i don't think people without ASPD understand how hard masking is for us.
let me try to explain it.
imagine you are in a sensory deprivation chamber all of the time and you are desperate for a way out. someone opens the door a crack. of course you're going to claw at that crack until you feel a bit of sunlight on your face - it's more than you've had in forever.
now, that, but emotionally. i feel bored or dissatisfied to an excruciating extent and when i find a 'crack' (such as a reason to argue with someone, breaking rules, theft, lying, etc), i will claw at it until i get an adrenaline rush - also known as thrill-seeking.
but imagine you're also NOT allowed to do that and are expected to sit and be pretty for the world because they don't like when you do that. it's hurtful. i understand that, and i don't want to necessarily hurt other people, but if it happens i am not torn up over it because i got that bit of sunlight on my face.
masking is very vigorous and tiring. the 'basic expectation' can wipe me out completely for days. even people who i'm supposed to be able to trust and unmask around, i still have to mask a little bit at least. it makes me seem irrational and completely immature when i explode off of little things like being disagreed with, but what people don't understand is that everything i do is masking and it all adds up to the bomb going off.
everything - smiling, laughing at jokes, small talk, following directions, listening to others, comforting someone, apologizing for mistakes - all of it is masking. that bare minimum that's no effort for other people? that's all draining. and the worst part is that you only ever can be yourself, by yourself. and you know that nobody in your life will ever understand how to be 'normal', you have to try 10x harder than everyone else, and you have to live with knowing that nobody would do that for you. so it is VERY tempting to throw that away sometimes, especially with the impulsivity that comes with it.
