Reborn

Recording my thoughts. This is where I'll come to escape.

[mouldedfromashes]

I'm Back

This space is not about perfection it’s about the chaos that built me The mistakes that turned into lessons and the quiet moments that rewired how I see the world I am not here to impress or pretend I’m here to document the fragments of my life that shaped me the ups the downs and the truths that don’t always sound pretty but feel real If you came looking for something polished you might want to keep scrolling If you came for honesty stay

I’ve accepted that I’m predictable by now I return here whenever life decides to remind me that peace is temporary The good thing is no one’s really reading and those who might don’t judge There’s a quiet comfort in that

So here I am again with updates that promise turbulence I’m oddly grateful Tumblr still exists Some familiar names still haunt the feed it feels like coming back to a place that never moved even when I did

My writing has evolved but it’s still me underneath it all Still the same damaged inventory trying to convince the world that my bruises are proof of endurance not fragility Still learning the hard way ignoring every caution sign with a strange pride in being unrefined Unedited Unfiltered Organic

[mouldedfromashes]

A guy was telling me that his area has a lot of drug addicts.

He couldn't understand it because there are other depressed, struggling communities that don't have nearly as many.

I told him: "I wonder why some kitchens have more sugar ants than others."

Some things don't appear out of nowhere. They go where the conditions attract them.

#ThinkAboutIt #CauseAndEffect #RealityCheck

[mouldedfromashes]

I once got so pissed off with someone that I decided not to say a single word to them.

Not because I had nothing to say.

Not because I was trying to be the bigger person.

I was so done that I didn't even want my words motivating them to become a better person.

I didn't want to teach them a lesson.

I didn't want to inspire growth.

I didn't want to help them improve.

I simply wanted them to continue their journey... somewhere far away from mine.

Sometimes silence isn't wisdom.

[mouldedfromashes]

It's after 7 pm. On a friday night, clients are messaging me to chat.

I have more important things to do!

I am not your therapist!

If you can't afford one, curl up in a blanket with a glass of wine and watch tv.

Just like I am doing!!

#tomorrowisanotherday

[mouldedfromashes]

This one is hard to say out loud, but I need to say it somewhere.

My father has Alzheimer’s. Watching that unfold in real time is something I don’t think anything really prepares you for. This is a man I’ve always seen as strong, sharp, steady… my hero. And now I’m watching pieces of him slip, little by little, and it does something to you inside.

What’s been just as hard is everything around it.

When the signs first started, I felt like I was on the outside of something I should’ve been a part of. Things were downplayed, even denied, and I had to hear concerns from other people before I could even have a straight conversation at home. Even now, with everything out in the open, it still feels like there’s this need to control the narrative… but not always the willingness to accept help or different ideas.

And that’s frustrating, because I don’t want to fight anyone. I just want what’s best for him.

But then there’s the part that’s harder to explain.

Sometimes when he gets confused, he starts dancing when music plays. People laugh, they cheer, and I know it’s not coming from a bad place… but something about it doesn’t sit right with me. It feels like I’m watching him try to make sense of a world that’s slipping away from him, and turning that into a moment of entertainment just doesn’t land the same for me.

Maybe I’m wrong. Maybe it’s just another way of coping. I don’t have all the answers.

What I do know is… it’s painful to witness. And some days, I choose to step away, not because I don’t care, but because I care so much that I don’t always know how to process what I’m seeing.

I’m also wrestling with what this means for me, for my own future, my own mind, my own memories.

There’s a lot here. And I don’t think there’s a clean “solution” to any of it.

Just trying to understand it, piece by piece.

[mouldedfromashes]

I was at one of my local social spots , as some might say watering holes.

I sat with a few of the regulars who I consider associates and another I see there often.

I usually sit with my back to a wall or when I can see the door. However, I met them there, and the available seat (even though outdoor) left me exposed with my back to the entrance and other patrons.

I heard this guy shouting, sounding angry , in an argument, and I kept trying subtly to turn and see where the nosie was coming from. It got a bit ridiculous and was the 1st time I personally had heard that behavior in this spot.

I eyed the security, and he moved into action. Him standing and watching them was enough to create the quiet.

The unknown at my table noticed what I did and interjected.. saying.

"That's my girlfriend"

I looked at him confused, he said.

"Well thats her ex boyfriend"

I still looked at him . At this stage, I was certain he saw the age growing on me.

He said.

" thats my girlfriend and her ex-boyfriend, and they are just going through it"..

I am like what!! WTF !! Its a woman he was talking to like that!!..

At this point, I hadn't internalised not just a woman but one he called his partner.

I asked the guy next to him to swith seats with me as the others were in a different convo and frankly zipcode.

Unknown went on to say she was in an abusive relationship with that guy and left him.. now they are together 11 months.

I said pal I dont know you, but it looks like she is still in an abusive relationship..

He says

"Nah, it was physical, but he can't touch her no more"

I was like.....stop you think only physical abuse is abuse?

He says,

"No, but I understand him, and she knows how to press buttons"

I ask, so you are sideing with the guy, her exboyfried that is shouting at her?

He says

"Thats theres to sort out".

I say clearly you are some kinda damaged human like WTF!.

He says

"I just came out of a nasty divorce."

Guess what! , there is no end to this story... I couldn't respond.

It all made no sense,

I was also thinking ,does he have any friends, because someone ought to tell him.. his girl and her ex are probably still fucking...

Detective work not hard!

[mouldedfromashes]

I’ve noticed something about myself.

When my tribe is going through it, I feel it too. Not just emotionally, but sometimes physically. And part of me thinks it shouldn’t be like that, but it is.

There’s this quiet wish in me that I could fix it somehow. Bring things back into harmony. Smooth it out. But I know that’s not my role. Some things belong to life itself, not to me.

Still, knowing that doesn’t make it easier.

When you really love people, it’s hard to watch them hurt. Even harder when they’re hurting each other. You’re there, you care, but you can’t take the pain away. You can’t cool it, you can’t carry it for them.

And after a while, the words run dry. You find yourself saying the same things over and over, and they hear you, but they’re not really listening.

But then, slowly, something shifts. They start finding their way back to each other. There’s a little more peace, a little more understanding.

And in that moment, you realize it’s your turn to heal too.

It takes time. Sometimes longer than you expect. But it comes.

Because at the end of the day, you’re one person, but you’re not meant to be without your tribe.

#peaceout

[mouldedfromashes]

Today I had a message from beyond.

I’ve had moments like that before, but not in a long time. The last one was close to ten years ago. And just like back then, the message wasn’t for me. It came through me, but it belonged to someone else.

So I reached out.

And just like before, the person was going through something heavy, something real, something they needed those exact words for. Not my words. I’m very clear about that. I was just the one who delivered it.

Experiences like this do something to you. It makes it hard to settle into neat, structured ideas about spirituality or religion. The clean, explained versions don’t quite hold up the same when you’ve felt something you can’t explain away.

All I know is this: there’s something beyond what we see. Call it energy, call it whatever you want. But it exists. I’ve felt it. I’ve lived it. I’ve seen how it moves, how it reaches.

I don’t know what’s waiting on the other side when we cross that line. But I do believe this now more than ever, there is something there. And sometimes, somehow, it reaches back.

#peaceout

[mouldedfromashes]

I remember when I was younger, working at a company, involved in a few projects. One day my boss asked me about a part of the project I had nothing to do with, no knowledge, no context. So I answered honestly: “I don’t know.”

She didn’t take it well.

She scoffed, looked at me like I’d just said something offensive, and went off: “I hate to hear a man say ‘I don’t know.’ That’s the most disgusting thing.”

Maybe she was wrong. Maybe it was unfair. But it stuck.

From that point on, something shifted in me. I made it a habit to know, at least enough to hold a conversation, about anything I touched or came across. And when I didn’t know, I stopped saying it outright. Instead, it became: “Let me look into that,” or “I’ll get back to you.”

And I do get back to people. Even when it means going down rabbit holes of information that don’t really matter to me. Even when the person who asked doesn’t care anymore or was just making conversation. I still go and find out.

Somewhere along the way, it turned into this constant need to have answers, or at least be able to get them.

Now I find myself on the other side of that moment. I’ll ask someone a question, and they’ll just say, “I don’t know,” and leave it there. And I catch myself thinking, no, give me more than that. Give me “I’ll find out.”

It’s strange how things get passed down like that. A moment that didn’t feel good at the time becomes something you carry forward anyway.

Just sharing.

[mouldedfromashes]

The more I look at the worlds state of affairs is the more I think of the Hand maids. Tale

[mouldedfromashes]

Sometimes, I want to curl in bed and cuddle.. well, most times. This is where it takes two to tango sounds relevant.

#safespace #partner #relationship #goals #whatslovegottodowithit #singlelife

[mouldedfromashes]

It’s been over ten years since I walked away from corporate life.

I don’t take the trips anymore, no flights, no hotel rooms, no conventions.

I don’t have the money or the resources I once did.

What I have is enough.

My work now pays my mortgage, pays my bills.

I owe no one.

I live without debt.

I cancelled my credit card five years ago and never looked back.

Somewhere along the way, I realised something unexpected,

I am humbly richer than I ever was back then.

I move to the beat of my own drum now.

Yes, self employment means you belong to everybody else, 24/7, 365,

but it also means I can wake up late if I choose.

I set my own days.

I drink coffee at home, slowly.

I step outside and pick papaya from the tree.

Papaya and yogurt for breakfast.

I garden.

I watch my pets wake up, feed them, play with them.

I listen to jazz before I even sit behind my computer.

I get to write.

I get to paint.

I do crosswords and sudoku in the middle of the day.

I hit the beach during the week, when it’s quiet and unbothered.

I choose which call I take first.

I choose who gets my energy.

I listen to friends talk about their work, their deadlines, their stress,

and I get to respond not from urgency, but from philosophy,

from calm,

from a place that asks how do we find peace inside all of this.

Somehow, without planning it,

without announcing it,

without even noticing at first,

I am living my dream.

I am living my best life.

And I am finally enjoying the journey.

[mouldedfromashes]

I saw a reel recently that summed up part of who I am, and this scared me.

Not in a way that troubles my spirit but in a way that proves to me how I incorrectly viewed myself or selfworth

This guy said he didn't see himself as worthy or good enough to date a woman who had all her needs met financially.

Every relationship he ever had, he brought something to the table..

(As a man, this makes sense to me)

He learned from his therapist that this stemmed from childhood.

He always contributed to the household, bills, etc.

In other words, to be loved, you had to contribute, give, and add financial value.

I've met with women who I think are remarkable , but because they have everything together, i naturally assume they are out of my league.

Now, I do well formyself , however, although they never asked for me to add financially , I put that on myself , tail between my legs, and never gave it a moment.

Realisation.

Every time I think I took off the cape and stopped wearing my underwear outside my clothes, I see I have another suit to take off.

I am going to wing this one and develop the audacity required to not think finances are important because, really, if "she" is interested, it wouldn't matter.

[zagrebinaa]

[mouldedfromashes]

I want days like this!!

[mouldedfromashes]

This is where I am in my head.

Not that I can't be in person. It's only a 30-minute drive.

This thing is I believe in statistics. The less something occurs there are always greater probability of it happening.

Stick with me a sec.

The last (only time) time I received a ticket for traffic offense was in 2006, and it was ridiculous but I was to busy to go to court and paid the fine..which if I remember was $200 dollars.

Now, if that same thing were to occur, the fine would be $2000 dollars

That's it was $1000 and recently doubled..

Side note a speeding, which I generally dont do, is now $4500. It's not my problem.. but expensive.

I've been driving for so long and never had any accidents that my vechile insurance is a lot less than $1000/year..

My thought process based on statistics is that I am due for a ticket..and honestly have better use for my money.

As a result I dont even want to drive anymore.

Not even to the beach..

Other than work, if you get me out, it is because I have love for you.

[mouldedfromashes]

Yesterday my fater wished me Happy new year..

He said I wish you all you want for yourself..I was good with that.

Then he said I wish you all God wants for you.. and I got upset..

Like, what does that even mean?

I asked him to explain.. and of course, the words were just repeated over and over, which isn't an explination but repitition. I dont know if he thinks changing the tone of the words is an interpretation.

It pissed me off, and I still am not sure why, I could have left it alone.

I think it's because I am disappointed , he doesn’t even know why, but I'm projecting it onto me..

Stop that.. if you can't, please stay quiet.

[mouldedfromashes]

So it's 2026.

I was just listening to a reel that said my birth sign is now aligned because of something with neptune ...yadda yadda.. and in 2011, I was the last time I was able to see people for who they are and not what I think they could be....now, in 2026, I'll see them and act accordingly .

Somehow, I think that blindness was a lot further back than 2011.

The upside is I'll definitely act as if I see until I do.. fake it till you make it..

On a real note , I need to dig into my business and spend less time prospecting for the right companion. Lord know 2025 was a relationship movie.

I feel like my character was played by Joaquin phoenix- in Joker... or forest whitaker - last king of scotland and a mix of everything kevin heart ever acted in..

At the end of the day, it's

an opportunity to pivot