THE SIGNS AS SURREALLY EXTRA MEDIEVAL/EARLY MODERN EVENTS
ARIES: ETIQUETTE AT VERSAILLES, 1682
Louis XVI literally made up like 15 million court rituals to deadass just fuck with the nobles and keep them busy while he blinged the political shit out of France
During the absolute shitshow of the 16th century, this one random asshole decided to be burned alive to prove that God would save him because he alone had the right interpretation of the Bible, and then died because he refused to admit he might be wrong
GEMINI: AVIGNON PAPACY, 1309-1376
The French cardinals got so salty at the Italians they fucking moved the papacy to Avignon and went through 100 years of drama just to prove their point
CANCER: SIEGE OF MUNSTER, 1534
SO these extra ass Anabaptists decided to take over Münster and institute mandatory communism and group sex and then the Catholics and Lutherans were so done with this their shit they sacked the city, put the leaders in cages, hung the cages from the cathedral, and left the skeletons there until like 1850. The cages are STILL THERE. Do you see my point
LEO: POSTING OF THE 95 THESES, 1517
Martin Luther was such a petty👏🏻 hoe👏🏻 he drew up a detailed list of all the reason the Catholic Church was the absolute worst, nailed it to the cathedral door, and then fuckin MAILED IT to every major political figure in Europe just to deadass start a fight
VIRGO: THE FIRST COUNCIL OF NICEA, 325
The Arian Controversy is a whole earth sign clusterfuxk of its own but St. Nick takes it to a whole new level - he got so fed up with Arius’ being a little bitch that he punched him in the FACE during the most important ecumenical council of medieval Christianity
LIBRA: DANIELE DA VOLTERRA, 1565
Because they were all in existential crisis after of the Protestant Revolution, the Italians freaked out about sexy paintings and in a moment of panic put pants on all the paintings of naked people in the Sistine Chapel, but then realized they fucked up and tried to undo it for like 50 years
SCORPIO: THE FOURTH CRUSADE, 1204
The Christians changed their minds halfway through a crusade and casually sacked Constantinople like the PETTY👏🏻BITCHES👏🏻THEY👏🏻WERE👏🏻
SAGITTARIUS: THE CHURCH OF ENGLAND, 1534
Henry VIII declared himself head of the English Church and started a war with Spain AND Rome just so he could get with a hot girl
CAPRICORN: THE GREAT SCHISM, 1410-1417
Because men are all fucking CHILDREN, everyone suddenly decided they were the “correct” pope and no one would admit they were wrong, kicking off a continental existential panic that ruptured the entire fucking political order of Christian Europe
AQUARIUS: CONVERSION OF ROME, 1312
Emperor Constantine made a deal with God and when God won he was just like “mmkay well guess I’ll just convert the entire Roman Empire because go big or go home right do it for the vine”
PISCES: JOHN V. INNOCENT IIII, 1213
Oh my god so THIS👏🏻BITCH👏🏻 Prince John decided to lead a coup against his brother, which irritated the pope, who decided to fuck with John by basically fucking around in England without permission. John got salty bc he was the fucking King so he started a literal flame war via mail w the pope and started arresting all the cardinals’ side hoes. Then the POPE was salty bc John was being a total dick so he excommunicated him, which John gave ZERO FUCKS ABOUT until the pope said he’d team up with France to fuck England up. John was like “shit oh no” so he just fucking gave the pope England as an apology gift and the pope was like “dude yeah we’re chill” but then they both roasted the shit out of each other in all the historiography and the tea is something else
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