J. B. Elder @mostlyprocrastination - Tumblr Blog

genuinely so happy for the people who’ve overcome mental health struggles to live a good life but if y’all could just shut the fuck up sometimes.

#reposting from main blog for posterity #it still stands but also…like…if I ever need a reminder why I don’t ask for help lol #the void never screams back

it’s like every fucking time I’m feeling mildly at peace with myself the universe just has to remind me that I am in fact a worthless piece of shit

glad I was able to at least provide my mother with free labor and childcare while in my youth

can’t even say it ruined me because like…I was never an actual person and was never going to be one

#yay.#the void never screams back #once again requesting someone just fucking kill me at this point #did express my frustration with life to a friend like an hour ago and no response (she’s busy with her family) so…idk guys that’s like #permission from the universe right?

really hate how life is just empty lol

#gotta clean my apartment house whatever and then what?#I don’t have friends so no one’s coming over and I don’t have the energy to go anywhere #do I like just stare at a wall?#wasting this one and wretched life is fucking boring

I do love listening to people talk about how much better they’ve gotten mentally like yeah, you have a reason to, I don’t, shut the fuck up

#this is about the friend who had the nightmare I killed myself at her house #I think she’s trying to help but also girlie pop…you ignore me anytime your life isn’t shit because all I am is a shoulder to cry on #the void never screams back

cleaned my house and my body hurts (cracked my back weird cleaning a door) and tbh…why don’t I clean more often? the pain is like a little reward

#also had therapy and nearly slipped into the hell dimension when we started talking about my grandmother but I don’t think my therapist #noticed of course she didn’t of course 😊

mostlyprocrastination

baby mama had a dream i decided to to poison myself while visiting her and like, sure yeah that sounds like me, but id never do that while visiting her and the kids

mostlyprocrastination

so apparently in the dream, I waited until no one was home and then just put some poison in soda and died but luckily I left a voice memo that I wanted to be buried in the backyard (because I didn’t want to live but didn’t want to be away from her and the family) so her and her husband did that but she was nervous because she didn’t know where my car was and no one had called to see where I was so she was worried someone was gonna assume they killed me

I wouldn’t kill myself at someone else’s house, that’s just rude but I was just thinking about like how ethical it would be to use my body as a Halloween decoration

#we laughed about it so it’s fine

baby mama had a dream i decided to to poison myself while visiting her and like, sure yeah that sounds like me, but id never do that while visiting her and the kids

#life’s interesting like that huh #i did literally say out loud yesterday while at work that i could not wait to die lol #but I don’t live anywhere near her so no idea how she found out

setting the tiniest goals for myself but with larger impacts

like, I want to take a bath, the problem is I don’t have a bathtub nor is my shower big enough for one of those tubs you can just set up and fill, so I have to get financially stable and get a better paying job and then buy a house with a bathtub

this will not frustrate me into inaction at all

feeling extra spiteful today not sure what I’m gonna do just yet but I think it’s time to ruin other people’s lives for a change

#bad ideas loading #I mean…honestly it’s never difficult to find shit on someone who thinks they’re the center of the universe #the annoying thing is you can show an idiot video of their lover killing someone in cold blood and they’ll still find a way to defend the #fucking bastard

More tales of my son (who I did not birth), he also says “don’t worry about it, it’s fine” to pretty much everything his mom should worry about and I say “don’t worry about it, it’s fine” when it’s either super not fine and I’m about to end it all or when I’m up to mischief

#idk how my bestie gave birth to my child but she did #he hid rotten food in his room and put things in his vent - two things I did call as a kid

mostlyprocrastination

I live to be everyone’s emotional support…by that i don’t mean i enjoy it it’s just apparently my only fucking purpose in life

mostlyprocrastination

incorrect, I am also a bank

#🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄#I need to learn to scream so when I fuck off to the woods I can scare people away banshee style #the void never screams back

i do find it funny that no matter what i do none of this will ever matter

#like sure all life is sacred except mine #because the best i get from anyone is moderately regular check ins #like…never had someone defend me on a regular enough basis that it’s expected #never had someone outright check in like ‘yo you good?’#and I can’t even communicate what I actually mean because I am just wrong in the incorrect way ugh #the void never screams back

a single fucking oleander bloomed in the garden, I have never planted oleander and it’s never bloomed here before so…time to get tf out I think

#like of all the signs to come that’s the one? what am I a fucking tree nymph?#idk how to even tag this tbh #fucking plant based prophecies #there we go

for no reason at all, really trying to figure out which character’s fate was always to be alone

#like even the book about the character marooned in another realm isn’t meant to be there nor is the witch in the woods but surely someone #was always gonna be..Orion lol…of course it’s Orion #never mind - as you were dear void

Need nocturnal friends because why am I wide awake with nothing to do but can’t get back to sleeping

#what pisses me off is I almost got more sleep but then had a dream I was at work in an office and some asshole caught me napping so #literally sat on my chest and snapped his fucking fingers in my face to wake me up which woke me up in the fucking real world #I have never worked in an office and never seen that fucking man before in my life but i guess i pissed him off at some point #fucking rude

I don’t want to be more mindful, I know what’s in here and none of it is good or fun

#the void never screams back

i need the world to improve so i can go back to being the only miserable bitch here

#like atp everyone wants to head off to clown college #I know I’m not special but damn now I’m less special than I was

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J. B. Elder