test anxiety
author’s note: i’m back on my bullshit❤️
pairing: non-idol! san x fem! reader
genre: fluff/comfort
warnings: none
word count: 3.5k
you’ve been studying for your exam for the past four days in a row. you have a major case of test anxiety, and aren’t the best student even when you try, so you’ve been studying harder than normal. you cannot fail this exam or else you'll have to retake this class next semester. your boyfriend san is a good student naturally, although he does put more effort into his studies than you do (you have a bad habit of procrastinating). one thing you appreciate about him is that he never makes you feel bad about your grades or how you do in a class. he simply tells you that school isn’t meant for everyone and that you have other strengths. he often offers to help you study for an exam or read through an essay you’ve written before you submit it. and while you’re not confident in your writing, you try your best to push your insecurities out of your mind, knowing that he’s never said anything hurtful, and always finds something in your paper to compliment.
this time was no different. “you want me to come over and help you study? i’ll make us dinner and can spend the night if you want.” he says over the phone. wednesdays were one of the two days a week where the two of you don’t get to see each other on campus due to your busy schedules. on those days, you try to have dinner together or facetime.
“oh my god, please.” you half beg him. “i would really appreciate it if you quiz me on a couple of concepts i’ve been having some trouble with… in return i’ll buy you ice cream or coffee… or literally anything.” you start to ramble.
“baby, baby, you don’t have to convince me, i offered.” he reminds you.
“yeah, true. okay. thank you thank you thank you! i’ve gotta run, class is about to start! i love you.” you sit in a seat in the auditorium where your lecture is held every week.
“i love you too, baby. i’ll see you around 5:30.”
“ok, bye.” you smile at the thought of him before hanging up to pull your laptop out of your bag.
– – –
you get back to your dorm around 4:45. figuring you won’t be leaving the dorm for the rest of the day, you decide to take advantage of this time to shower the busy day off.
once you’re in comfy clothes and ready for your night in, you pull out your computer, notebook, and flashcards and bring them into the kitchen where your dining space is so that you can study while he makes dinner. it takes about ten minutes before you get a call from san asking you to let him into your building.
when you greet him, you find he has his backpack, a small duffle with his clothes, and a bag full of groceries.
“god, i’m sorry baby, i should’ve helped you carry stuff up.” you rush to grab the groceries from his arm.
“it’s okay, i’ll just set my stuff down in your room and i’ll meet you in the kitchen.” he says before giving you a kiss on the forehead.
– – –
you spend the next four hours going over the exam material only taking a break to eat dinner. san’s just finished drying and putting away the dishes when he suggests you call it a night.
“you wanna stop now? you think that’s a good idea? i mean i’m still a little fuzzy on a couple of things in chapter eight…” you shuffle through your notes.
“you’ve gotten that stuff right the past three times we’ve gone over it. i think you’ve got it.” he reassures you as he skims through your flashcards. you give him a pitiful look.
“are you sure? you don’t think i should go through it one more time? what if i forget it all by morning?” you give him a look that he can only describe as ‘worried puppy-dog eyes’.
“i mean, we can if you really want to, but i think you need to remember to give your brain a break too. i’m telling you baby, you’ve got this. i can even quiz you as you get ready in the morning.” he reaches out to tuck a piece of hair behind your ear.
you nod. your head does hurt and you have been studying a lot the past few days.
“what if we go get ice cream and we can see how you feel when we come back?” he collects your flashcards and puts them back in order, arranging them into a neat pile.
“yeah. that sounds good. i just need to change into leggings or something.” you look down at your pj shorts. “and can i borrow your sweatshirt?” you stand up, gathering your things to take them back to your room.
san smiles, he knows you love to wear his hoodies. “of course.” he follows you into your room where you set your stuff on your desk before going to one of your drawers to pull out a pair of leggings.
meanwhile, san pulls his hoodie out of his duffle bag and hands it to you once you’re done changing bottoms. you slip into his hoodie and pull the neckline of it up to your nose, smelling the fabric and relishing in the scent of san’s cologne. you smile and do a little happy dance. he pulls you into a hug and kisses the top of your head. “you’re a weirdo.” he says with a smile.
“your weirdo.” you look up at him. he nods, still smiling and you can see his eyes scan the features of your face. “and don’t act like you don’t secretly love when i steal your clothes.” he nods again before swiping his thumb across your cheek. you stand on your tippy-toes to peck him on the lips. when you open your eyes to look at him again, you watch his smile fade and his gaze turns into something a little more serious. then his eyes stare at your lips.
he goes in for a kiss. deeper this time, but still soft. when he breaks away, he places a small kiss on the tip of your nose. “you’re too hard on yourself.” he softly sways you in his arms. “you work really hard, i don’t think you give yourself enough credit.”
you rest your forehead on his chest. “what if it’s not enough?”
“all you can do is try your best. if it doesn’t work out, it’s not the end of the world. you can always take this class in the summer or next semester.”
“i know but we wanted to go on a trip this summer. i don’t want me failing a class to be the reason that we can’t.” you look up at him again and give him a pout.
“we can still go, we’d just have to move it to a different date after the summer term… and that’s if you even need to take it again. i really think you’ll do better than you expect.” he brings his hand up and brushes the back of his hand softly against your cheek.
before you can object, he takes your hand in his to lead you out of the room. “come on. let’s go get ice cream.” he grabs his wallet and keys from where they lay on your desk before you both leave the dorm.
– – –
when you guys come back, you decide to take his advice and call it a night from studying. you both get ready for bed, chatting about various things: how san’s day was, upcoming projects he has that are due soon, how his family has been, and updates from the new valorant patch.
by the time the two of you lay in bed, it’s 11:30pm. you lay on your back with a huff and stare at the ceiling. “i’m not tired yet.”
san looks up at you from his phone. “we could watch a couple episodes of a show or something, but you really should try to sleep since you have to wake up kinda early tomorrow.”
“yeah… that’s true...” you fiddle with the strings on your pj shorts.
“come on, at least try to sleep. come here.” he sets his phone down and motions for you to lay in his arms. you scoot over and nuzzle your face into his neck. “now, close your eyes.” he places a hand on the back of your head, smoothing out your hair. you let out a huff. “okayyyy” you drag out the word, to emphasize the fact that you really aren’t tired at all.
after a few moments, you peek up at him to see if he’s fallen asleep yet. he peeks down at you, only opening one eye. when the two of you make eye contact, you both laugh. “i guess i’m not tired either.” he confesses, opening his eyes to stare at the ceiling.
“so why are you getting on my case about not being tired?” you say through a laugh and gently smack his chest.
“because i’m not the one who needs to be up early for their exam in the morning.” he pokes your cheek and gives you a dimply smile.
“can you sing to me or something?” you give him your best puppy-dog eyes in hopes that he’ll say yes.
you can still remember the day you found out he could sing really well. you both were in his car listening to a shared playlist the two of you made, when he started singing the chorus of far by sza. you immediately turned the volume down to ask him how long he’s been able to sing that well and why he never told you.
because it’s not a skill many people know he has, he usually only sings in the car or at the occasional private karaoke rooms if he’s out with close friends.
since then, he’s become more comfortable singing and humming whenever he’s around you, but this is the first time you’re asking him to genuinely sing to you with no background music.
he blinks at you like he’s trying to decide on if he’s willing to or not. then a thought pops into his head: if this can help you sleep, he’s willing to do it. plus, he thinks it’s cute you like his voice so much.
“hmmm… i don’t know…” he teases. “what song?” he brushes strands of hair away from your eyes.
you think for a moment. “orange juice by alfie jukes? or monologue by jukjae?”
“two different vibes. interesting.”
“i don’t know. i like those songs… and they’re on our playlist.” you shrug your shoulders.
“i’m not judging, just commenting… i think i’ll sing monologue.”
“yay!” you do a little happy dance in celebration that he said yes to singing to you. “thank you!” you kiss his cheek.
“you comfy?” he lifts his head to make sure his arm isn’t pulling your hair.
“yeah, i’m all good. sing away.” you nuzzle your face into his chest and close your eyes ready to be serenaded.
— — —
you both grumble at the loud noise just outside your room. “you have the worst roommates, baby.” he says into your hair. his voice raspy from still being half asleep.
you check your clock. “i know… it’s almost 3am on a wednesday night… doesn’t she have class tomorrow?” you mumble. you felt like you had finally fallen asleep when you were rudely woken up by your loud roommate and her friends going down the hallway.
“d’you want me to go out there and talk to them?” he offers, lifting his head to try to make eye contact with you.
“shouldn’t i do it since i live here?” you ask with a yawn as you rub your eyes.
“i mean i’ve met her and her boyfriend before… i’ll do it. plus, i know you don’t like confrontation and you really need to go to sleep baby… you have to wake up in like, five hours.” he brushes strands of hair from your face before kissing your forehead.
you nod. “thank you…. i guess we should’ve just stayed at your place tonight…”
since he’s laying on the inside of the bed—between you and the wall that your bed is up against— he maneuvers himself over you to get out before putting his white t-shirt on. “it’s ok, next time. try to sleep, love.”
you watch as he puts his slippers on and walks out in his blue plaid pajama pants, going out to the kitchen to talk to your roommate and her rowdy guests.
— — —
a few moments later, you hear the door open. he closes it softly and tries his best to quietly lock it— you assume he thinks you’ve already fallen asleep.
“successful?” you ask softly. you turn your fairy lights on that hang above your bed.
“that doesn’t sound like sleeping…” he says with a small huff.
“you weren’t even gone long enough for me to fall asleep.” you defend as you reach your hand out towards him, your invitation for him to lay back down.
he kicks his slippers off and takes his shirt off again. “before i get back into bed, can i open your window? it’s kinda hot in here.” he grabs the hand you’re holding out and softly sways it side-to-side while he asks his question and waits for your answer.
“of course baby, you don’t need to ask me.” you let go of his hand so he can open the window and let the cool breeze in.
“besides, if i get cold, i can just cling myself to you and be warm again.” you smile at the thought of clinging to him and he breathes out a small laugh.
he turns around and flops onto his stomach on the mattress. “so, not successful?” you ask reaching down towards him to pet the back of his head, running your fingers through his hair.
“well, they’re all pretty drunk in there… they apologized, but i wouldn’t get your hopes up about them staying quiet.” he moves to get into the covers next to you.
“thanks for trying anyway—“ you cut yourself off, “you don’t have to lay on the inside if you’re hot, we can switch places. i don’t want you to sleep badly because you’re hot.” you offer your spot on the outer side of the bed, where it’s easier to kick off the covers to help regulate the temperature.
“are you sure?” he’s hesitant to make you move from your usual side. at his place, his bed isn’t against a wall so it’s less cramped. “i wouldn’t offer if i didn’t mean it.” you say as you scoot over to his side. your hand pats the mattress where you once laid and he gets in.
he turns the fairy lights off and turns to face you, before he closes his eyes like he’s trying to go to sleep.
he sighs, feeling his body relax before he hears you turn onto your back. he peeks one eye open to check if you’re sleeping. when he sees that you’re staring at the ceiling, he reaches out to softly touch your cheek. “you still can’t sleep? did you sleep at all?”
“yeah i did, but now that i’m awake i just keep thinking about the exam again… plus i have an essay due next monday and i haven’t even picked my topic.” you sigh. “i’ve been so bad this semester with my procrastination… i don’t know what’s wrong with me. i’m not usually this bad.” you rub your face with both hands.
“i know it’s easier said than done, but you can’t worry about your essay right now. you can start it tomorrow once you’ve got this exam out of the way.” he reaches out to place his hand on your hands. “besides, you studied your ass off for this exam. i know you’re ready for it.” he pulls one of your hands from your face and rubs his thumb over your knuckles. “right now you need to sleep, baby.”
you sigh and nod.
“do you want me to rub your back? i know that helps you feel sleepy. you can lay on me and i can rub your back for a while.”
how is he real? you wonder to yourself. “i mean if you’re still hot you won’t sleep well with me laying on you with my body heat. plus, you need to sleep too. you also have classes tomorrow, remember?”
“first of all, i don’t have lecture until 1pm, so i can sleep in longer than you. second, i can spare ten minutes to rub your back.” he gives you a small smile and squeezes your hand with his. “and you don’t have to lay on me. you could lay on your stomach or turn the other way if you want.”
your heart clenches at his sincerity. what did i do to deserve him? you ask yourself. nevertheless, you were convinced.
“okay… twist my arm.” you say sarcastically before turning to lay on your stomach. you maneuver yourself so your head is turned towards him. “thank you for helping me study and for making me dinner… and for singing to me— and just everything. i really appreciate it.” you say before closing your eyes. he rubs soothing circles on your back occasionally focusing on particularly tense spots.
“of course, baby. sleep well, my love.” he admires your features as he hears your breathing slow to a steady pace.
finally. he thinks to himself. he slips his hand under your shirt—wanting to touch your soft skin— but doesn’t stray from the original task at hand.
he knows you’re not a morning person, and worse when you don’t get at least six hours of sleep, which at this point, you’ll be getting about four and some change. he knows you’ll be grumpy in the morning, like you are most mornings, but he actually finds it kind of endearing and funny, rather than annoying. he has also learned over-time, that you get less grumpy when he gives you extra kisses. he also figures he can just buy you a coffee in the morning and give it to you after your exam. this gives him an excuse to see you between your classes and will give you the opportunity to tell him how you think the exam went.
eventually, he falls asleep too.
— — —
it’s difficult for you to wake up the next morning, but your anxiety makes you feel restless, so you don’t even try to lay in bed for longer. you try to be quiet, not wanting to wake san up.
when you’re in your bathroom brushing your hair, you hear a soft knock on the door.
“yeah?” you ask, hair tie in your mouth as your hands work to smooth bumps in your hair. you look in the mirror to see san open the door. “hey, did i wake you up? i tried to be quiet.” you say as you tie your hair up.
“no, you’re good, but i promised you i’d quiz you, remember?” he stands behind you and rubs soothing circles on your back.
“you don’t have to, go back to sleep. i can review on my way to class.” you lean your head back against his chest.
“nuh-uh.” he objects. “i’m awake and you still have like ten more minutes before you have to go. let’s quickly review.” you both walk out of the bathroom and he grabs your flash cards while you pack your bag for class.
— — —
once you’ve left for class, san gets ready and leaves to grab you both a coffee. he figures he’ll meet you outside of your classroom to greet you with it and ask how it went.
when you meet up with him again, you explain that you think you did well. “i was fuzzy on a couple of questions, but there were eighty, so i figure my chances of passing are high… hopefully.” you say as you grab the coffee from him. “and there were some questions on the chapter eight material which i know for a fact i got right, so thanks for helping me review last night. and thank you for the surprise coffee. i really needed it.” you take a sip as he wraps his arm around you. you both walk outside and sit at a bench, in hopes that the fresh morning air will wake you to up.
“see? i knew you could do it. i’m sure you’ll pass. you already sound way more confident than when you took the last exam.” he takes your hand in his and gives it a reassuring squeeze.
you lean your head on his shoulder, grateful to have someone so supportive.
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a/n: i hope everyone enjoyed reading! it's been a hot minute since i've published something (oopsies!) 🤭 i will try to be more active!