a library of sorts

•18+ blog• i don’t know what i’m doing but i’m trying my best•

[mournfulmew]

••••••

amy. 24. minors and normal dni apply. huge introvert with a love for music, cats, fish, video games, fantasy, and weird creepy things. slowly getting back into things that brought me joy growing up. writing in between working and life. saw bad omens 2/28 :). inbox is always open. message to be added to the tag list.

••••••

MASTERLIST BELOW

••••••

If I’m There

prologue. one. two. three. four. five.

••••••

love is blind au sneak peek

[mournfulmew]

hey i’ve been so mia from this blog but my life has been so crazy and i feel like there’s no floor under me. but i saw the boys in concert and that was life changing. and then i just saw that if im there quite literally just got added to a recommendations list- which is absolutely insane and feels fake and i do not belong on that list with those amazing authors so thank you so much. but those two things just gave me the motivation to start writing again. so thank you so much. i’ll open the google docs tonight after work. i appreciate all of you.

[mournfulmew]

nice

[mournfulmew]

someone at my new job today completely out of the blue asked me if i liked bad omens because i “look like” i would and when i confirmed i do she got really excited and we proceeded to talk about them and other bands for half an hour lol

[mournfulmew]

If I’m There

••••••

pairing: noah sebastian x ofc

warnings: swearing, idiots in love, smut, overuse of the word popsicle

a/n: my life is imploding, but here’s the next chapter that i’m incredibly overdue on. why was i more confident writing miw smut in middle school on wattpad than a grown woman writing this here??? brains are odd. anyways. enjoy. i’m sorry it’s so late, but it’s super long and very indulgent so i hope that makes up for it. also this is not proof read, so my bad.

••••••

tags: @ami-gami @voidkissedpages @lacy1986 @pipidoll @bluehairpunklol

••••••

Chapter V

I am not built to live in the heat.

It is 113° in Los Angeles. This heatwave has been rolling through the valley for days now and I’m sick of it. I’m sick of my shitty apartment with the windows that stick. I’m sick of the AC that gives out every few hours. I’m sick thinking about my electricity bill next month. I’m sick from how much ice cream I’ve eaten. I’m sweating through everything I own. My hair is a frizzy nightmare.

I’m miserable.

I stare into my freezer in a daze. Too hot. Sweaty. Gross. With a groan, I lean my head in to try to cool off. Even with my head in a fucking freezer, I’m too hot. My building is old, cheap. The landlord has the cheapest oldest AC units installed in the complexes. They barely get cold and you have to turn them off every once in a while or they sputter so loud you think they’re going to explode. Sweat rolls down my back sticking my thin tank top to my damp skin. This is how I die. Half-naked in my shitty apartment with my head in a freezer. I feel like Sylvia Plath, except my entire apartment complex is the oven.

After a more than likely concerning amount of time, I remove myself from the freezer in hopes to preserve the chill and food inside. I walk to my living room, stepping out of my old shorts, leaving me in just my tank top and some old boy short panties. I collapse in front of the AC unit in my window and crank the air up. Relief floods over me for a whopping three minutes. In the fourth minute disaster strikes. The unit makes the worst noise I’ve ever heard and the cool airflow just….. peters out.

“Nononononononono,’ I ramble.

I bang my hand on the side of it. I press all the buttons and turn all the knobs.

Nothing.

My air conditioner died. In the middle of a heatwave.

I quickly scramble for my cellphone and call my landlord. I rush to tell him my problem when he answers. Per the usual, Tony the Landlord is zero help. Apparently everyone’s ACs have been dying (shocker) and there’s a line for maintenance to come fix it. I’m last on the list, which means it could be days before it’s fixed. Days. I cannot handle days. I don’t even have AC in my shitty car. I hang up and try my hardest to breathe and not cry from heat exhaustion. Working myself up in this state isn’t going to do me any good. I need to calm down and cool off. The idea dawns on me and I make my way to my bathroom. Kneeling down on the plush rug, I begin to fill the bathtub with cool water. A cool bath will lower my temperature. I toss my hair up and shimmy out of my clothes, sinking into the water. The cold is biting, but it feels so good against my burning skin. I take some deep breaths and splash some water on my flushed face. I need to weigh my options. Option one: stay in my apartment and boil alive and die. Option two: get a hotel room for however many days until my AC is fixed even though I cannot afford that. Option three: see if I can crash at someone’s place with a working AC and extra room. option three is my best bet, but the issue is finding someone that fits. Cece lives with her parents and little siblings still which means too many people in a house in a heatwave. Alanna lives in the world’s smallest studio, meaning no privacy and no personal space. Gracie lives with her boyfriend Paul and I do not want to intrude on that. The only other people I know and tolerate in LA all live in a house together… with someone who’s very pointedly ignoring me at the moment.

I am so royally fucked.

I wipe my hand off on my bath towel and reach for my phone, scrolling through my contacts. I see the name I’m searching for and I press call, putting the phone on speaker and resting it on the ledge of my bathtub.

“Is everything ok? You never call me,” the voice crackles through the line.

“Hey Jolly. Yeah, I’m fine. Mostly. I’m dying in this apartment. Is your guys’ AC still working?” I whine.

“I couldn’t tell you, Gianna. I’m out of town. I’m visiting family back home for a few days. I’m going to assume it’s working because I haven’t seen any complaints from Noah in the group chat over the AC. You know how picky he can be over it.” Jolly chuckles.

I squeeze my eyes shut. A working AC sounds like a dream. Speaking to Noah who is avoiding me like the plague however…

”Ok, thanks Jolly. Sorry to bother you on your vacation. I’ll just call Mike or Jesse and see what they have to say,” I sigh.

“Why don’t you call Noah? Did you have a lovers quarrel?”

“He’s being weird and Noah-ish. Whatever. I’ll call him. Thanks again Jolly. Enjoy not being in a heatwave,” I quip before we say our goodbyes.

I don’t call Noah right away. I stay in the bath water until it becomes uncomfortable. Only then, when I’m pruned like no one’s business, do I get out. I dry off, not even bothering with clothes knowing I’m only going to sweat through them. I wander into my kitchen grabbing an ice cream sandwich from my freezer and eating it. I’ve barely been out of the water for ten minutes and I’m already heating up again. I groan. Begrudgingly I hit the call button.

Declined.

I call again.

It rings and rings and I’m sent to voicemail.

I call a third time, starting to get annoyed.

The line clicks to life this time.

“Are you ok? What’s going on?” Concern is evident in his voice.

”Hello to you too, asshole. Thanks for actually picking up finally. Is your AC working?” I snark.

Noah sighs before responding. “Yes, it’s working. I take it yours isn’t?”

“Nope. Won’t be fixed for a few days. I’m going to die here. Wanna pick me up for an extra long sleepover?”

There’s silence on the other end of the line for a beat too long.

“I’ll be there in 30.’’ And then the line clicks dead.

I move slowly around my apartment, packing up toiletries, other essentials, and the thinnest lightest weight clothes I can find. I’m moving so slow that by the time I finish and get dressed, Noah’s shooting me a text that he’s in the parking lot. I bounce down to the lobby and out to his SUV. He’s got the AC cranked in here and I almost moan in relief. We don’t speak much during the drive. I honestly barely look at him. If he wants to be weird after The Great Porn Fiasco that’s fine by me, I’ll just bum the AC and hang out with Mike and Jesse the whole time.

Except Mike and Jesse’s cars are gone when we pull up to his house.

”Where are the guys?” I ask, unbuckling my seatbelt and looking over at him finally.

Of course Noah is the only person on the planet that can make roasting alive during a heatwave look good. He’s got one of his black tank tops on, athletic shorts with a very high inseam giving me a glorious view of the Itachi tattoo on his thigh. His chain dangles down around his throat drawing attention to the colorful ink residing there with a thin sheen of sweat on it. Fuck him for looking good. He doesn’t answer me right away, something he’s been doing a lot lately. Instead he looks at me as if assessing a threat before speaking.

”Jolly’s in Sweden. Mike and Jesse decided to hole up at their girlfriends’ places during the heatwave. It’ll be just us.”

It slips out before I can stop it.

”That’s gonna be fucking awkward since you’re ignoring me.”

The look he gives me could cut glass.

”Don’t start with me,” he says before getting out of his car and leaving me behind.

I quickly scramble after him and inside the house, kicking my shoes off. I drop my bag on the couch- only for Noah to promptly pick it up and carry it upstairs with him. I follow behind him at a distance. He storms into his room, tosses my bag onto his bed and sits back down at his PC, puts his headset back on, and unpauses his game without so much as a word to me. Ok. Awkward. I quietly climb up into his bed and grab the remote for his TV, intending to entertain myself. I put on a movie and settle in to watch it. When I’m about halfway through my movie, I see him move out of the corner of my eye. He slides his headset off and rolls his chair back just barely to give himself room to slide his tank top off and toss it into his dirty clothes hamper before going back to his game. I let my eyes trace over what I see very slowly. It’s not a secret Noah’s put a lot of work into his physique. He’s not the same scrawny kid from Richmond anymore. He eats healthy, eats a lot, works out, and takes care of himself. He’s filled out and bulked up without being shredded and huge. He’s broad, strong, and still a little soft in the middle. My eyes flit over the ink on his skin. From the scary ass portrait of Jesus on his back, the unfinished piece on his ribs, the little peeks of his neck tattoo that I can see at this angle. He’s a living breathing work of art. My thighs press together as warmth courses through me that has nothing to do with the heatwave. I tear my eyes away from him and force myself to focus back on my movie.

By the time I finish my movie, I’m dying of thirst. Noah’s still completely locked into whatever game he’s playing. I head to his kitchen fully intending to help myself. I’ll just Instacart him some groceries before I leave to replace whatever I use. I grab one of Noah’s bougie sparkling waters for myself, and then because I’m nice, I grab one for him too. Before I leave the kitchen, I snoop on their pantry and refrigerator to see what we’re working with over the next few days. Not bad, definitely a house full of guys. I open the freezer and almost cry tears of joy. Cherry popsicles. Thank you to whoever bought these because they will be well loved. I rip the packaging open and toss it, sucking on the sweet treat as I head back to Noah’s bedroom. I set my sparkling water on his nightstand before heading to his desk to set his down. He glances up at me, mutter thanks and turns back to his game before whirling on me and staring me down.

”What is that?” He asks dryly.

I slide the popsicle out of my mouth with an audible pop. His eye twitches ever so slightly, but I notice it. I tilt it towards him invitingly.

”Cherry popsicle. Found it in your freezer. Want a lick?”

He’s quiet, his eyes darting between the treat melting in my hands and my face. I lift my hand to my mouth and suck the cherry syrup off my fingers as he stares me down.

“Better decide quick if you want some. It’s melting,” I sass before taking another lick of the frozen desert.

“Stop that.” He says firmly.

I pop the popsicle from my mouth again. “Stop what?”

”That.” He gestures towards the popsicle resting against my lips.

He’s staring me down quite hard. But not me me. He’s staring at my mouth wrapped around the popsicle. A false surge of confidence shoots through me and I close my lips around the cherry treat, just sucking ever so teasingly at the tip of it. His breathing hitches.

Oh. How interesting.

I smirk around the popsicle as I maintain eye contact with Noah. I take the popsicle further into my mouth, easing it back and forth, in and out. His jaw clenches. His eyes narrow. His breathing picks up.

”Gianna. Stop it,’’ he snarls lowly.

I don’t stop.

”Alright. You had your fun. Stop.” He snaps.

I pull it from my mouth slowly and smile at him. ”What’s got you all worked up? I’m just eating a popsicle. It’s hot out,” I tease.

He scoffs and I giggle under my breath. I tap the frozen treat against my pursed lips a few times before licking it again. He’s so wound up. That nagging feeling I had a few weeks ago during The Great Porn Fiasco pops back to the foreground of my mind. Why is he so affected? The man is almost 30, he’s definitely seen someone eat a popsicle before, and he’s probably seen them jokingly do it the way I am now. So is it me? The subject of his porn tastes pop back up in my head. Suddenly, I just have to know.

”Why have you been ignoring me?” I ask, pulling the popsicle from my mouth.

His eyes follow the movement. “I haven’t been. I’ve just been busy.”

”Bullshit. You’ve been ignoring me since The Great Porn Fiasco. Why?” I move the melting popsicle back to my mouth and suck on it some more.

”The Great Porn Fiasco? Jesus Christ- Gianna, stop sucking on that!” He groans, reaching out for it.

I take a step back.

“Answer the question.”

He moves his head like he’s cracking his neck to relieve the tension there. “I’m not- Fuck, Gi! Please don’t do this. It’s not that deep!” He mumbles as he tosses his head back, covering his face with his hands.

”If it’s not that deep then you wouldn’t have ignored me for weeks. So you can give me a reason. Or maybe actually look at me!” I snap back.

“I can’t do this.” He mutters into his hands.

I scoff. “Of course you can’t have an adult conversation. That means actually addressing your emotions instead of avoiding them, right Noah?”

He makes a sound low in the back of his throat and rips his hands from his face, staring me down, and he snaps.

”I can’t have a conversation about this when you’re sucking on that fucking popsicle and all I can imagine is it being my cock.”

I freeze.

He stands up and crowds into my space.

”Is that what you wanted to hear? Huh? You’re always so fucking mouthy. God- I can’t count how many times I’ve imagined shutting you up and giving you something better to do with that pretty fuckin’ mouth.” He growls.

”Noah-“

I’m cut off by his hands coming up and cupping my jaw gently, a stark juxtaposition to the way he was just speaking to me. His thumbs rub over my jaw softly as he stares into my eyes.

”Do you want the truth? Because once I say it there’s no going back, Gianna. So I need to know that you’re positive you want to know,” he murmurs.

I nod barely, my chest tight from anticipation. He screws his eyes shut and lets out a breath before leaning down and resting his forehead to mine.

”I want you. I’ve wanted you for a long time. Longer than I’m ready to admit. And not just- fuck. Not just like that, not just physically. You. All of you. I’m not- I’m not good at talking about how I feel and you know that, but I’m… going to try. You drive me insane, Gianna. You’re the first thing I think of when I wake up and the last thing I think of when I go to bed. I’ve written you into my music. I think about you constantly. For years. When we were younger, it was easier to just… be a dick. I thought if we fought and you decided you hated me it would be easier to get over you. It didn’t work. Obviously. Then I thought moving away would do it. Being a rockstar, hooking up with girls, the whole nine yards. Every time, every girl, I couldn’t help but compare them to you. It made me sick. And then, God, you were here. You moved to LA. And you’re a woman now. Gianna, you have no idea how beautiful you are. I told myself being your friend was enough. That I was ok watching you go out with the losers you date. I thought maybe I just wasn’t supposed to be happy, but then you just started doing things that gave me hope. Holding my hand, cuddling me during a movie night. Fuck, the night you had me pick you up from the club you told me how cute my butt is and you tried to kiss me. It gave me hope, and it messed with my head. So I hid. I locked myself in my room and ignored everyone. I looked up porn about fucking your best friend’s sister and scrolled until I found an actress that looked close enough to you that I could get off. But then you were there, and I panicked. I hurt you and I pushed you away when all I’ve ever wanted was you to be close. To be mine. Fuck- I love you, Gianna Ruffilo, and it’s been killing me to keep it to myself.”

I pull back from him and stare.

“You love…..me?” I question softly

His face pulls a pained expression and he nods. “I know I shouldn't but I can’t stop. I’ve tried.”

My eyes dart wildly around his face. If there's one thing I know for sure, Noah’s a bit of an ass- but he’s not a liar.

Noah loves me.

And I’ve loved him this whole time too.

I can’t help the little laugh that bubbles out of me. His face falls and he drops his hands from my face, stepping back.

”You don’t- It’s cruel to laugh, Gianna, even if you don’t feel it.” He says crestfallen.

I soften in an instant. I stop towards him and reach for his hand.

”Noah… No. You got it wrong. I’m laughing because we’re fucking stupid. I’ve been in love with you my whole life. We could have been… something… if we weren’t idiots,” I say gently.

He raises his eyebrows with a disbelieving laugh. He pointed at me and then himself, and back again. I nod with a laugh and a smile. He looks at me wildly for a moment before he’s on me.

Noah Davis is kissing me.

I feel his hands shake where he grips my jaw. The kiss is not sweet, or gentle or soft. It’s years of longing and desperation pouring out. Our lips press together with bruising force. My teeth clack against his and I feel him huff out a laugh into my mouth. With every pass of his lips against mine pleasure surges through me and I melt into him. I only pull back when my brain starts to fuzz from the rush of dopamine and the lack of oxygen. He tilts my head back and presses his lips to my neck. Slowly he trails his mouth across the skin at my neck, kissing and nibbling at the skin. With every bite, his tongue soothes over where his teeth scraped and I whimper at the feeling.

”That’s my girl. Lemme hear you,” he murmurs into my neck before placing another bite just below my jaw.

I moan, my head lulling back giving him even more access to my throat. Pressing myself into him, I reach out blindly for any part of him to grab, my nails digging into his forearms. He hisses and bites my shoulder, teeth sinking into flesh before his soft lips and tongue trace patterns over the mark. The air around us is hot, and I can’t tell anymore if it’s from the heatwave or the energy between us. Noah’s hands leave me momentarily before they find a home again on my hips and he’s leading me around. I stumble and swear, and he laughs into my skin. Before I know it, the plush comforter on his bed touches the back of my knees and he’s easing me to lay down on the bed, my legs dangling off the edge. He trails kisses down my neck to my chest, biting my nipple through the thin cotton of my shirt, before trailing wet open mouthed kisses further south. Down my stomach, my thigh, calves, all the way to my feet. I watch him as he worships every inch of my skin he can find. His hair is a mess, his skin flushed, and a haze of pleasure wears beautifully across his face. Every touch, every kiss, every bite is for his own pleasure, as if he’s getting off on worshipping me. He finally looks up at me from down on his knees, pressing his face into my thigh and biting softly.

“Let me taste you,” he begs softly.

My breath hitches. My lips part but no sound comes out. Noah smiles soft and presses his lips to my knee in a barely there kiss.

“Please? I’ve dreamed about it for years. Want to make you feel so good, Gi. Please, pretty girl?” he purrs.

I barely finish my nod before his long tattooed fingers are tugging my shorts and my panties. He readjusts so my legs fall open and his broad shoulders fit between them. His mouth parts and I see his pupils blow as he takes me in. He reaches a hand out and spreads me open and just… stares at me with a small smile. I feel a calloused finger gently tracing my clit with the perfect amount of pressure. A whine escapes me and I cover my face with my hands. I hear his chuckle as he plays with the swollen bud.

“Look at her. Fucking gorgeous. This is the prettiest fuckin’ pussy I’ve ever seen,” he rasps as more sounds escape me.

He doesn’t stop there. The finger leaves me and before I can even mourn its absence, Noah’s mouth is on me. He licks me from top to bottom, taking my clit between his teeth and nibbling softly. I can’t hold my noises in, and it seems that every moan and whimper spurs him on. I pull my hands from my face and prop myself up on my elbows to look at him. His eyes flick up to mine and they’re glazed over. He’s enjoying this as much as I am. He pulls his mouth back only to exchange it with his fingers again. Two inked fingers work their way inside of me, pumping in and out.

“Hear that? She likes me. Gonna have to stretch her out a bit if she’s swallowing my fingers down like this. No way she can take my cock yet,” he muses.

With that he puts his mouth back on me, working in tandem with his fingers. It doesn’t take long for pleasure to wash over me. He licks me gently through the aftershocks before crawling up my body to kiss me. I arch up into him and his hands trail over me.

“More,” I gasp into his mouth.

“Hmm? Pretty girl needs more? You want me inside you?” He hums against my lips.

I shamelessly nod and whine into his mouth, “Please.”

With a smirk he’s gently moving me up his bed resting me against the pillows. With slow hands he pulls my tank top up and off of me, taking a moment to lean back on his heels and stare at me.

“You’re the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen,” he says gently as his fingertips dance over my skin.

“You too,” I whisper.

“I’m the most beautiful woman you’ve ever seen?” He asks with a laugh as he tweaks one of my peer nipples.

“Shut the fuck up! You know what I meant,” I snap.

Noah smiles that boxy, boyish smile that I love so much and quips, “Just because I’m about to fuck you doesn’t mean I won’t give you a hard time, brat.”

I huff and he laughs before sitting back to tug his shorts and boxers off. His cock springs out, thick and long and flushed. He gives it a few lazy strokes and I stare. I stare a lot. He’s been packing that this whole time? Unfair. Now I know why all his exes acted like that. That thing, and the head. He settles himself between my thighs again and drags his tip through my folds teasingly. I suck a deep breath in as he slowly pushes in, inching ever so slightly until he’s buried completely.

“Fuck, Gianna, you feel like heaven. This pussy was made for me, baby. Gripping me so tight. Practically choking me,” he grits out, shallowly moving his hips to give me a moment to adjust.

“God- Noah, fuck. Move, please” I beg.

He listens to me, rolling his hips into mine. He lifts one of my legs and wraps it around his waist, providing a deeper angle for us. My reaction is immediate, arching up into him and reaching for his face. I press my lips to his desperately as he thrusts in and out. My tongue dances with his as our bodies collide. Heavy breaths and moans escape the both of us and immediately find a home in the other’s mouth. His hips stutter into mine and he swears under his breath.

“Not gonna last long, ‘m sorry. You feel- feel too good,” Noah mumbles.

“Come with me. Please,” I whimper, kissing over his jaw.

I reach for his hand and lace our fingers together. He drives his hips into me the last few times before we break together. I cry out as waves of pleasure crash over me at the same time I feel the warmth of his release painting inside of me. He slides from me slowly and I feel him spill out of me. A reverent kiss gets placed on my damp forehead and he mumbles against my skin that he’ll be right back. I close my eyes and let myself sink into his bed, still floating high and hazy from the pleasure. What feels like a lifetime but is really only a few moments later, a damp cloth brushes against my thighs. I crack an eye open and watch him clean me up with soft gentle motions. I watch his eyes trace over me, all traces of lust gone, and only care and concern remaining. He’s checking if he hurt me. I reach out and tug him to me. He lays down next to me, pulling me to his chest and tucking me under his arm. A soft kiss is dropped into my hair and I hum contentedly.

“You didn’t hurt me. That was perfect, thank you,” I whisper.

He tosses the blankets around until only his thin top sheet is left and he pulls that over us. He shifts me closer to him, as if trying to fuse me to his body.

“I’m glad you enjoyed yourself. I’m sorry it took us so long to get here,” Noah softly speaks into my undoubtedly frizzy hair.

“We’re here now, that’s what matters. I love you, Noah Davis. I don’t plan on letting you go anytime soon. We can make up for lost time.”

“I love you too, Gianna Ruffilo. More than I ever thought possible.”

I sigh as exhaustion overtakes me and I snuggle into his chest. Noah’s chest rumbles as he softly hums to me, as if singing a lullaby. I recognize the rhythm, it’s one of Bad Omens songs- ‘If I’m There’. The sound of his voice and the deep seeded exhaustion of finally falling into bed with the man I love pulls me under quicker than I anticipated.

I’m not too far gone, however, to hear him whispering to himself as he assumes I’m asleep.

“Please, don’t let me ruin this.”

••••••

[mournfulmew]

hi. i’m sorry i’ve been m.i.a. lately. i graduated school, got a job, and lost a family member all in the last couple weeks so everything has been a little overwhelming and i’ve been finding it hard to be creative. with that being said, the next chapter of if i’m there will be out tomorrow or thursday.

what does everyone think of the new song? i’m a big fan.

[mournfulmew]

this will be my third ever concert and first time seeing bad omens. i’m excited, my older brother is taking me as an early birthday present. now to figure out an outfit and argue over who’s driving downtown.

[mournfulmew]

If I’m There

••••••

pairing: noah sebastian x ofc

warnings: swearing, talking about porn, noah’s kinda mean, masturbation

a/n: i’m trying to develop a writing/posting schedule. i’m leaning towards posting on monday as it’s one of my days off and it gives me time to write. lowkey filler. i changed the direction of the chapter last minute to draw the plot out a little longer.

••••••

tags: @ami-gami @voidkissedpages @lacy1986 @pipidoll @bluehairpunklol

••••••

Chapter IV

“Hey, when was the last time you talked to Noah?”

My brother’s voice crackles over my phone’s speaker as I paint my nails. I pause for a moment as I think over the answer to his question. Noah’s been…. distant lately and I’m not entirely sure why.

“Dunno. Like a serious conversation, probably a few days, maybe like a week or so? Memes and stuff, like yesterday. Why? Is everything ok?” I ask as I cap the bottle to my nail polish. Nicholas is quiet for a few seconds before he responds.

“He’s just been weird answering my texts, like super short responses. No typical Noah sass. I asked him if we could guest list you for one of the festivals in California at the end of the season and he got weird and we haven’t really talked since. Did you piss him off or something? I remember how hard you two used to fight,” Nicholas says wearily as I blow the polish on my nails dry.

“Don’t think so? We’ve been really good. I think, at least. He’s been quiet and not really responding to me too…. Should I wellness check him? Have you asked Jolly if he’s acting ok at home?” I question.

“Jolly said he’s fine, just up in his room slightly more than normal.”

“I’ll go check on him. It’s my day off, I have nothing better to do. Also- definitely want guest listed for the festival, by the way,” I quip before saying my goodbyes and hanging up on my brother.

I make quick work of changing out of my lounge clothes and into a cute little skirt and top. If Noah’s locked himself in his room “slightly more than normal” it means he’s at absolute hermit levels. I’m dragging him out of the house. I slide my freshly painted toes into some sandals and grab my bag and my car keys. Noah’s house isn’t incredibly far from my apartment, but LA traffic slows me down. Soon enough I pull into the driveway at his house. The door opens quickly after I knock and Jolly opens the door. I flash him a wide smile and slide inside under his arm.

“Wellness check on the cryptid,” I murmur as I slip my sandals off and leave them in the foyer.

“Hello to you too. Say hi to your boyfriend for me, ask if he plans on surfacing anytime soon,” chuckles Jolly.

“Not my boyfriend,” I call out over my shoulder as I sneak quietly up their stairs.

I pause outside Noah’s door. No signs of life. I swing the door open and let myself inside. There’s a ruckus and the sound of a laptop slamming shut. Noah’s on his bed looking like the kid with his hand caught in the cookie jar.

“Gianna- what- you can’t just barge in!” He snaps, face flooding with heat.

I ignore him and hop onto his bed with him, laying on my stomach with my legs kicked up in the air and my head facing him. He tries to subtly shift away from me, laptop pressed to his lap. He avoids eye contact with me and asks me what I’m doing there unannounced. I narrow my eyes at him and huff out a laugh under my breath.

“I came to check on you since you’ve hit shut-in levels of introversion apparently and it’s worrying the guys. Why are you being fucking weird?” I tease.

He flushes again and ever so subtly moves his laptop away from me. The annoying little sister on me kicks in- he’s hiding something. If there’s one thing Nicholas Ruffilo taught me unintentionally it's how to grab something and sprint away without getting caught. I reach for his laptop and snatch it, hopping off the bed before he can blink. He shouts as I dart to the corner opening up his laptop. He shoots up, clutching the blankets on his bed around his waist. I flick the laptop open and enter his password- because he uses the same one for everything. A very familiar orange and black website glows to life on his screen. A laugh bubbles out of me before I can help it. I hear his groans of protest and the blankets rustling as I turn away from him to minimize the video and read the title.

“‘Seducing My Brother’s Best Friend’? Dirty boy, Noah. Were you jerking off?” I laugh loudly.

“Fuck off, Gianna. Give it back,” he snaps, reaching for his laptop but not leaving the bed.

“Oh my god- is this what you’ve been holed up doing? Watching porn? You freak!” I tease, waving his laptop around in the air.

I giggle to myself as I press play on the video despite Noah’s protests. The sounds of flesh hitting flesh fills the air as the camera angle changes and suddenly I can see the actress in the video very clearly. Long dark hair, green eyes, freckles across her cheeks, a slight build. It’s not exact, but it’s too close to ignore- the actress looks like me. My blood thrums through my veins, my heart pounds, and I blink a few times to make sure I’m seeing everything correctly. I am. Noah’s watching porn about sleeping with your best friend’s little sister with an actress that looks just like me- and jerking off to it. I clear my throat, pausing the video. The frame freezes on a close up of her face, eyes glazed over and pleasure contorting her features. I feel his eyes on me and the silence in the room now is deafening. I tap my nails once, then twice on the back of his laptop before spinning it and holding it up to him. His eyes leave me and dart quickly to the screen before sliding back to my face. I watch as his face flushes and he clutches the blankets closer to him like a shield. I arch a brow and suck in a quick breath.

“Care to explain this?” I ask, my voice smaller than I intend it to be.

He’s quiet for a moment, his chest falling heavy with sharp breaths. Eyes darting between me, the screen, and back again. A tattooed hand scrubs over his face before he pinches the bridge of his nose. He releases a slow breath through his nose before he starts talking, voice rough like it’s tearing its way out of his throat.

“Weird coincidence Gianna. Don’t think into it. It’s just porn. Give me my laptop back now.”

I swallow what I have to say, because it doesn’t feel like just porn to me. I minimize the video and exit out of the screen, not wanting to look at the still any longer. The action takes me back to the video selection screen. Something catches my eye. The top of the screen says ‘top results for: brother’s best friend’… meaning he looked it up. I scroll through the page quickly and notice something else- he’s on page seven of the search results. His weird coincidence doesn’t feel like much of a weird coincidence anymore. He’s ignoring Nicholas and myself, holed up in his room searching up brother’s best friend porn and scrolling seven pages until selecting a video with an actress that looks like me. I hand his laptop back to him with a raised brow.

“Seventh page sure doesn’t feel like a coincidence, Noah.”

He laughs bitterly and looks away from me. He mumbles something about me turning around and I do as he asks, not trusting myself to look at him or say anything else. I can’t ignore the feeling in my stomach. I hear the sound of fabric rustling and a mattress groaning. After a few moments, he’s up and walking past me, setting his closed laptop on his desk like it burns him. With his back to me he starts talking.

“I’m almost 30, Gianna. I can be picky with my porn. I like what I like, fucking sue me.”

“I don’t give a fuck what kind of porn you watch. I’m just saying it’s a weird fucking coincidence, Noah!” I snap.

He turns with a lazy smirk on his face. His eyes trace me up and down. His jaw ticks.

“Not everything is about you, Gianna. Jesus Christ, I thought you grew out of the self centered spoiled brat phase?”

My brows raise and I scoff. There’s the Noah I grew up with, not the sweet playful one I’ve grown to know lately. His words settle deep within me though. I could be grasping at straws. I’ve searched up weird random porn before. I’ve scrolled page after page until something catches my eye or I'm too impatient for anything else. And to claim that the actress looks like me is even a stretch. We just have similar features, we’re not identical. It means nothing, it doesn’t mean it’s for me. Noah’s dated tons of brunettes before. It’s just his type. Embarrassment and shame floods through me, for causing a scene…. and for wanting it to be about me. I’m an idiot. Of course he doesn’t want me. There’s no way he’d ever want me. I’m just Nicholas’s little sister to him- always have been, always will be. I feel the warmth in my face and neck so I turn from him, needing to save a shred of my dignity.

“Whatever. Be a dick. I’ll report back to Nicholas that you’re alive and semi-well, asshole. Don’t ghost your best friend- he’s probably the only person that loves you,” I spit out.

Too far. I took it too far and I know it.

And it’s a lie. I love him, even if he doesn’t know it.

I grab my bag and head towards his bedroom door, intending to leave. I stop in his doorway, hand on the doorknob and call out over my shoulder.

“Guest list me for the festival or I’ll assume you hate me and want me out of your life forever.”

Marching down the stairs and to their foyer, I ignore Jolly’s quips about ‘trouble in paradise?’ I let myself out, unintentionally slamming their front door. I cringe. I’ll text Jolly and apologize later. Once I’m in my car driving back to my apartment, I call Nicholas. He picks up on the third ring.

“So? How is he?”

“Weird. Annoying. Bitchy.”

“…..Did you guys fight?”

I let out a sigh and figure the truth is better than nothing.

“I let myself in, as I always do, and apparently I interrupted his….. alone time, to put it nicely.”

Nicholas is quiet for a moment.

“You walked in on him watching porn, didn’t you?”

“Yup,” I say, popping the ‘p.’

“Was it hentai?”

Here, lying is easier than the truth.

“Yeah. weird shit. Tentacles. Dude’s a freak. Got mad I interrupted him. Called me a self centered spoiled brat.”

His laugh crackles over the phone. His worry about Noah’s behavior dissipating in an instant. We spend the rest of my drive discussing Noah’s quirky behaviors and alleged porn tastes. I know Nicholas is going to bring it up next time they talk, hopefully Noah thinks on his feet with that one. We disconnect our call shortly after I arrive at my apartment. I need a hot shower to wash off the mortification of this afternoon.

The rest of my evening is uneventful. The shower I take is so hot my skin is red and splotchy when I get out and dry off. I doordash dinner because I’m too lazy to cook. I lay in bed with a glad of wine, trashy tv playing in the background as my mind wanders back to Noah.

His flushed face.

His embarrassment at getting caught.

The fact he was more than likely bare under his blankets.

His choice of porn.

I can’t get it out of my head. Curiosity wins out and I find myself opening the familiar orange and black website. I type the same thing as him into the search bar- brother’s best friend. I scroll the seven pages until I find it.

‘Seducing My Brother’s Best Friend.’

I press play before I can talk myself out of it. It’s easy to let my mind wander and imagine, to fill the roles with myself and Noah. My hand shakes as I hold the phone, watching the video play out.

My fingers are between my thighs before I can stop it. Once I pretend it’s us in the video, that Noah’s whispering the filth spilling from the man’s mouth to me, it’s easy to get lost in my own pleasure. My fingers dance over my flesh, circling and dipping in. I try to tease myself, drawing out every swipe of my fingers over my swollen clit, but Noah’s face in my mind makes it hard. The actor is in the video says something filthy to the girl- “prettiest fucking pussy I’ve ever had, baby.” I clench around my own fingers, hearing Noah’s voice in my ears like he’s whispering it to me. I finish in tandem with the girl in the video, her with a scream and myself with a wrecked whimper. I toss my phone, chest heaving, as I stare up at the ceiling.

What the fuck did I just do?

Did I really just touch myself to the same porn as Noah?

The same one I was trying to convince myself he watched because of me?

I’m sick in the head.

It takes everything in me to crawl out of bed and clean myself up, but I do it. By the time I’m finally back in bed and exhausted, the credits are rolling on the tv show I was watching absentmindedly. I shut it off, grabbing my phone and doing one last sweep of my notifications. There’s an unopened email from Noah sitting in my inbox, no subject line. I open it and laugh under my breath. He forwarded me my pass for the guest list for the festival. He pulled the strings and made it work in just a few hours. There’s a few lines of text at the bottom of the email, and my heart stutters as I read them.

‘I could never hate you. This was headed your way even if you or Nick never asked for it. I want you around forever. -N’

••••••

[mournfulmew]

Chapter 3 was sooo good! I can’t wait for more!!

🖤🖤 thank youuu

[mournfulmew]

If I’m There

••••••

pairing: noah sebastian x ofc

warnings: mentions of drinking, swearing, talks of sex, idiots in love.

a/n: this is like twice as long as the other ones. i wrote extra because i took so long to getting around to posting this. they’re dumb in this chapter. they’re going to be dumb for a while. idiots in love is one of my favorite tropes.

••••••

tags: @ami-gami @voidkissedpages @lacy1986 @pipidoll @bluehairpunklol

••••••

Chapter III

Clubs in LA are nothing like clubs in Richmond. They’re louder, flashier. There’s so many more people. Sometimes it feels like there’s more people in an average LA club than all of Richmond. I don’t even like people, let alone crowds, so the fact I’m here blows my mind. I should have never let Cece convince me to come. Her puppy dog pout got under my skin, which is how I find myself tucked in too small of a dress in a group of my coworkers in a club selling overpriced drinks. My decision to come here tonight has absolutely nothing to do with the fact I’ve been replaying the other night with Noah again and again in my head, hearing his promise in my head every time I have a moment of silence and I need a distraction so I don’t go crazy and ask him what he meant by that.

Obviously not. No impact on my decision whatsoever.

Cece, Alanna, Gracie and I flirted our way into this club free of charge to help Cece get over her breakup since she’s ready to get back in the saddle. We’ve only been here an hour or so and I can already predict my regret tomorrow. The lights flash, the bass thumps, and the room spins. I swear I only had a few drinks. But that few did lead me to being loose enough to mingle. And that group of guys did buy me a drink or two. And the bartender did slide me a free shot.

Maybe I’m drunk.

I sway in place to the music, heat swirling around me in the throngs of people. The girls and I make this corner of the dance floor our own little wonderland. I spin and spin with Gracie, lost in the music. As we spin and grind, Cece and Alanna motion that they’re heading to a table. I link my fingers with Gracie’s and steer us in the same direction. We sit, resting and recharging. The girls are talking but I tune it out, pulling my phone out of my bag to check if I have any missed texts. Just a meme from Noah. I laugh softly to myself as I respond.

“Earth to Gianna!” Alanna shouts over the music, waving a hand in front of my face,

I look up, raising my eyebrows in question.

“We’re trying to figure out if we know any guys we can set Cece up with to get over her ex,” explains Alanna.

“Any good ones?” I query.

“No. We were hoping you might know. Your brother knows a lot of people in LA, right? Musicians? Anyone hot?” Gracie’s comments carry over the music to me loud and clear.

I laugh, picturing the group of guys. Michael and Jesse both have girlfriends that are so sweet. Jolly’s on again off again with his girlfriend, so I definitely don’t need to mix Cece up with that. Davis is an option, Bryan too, or Matt when he’s in town.

“Yeah, kinda. Davis works with the band, he’s cool. Kinda a smartass but he’s fun. Matt’s cool too, but he lives in Texas, only comes to LA for like, important band stuff. Bryan’s nice too. He does photography,” I list off as I find a group picture of the guys on my phone.

I hand it to Cece to look at. It’s a picture I snapped at a festival I attended with the guys. Noah, Jolly, Folio, Davis, Matt, Bryan, and my brother all crowded together laughing at me behind the camera. The girls fuss over the phone screen as I sip my drink.

“What about that one?”

I glance over at Cece’s voice and see exactly who the top of her nail is rested on. Noah.

“What about him?”

“What’s his deal? Is he single? He’s hot,” she teases as she hands me back my phone.

“Oh, Noah? He, uh- ….. he’s single. But I don’t think he’s your type. You wouldn’t like dating him,” I try to deflect.

She laughs, her bright sparkly laugh that turns heads.

“Date him? Babe. I wanna fuck him. Do you think he’d like me?”

My blood turns cold in my veins. I smile and mumble something along the lines of ‘of course he would’ just to appease her. It’s not her fault, she doesn’t know. Cece and the girls might possibly be my closest friends in LA, besides Noah, but it’s not like I go around telling everyone my deepest secret.

‘Hi, I’m Gianna. I’ve been in love with my older brother’s best friend since I was seven and the thought of him being with anyone else makes me physically ill. How are you today?’

I down the rest of my drink and let their conversations blur around me. Of course he’d like her. She’s radiant. All of them are. He’d be lucky if any of them gave him the time of day. I laugh when they do. I make noises of outrage when it seems they are. I drink the drinks put in front of me, but my mind is elsewhere.

On Noah.

What’s he doing? Did he eat? Has he written any new songs? Does he miss me? I miss him.

The girls break off one by one to head back out on the dancefloor. I stay in the booth. I scroll through Twitter as I idly sip my nth drink of the night, when I feel the booth next to me dip. I glance up, straw tucked between my teeth, to find a guy. Clean cut, blonde, too tight of a tshirt. He flashes me a smile and I gingerly return it.

“Hey I’m Max, what’s your name?” He leans in to ask over the music.

“Gianna.”

“Pretty name for a prettier girl. I’ve been watching you across the floor for a while. Let me buy you a drink,” he flirts.

I go to decline- and then I remember my bank balance. I flash him what I hope is a flirty smile and tell him my drink order. He slides out of the booth with a touch to my shoulder, promising to return with the drinks shortly. A girl’s gotta do what a girl’s gotta do. I reapply my lipgloss as I watch him at the bar trying to flag down the bartender. He gets passed up a few times in favor of all of the women at the bar. It’s like the bartender doesn’t even see him. He’s obviously getting frustrated and it’s a little funny. Finally after a few tries he gets the attention of the bartender and orders our drinks. I look away before he returns so he doesn’t know I witnessed that fiasco. When he returns and brings me my drink, I accept politely and thank him. He gets in close and wraps his arm around my shoulders, watching with a grin as I sip my drink. I can’t help but notice the girls giving me thumbs up and making obnoxious hand signals across the dancefloor. They obviously think I’m getting laid tonight when my only plan is to get tacos and pass out in my bed later- alone.

I sit with Max for a while and we drink. He’s funny, nice, and works as a personal trainer. My head’s getting fuzzier and fuzzier. My laughs are getting louder, my hands flying everywhere as I talk. We’re sitting closer than ever- I’m practically in his lap. He brushes some hair away from my face and I watch as his eyes dart to my lips. I giggle softly, leaning in to meet him, when the feeling hits- I need to pee. I pull back abruptly and stand up so quickly I almost topple over in my heels. I mumble to him that I’ll be right back and head towards the restroom as quickly as I can. There’s a line- because of course there is. Leaning against the wall, I pull my phone back out of my pocket. Noah texted me again. Smiling, I press the call button instead of answering his message.

“Hey, brat. Bit late to be calling, don’t you think?” He rasps through the phone.

I love his voice.

“Hi, Noahhhh. I don’t think it’s late, you’re jus’ a grandpa,” I giggle into the phone.

He’s quiet for a moment.

“Gi, are you drunk?”

“Mmmm, maybe? I had….. I dunno how many drinks I had. Ooo! I had shots too! Soooo many shots,” I mumble as I walk ahead as the line gets closer to the bathroom.

“Gi, where are you? Are you with anyone?”

“Dunno, some… club. I came with the girls- Gracie, Alanna, and Cece. Oh! Cece wants to fuck you, but I don’t want you to. So don’t. ….Anyways. They’re dancing and I was drinking with some guy. Mack? Mike? No, Max-“

“Gianna-“

“Don’t interrupt me. Yeah, Max and I were drinking and we were going to make out but I needed to pee and so I’m waiting in line to pee and I called you cause I miss you, silly,” I rush out as I stumble towards the very front of the line for the bathroom.

I hear a deep sigh from him and what sounds like movement from his end of the call.

“Gianna, send me your location. I’m coming to get you.”

“But I’m having fun!”

“Gianna Claire. Send me your location. Now.”

There’s something about the tone of his voice that has me snapping to do what he says. And pressing my thighs together. I mumble under my breath about him being bossy as I drop him a pin to my location. I hear his low chuckle at my sass.

“I’ll be there in 20. Wait by the bar for me. Don’t leave, and for the love of God, don’t do anything dumb.”

He hangs up just as I head inside the bathroom to take care of business. I waste some time in the bathroom making friends with some of the girls in there. We make brunch plans, but we’ll see if that ever happens. Eventually, I find myself wandering back out onto the floor and head towards the bar like I was told.

“Hey, I was looking for you,” a voice calls out.

Max.

I smile and lean against the bar. He’s talking to me but I’m not listening. I’m looking over his shoulder at the most beautiful man I’ve ever seen headed my way. He dressed up for me- his silly little green patterned pants, a white shirt, his hair messy. Cute. I’d climb him like a tree. He pushes politely through the crowd as he scans around for me. I watch his eyes lock on me and it looks like a weight is lifted off of him. He stops just shy of Max and scans me over once.

“Let’s go, brat. Do you have everything you need?” He shouts over the noise of the club.

Max whirls on him and sizes him up. Max is at least 5 inches shorter and not nearly as intimidating looking, even if only I know that the tattooed giant in front of him is a teddy bear.

“She’s with me, man. We’re good here. Who even are you,” Max postures.

Noah’s look of irritation makes me laugh. Max turns to me surprised and Noah looks at me as if to say ‘really? him?’

“I’m not doing this. Gi, let’s go,” says Noah as he reaches a hand out for me.

I gladly accept it and walk towards him, stumbling a little. His hand shoots to my waist to steady me. I lean into him and let out a little noise of contentment. He always smells so good. He keeps one hand on my waist and the other holding my hand as he walks me out of the club. The cool night air contrasted to the hot club has me shivering.

“Car’s close. Only gonna be cold for a second,” he murmurs.

“My feet hurt. Don’t wanna walk,” I whine and dig my heels in, trying to stay in place.

Noah looks at me for all of about three seconds before he’s moving. And then I’m upside down. Bastard tossed me over his shoulder. A warm hand slides up and pulls the hem to my skirt down and holds it there as he’s walking and carrying me. I don’t even fight him, instead I prop my elbows against his back and lay my head in my hands.

“Noah?”

He hums in response.

“You have a cute butt,” I say as I reach down to try to poke it.

He huffs out something like a laugh and shifts me a little as we approach his car.

“So do you.”

“What did you just say?” I squeak.

“Nothing you’re going to remember in the morning, Gi,” He says offhandedly as we finally make it to his car.

He sets me down and unlocks it, ushering me inside and buckling my seatbelt in place. He gets me settled before closing the door and getting into the driver’s seat. Once the car’s on, he’s tossing me his phone, telling me to put on music. I mumble that he’s being bossy again but do as he asks. Noah backs out of the parking space in that infuriatingly attractive way only guys seem to be able to pull off- a hand on the back of my seat, one on the wheel, and just barely twisting over his shoulder as he reverses. That was hot.

“Thank you.” I hear the smirk in his voice.

Fuck, I said that out loud. He laughs at me, clearly knowing where my head is at, grabbing my hand and setting it with his on the gearshift. We drive in a comfortable silence, music being the only thing to break the noise. I’m perfectly content to just watch him drive, drum his fingers to the music. He’s so focused, so responsible. The rational part of my brain knows I should look away. The overwhelming drunken part of my brain has me shifting in my seat and squeezing my thighs together as I admire him. Noah turns in someplace and puts the car in park. He detaches our hands and gets out of the car and an embarrassing whine leaves me.

“Relax, Gi. I’m feeding you,” he teases.

He returns only a few minutes later with a bag of food, smells like tacos, and the firm order to eat but not fuck up his car. I do as I’m told. The food is fine by the time we reach my apartment. Noah tosses the bag and helps me out of the car and into my complex. As we ride the elevator up, I lean against him, my face buried in his chest. His hands rest on my waist, thumbs rubbing slow maddening circles against my thin dress.

“Why are you so good to me?” I mumble into his chest.

“Because I like you.” His thumbs never stop moving.

“Stop touching me like that,” I pout.

“Why?” He asks, but his hands still, gripping my hips instead.

“You’re turning me on.”

He completely freezes against me for just a moment before he lets out a deep breath. I feel how tense he is under my cheek when I press into him even more like I’m trying to fuse myself to him. The elevator opens on my floor and he detaches from me. He grabs my hand and leads me out towards my apartment silently, unlocking the door with his key. He leaves me in the entryway as he heads to my kitchen, filling a glass of water and grabbing tylenol from my cupboard. I wander over to him, wobbly on my drunk legs in my heels. He holds the glass of water up to my lips and I take a sip. He holds the tylenol up to me and places it in my mouth, his fingertips brushing my lips as I take the aspirin. Overly confident, I nip at his fingertip.

He pulls his hand away like I burned him.

“Don’t do that.” He warns quietly.

I pout up at him, my heart breaking in real time.

“You hate me.”

He shakes his head and tugs me further into my apartment. We reach my bedroom and he starts going through my drawers. He tosses pajamas at me and turns to face the wall while I change. Once I’m dressed, I stumble into my bed. It doesn't escape me that he selected his shirt that I stole and nothing else. He turns to face me and his eyes drag over me slowly before he grabs my makeup wipes off my nightstand. I make room for him to stand between my legs and he gently cups my face and starts cleaning me up. I tug at his shirt and he just ignores me and continues his featherlight wiping at my face.

“Do you hate me, Noah?”

“No.”

“Am I annoying?”

“Occasionally.”

“Am I ugly?”

“Far from it, Gi.”

He tosses the makeup wipes in the trashcan, but his other hand never leaves my jaw.

“Noah? Will you kiss me?”

“No. You’re drunk. You need to go to bed. You’re not going to remember this in the morning.” He says firmly.

“So? Wanna kiss you,” I whine.

He leans down to my eye level, his hands resting on either side of my hips on my mattress.

“So…. When I kiss you for the first time I’m going to make sure you remember it. Now sleep this off.”

I blink up at him, eyes bleary and head fuzzy. He wants to kiss me?

“You want to kiss me?”

He bows his head and laughs a little under his breath before leaning forward. He presses a gentle kiss to my forehead before pulling back and resting his against mine.

“I’ve wanted to kiss you for a very long time, Gianna. Too long in fact. Long enough that it kills me inside. But if I made a move on you I would risk my relationship with Nick. And I’m a selfish bastard, Gi. I don’t want to lose either of you, so if that means pretending to be nothing more than your friend while being Nick’s best friend- so be it. I’d rather torture myself than lose either of you,” he says in such a pained tone.

“Why are you telling me this?” I whisper.

He pulls away and shifts me around to tuck me into bed.

“Because I have to get it out. Because I’m going crazy looking at you all flushed in my shirt. Because you won’t remember I ever said any of it.” He whispers back.

I want to respond, but my eyes are heavy, and my consciousness is fighting for control. I just barely hear him as sleep overtakes me.

“I love you, Gianna Ruffilo, even if you won’t remember that tomorrow.”

And when I wake up the next morning, head pounding, stomach swirling, and my mouth feeling like cotton- I don’t remember anything about the night before.

••••••

[mournfulmew]

i’m going to be so for real with you guys, the next chapter of if i’m there was going to come out tonight but then i got a really really bad haircut today (actually bad not exaggerating) and it’s sent me into a complete spiral because apparently i unknowingly tied my self worth into having nice hair and now i have to deal with the fact that i have to cut all my hair off despite this being the longest and prettiest it’s ever been so uh next chapter probably tomorrow

[dethrone-fuckers]

His smile have something that keeps me alive.

[mournfulmew]

why is filling out job applications so humbling? what assets do i bring to the table? a sense of whimsy, a crippling fear of failing to the point i overwork myself, and pure type-a cleanliness and organization. now please give me money.

[mournfulmew]

love is blind au sneak peek ?

Welcome back to Netflix’s “Love Is Blind,” a show for those ready to test the theory: is love blind? 20 men and women will be separated and date each other for 10 days- without ever laying eyes on each other. At the end of the 10 days, you can leave engaged- or on your own. Let’s meet our contestants here to find out if love is really blind?

***

“Hello?” I call out into the open.

I fold myself onto the small couch. I take a drink of my wine and set the glass down. I slide my shoes off and tuck my feet underneath me, attempting to get comfortable.

“Hi there.” A voice says.

Holy shit. This is real and someone is there.

“Hi, I’m Kat. Who do I have the pleasure of talking to?”

Was that cringey?

“Hi Kat. It’s nice to meet you. My name is Noah.”

Noah has a nice voice. I will write that down. It’s soothing. Fuck. I need to ask him questions.

“Are you as anxious as I am right now?” I ask with a nervous laugh.

“Probably. I’m feeling a little silly right now.”

“I am too. It’s weird actually being here. This is crazy. We’re crazy for doing this.”

He laughs. His laugh is cute. So Noah on the other side of the glowing blue wall has a cute laugh and a nice voice. And he thought I was funny. That’s a good start.

“Not the first time I’ve been called crazy,” he laughs softly.

***

these are just a couple passages from deep in my google docs lol the way i have not thought this through at all but am absolutely committed to writing this eventually because of all the love is blind tiktoks flooding my fyp.i still think about lauren and cameron from season 1 all the time i love them, only good thing to come out of that show

[mournfulmew]

i found a love is blind au half written in my google docs that i started when i broke my ankle and was high on pain meds lol debating fucking around and finishing it one of these days

[mournfulmew]

what if i posted a tiny little snippet of what i wrote when i was sleep deprived and off the pain meds just as a sneak peek before the eventual rewrite

[mournfulmew]

If I’m There

••••••

pairing: noah sebastian x ofc

warnings: idk swearing?

a/n: this might suck. i have a day off today and like went crazy writing. it’s like the first actual look into their relationship as adults living in the same city now. ofc is finally also given a name! enjoy🖤

the characters in this work are inspired by and based upon real people. real details may be used in a stylized manner. this work does not reflect the people mentioned.

••••••

tags: @ami-gami @lacy1986 @voidkissedpages

••••••

CHAPTER II

“Gianna Claire Ruffilo, you’re sleeping the day away. Are you hungover?”

“I should have never given you a key,” I groan as I drag a pillow over my face.

I hear his laugh as I feel the mattress beside me dip with his weight as he plucks the pillow off of my face. He’s fighting back a smile as he hugs my pillow to him, keeping it away from me. The second I pull my comforter over my head, he’s tugging it back down. I can’t help but shoot him a glare.

“What do you want, Noah? It’s my day off and it’s like…” I reach for my phone to check the time. “Jesus, it’s 7am. Why are you waking me up this early?”

“A little birdie told me you got dumped by What’s-His-Face. So, I’m here to bribe you out of bed with breakfast and a plea to raise your standards,” he says matter of factly.

A little birdie. Nicholas. It hasn’t even been 12 hours since I got dumped over text and my brother is already running his mouth about it. It’s not even like I really liked the guy, he was just someone to spend my weekends with, but still. My horrible love life doesn’t need to be the topic of conversation in the band groupchat. My lack of response must have been enough for him to read my mind, because he pulls out his phone and taps at it a few times. His screen is in front of me, showing me his conversation with Nicholas.

“Check in on the kid for me. The guy she was seeing broke things off. She says she’s fine, but I just want to make sure.”

I roll my eyes and slip out of bed. I rummage through my drawers for clean clothes, something comfortable. I feel his eyes on me, tracking my every move. Once I have an outfit to change into I head towards my bathroom, pausing in the doorway. Turning to face him, I watch as his eyes trail up my bare legs to the oversized shirt I stole from him as a teen, and finally to my face. Heat floods through me and I hope and pray he doesn’t see it on my face. Clearing my throat, I jerk my head towards my bathroom.

“I am fine, he and I weren’t that serious. You’re still buying my breakfast though. Give me five,” I quip before walking out into the hallway.

“And my standards are fine!” I call out over my shoulder.

I hear his laugh echo from the bathroom. I linger on the way he looked at me in my bedroom as I shower. If it were any other man, I would think he wanted me. But it’s Noah. Noah doesn’t want me. I’m surprised that he showed up to my apartment and not surprised at the same time. He could have just sent a text, or called, but he does love an I-told-you-so moment. Especially when it comes to my dating history. He just loves to reaffirm he’s always right and I waste my time on the wrong guys. I quickly finish my shower and getting ready, changing into my leggings and tshirt, tossing my dirty clothes in my hamper. I head back to my bedroom to grab my purse and find Noah still sitting on my bed, hugging my pillow. He looks up and frowns briefly before smoothing his face out. He stands, wraps an arm around my shoulders, pulling me into him as we walk out of my apartment.

“You changed out of my shirt.”

I don’t even spare him a glance as I press the call button for the elevator.

“Was I supposed to keep it on?” I question.

“Could have. Looks better on you than me,” he says casually as he tucks me back under his arm the second I stray too far.

I hum noncommittally. We don’t speak much on the way to his car, just arguing about where to get breakfast. We settle on a little café and take off in its direction.

“You sure you’re good? Getting dumped isn’t fun, especially over text,” Noah gently asks.

“Already told you I’m fine. We weren’t serious. He was just a guy, ya know? Not the love of my life or anything,” I mumble.

“You have one of those? Love of your life?”

I swallow roughly, biting the inside of my cheek. I let out a breath and shake my head. He hums softly.

“Not surprised. I don’t think anyone could put up with you like that,” remarks Noah.

I scoff and reach over the center console to smack his chest. He laughs and grabs my hand, settling it with his on the gearshift.

“You’re a dick!”

“Tsk tsk, Gianna. Why are you thinking about my dick?”

I rip my hand from his and stare out the window, hoping and praying that he didn’t see the blush staining my face at his teasing. I don’t think there’s anything more that he loves than getting under my skin. I can’t stand him. That’s a lie. I love it when he teases me. I love any kind of attention he gives.

The rest of our morning goes smoothly. Noah orders breakfast for the both of us- some sort of healthy protein heavy breakfast bowl for him, overly fancy french toast for me. As we eat Noah makes fun of my ex in an attempt to make me laugh. I just roll my eyes at his antics. At one point, I catch him taking a picture of me eating because his flash goes off. A blush stains his face and his ears even glow pink. He stammers out that he’s sending it to Nicholas to prove I’m alive. I flip him off. He snaps another picture.

He takes me out running errands with him after our meal- post office, the bank, getting gas and a car wash, and finally his studio to pick up something he left there. We stop by a bookstore so he can find the newest volume in a manga series he’s been reading. I linger by the romance novels browsing the titles. I grab ‘Twisted Love’ by Ana Huang, one of those TikTok smutty novels I see blasted all over my For You Page. Noah plucks it out of my hands by the cash register and reads the synopsis on the back.

“Old brother’s best friend? Interesting,” he smirks, as I try to steal the book back from him.

He holds it over my head until we get to the cash register. He slides my book up with his and pays for it without a word. He even carries the bags.

By the time we return to my apartment, we’ve gotten into two separate arguments about the ethics of a Death Note, I got called a brat five times, and he tugged my hand back into his on three different occasions when I pulled away to talk with my hands. I close the front door to my apartment in his face and he just calmly uses his key to let himself in. Once his shoes are kicked off, his keys dropped on my front table, and our books are set on my kitchen counter, he’s adjusting my thermostat to his liking. Per usual.

“I still regret giving you a key,” I complain. “You act like your name is on the lease here or something.”

“Gi, if my name was on the lease this place would have at least two cats. And you’d stop dating losers,” he says as he makes himself comfortable on my couch, turning my tv on.

I ignore the loser comment and join him on the couch as he puts on a movie. I settle in under a blanket and he pulls me to him, tucking me into his side again and sliding the blanket over the both of us. As the opening credits roll, I let my mind drift into a dangerously soft and hopeful territory. A bigger apartment, or maybe a house. Definitely a house, with a decent sized backyard for little get togethers. Lots of natural lighting and plants on every flat surface. Two cats, fluffy and clingy and spoiled. A kitchen big enough to dance in while we cook. A shower large enough for two. An extra bedroom converted into a home recording studio. A bedroom where I wake up every morning to find him already awake, holding me and watching me sleep. A life where I’m more to him than just the friend’s little sister. A life where I’m his. A small sigh escapes me and I feel his long tattooed fingers tangling into my hair, tugging gently.

“You’re not even watching. What’s got you all distracted?” he mumbles into my hair as he pauses the movie.

“It’s nothing. I got dumped yesterday. Over text like I'm 15 again. Just thinking about my future. Being lonely forever. Becoming a crazy cat lady with like 30 cats all named Sprinkles or something,” I attempt to joke and deflect.

He makes a soft noise and adjusts the blanket over our laps. Unpausing the movie, he lets out a breath and keeps playing with my hair.

“Let’s set some better goals rather than 30 cats named Sprinkles. At least name them after other desert toppings too.”

I huff out a laugh at him, nudging him with my shoulder and mumbling under my breath about him being an asshole.

“Don’t call me an asshole, you brat. Just watch the movie.”

I relax into him, letting myself sink further into the moment and into my fantasy. I tilt my head just so in order to look at his face. Dark eyes locked in on the movie, his perfect pointed nose, the faint scar across his cheekbone from his old piercing. Beautiful. I breathe him in, the scent of his woodsy cologne and something inherently masculine and Noah flooding my senses. I really wasn’t upset about the breakup, but I’ll pretend. I’ll even cry if I have to, if it keeps him here with me to cheer me up. His chest rumbles under me every so often as he silently laughs at something happening on the screen. Closing my eyes, I play pretend. He’s not here to comfort me over a breakup because my brother asked him to- he’s here because he wants to be, because he wants me. The feeling of his fingers in my hair, the steady thump of his heartbeat under my ear, and the weight of the blanket over us pull me under.

Somewhere in my half asleep dream state, I hear the TV turn off and feel the blanket get pulled off of me. Arms slip around me and lift me up and moments later I’m being placed on something soft and warmth envelops me again. He put me in bed and tucked me in. In my haze of sleep, I feel fingers ghost across my forehead and brush hair away from my face. He mumbles something lowly before leaving. Despite being overcome by exhaustion, I just barely make out what he said.

“You won’t ever be lonely if I’m there, Gi, promise.”

••••••

[mournfulmew]

Aaaaa I love your fic so much!!!!! The brother's best friend trope has my heart 💕 Could I be added to the taglist? :3

aaaaaw hi! i love your blog! when i get around to the next chapter and whatnot, i absolutely will🖤