Barely Breathing

Oh! Hello there! Sorry, I must not have seen you. This book was getting rather interesting. Um...my name is Daniel. It's a pleasure to meet you. I should probably mention a little bit about myself right? Well uh....i'm twenty-five years old and hail from San Luis Obispo, CA. Currently i'm working at a publishing company, but one day I hope to be a published author. I know it's a lot to hope for, but I don't think there's that big a problem with dreaming big. Someone has to.

[iglovequotes]

Daily dose of love quotes here

[kingdakota]

[Dakotas whole body suddenly tensed as Daniel moved even closer, his arm reaching out. It wasn’t that he didn’t want to be touched by him it was just a lovely yet terrifying idea- falling back into place with the other boy like all this time hadn’t gone by. But maybe for the first time they were truly on the same page, wanted the same things. He lifted his hand almost involuntarily and placed it on the side of Daniels face, his thumb running along his jawline as his eyes roamed the boys face.] You’re not gonna leave again okay? Because I won’t let you go so easily next time. [He said softly instead of answering the question, his hand trailed along his neck and then down the front of his shirt, fingers loosely fisting the fabric before pulling him in and pressing his lips against Daniels.] 

[mrdanielsterling]

[His emotions were like fireworks, flashing and popping in his head in bright variations of color and variety. There was something so achingly wrong about kissing the man that he had left behind so shortly after having just met up with one another again, and yet he couldn't bring himself to care when engaged in the dance that had long ago become one of his favorites. Just as he began to feel breathless he pulled away, realizing how heated his skin was as soon as he felt the chill air against it. Daniel rested his forehead against Dakota's as he tried to catch breath; a word of apology for his actions framed on his lips. Last minute he captured the words before they could fall, instead latching onto the feeling that everything was absolutely right, precisely how it should be] I love you too [he whispered, wandering with himself why he had finally said it out loud at this moment. Again he nearly apologized, but stopped. Now Dakota could react however he wanted to, even if that meant pushing Daniel away again.]

[kingdakota]

[Dakota watched as Daniel began to pace around the room and if they weren’t in this situation right now he might’ve smiled at the habit but his words brought up old memories, things he was more than grateful were in the past. He didn’t really know how to say what he wanted to but it didn’t matter because as Daniel walked back to him he spoke again leaving Dakota even more speechless. He looked up at Daniel and shook his head silently before speaking up.] No, no I don’t want you to go… I’ve never wanted you to go I just never knew how to tell you. But if theres any confusion, [He stands up in front of him, the front of his boots touching the front of Daniels shoes and this might be the closest they’ve been since before he left or maybe it just feels that way since he’s not holding back any emotion playing across his face as he looks at the other boy.] I want you to stay, because my feelings for you didn’t just go away when you did.

[mrdanielsterling]

[The act was surely instinctive, his hands reaching for Dakota before he could stop them. Stopping before his arm wrapped around the other boy and watching his fingers curl to stop himself from grabbing the other man's face to pull them to one another once again] May I? [he said in a soft whisper, his fingers twitching towards Dakota once again, his body not moving any closer but not trying to get away either]

[myrelationshipsadvice]

[scoobiedum]

[kingdakota]

[Dakota realized that Daniel must have come to terms with himself- accepted himself, he felt a huge relief for him, at the end of the day he just wants the other man to be happy and stop struggling with what he knows is a really shitty experience to go through. Maybe there was good that came out of him leaving and that really helps him try to get over the situation.] Okay, okay, I know that but I can’t.. I can’t be your friend Daniel. I can’t lie to you and say that we can be friends. I’m sorry it’s- it’s just too much you know? [He doesn’t know how to express what he’s feeling but it’s like the boy never left, not really, because he looks at him and he remembers how he made him feel and it’s like they’re back to when they were good again, really good and he was in love with him. Dakota was in love with him that whole time. Is in love with him, it’s hard to sit next to him and know that.]

[mrdanielsterling]

[Daniel rose from where he was sitting, but not to leave. He strode across the room, his mind buried in his own thoughts. When he spun around to face Dakota again random words sprang from his mouth] Have you ever just laid in bed and prayed for that call, text, message to prove you're not alone? For that one person to say you're enough? [he bit his lip and crossed the floor once again towards him] I have. [came the whispered words] You make me feel like i'm enough. Maybe even better. If you really, really want me to just go away then i'll just leave, but I want you to know that you never have reason to wait by that phone for me and it can stay that way too if you just tell me. 

[kingdakota]

[Dakota looked over at Daniel after his confession, he wanted so badly to pull him closer and wrap his arms around him but that wasn’t his place anymore. Instead he clasped his hands together.] I get it, trust me I do.. but you.. just really threw me off that day and I think that we were- are in two different places. God I- I was so gone for you. [He lets out a soft chuckle after his own confession but doesn’t look away, it feels good to tell some of the truth after all the shit that happened between them.] I didn’t really know it until you were leaving because it scared me into realizing. But you have your issues and I have mine and I get that we deal with them differently. Daniel.. I don’t want to make you be someone you don’t want to be. [Or with someone you don’t want to be with, not in the way I want to be with you anyway, he adds mentally. It’s weird to sit here and talk calmly about this all to the person who broke him but it felt worse to act like it never happened moments before.]

[mrdanielsterling]

[Daniel sucked his lip in between his teeth and just listened as the other man talked. His head sunk into his hands at the end of Dakota's brief monologue. He'd changed. While he had been away he had become that man that wasn't afraid anymore. Even after the blanket party he had received when the others had found out that he had been writing a man. It had taken that to realize that the opinion of his father didn't matter, and that for once he needed to just be selfish and think for himself. If he didn't it would be completely his fault that one of the best possible things to have happened to him could just disappear] Dakota, I told you where all of New York City could have seen or heard that I didn't - couldn't - leave you, and you know awful a liar I am. You're not making me do anything. I wouldn't be here if I didn't want to be. Really, really want to be. 

[kingdakota]

[Any doubts that his feelings for Daniel were still present were squashed as soon as their eyes met. In that moment he was just able to look and he didn’t want to turn away, desperately did not want to have this conversation because it could end up being the end of whatever this is, permanently this time. Not that they ended on a good note the last time they had seen each other but he’d rather not relive anything close to that conversation. Dakota stiffened under Daniels touch but didn’t pull away, he led them into his building and opened his door waiting for Daniel to walk in before he shut it. His place wasn’t a mess but it also wasn’t cozy any longer, almost everything was in boxes. He moved one off the couch so Daniel could sit beside him even though he knew he usually paced anyway.] So you… [He took a deep breath, running his hand through his hair and started again.] I don’t understand you Daniel, I- last I understood you were leaving to go be someone else. I just, I don’t think I want to know whoever that guy was.. or is. [He said softly looking at his hands.]

[mrdanielsterling]

[Step for step Daniel matched Dakota's steps, fighting to not pull away his hand when Dakota stiffened beneath him because he knew that would just make things worse. The only moment in which he moved from the man's side was when he walked through his doorway, taking in the familiar room that had also changed after something that he had done. This room held so many memories for them. A small smile crossed his face as Dakota moved the box. Both knew that even though he took the spot offered to him that he wasn't going to be able to keep it for very long. He'd always been able to think better when he was moving. Then Dakota spoke and his heart plummeted. Going away had been right, he knew it had been, but he didn't know how to make Dakota understand without telling him everything and he didn't know if they were in that place yet - but he thought that they might have to be to get past everything] I was scared. I am scared. 

[kingdakota]

[Dakota cast his gaze to the floor knowing he probably wouldn’t be able to look at Daniel without everything he was thinking showing up on his face, not when the other boy seemed to be able to look him in his eyes and read him like an open book. He was so confused and conflicted, being honest with himself was something he was trying to do more often and if he were being honest right now then this was what he had wanted to hear but it also proved to fix nothing, not yet at least. There was so much the two men had done for each other, been to each other, but when it really came down to it the most important thing you should have is trust, trust that you’ll wake up in the morning and they’ll still be there. And Dakota knows now that Daniel probably worried about that a lot, knows he’s always been flighty out of self preservation. But Daniel also dropped the ball on that one big time when he decided to up and leave everything. His eyebrows pull together as he bites his bottom lip thinking about what to say before he blurts anything out, he suddenly realizes they’re outside and it feels weird to be so exposed.] I.. do you wanna come upstairs? I just can’t.. I can’t do this here. [He says, finally looking up at him.] 

[mrdanielsterling]

[Apple green eyes drifted to the people around them for a moment. No one was staring, but they all had ears and he knew that at least one person walking along this sidewalk had heard them. He understood Dakota's discomfort with being her, and latently realized precisely how big a step that this had been for him to be so forthright with another man while it seemed the entire world was watching them.] I - Yeah [He said with a simple nod of the head. Nervously he sucked his bottom lip in between his teeth. Perhaps it was the fact that Dakota had finally looked up at him, but his memory had managed to dull the beauty of the crystalline color of his blue eyes. For a moment he just remained in their little bubble. Part of him didn't want to be the first to move. He'd made a mess by moving. Instinctively he placed one strong hand on the other man's shoulder as the turned towards Dakota's apartment. They could take that first step together.Literally and figuratively.]

[kingdakota]

[Dakota had forced himself to walk away with a smile plastered on his face. Once he had turned around the mask had crumbled and he was left with his own thoughts. He had tried to avoid this situation for the longest time, work had proven to be a great distraction. Only when he had actually started to compose his music he realized how much of it was about Daniel himself. It was both hard and helpful at the same time to have his job focus on so much of his personal life and feelings. In the end he had thought he was getting over it but seeing the man in front of him today only stirred up old memories and who was he kidding? Those feelings hadn’t gone away. He was careful not to stare too long, to take him in like he really wanted to, his hands were itching to touch him and there were still so many things he wanted to say. But that chapter in his life was over now. It felt like the further he walked away the harder it became, as if the need to turn around and look over his shoulder intensified with every step. Then he heard Daniels voice - at first he thought he had imagined it and maybe he was really going crazy but then it was there again making him freeze in place and turn around coming face to face with him.] What? [Was the only thing that came out, genuinely confused. He wished he could say something more than that but he really had no idea where this conversation was going, only that he didn’t want to argue anymore, didn’t really have anymore fight left in him.]

[mrdanielsterling]

I can't just let you go [Daniel said softly. He felt almost selfish for saying it now that he had come face to face with Dakota after allowing himself to just walk away, but he couldn't bring himself to just leave things the way that they were] I'm sorry I stopped writing. It got complicated on base and - and i'm really happy that you've hit it big but I just....I missed you, and this isn't how I want things to be. I... [Daniel stopped himself short. This wasn't how he was going to tell him. Out here in this crowd of people. He didn't care anymore about the world knowing that he was gay, and he knew that Dakota deserved to know how he felt - especially since he should have told him months ago - but this wasn't the time or the place to do that] Do I even have a small chance of fixing this? We don't have to be what we were before if that's not what you want. I'm fine with just being friends, but I can't just walk out of your life if you're still willing to be a part of mine. 

[kingdakota]

-Dakota nodded, hating himself for feeling disappointed in the other boys reaction. After all this time he shouldn’t want anything from him, and he doesn’t or at least if he repeats it enough times it’ll become the truth. He’s been through this enough times to know how it works.- Yeah it was great, had an amazing time. -He looks down at his phone and then back up at Daniel- Well uh, I should probably get to unpacking my stuff. It was nice seeing you.

[mrdanielsterling]

Yeah [Daniel muttered, his head dipping towards his feet. So much time had been spent away, and a lot of that time had been spent in thought. Every night before he went to sleep life's big questions would come to mind. Where did he see himself five years down the road? Did he want a family? What was love about anyway? Months ago if he had been asked the answer might have been entirely different. Family wasn't for him because he would never truly be grounded. Love was the stuff of fairytales, and his five year plan was perfectly planned out. He had the apartment, the fantastic life and the perfect job. Now it had all changed. His answers were completely different, and it was because the thing he had thought about each night before he had gone to sleep changed with it. It wasn't a romance like he had seen out of the books and movies. They had their differences, really they fought all the time, but the fact remained that even through all his dreams and aspirations that he knew he was going to achieve he wanted Dakota to be there. Even if he had to give up loving him, which he knew now that he did, he wanted the other man to be a part of his life. He'd do anything if it meant the other mans happiness. At least that was what his heart had told him. His feet had began their own journey. After giving his ex-lover a small clap on the shoulder he had turned away. Then they just stopped. His head had finally caught up to his heart, and his feet began running before he even knew what he was going to say] Wait! [he called through the crowds of people] I - I can't just let you go. 

[kingdakota]

-Dakota bit his lip and nodded, letting another smile spread across his face- Yeah, you know me don’t really want to stay in one place for too long. Besides my agent told me if I want to continue all this success I should head to California, apparently that’s what everyone does. Wow, that sounds.. sounds awesome. Why’s that? 

[mrdanielsterling]

California really is beautiful too. I lived there during Uni... -Daniel replied, not at all certain why he was being so supportive of something he himself wasn't too happy about. There were still so many things he needed to say to the man in front of him that he hadn't had the chance to when they had been writing. After awhile the other men had found out that Daniel was homosexual and after one of the more brutal beatings of his life they agreed to keep it secret if he just stopped doing it all together. Now Dakota must feel truly abandoned.- Why did I turn it down? Well, I guess it's because i've spent my entire life traveling. For once it might be nice to be grounded. 

[kingdakota]

-smiles- Yep, recording in the studio here so far but I’ll probably move out there by next year. What about you, I mean how have you been?

[mrdanielsterling]

You'll be moving? -Came the gentle question. It took every ounce of the training he had to keep a straight face despite wanting to furrow his brow at the idea of the man before him possibly leaving him. Then came the guilt. Hadn't he just left him? Besides, it wasn't fair of him to want to hold him back from something that he wanted and which he was good at- Me? I just came off of active duty. I'm in the reserves and i'll be doing some work as a recruiter for the next couple of years. I've also been offered a teaching position abroad, but I declined it. 

[kingdakota]

Well you’re missing out mate. I went to California for a bit, got signed.

[mrdanielsterling]

You got signed?! Congratulations. 

[kingdakota]

Missed those ‘Nuts 4 Nuts’ carts? Me too.

[mrdanielsterling]

I don't even know where those are, but yes. Uh....where have you been?

[mrdanielsterling]

Never thought i'd be so happy to be back in this city again....

[kingdakota]

[Dakota was about to go into defense mode because really who says ‘let me look at you’ and then barges into your apartment? Probably serial killers thats who. Even though this girl didn’t look like one it’s New York City you really never know. However the confusion was all put to an end once she mentioned a brother, he froze putting the pieces together.] You’re Daniels sister? [He smiled, rolling his eyes as he shut his door. He never really expected to meet any members of Daniels family, like ever, but he was glad that he hadn’t known previously because he probably would have died from nerves.] You’re not? Good because I was terrified. It’s not everyday girls come to my apartment asking to get a good look at me you know? Well, not recently anyway. [He smirks plucking the letter from her hands.] So you’re playing Hedwig then. Did you really come all the way from Australia to give me this? Or am I about to be interrogated? I’d like to make a disclaimer before that and let you know I did not mess with your brothers head.

[mrdanielsterling]

Yeah, yeah Bethany Henry, or Bethany Sterling until about two weeks ago. [She said, waving her hand dismissively as if it should have been the most painfully obvious thing on the planet] Was that a Harry Potter reference mister? I don't understand 'em for the life of me but if you're half the nerd that he is that explains a ton. Brains and booty. Maybe just maybe I'll tell Danny that he did good. Maybe. [She scoffed and rolled her eyes at his next statement, again as if the answer should have been something painfully obvious] Hell no. I got married in the ballroom of the building Big Brother owns and he asked me to stick around for awhile. Is even full on funding my extended honeymoon. He's such a sweetie pie, isn't he? Nevermind, don't tell me that because i'll think of purely sexual things and I have no desire to know what you and Dan the man do between the sheets. Thus the reason i'm avoiding your couch....and kitchen....and floor.