why do you weep

did you think i was immortal?

[mourning-songs]

life update of the past two or so weeks:

fucked up, tense, lots of cramps

(i thought i'd typed it out, but clearly i hadn't)

more here and here

in snippets that, like my thoughts, remain fractured

[mourning-songs]

Love is friendship that has caught fire. It is quiet understanding, mutual confidence, sharing and forgiving. It is loyalty through good and bad times. It settles for less than perfection and makes allowances for human weaknesses.

Ann Landers

[mourning-songs]

today

seemingly spontaneous session w/ the boiboi. needless to say, i continue to enjoy every second i spend with him. in like 2 weeks it'll be 2 years and 10 months. that's terrifying. it's great but it's terrifying. and i can't wait for tomorrow and what every subsequent day will bring.

(also i bought 10 books for 21 bucks YAY FUNDRAISERS)

[mourning-songs]

yesterday

yesterday was the polsci GM - and oh my gosh, i was absolutely terrified to be there. i was fidgeting, grinding my nails into my palms, my breathing was a little faster than usual, i was hyper-alert, and i generally had no idea what to do or who to talk to or what to say. because i can't deal with being in room full of strangers where i don't know my social position. as someone who was - ostensibly - on the bottom of the food chain (kinda) i felt utterly trapped.

and all i could do was curse my anxiety and swallow down words.

but in the end, everything turned out okay. more than okay, in fact, i think it was a success in the end! :0 as it turns out, i'm pretty much confirmed to be an SMUN council chairperson now :3 at the most, i'll even get to be under secretariat. regardless, i'm getting to help organise a MUN, and it happened because i talked to people and told them what i was good at and what i loved to do.

i ended still shaking a bit (not visible, but it felt like it) but overall, pleased with myself. the sensations are difficult to describe. but yeah.

dealing with social anxiety +10 points

gained achievement succeed in a room of strangers

[mourning-songs]

I WROTE A WHOLE POST AND THEN ACCIDENTALLY BACKSPACED AND IT DISAPPEARED

FUCK THIS SHIT

[mourning-songs]

have you ever cried over picking out an outfit

because you feel like nothing and a lump of junk

and nothing looks good

and you just cry because it's better than the other option of a hyperventilating panic attack

[mourning-songs]

in other news:

start of week two today!

now i actually know where LT7 is (hah) so more updates to come on that!

[mourning-songs]

these days i get headaches when i wear my specs

probably due to wearing contacts often

if i could i'd probably wear contacts all the time ngl

but $$$$

):

[mourning-songs]

about body positivity and sex

it makes me feel better about my body. not like it's the only thing that does. but knowing that, fat and muffintop and thunder thighs and all, the person i love still finds me so attractive - on various levels - that he wants to fuck me? it makes me feel more amazing than dropping a size or losing a kilogram.

being able to bare myself, lose myself in the way my toes curl and my fat presses against his arm as we fuck - chest to chest, dry throats aching - is amazing. i feel like the queen of the world like that.

and right now, i wish i could feel like that.

because body issues. more than a week of body issues, and my body adjusting to university life and the sudden need to eat regularly and eat more by growing fat

like fuck

no

stop

i need motivation but i don't know where it's gone to this time

[mourning-songs]

lol you aren't providing me any motivation and you certainly as hell aren't providing me with a good, clean environment to facilitate weight loss and healthy eating so shut the fuck up

[mourning-songs]

so a bad start to a first day of the (maybe) rest of my academic life

rain

that car that 307 narrowly avoided crashing into bc the car driver was an idiot

so many people on mrt

wearing thick-ish jumper on stuffy day

sweat

arriving at kent ridge later than expected

boarding shuttle later than expected

now where is LT7 after all LTs 6 to 14 are here surely LT7 is

no one knows where it is

wait a minute

WHERE IS LT7?!

new directions at biz require walking

1 umbrella, 1 dry head of hair, 1 body that's flecked with cold rain anyway

so much water

rain

more rain

where is LT7

wrong directions, it's LT17 that's at biz

oh it's at engineering instead?

how the fuck do i get there

where is engineering

fuck this go to the library instead

the library was lovely though, lots of study space (compared to other libraries. but it's going to be a deathmatch trying to wrangle a seat from everyone one). and the RBR librarians were super nice despite me being totally blur about what to do to get my books. and then ...

social anxiety for no apparent reason

why brain

EVERYONE'S GONNA NOTICE YOUR SHOES SQUEAKING

no brain

EVERYONE'S GOING TO THINK YOU'RE STUPID FOR WANDERING AROUND

brain stop

FALL BACK NO EXPLORING NO MATTER HOW MUCH YOU WANT TO SEE THE SINGAPORE-MALAYSIA COLLECTION

did not see the singapore-malaysia collection

then a bad bowl of laksa from toast box (bee tai mak? blasphemy)

and finally

explains, including fact that i went to the library to read my recommended compulsory reading

WHY DIDN'T YOU GO

yeah well the slides are online i have them

NEVER MISS ANOTHER LECTURE

but

EVER

(subtext: you stupid girl you should have left at 10am and plotted out how to get there instead you're skipping lectures like a hooligan already)

fuck this shit

tomorrow will be better. because LTs 8 and 9 are at FASS not engineering

[mourning-songs]

A World of Difference: An Anthology of Short Stories from Five Continents

Edited by Lynda Prescott

The Ultimate Safari (Nadine Gordimer) In Cuba I was a German Shepherd (Ana Menéndez) The Joy Luck Club (Amy Tan) What Do You Do in San Francisco? (Raymond Carver) Mr Sumarsono (Roxana Robinson) The Last Mohican (Bernard Malamud) The End of the World (Mavis Gallant) The Distant Past (William Trevor) American Dreams (Peter Carey) Bella Makes Life (Lorna Goodison) Martha, Martha (Zadie Smith) Pit Strike (Alan Sillitoe) Storm Petrel (Romesh Gunesekera) Squatter (Rohinton Mistry) One out of Many (V. S. Naipaul)

[mourning-songs]

The Goblin Emperor

Katherine Addison

PART ONE: THE CRASH OF THE WISDOM OF CHOHARO -- News Comes to Edonomee / The Radiance of Cairado / The Alcethmeret / The Funeral at the Ulimeire / The Emperor's Household / PART TWO: THE CORONATION OF EDREHASIVAR VII -- The Widow Empress / The Tomb of Empress Chenelo / The Coronation of Edrehasivar VII / The Report of the Witnesses for the Wisdom of Choharo / The Witness for the Dead / The Funeral and the Wake / The Princess and the Witness / Bargaining / Min Nedaö Vechin / The Problem of Setheris / News from Barizhan / Dinner with the Goblin Ambassador / PART THREE: THE WINTER EMPEROR -- Varenechibel's Legacies / Thara Celehar's Grief / The Proposal of the Clocksmiths of Zhaö / Mer Celehar Goes North / The Bridge over the Upazhera / The Opposition of the Court / The Revethvoran / Matters of the Aftermath / The Clocksmiths and the Corazhas / PART FOUR: WINTERNIGHT -- The Great Avar Arrives / A Letter from Mer Celehar / A Ball and a Deathbed / The Nineteenth Birthday of Edrehasivar VII and the Winternight Ball / A Conspiracy Unearthed / Shulivar, Bralchenar, and Narchanezhen / The Great Avar Departs / PART FIVE: EDREHASIVAR THE BRIDGE-BUILDER -- Building Bridges / The Bridge over the Istandaärtha

[mourning-songs]

Return of the Thin Man

Dashiell Hammett

After the Thin Man / Another Thin Man / "Sequel to the Thin Man"

[mourning-songs]

I have hopes but no expectations

Addie Lockwood (Byrd)

[mourning-songs]

patronizing fucks. i've told you every single time that YES i'm following the procedures outlined for me YES i'm clicking the correct things and NO i didn't do or click anything wrong. but yeah go ahead patronize me when the fact that i can't receive even my log in OTP obviously means that it's dbs' problem and not mine.

jfc.

sidenote: going through the #homelife tag is essentially just a way to get me angry within 60 seconds.

[mourning-songs]

Writers Gone Wild: The Feuds, Frolics, and Follies of Literature's Great Adventurers, Drunkards, Lovers, Iconoclasts, and Misanthropes

Bill Peschel

PART ONE: On the Job -- Dramatic Debuts / Public Embarrassments / Grub Street / Censors and Editors / Frauds and Hoaxes / Money / PART TWO: Off the Job -- Odd Jobs / Crime and Punishment / Unfortunate Encounters / Fight Club / Ultraviolence / Politics and Power / War / PART THREE: Everything Else -- Bad Craziness / The Lovers / The Joy of Sex / The End of the Affair / Alcohol and Drugs / The End