Sunday / Monday, January 27 / 28, 2019 । রবিবার / সোমবার , ১৩ই / ১৪ই মাঘ, ১৪২৫
Divorce is one of the most destructive, emotionally traumatic experiences a human being can go through, no matter if you're the instigator or the recipient. It's hard, and it hurts, and it takes a long time to feel normal again.
Going through a divorce is a lot like getting hit by a Mack truck on a deserted highway in the middle of winter – it’s cold, lonely, and it hurts like hell. It is one of the most financially traumatic things you can go through. Money spent on getting mad or getting even is money wasted.
If you spend your divorce fighting so intensely that you create a hatred of biblical proportions with your former spouse, your divorce process will be a lot like surviving the plagues – you may get through it, but the scars will be with you forever.
Remember, there are NO perfect relationship. It’s how you accept the imperfections that make it perfect.
Maybe you aren't somebody who wants or expects to have the perfect relationship. However, whether we're aware of it or not, we all have expectations of what marriage, our partner, or our lives will turn out like. And when those expectations (sometimes they're unconscious) aren't met, we can understandably become dissatisfied. If this dissatisfaction isn’t addressed it will grow and lead to resentment and other strong feelings that will ultimately causing a couple to drift apart.
Being willing to change is how to stop a divorce. And one of the most important things we can change is our expectations. Unrealistic or unmet expectations are at the root of the majority of marital problems. The failure of expectations to be realized causes disappointment and unhappiness. Many people live with this disappointment allowing it to eat away at them and hurt their relationship.
At the core of how to prevent or stop a divorce is change. Refusing to change or not changing is the cause of all divorces. This is true for both partners in the relationship. If things are going the wrong direction it is usually a combination of behaviors from both that are the cause. Taking stock of your relationship early on and making changes as they’re needed will go a long way toward keeping your relationship strong.
You can stop a divorce with 3 little words. No, not “I love you,” (those are important too though). The three words that can stop a divorce are "I will change." You may not know how, and that's okay because there are people out there like me that can teach you. You just need to be willing to change yourself more than you want to change your partner. It's possible that your partner needs to make changes as well, but the only behavior you can really affect is your own. You have to be willing to make the needed changes within yourself and expect that your partner will do the same, or seek the needed help.
If you want to stop a divorce, try working on changing yourself, and start with the words, "I will change." We all can list things our partner has told us that they wish we would do differently and that's a great place to start. Even if you cannot stop the divorce, being willing to change is something that will definitely benefit you in the future.
Adjusting to life after a divorce can take anywhere from a few weeks to many years. During that time, you may experience a range of emotions. You may also be more susceptible to certain conditions, including post-traumatic stress disorder, depression, and various physical conditions.
The depression that occurs due to traumatic life events such as divorce is different from clinical depression. It’s called adjustment disorder or situational depression. Both clinical depression and situational depression manifest in similar ways.
In some people, depression following divorce can occur with other behaviors, such as:
ignoring responsibilities
avoiding family and friends
performing poorly at work due to a lack of focus
Most people associate sadness with depression. Sadness is only one of several symptoms of depression. Other symptoms that are common in both clinical and situational depression include:
a loss of interest in activities you previously enjoyed and hobbies
trouble sleeping or insomnia
feelings of hopelessness and pessimism, as well as a lost sense of worthiness
suicidal thoughts and even attempts
The risk of a couple divorcing is two times higher if one partner has a form of mental distress, such as clinical depression. If both partners share a similar level of mental distress, they’re less likely to divorce, It’s possible that they’re less likely to divorce because they understand each other better and can relate to each other’s health challenges.
A relationship between two people who both experience mental distress is more at risk for divorce than a relationship between two people who don’t experience mental distress. This has prompted researchers to conclude that pre-existing mental distress can lead to divorce.
Tips for managing post-divorce depression
Seek help
Seek help if you’re feeling depressed. Talk to your doctor, but also consider talking to friends and family members, or joining a support group.
Divorce affects more than just the partners. It also affects any children of the people divorcing, the larger family network, and family friends. Having a support network as you go through this process is important.
You’ll have many feelings, and processing them can take a lot of energy. This can leave you feeling more tired than usual. Here are some tips for getting on a path to recovery:
Write in a journal.
Even if you have a support network, it’s good practice to write down your thoughts. You don’t need to hold back. If you need closure of some kind, consider writing a letter to your ex-spouse as another way to purge your feelings. You don’t have to send the letter to them.
Exercise daily.
Exercise even when you don’t feel like it. Research shows that between 20 to 40 minutes of brisk walking three times per week helps to ease the symptoms of depression.
Eat healthy.
You may be drawn to comfort foods or alcohol more than usual. Keep healthy foods around. Rather than having unhealthy foods or alcohol, treat yourself to wholesome snacks, such as dark chocolate.
Pamper yourself.
Pamper yourself by taking a long, uninterrupted bath or watching a feel-good movie. If you have children, arrange for an hour or two of babysitting so that you can have the time to do this.
Accept help.
You may have less energy during this period of adjustment. If people offer to help you with preparing meals, watching your children, or household chores, say yes. You can return the favor later.
Socialize.
Being around people may be the last thing you want to do, but it can help you cope with any emotions you’re having. Spend time with people who can provide a listening ear but who are also willing to help change your state of mind when necessary.
Sleep.
Depression increases the risk of insomnia and insomnia, in turn, increases your risk for depression. If you have trouble falling asleep, adopt a night routine that will help calm your body and mind, such as having a cup of chamomile tea, taking a bath or shower, or reading a book. Avoid using electronic screens because they can prevent you from settling to sleep.
Takeaway
You’ll have many feelings and thoughts to process after a divorce. You can get through it and find a new normal without your spouse. Setting small goals every day helps.
Not giving up is the most important thing. On the days when nothing seems to work, remind yourself that you’re worth it. Make that your starting point for the days to come.
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