ITS THE NATURE OF; OF MY CIRCUITRY @mr-selfd3struct - Tumblr Blog

“The human being, then, in order to protect himself, closes his eyes, compulsively repeats his crimes, and enters a spiritual darkness which no one can describe.”

James Baldwin, 1964

Okay I’m not deactivating this vent blog but I am making a new one just for… PRIVACY PURPOSES. whatever you’re looking for it’s not here!! Nothing on this blog has had anything to do with you since you last checked but you can check anyways since you’re sooo free to be a degenerate now you might as well xx

I might deactivate this blog tbh I feel like I’m being watched whenever I post #suspicious #noticing #Iknowyourewatching #iminyourwalls

Im not a perfect person and I am very flawed which is why I feel inherent guilt for recognizing that I am an abuse victim of several different abusers and different kinds of abuse but in my head I’m always like “you’re just playing the victim!! You did xyz which means you can’t be a victim!!” Which is bad because I’m holding myself to standards that I’d never hold to someone else but I guess it also means that I’m not fully identifying myself as just a victim and nothing more

I just remembered the one time I had a split hit me so hard and so suddenly that i became lightheaded and nauseous and literally collapsed on the floor. I wish so badly that my emotions wouldn’t manifest as physical feelings because usually those feelings are PAINFUL

It’s me and Mary Kline against the world

Backrooms movie second watch I am not okay

I don’t even know what made me such a target like why was he so fucking cruel ALL THE TIME

And why was the joke always sex

What a fucking joke of a “person” bruh I hope he rots in hell

I downplay my own sexual assault to myself a lot and I joke about it sometimes but it’s because I have the inability to take anything he did to me seriously. This is because everything he did to me was a joke to him. Maybe this is why it’s taken me so long to realize what he did

I am remembering what it was like to be touched #notfun

I feel awful

No it’s fine just make plans with me 2 days in a row and cancel them in my face

mr-selfd3struct

It feels like betrayal but it’s probably not personal so I shouldn’t make it personal. I am not human enough for it to be betrayal. I’m kind of just. Idk something you can do whatever you want to it and there’s no consequences because it’s an inanimate object. You can’t betray a thing because it has no trust to break. You cannot betray me because I am not worthy of promises to begin with. Anyone can do whatever they want to me. Use me however, touch me however, hurt me whenever. I’m an accessory. I’ll buy you a joint. I’ll grill you a burger. I’ll draw you a picture. I won’t struggle when you hold me down because I’m too drunk. It doesn’t matter because no one’s getting hurt. It is completely moral and ethical to use me

mr-selfd3struct

This isn’t some cnc rape kink bullshit btw I’m not into that. I just hate myself a lot

I think I am depressed

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ITS THE NATURE OF; OF MY CIRCUITRY