I do love listening to people talk about how much better they’ve gotten mentally like yeah, you have a reason to, I don’t, shut the fuck up

#this is about the friend who had the nightmare I killed myself at her house #I think she’s trying to help but also girlie pop…you ignore me anytime your life isn’t shit because all I am is a shoulder to cry on #the void never screams back

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J. B. Elder